Hear him out? Or keep moving

[daphne]

My errant emotionally unavailable guy that I met online last year has reached out to me. Less than 48 hours after I put my profile back up for the first time in months. He admits that he made a huge mistake and would like to see me and possibly reconnect.

 

My curiosity may get the better of me. I'd really like to know what he has to say for how he handled things. Why he felt the need to stick it to me. Why is he back? Cos he's worried that I'll move on and find someone else? I can move on without finding someone else. I already have.

 

It's been so long, I'm ill prepared on how to handle it. I do know, however, that I paid good money for that subscription and I plan on using it.

[snug.bunny]

What he do?

[dasein]

Of course hear him out... then post about it here for us to dissect

 

There was a woman I met and dated several times on OLD, smart, cool, educated, accomplished, perfect candidate for a LTR. At the same time, a very "shiny" sexy "movie star hot" other woman from the site was blowing up my phone. Besides looks, she was a mess, materialistic, drama laden, baggagey. Not being used to movie star looking women showering me with attention daily, though, I gave into sheer stupid vanity and began dating shiny woman to the exclusion of cool woman. Despite that cool woman and I weren't exclusive and had no commitments to each other at all, my choice put her off me, and likely hurt her feelings. Way down the road, when I had realized what a total moron I had been, I tried to circle back to cool woman and at least get the opportunity to explain what a horrible mistake I had made, what a fool I had been, and wanted to do this whether she was married or involved, just to let her know I realized I made a mistake with her. She wouldn't reply to me, and I gave up after a few tries. I don't blame her, but feel like she would have liked my apology at least and what I had to say.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck with OLD this goround.

[daphne]

He lied about being divorced when he was seperated.

 

He pulled a disappearing act after sending a vague text about needing space, at a time where he knew it would hurt the most and then went back online to let me know that he really meant he wanted to see others. He didn't even have the decency to have a conversation about it.

[truth_seeker]

My errant emotionally unavailable guy that I met online last year has reached out to me. Less than 48 hours after I put my profile back up for the first time in months. He admits that he made a huge mistake and would like to see me and possibly reconnect.

 

My curiosity may get the better of me. I'd really like to know what he has to say for how he handled things. Why he felt the need to stick it to me. Why is he back? Cos he's worried that I'll move on and find someone else? I can move on without finding someone else. I already have.

 

It's been so long, I'm ill prepared on how to handle it. I do know, however, that I paid good money for that subscription and I plan on using it.

 

How long did you two date for?

 

If you're curious, talk on the phone. If you want to see him in person, have him meet you and a couple of your girlfriends. Just pick a spot and a time. He'll think it will be a one-on-one, but make sure to be there early with your friends before he shows up.

 

He sounds like he was weighing other options he had, they fizzled out, so now he's hoping he can get back with you.

[dasein]

He lied about being divorced when he was seperated.

 

He pulled a disappearing act after sending a vague text about needing space, at a time where he knew it would hurt the most and then went back online to let me know that he really meant he wanted to see others. He didn't even have the decency to have a conversation about it.

 

Blehhh that's different, F him.

[daphne]

Of course hear him out... then post about it here for us to dissect

 

There was a woman I met and dated several times on OLD, smart, cool, educated, accomplished, perfect candidate for a LTR. At the same time, a very "shiny" sexy "movie star hot" other woman from the site was blowing up my phone. Besides looks, she was a mess, materialistic, drama laden, baggagey. Not being used to movie star looking women showering me with attention daily, though, I gave into sheer stupid vanity and began dating shiny woman to the exclusion of cool woman. Despite that cool woman and I weren't exclusive and had no commitments to each other at all, my choice put her off me, and likely hurt her feelings. Way down the road, when I had realized what a total moron I had been, I tried to circle back to cool woman and at least get the opportunity to explain what a horrible mistake I had made, what a fool I had been, and wanted to do this whether she was married or involved, just to let her know I realized I made a mistake with her. She wouldn't reply to me, and I gave up after a few tries. I don't blame her, but feel like she would have liked my apology at least and what I had to say.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck with OLD this goround.

 

I guess people do make mistakes. The problem is, I am that shiny girl (minus drama and baggage.) I do not know what he was thinking. And we were supposedly in an exclusive relationship at the time.

 

I have to give you credit for manning up and trying. Perhaps she wanted you to try harder. Perhaps her pride knew that she could do better than play second fiddle to "potential shiny girl." There's no colder place than a woman's heart after you've hurt her pride.

 

Btw, how long did it take you to realize that shiny girl wasn't all she was cracked up to be.

 

And I'll try to entertain you guys, without too much drama. It could be a dating learning experience for all of us.

[daphne]

How long did you two date for?

 

If you're curious, talk on the phone. If you want to see him in person, have him meet you and a couple of your girlfriends. Just pick a spot and a time. He'll think it will be a one-on-one, but make sure to be there early with your friends before he shows up.

 

He sounds like he was weighing other options he had, they fizzled out, so now he's hoping he can get back with you.

 

2 months.

 

I think he got cocky and figured if I would date him, he'd have the pick of online. At least that's what several of my male friends have told me.

[dasein]

Was a bit over a year after we dated that I tried to recontact. During that, had dated shiny woman for ten months (she cheated on me bwackbwaaaaa ). I felt like the time distance meant cool girl surely found someone else, and might have felt it inappropriate to even talk to me, she was a good person that way. Else I might have just sent an apologetic email. In that situation though, wanted to know she was even open to hearing from me, which she obviously wasn't.

 

My mistake was in the stupid choice alone though, I really didn't do her wrong in any way other than possibly hurt her pride as you say. Your guy sounds like a turd though, and the apology would need to be reeeeeeeal good.

Edited April 20, 2012 by dasein

[daphne]

Was a bit over a year after we dated. During that, had dated shiny woman for ten months (she cheated on me bwackbwaaaaa ). I felt like the time distance meant cool girl surely found someone else, and might have felt it inappropriate to even talk to me, she was a good person that way. Else I might have just sent an apologetic email. In that situation though, wanted to know she was even open to hearing from me, which she obviously wasn't.

 

My mistake was in the stupid choice alone though, I really didn't do her wrong in any way other than possibly hurt her pride as you say. Your guy sounds like a turd though, and the apology would need to be reeeeeeeal good.

 

People can change their minds at any time. It hurts your pride, but as long as you didn't stick it to her and hurt her on the way out it's just a learning mistake. We don't always know who's right for us until we've had more time in a relationship.

 

That being said, I'm still nobody's f***ing second fiddle.

[tigressA]

Keep moving. Don't give him any more of your time. You'll feel so much better for it in the end. Onward and upward!

[daphne]

Keep moving. Don't give him any more of your time. You'll feel so much better for it in the end. Onward and upward!

 

I'm 50/50% on it. I guess I don't have to decide right now. I can let it marinate.

[dasein]

That being said, I'm still nobody's f***ing second fiddle.

 

That's what I wanted to tell her though, that she wasn't second fiddle, and I just got blinded by the bombshell's relentless assault, knew better inside all along, that I was an idiot and weak, learned from the mistake. (Would have phrased it much better trust me).

 

Eh, we only dated 5-6 times though over a month, hadn't even slept together. But she definitely wanted more, and I would have had I not been so completely distracted. Two of my three biggest life dating mistakes right there.

 

Can't wait to hear this guy's excuse for what he did.

[daphne]

That's what I wanted to tell her though, that she wasn't second fiddle, and I just got blinded by the bombshell's relentless assault, knew better inside all along, that I was an idiot and weak, learned from the mistake. (Would have phrased it much better trust me).

 

Eh, we only dated 5-6 times though over a month, hadn't even slept together. But she definitely wanted more, and I would have had I not been so completely distracted. Two of my three biggest life dating mistakes right there.

 

Can't wait to hear this guy's excuse for what he did.

 

That's totally different. Honestly, had that happened I would have cut him some slack given the short time frame and not having slept together. But he was underhanded, selfish and deliberately hurtful in how he did it. Not quite the same situation as yours.

 

I would also love to hear the excuse. Just to be able to come back on and roll my eyes. I'm just worried that he'll sincerely regret and realize he handled things poorly.

[veggirl]

He lied about being divorced when he was seperated.

 

FK NO. Automatic dealbreaker, what a loser.

 

 

He pulled a disappearing act after sending a vague text about needing space, at a time where he knew it would hurt the most and then went back online to let me know that he really meant he wanted to see others. He didn't even have the decency to have a conversation about it.

 

Gee he gets better and better, hey?

 

What's there to hear out? "I lied about my divorce because I'm a selfish prick" and "I faded on you because I'm a giant wuss who can't be straight forward"

 

I mean really, what's there to say that would excuse his douchey behavior? Eww the divorce thing....never talk to him again.

 

I'm just worried that he'll sincerely regret and realize he handled things poorly.

 

Oh please, he won't! But I bet he'll make you think he does, if you listen to his BS.

[snug.bunny]

He lied about being divorced when he was seperated.

 

He pulled a disappearing act after sending a vague text about needing space, at a time where he knew it would hurt the most and then went back online to let me know that he really meant he wanted to see others. He didn't even have the decency to have a conversation about it.

 

That sounds like quite a messy situation. But, I'd consider it a blessing in disguise that he wasn't "available" because had you continued with it/him, he would have dragged you through the mud. Granted, he kinda did by lying and then seeking you out to tell you he wanted to date other people.

 

You should have said "thanks for the kick in the face".

 

In any event, it would be nice if he had genuine remorse over it, though I would try to avoid letting it "matter" one way or another at this point.

[daphne]

FK NO. Automatic dealbreaker, what a loser.

 

 

 

Gee he gets better and better, hey?

 

What's there to hear out? "I lied about my divorce because I'm a selfish prick" and "I faded on you because I'm a giant wuss who can't be straight forward"

 

I mean really, what's there to say that would excuse his douchey behavior? Eww the divorce thing....never talk to him again.

 

 

 

Oh please, he won't! But I bet he'll make you think he does, if you listen to his BS.

 

Tell me how you really feel. As for dealbreaker, yes it is. I didn't say I'd take him back. I said I was considering hearing him out.

 

Glad you responded though, because it's a reality check. His behavior was douchey. From a-z. Not sure what he could say to gloss over it. I think I wanted to see if he would even admit that he lied. He doesn't know I know.

[daphne]

That sounds like quite a messy situation. But, I'd consider it a blessing in disguise that he wasn't "available" because had you continued with it/him, he would have dragged you through the mud. Granted, he kinda did by lying and then seeking you out to tell you he wanted to date other people.

 

You should have said "thanks for the kick in the face".

 

In any event, it would be nice if he had genuine remorse over it, though I would try to avoid letting it "matter" one way or another at this point.

 

I did have an epiphany that I had dodged a bullet. I also learned what emotional unavailability looks like. I especially learned that people who seem amazing and stable and are consistent early on and change on a dime to show you their true colors, so you have to wait it out and not get carried away.

 

Glad to be reminded of the things I forgot when I realized that he wasn't who he claimed to be.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm waiting for the next episode of this story. Wheres the popcorn smiley?

[daphne]

I'm waiting for the next episode of this story. Wheres the popcorn smiley?

 

He he. You're a bad man.

[daphne]

So... I have turned him down twice now. I told him the first time that he was dishonest and unstable. His response was to write me an open letter telling me how he feels about his emotional unavailability. He really put himself out there, and I didn't think he was capable. It did not feel manipulative. However, at the end of the day, that's still where he's at.

 

I said no again. I have compassion for him, but he is carelessly hurting others by dating again while he goes through his struggles. Much like another guy that posts on here. I care about him, but I care about me more.

 

He tells me he is divorced, gave me the date. I can always tell him to show me a divorce decree. He really wants to see me. He'll even take friendzone. The 7th circle of hell for all males, especially those that you once dated.

 

I don't know if he's desperate to have what he can't have, or if he really got how much alike we were and liked that.

 

Fortunately, I'm dating others. His persistence and all of a sudden emotional availability (probably temporary) are really overwhelming.

[dasein]

Yeah, but has he specifically owned and sincerely apologized for the -behavior-? (not just acknowledged and talked about some broad assessment such as "emotionally unavailable"). Then, has he indicated a sea change in navigation going forward that leads away from repeating the bad behavior?

 

It seems easier for people to acknowledge and discuss faults in general ways, harder for them to demonstrate acknowledgement and learning change from specific behaviors.

[daphne]

He has apologized for putting me on an emotional roller coaster. He has created all of the drama. He has not specifically owned anything. However, the emails have been intense and I think probably too much so given teh current situation. I'm at the point where I don't really want to talk to him about it anymore right now. Too. Much. Emotional. Stuff.

 

He fully recognizes that he's emotionally unavailable. He has mentioned that he's been praying a lot since we broke up that he'll heal and be ready to move forward. I just don't think he's taken responsibility for his actions. Who knows. Maybe I'll hear about it later. It seems the more I back away, the more he comes forward. It is so weird.

 

I agree with you on your last sentence. People will pay lip service and talk about "wanting" to change and be a better person, while fully lacking the discipline it requires to make the changes.

[dasein]

Sounds like you have the situation under control, grats on having lots of options, hope you find a good one.

[Emilia]

I think you are seeing very clearly that his emotional availability is temporary, that he overall doesn't take responsibility (maybe doesn't know how to) for his mental well being and that he is unlikely to change.

 

The up-and-down drama/emotional rollercoaster is designed to suck you in. I'm not saying he does this on purpose but he clearly doesn't know any other way. Hence the emotion overload. He probably would like intimacy and being available fully but he is also frightened by it. Maybe his mummy didn't treat him right when he was little, who knows?

 

I dated a junior version of this guy recently, believe me there is no solution for anyone. He is unstable and there is nothing you can do. The reasons behind his instability are irrelevant.