Username37 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Hey, I was an active member here around 2010 during my first break up. Anyways, enough about the past. So I'm with this girl currently and we've been together for a year and a month now and we've hit a really big problem. We're in a LDR for one and she's been getting angry at me because I've been busy with my school work and stuff. It seems like every time I say I'm busy (when I really am) she would make me feel bad and guilt me to the point where I feel like I'm talking to her because I don't want to piss her off instead of talking to her because I really want to. I'll admit, I'm not the best at talking, but she believes I don't care about her and that she puts more effort into making it work. I love her and everything, but I feel suffocated. If I don't text back right away she would be really pissed. We're in a fight right now and she says she wants a break (and I know how bad they are) and now, she wants me to call her. So I don't know. I don't know if I should make this work or not. I'm nervous on calling her also...
Ajax Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Oh no, Username37! I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I can sympathize because I'm in a similar one. My current girlfriend also wants me tied to her at all times through texting, calling, or Skyping for hours every night. She resents my friends and family, and has gotten to the point where I don't do the things I enjoy doing just to save myself the drama. And her explanation when I try to talk to her about it is that she just loves me so darn much. It can be quite smothering. I'll give you the same advice I'm trying to follow myself. You have find a balance between giving her what she needs, and yourself what you need. If you can;t reach that balance then you may have to consider the possibility that neither of you are capable of providing what the other needs to be happy in a relationship, and go your separate ways. Good luck to you my friend, and keep us posted.
Author Username37 Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Oh no, Username37! I'm sorry to hear about your situation, and I can sympathize because I'm in a similar one. My current girlfriend also wants me tied to her at all times through texting, calling, or Skyping for hours every night. She resents my friends and family, and has gotten to the point where I don't do the things I enjoy doing just to save myself the drama. And her explanation when I try to talk to her about it is that she just loves me so darn much. It can be quite smothering. I'll give you the same advice I'm trying to follow myself. You have find a balance between giving her what she needs, and yourself what you need. If you can;t reach that balance then you may have to consider the possibility that neither of you are capable of providing what the other needs to be happy in a relationship, and go your separate ways. Good luck to you my friend, and keep us posted. She's expecting me to call soon. I'll post about what happens.
Author Username37 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 So we ended it. She basically said I didn't give enough and that she gave me many tries and I didn't prove myself. I love her, but she didn't feel it from everything that I did. I expected the break up since saturday but it stings like a mother****er now that it happened.
Ajax Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I'm sorry again, man. I know it hurts and I know you did care, but do you think you were really as happy in this relationship as you should have been? I know you don;t want to hear it right now, but it might be for the best. It doesn't sound like she had healthy boundaries, and that you had different needs that you couldn't meet for each other.
Author Username37 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I'm sorry again, man. I know it hurts and I know you did care, but do you think you were really as happy in this relationship as you should have been? I know you don;t want to hear it right now, but it might be for the best. It doesn't sound like she had healthy boundaries, and that you had different needs that you couldn't meet for each other. Well to be fair, she did give me times to make it better, but it wasn't enough in her eyes. I didn't know I should be proving myself to her still. I was busy, I though she understood. Anyways I'm not completely torn up, but i'm hurt.
immitable Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 There is/was something about you that made her feel insecure. Women don't see it logically, they feel. Whether it was your friends you hang out with, women you talk to, you not showing her affection and million other reasons,, I am sure she didn't try to tie you down and smother you (hope she is not the type).
john 07 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I don't think you were as happy as you couldhave been with this relationship. It seems like she did not have a right path of thought.
Jadempk Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Just from the other perspective....my ex had to work away 2 weeks at a time and it was very trying. It was hard 12hr a day shift work, we would txt 3 times a day and perhaps call once during the two weeks - we didn't have alot to talk about as he didn't do anything but work,sleep,work out and eat and was exhausted by 7pm. I felt like I talked his ear off but he said it was ok he liked hearing my voice. Then for the week he was home there was 2 days pre and post recovery "rest" time for him to back to his normal, happy, fun self and then the remaining days were filled with family/working with his dad/seeing friends/ chilling with me/chilling at home and improving the house. In the end distance made it so hard for us, but I guess he chose it over me. He left me, he didn't leave his job/friends/family or anything else for that matter. My advice: screw LDR
Author Username37 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 There is/was something about you that made her feel insecure. Women don't see it logically, they feel. Whether it was your friends you hang out with, women you talk to, you not showing her affection and million other reasons,, I am sure she didn't try to tie you down and smother you (hope she is not the type). She told me she wasn't trying to smother me, but at times it felt like she did. I would work or be productive with other things and she would either guilt trip me to text her or give me some sort of attitude. I don't know. I don't feel at fault, but I don't blame her either. It's weird.
Ajax Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 She told me she wasn't trying to smother me, but at times it felt like she did. I would work or be productive with other things and she would either guilt trip me to text her or give me some sort of attitude. I don't know. I don't feel at fault, but I don't blame her either. It's weird. Frankly, based on what you've said, she sounds possessive. It's often hard to put your finger on possessiveness because when you try to stand up for yourself, even respectfully, they can make you feel so unreasonable. It's a mind game. Like I said, I'm struggling with something similar in my relationship. I spend more time on my girlfriend than everyone else in my life combined, and still when I try to take a night to myself or spend time with friends she lays a guilt trip on me. And then when I try to discuss it I come out feeling like an insensitive jerk. Insensitive jerk has never been a way people have described me. I hope that now you'll be able to focus on your work and relationships in a healthy and productive way. Of course it doesn't feel good right now, breakups never do. Good luck!
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 She sent me a text. "Damnit. I can't do this." I don't know whether to reply or not....
Ajax Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Tough call. What do you want to do? If you do respond what would you like to say? I guess my fear would be you two getting back together, only to resume the same relationship patterns.
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Tough call. What do you want to do? If you do respond what would you like to say? I guess my fear would be you two getting back together, only to resume the same relationship patterns. I don't know what to say. Should I tell her that it was her choice to do this? And I fear that also.
HollyBolly Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I don't know what to say. Should I tell her that it was her choice to do this? And I fear that also. Ask her what she meant. What is it that she can't do? Wtf?
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Ask her what she meant. What is it that she can't do? Wtf? Whole convo so far. "I don't know what to do I can't stand not talking to you. I guess I'm a fool to bother to text you I guess. But I guess you don't want to talk to me huh?" No replies. Get these a few minutes later. "It's okay. I understand. You don't have to say anything. I'll stop. Goodbye. No reply. Get this a few seconds later. "I'm sorry."
HollyBolly Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Whole convo so far. "I don't know what to do I can't stand not talking to you. I guess I'm a fool to bother to text you I guess. But I guess you don't want to talk to me huh?" No replies. Get these a few minutes later. "It's okay. I understand. You don't have to say anything. I'll stop. Goodbye. No reply. Get this a few seconds later. "I'm sorry." I like the 'no reply'. She's sounding desperate. What do you want to do? What do you want out of this, if anything?
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 I like the 'no reply'. She's sounding desperate. What do you want to do? What do you want out of this, if anything? I don't know what I want honestly. She dumped me but it seems like she's more broken than I. Don't get me wrong, it stings, but I can live my routine life. It's just weird not talking to her.
HollyBolly Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I don't know what I want honestly. She dumped me but it seems like she's more broken than I. Don't get me wrong, it stings, but I can live my routine life. It's just weird not talking to her. Oh, honey! I know how you feel. We all, on here, do. It is weird. I suppose it's like losing a limb. One second you can count on it, the next it's gone and you have to learn to walk or write without it. It's definitely 'weird'. But just like amputees, we learn how to live without. Be thankful that, unlike an amputee, your 'limb' does grow back. You will feel better.
Ajax Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Clearly she's hurting and having second thoughts about he breakup. But it also sounds to me as if she's once again trying to manipulate your behavior by guilting you again. She broke up with you. She made her choice, and it was probably the right one for both of you. You don't owe her anything. On the other hand it might be helpful to have one more conversation. It's a choice you'll have to make. Just make sure you stay true to yourself and don't feel guilty about doing what's best for you.
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 Clearly she's hurting and having second thoughts about he breakup. But it also sounds to me as if she's once again trying to manipulate your behavior by guilting you again. She broke up with you. She made her choice, and it was probably the right one for both of you. You don't owe her anything. On the other hand it might be helpful to have one more conversation. It's a choice you'll have to make. Just make sure you stay true to yourself and don't feel guilty about doing what's best for you. It seems like one big guilt trip. Here's more of the convo. After a while, I replied back: "I don't know what to say or how I feel right now." She's not respecting that I don't know how I feel. She wants answers now. Selfish. She replied: "I guess that says it all if you don't know what to say back. If you want me to leave for good, I'll respect it even if it will tear me to pieces. If you want me to stay. I'll stay. I know we still care about each other. I just don't want to lose my best friend too." I felt like I should've ignored this. But a friend convinced me not to make any bad blood or lose her completely. I said: "I don't want to lose you, but I need time for myself. I don't know how I feel. Can you give me that?" 20 mins later: "Okay. The both of us need time to think things over and time for ourselves. Please take care. I'll be here if you wanna talk. I hope that the both of us feel better soon. Goodnight." -------- You think I said the right things? Obviously she's WAY more broken than I even though she dumped me.
Patrice Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 From a female perspective .. something you were doing was making her feel insecure. Females who are in a committed relationship need tending to, and cared about. If you weren't providing what she needed, and weren't willing to bend to ease her insecurities .. that says volumes about your level of committment to her. Also consider, as a caring person, I would be concerned about your emotions and that might be why she is texting you. She will heal and move on.
Author Username37 Posted April 21, 2012 Author Posted April 21, 2012 [quote name='Patrice' post='3859444']From a female perspective .. something you were doing was making her feel insecure. Females who are in a committed relationship need tending to, and cared about. If you weren't providing what she needed, and weren't willing to bend to ease her insecurities .. that says volumes about your level of committment to her. Also consider, as a caring person, I would be concerned about your emotions and that might be why she is texting you. She will heal and move on.[/QUOTE] We were fine, but during the LDR we had, we got busy with school. I go to college out of state and she's staying in-state and she's been having troubles at home while I've been trying to catch up on my studies. I'll admit, I wasn't the best at texting her back. But I wasn't ignoring her. I wanted to talk to her because I had the time and I wanted to, not because she forced me or guilted me into.
Phanpooh Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Ldr? It's suck. My ex went to other country and enjoyed her college life there. Im here work and fight with my drama. At the end, she said she cant stand, she want to be fun, i didnt share my life with her and bla bla bla. You know what, i found out that, problem isnt mine. She cant fix herself with me and i had to deal with my drama too. I watched a movie " friend with benefit" and i saw exactly my problem at there, in first 5 minute, it changed my whole life, and now im a happy single, yeah, i miss her to death but i deal with it. If there is sth wrong in rela, u only could fix it with each others. Rela just like a fart, if you hav to force it work, it probably sh it
Author Username37 Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Ldr? It's suck. My ex went to other country and enjoyed her college life there. Im here work and fight with my drama. At the end, she said she cant stand, she want to be fun, i didnt share my life with her and bla bla bla. You know what, i found out that, problem isnt mine. She cant fix herself with me and i had to deal with my drama too. I watched a movie " friend with benefit" and i saw exactly my problem at there, in first 5 minute, it changed my whole life, and now im a happy single, yeah, i miss her to death but i deal with it. If there is sth wrong in rela, u only could fix it with each others. Rela just like a fart, if you hav to force it work, it probably sh it I gotcha haha
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