brownvlb Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I am brand new to this, but have often searched for relationship advice and links to this site have come up. seems like a fairly decent place to share and receive advice. In advance, I apologize if this is long. I'll do my best to keep it to the point, but there's gotta be a little background to truly understand my situation... I have been with my boyfriend coming up on 3 years. We have been living together for a little over a year now, have an apartment and two cats together. We split everything and live together quite well. However...the emotional state of our relationship is and has been piss-poor for a long time (in my mind and according to my needs). There have been far too many times where I have expressed my needs to him, only to be shut down. I have literally been told that I am the one who needs to change because he will not and I should just learn to "deal with it". I truly believe he is sometimes incapable of showing any sort of empathy or care for others. There are many, many examples of his total lack of care for me as his girlfriend, but the largest stem from me telling him my concerns and him responding that he doesn't need to (insert whatever it may be here) and that I should deal with that. Physical touch, for example...I am the constant initiator (although not much anymore) of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. 70% of the time, i am turned down, told to "move over" or to "stop bothering" him. He also refuses to ever call me, text me or make any sort of contact with me during the day. If I call him just to say hi, he gets mad. He says he "hates small talk" and he shouldn't have to contact me during the day if he doesn't want to. I have expressed how this makes me feel, both calmly and also angrily, and it makes no bit of difference. nothing has ever changed. these are just a few small things that could easily be fixed, but he refuses. other things are not so small. Another example of his total disregard for me and the relationship is when about 3 months ago, I wrote him a letter expressing my concerns and what needs to change if this relationship should move forward. I asked him to read it and he flat out said NO. Not later, or when he was ready, just NO. I let it go because i was so angry, I would've said something I didn't mean. Shortly after that, I had a death occur, a close family friend who was like another grandmother to me. When I first learned of her condition (in a voicemail from my mother), he told me "stop freaking out" until I heard the whole story. When she did pass, he didn't say a word to me. No "I'm sorry for your loss", even forgot that I was even going to the funeral, and when I got home from it, he was annoyed that I was "in a mood". In addition to all of this, he hates my best friend because she once stood up for me to him, does not having any friends of his own, completely and totally ignores his family who obviously care for him very much, and passes judgement on everything and everyone he meets. He has had some very significant losses in his life--one being his mother to Lou Gehrig's disease, the other being his best friend and brother-in-law to adult leukemia. I can't imagine the sort of pain these losses have caused him, but I think that he never truly dealth with them and this may be the cause of some of his behavior. Regardless however, I am fed up with this treatment of me and others as well. He refuses to talk to his father because he doesn't like his father's girlfriend. It's been 7 years since his mother passed, and his father is more than entitled to date and meet new people. But my bf hates the woman and therefore, absolutely refuses to have anything to do with his dad, same thing with my best friend. fast forward to a month ago...I lost it. I said I was through and unless things changed, I was done and moving out. He tried to twist things onto me, then finally sort of "agreed" to what I was saying. He never said he was sorry or that he would actually work on things, but his emotional reaction seemed to speak louder than words. I found him out on the couch one night crying, and I caved and have given it more time. Which leads me to today. After him completely ignoring me on Easter, leaving me totally alone for the day because he was "annoyed" with me for asking what our plans were, I've told him i'm leaving. I've moved back to my parents (NOT the ideal situation) and told him I have absolutely nothing left to give. He's begging me now, pleading day in and day out, that he will change. That he'll go to counseling, that he will do ANYTHING to make me come home and give him the chance to show me "how much he loves me". Problem is, I don't know where my heart is anymore. I've been so beaten down that although I WANT to believe him, and I truly do want to believe him, I don't know if I can. I've given specific examples of what has to change, and all he does is say he'll be nicer. Then last night he said he was starting to get doubtful about giving things another chance because I was being negative about it. I am totally, 200% torn on what to do. I am afraid that if I don't give him a chance, i may lose out on something great (even though it's hard to remember when the last time things were really great between us). Anyway...has anyone ever been in a similar situation and had it work out when you gave him/her another chance? He's begging now but it's hard to ignore the fact that he ignored all my other "threats" (if you even want to call them that, I never threatened walking out). I feel like we are an old couple when in reality, I am 26 and he is 30. I want to fall back in love with him, but I don't know if I can, and if he can change enough to make that happen. STRUGGLE.
january2011 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 No, he's had almost three years to change. You've spoken to him numerous times about his behaviour and he's dismissed your concerns. You need someone who will be loving and supportive, especially when you need them the most. He has shown that he will abandon you at your time of greatest need. I don't think it's about you or the relationship. A lack of empathy for others is not something that can be rectified overnight and I doubt will ever be truly 'cured'. His problems will not be solved by your moving back in with him. Let him go and move on with your life. Otherwise, you will find that if you move back, he might initially pretend that he's changed but the temptation to go back to his old ways will be too strong. And you'll be back at square one again. 1
Author brownvlb Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thank you for your advice. I feel like I've been trying to excuse his lack of empathy for me because he is in pain from his losses, but a mature, developed person would realize their issues and choose (or not) to get help, regardless of their relationship status or not. I've suggested taking a big step back (moving out) and still dating, but he says he can't show me his changes and progress if we aren't living together. I am concerned by his logic, because I feel that moving out and still seeing each other would really force him to work hard and make the changes FOR HIMSELF, not just me. It's tough, but I really feel like my heart is telling me to let go.
january2011 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) You're welcome. I agree that he can still show you that he's changed without your having to live with him and that he needs to do this for himself rather than as a way to get back into your good books. I also agree that rather than use his past as crutch and excuse for his poor behaviour, the option to seek therapy was well within his grasp. If you feel that you would be better off without him, then that is the path you must take. At this point in time, I think that you need to be selfish and think about what would be best for you. Edited April 20, 2012 by january2011
Recommended Posts