jooknow Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I've been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. We have been talking a lot about marriage seriously, in fact, she even told me the night before this happened that I she wanted me to marry her (although it didn't have to be NOW, she just wanted to be married to me), and I expressed that I felt the same and was just saving for a ring. So, I just got back in town on Sunday and my girlfriend and I had a great day/night together. The next day we had been playing some facebook games together while I was at work, and lightly chatted via text. I show up at home from work and she looks upset. She said my drinking (I have a problem with abuse, though I'm not an alcoholic, and I'm now abstaining) was just causing her too much stress. She had that on top of work and school, which wasn't helping. It's been a problem before, but she never expressed a desire for me to quit altogether (though I should have read between the lines and examined myself better). Anyways, she says she's going to go stay with some friends and she needs some time to think. That was several days ago. I made the mistake of not doing NC until I read up about it heavily today and got some advice. So, I'm now on the NC track. What really caught me off guard was that we had such a good time just the night before and the next day seemed fine until I got home. I just don't understand how that happened. When I talked to her she said she loves me and only wants to be with me, but she's confused. I assume that she's thinking about whether she can trust me to not drink and whether that will help relieve her stressful life. But, of course, I can't read minds. I know that she does sincerely love and does sincerely want to be with only me, if we make it through this. I doubt the issue is another guy just from what I know of her. So, my question is, does anyone have any experience with someone coming back after something like this?
jamespotter Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It does sound like this is not over. Maybe the two thoughts of marriage with you and marriage with someone with an alcohol problem (if that is what you have) coincided in her mind and freaked her out? I think that by going away for a few days she wants to scare you into giving up on alcohol, because she cares too much about you to see you with such a problem.
Author jooknow Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I wouldn't say you're totally off-base. Her father and my father are both alcoholics. I've expressed to her that I don't want to be like either one of them. Like I said, I just started NC today. I called her last night (to tell her I was dealing with the alcohol problem and was abstaining), and she was at a restaurant getting food. Her order came up and she got a little tone in her voice when I wouldn't shut up and let her go. Hopefully, I didn't screw up too badly. I'm more or less on day 3 total and today is the first of NC.
jamespotter Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Congrats man! I know how hard NC can be and to be honest I've given in more times than not.. If her father is an alcoholic then she may well be aware of all the negative aspects of life that come with living one. As a result, she may well have said to herself many times since childhood that she would never marry one, and after you guys discussed it, those memories came back. Do your best in abstaining, and letting her know that you are too. Visit groups, get into some other distracting activity, become a foodie etc importantly, never make it appear that you are missing it, even if you are. I think that's the only way she'll be comfortable enough to return to the relationship you were in before she left.
Chi townD Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I know this may sound way off base. But, who is she with while she's taking this "break" from you? I mean, you stated that you're cleaning up your act. She says that she loves you and only wants to be with you....so what's there to be "confused" about? You said you just got back into town. Who has she been hanging with when you were OUT of town. I think you need to do a little investigating and don't be asking her 20 questions. Look for stuff on your own. People only use the "confused" line when there's someone else in the picture. You stated that you abused alcohol. Okay, that may be her excuse to leave and hook up with someone else by making you out to be this uncontrolable alcoholic in her mind when infact it's just a few drinks on the weekend. It might be that she's trying to ease her own guilt about what she's doing because as far as she's concerned, you care more about a bottle than you do her, so she shouldn't feel bad about what she's doing. Giving herself permission to mess around. And IF there's someone else and you catch her, I guarantee that is the FIRST thing she's going to throw in your face. That the breakdown of the relationship was entirely your fault and "This other guy isn't the reason why we fell apart." uh huh...yeah...right. Look, I hope I'm wrong and way off base. But, the only time I've seen the "I'm confused" line is when there's someone else. Look into it and rule it out. 2
EgoJoe Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Sadly, I agree with ChitownD though not because I don't like him. But, because I've been there and it is true.
Reddice Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 People only use the "confused" line when there's someone else in the picture. -------------------------------------------------------- Look, I hope I'm wrong and way off base. But, the only time I've seen the "I'm confused" line is when there's someone else. Look into it and rule it out. Have to agree with Chi town on this one. My GF used the "confused" lined on me as well. Not even 24 hours before this, we were talking about our possible children's names. About a week after dropping the confused line, she was already living with another guy. I'm going to tell you this right now, you will be going through hell the next couple of days/weeks. In that sense, the best piece of advice I can give you is a reference to the supposed inscription at the entrance to Hell in Dante's "Divine Comedy": Abandon all hope ye who enter here. 1
Frank13 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I know this may sound way off base. But, who is she with while she's taking this "break" from you? I mean, you stated that you're cleaning up your act. She says that she loves you and only wants to be with you....so what's there to be "confused" about? You said you just got back into town. Who has she been hanging with when you were OUT of town. I think you need to do a little investigating and don't be asking her 20 questions. Look for stuff on your own. People only use the "confused" line when there's someone else in the picture. Look, I hope I'm wrong and way off base. But, the only time I've seen the "I'm confused" line is when there's someone else. Look into it and rule it out. I was going to post the same thing. It is fairly obvious and I was wondering why the first few replies missed it.
fucpcg Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I had a girlfriend at 28, she was 23, who I fell in love with, and was ready to propose to. We lived in different cities, but after a year together made the choice for her to move in with me. We spent two weeks together, ending in her flying home on a Sunday, only to pack and for me to pickup her and her stuff the next weekend. That Monday, she said she felt she wasn't ready to do it. At this point I was definitely an old 28, I had traveled half the globe and definitely had my party days. She was young 23 had hardly left her city. She felt there was still more for her to explore. I said if you are not ready to move in with me, lets break up, you go do what you have to do, just know I love you and want you to come back to me. 1.5 years later she did. Problem was, I moved back to my hometown because of sick father and grandparents. I still love that girl, and we are still friends, but she did come back, and she is definitely one that got away, but she did come back.
Senateguy Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 There is another guy. Girl's don't need "Time to think." That's all bull****. There is another guy. She wants to figure out if things can workout with the other guy. You're toast. Look through her phone next time you see her. You'll be shocked at what you see.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Im with the latter majority. Typical line "I need time to think" which just means "This is going to be a slow dragged out breakup. She's been planning to break it off with you for a while, probably lost her attraction to you before you started abstaining, but still played the happy gf role. So I'm putting my money on another guy in the picture. I also bet her friends helped convinced her to break it off. People lie constantly when they want to break it off so they make it less painful for themselves. If she told you "Im breaking up with you because I fell out of love with you last year when you were drinking too much and I cant take anymore" then you would keep bugging her to try to save the relationship. She doesnt want to save it. If you want her back, your best bet is to cut her off COMPLETELY. Give her the space, dont let her talk to you unless she is ready to try again. Dont beg for her, dont contact her, dont write her anything. Let her think you need the relationship less than she does, it might help make her think twice, make her miss you. But assume this is a permanent breakup, dont count on her contacting you, and dont be surprised if you see her with someone else. Go snoop if you have to.
budley12 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 my ex did almost the same thing, and guess what... there was another guy.
usabup Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 100% there is another guy and you need to jump on this right now!
Lauriebell82 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I wouldn't say you're totally off-base. Her father and my father are both alcoholics. I've expressed to her that I don't want to be like either one of them. Like I said, I just started NC today. I called her last night (to tell her I was dealing with the alcohol problem and was abstaining), and she was at a restaurant getting food. Her order came up and she got a little tone in her voice when I wouldn't shut up and let her go. Hopefully, I didn't screw up too badly. I'm more or less on day 3 total and today is the first of NC. Okay, so you didn't tell her you were going to deal with the alcohol problem and abstain until AFTER she left? That's most likely the issue. She doesn't know whether or not she can believe that it's actually YOU who wants to stop drinking. Because you know, you can't do it just for her, you have to want to do it yourself. I have been in this position, I was the one who needed the "thinking break." Needless to say, I did not end up going back to him. I think it was a pretty bad sign that I needed a break in the first place, he was a pathological liar and I was hoping the break would get him to "change." I was dead wrong. She isn't going to be able to change you, you are the only one who can do that. I suggest seeking substance abuse counseling for your alcohol problem, it will help you prevent relapse. But do this for YOU. Just plain abstaining from alcohol is more difficult then you may realize, even if you are not at the alcohol dependent level yet. Plus the counselor will also be able to help you with your relationship as well.
Author jooknow Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 Sorry for taking so long to reply. After doing more reading on here, I think it might have been GIGS-like. She finally came back last Friday and broke up with me. She said the drinking and a few other things were an issue in the relationship, but ultimately there was a much larger problem: that she wanted to experience being independent. When we first started dating, I was in college living with roommates and she was in community college living with her parents. I got out of college and we moved in together and ended up where we are now, so she's really never been "on her own". One of the things that always attracted me to her was her independent nature. She could take care of herself, but just never really had a chance to do it. Quite frankly, I don't think I would want to be "settling down" if I hadn't had a chance to just do things for myself at some point in my life either. I might find out that I was wrong about this in the future, but I still don't think she was/is cheating on me. It doesn't really matter now anyways. Now I'm stuck in the phase where I try to move forward, but still hope that she comes back. I made a few dumb mistakes in the breakup - said something mean, pleaded my case for her to stay, told her I would be waiting. All things I know I shouldn't have. At least I also told her that I don't hate her and I understand why she's doing this.
Laveli Posted April 25, 2012 Posted April 25, 2012 My ex said the same thing, she "needed some time to think, maybe a month or two to improve her life" and "she was confused at this point" asked me to remain friends, but never once did she contact me. I was the one who wanted to remain in touch with her. She later said she did not remember what she had told be before, but she is moving on with her life without me. This was two months ago, and we have been in NC for a week now. Still feels bad.
Author jooknow Posted April 25, 2012 Author Posted April 25, 2012 My ex said the same thing, she "needed some time to think, maybe a month or two to improve her life" and "she was confused at this point" asked me to remain friends, but never once did she contact me. I was the one who wanted to remain in touch with her. She later said she did not remember what she had told be before, but she is moving on with her life without me. This was two months ago, and we have been in NC for a week now. Still feels bad. I feel for you. I guess my situation is a little different. My ex understandably wouldn't make any promises for the future, which makes sense. How could someone make promises to others when they are doing what they need for them - for them to be happy. My ex didn't say anything about being friends, in fact, I brought it up. She said she was interested in it, but wasn't going to commit to anything at that point. It's rough though, I know how you feel.
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