rbitrage Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm asking this because I have never experienced one. Once we break up we break up, whether she initiated or I did. Other thing is people on these forums are always advising against hoping to reconcile. Yet I always hear from friends how a couple that broke up once, do their necessary independent repair work and end up back together better than ever. I know this is maybe 5% of the cases, but I've never directly seen it happen . The other aspect that makes it near impossible is, part of the only way you can get over it is to stop wishing for them, and the thing is once you truly stop doing that and are totally over them, even if they come back, you yourself probably won't want it at that point because you've moved on. So am hoping someone can tell me what reconciliations they've actually seen because to me it seems like a rigged system where everyone is trying to get over it and hence make a reconciliation pretty much impossible. Meantime if you go to the marriage announcement sections of a newspaper there are plenty of stories of couples who fought, broke up, spent time apart and now are happier than ever. I am just curious if this idea of a reconciliation is a fairy tale like the tooth fairy?
Senateguy Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) I think it happens maybe years down the road and i think it only happens if the guy breaks up with the girl. I think there is a weird phenomenon about women dumping men that eventually they just have no desire to be with the guy anymore. It's like interest level and sex appeal has vanished. Where guys are more prone to go back to the well - so to speak - and can entertain having sex with a past ex more freely. That's just my theory. And i also think that it is highly correlated to the behavior of the dumpee post break up. Did the dumpee act like an idiot? Get clingy? Or simply walk away and maintain self respect? All in all i think the chances are very very slim for true reconciliation. I got back together with my ex for two months and looking back, it was a mistake. The baggage and hurt that is caused by the initial breakup and the actions of the dumper doesn't really heal for years in my eyes. One partner is always going to be really hurt by the experience and it is going to take a long long time for them to truly get over it. And once they are over it, they don't want anything to really do romantically with the person who caused them so much pain. But in a rare instance i think getting back together can work if the guy is the one that did the dumping, there was no cheating involved and years of time has passed. I think once you get past about the six week mark of the date you broke up....the relationship is done. Too much hurt has been caused. In summary, i think guys are more likely to take an ex back than girls and i think it all depends on the length of time since the break up and the behavior of the dumpee. Edited April 19, 2012 by Senateguy 1
callmegee Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Your reasons for the break up could be less dramatic/severe than some in here. Identify the reasons the break up happened, have you both learned anything about relationships from it, have you both gotten through past mistakes if any, have you considered that these same problems can happen again in the future though your response & actions can be different. End of the day, when it's mutual you want to be with each other, nothing can separate you two. Keyword, mutual.
Author rbitrage Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Well in my case, I broke up with her and it's more like we're taking a break than necessarily broken up. Yes I know a lot of people will say it's the same thing but just wanted to point that out. Anyways, I don't have much hope of reconciliation because of my past history, but we don't have some major baggage to deal with if we did decide to try again (there was no cheating, lying, major fights etc). I can go into more details but again I am trying to keep this about the broader topic of reconciliation and whether it really happens in a healthy way.
callmegee Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Well, if you put it like that, why not just start over then? Rather then reconcile. Start fresh with her. Woo her all over again. Fall in love all over again. You da man. Faint heart never got fair maiden.... Whenever you're ready...
Author rbitrage Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 haha yeah that sounds like a plan. I think that would be best. Do a complete reset But as you say, it takes two to make something work, so she's got to be keen on the prospect should it present itself. And not exactly sure if it will, and how i will know if it will 1
Sugarkane Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Recons seem few and far between. Not many people on here have managed a true recon and actually stayed together. Why does it rarely work? I have always done true NC and haven't broken NC. Maybe next time I should cry, scream, act crazy and beg, maybe then I'll actually get a recon?
john 07 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 good luck with that Lol that's what I used to say to my buddies when they wanted to get back. But to the OP it really takes times sometimes. With my last relationship reconciliation took about a year. If your expecting for it to happen its going to dissapoint u if it doesn't happen.
Reddice Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) Lol that's what I used to say to my buddies when they wanted to get back. But to the OP it really takes times sometimes. With my last relationship reconciliation took about a year. If your expecting for it to happen its going to dissapoint u if it doesn't happen. In the meanwhile you're putting your eggs in one basket. I wouldn't risk it. A woman might do so over a man, but that's because it's easier for them to find someone else. Us, men, we have to put a lot of effort into finding and seducing a woman. I would rather spend it on someone who deserves it than on someone who dropped me like a brick before. Edited April 20, 2012 by Reddice
Hope4anangel Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Me and my recent ex broke up exactly a year ago tomorrow... We got back together after a month. I dropped his stuff off to him, deleted him from Facebook and vanished. No contact. He texts two weeks later asking how I am. Two weeks later on we bump into eachother on a night out and he tells me he loves me and wants me back. We got back together. But unfortunately that only lasted 10 months as I am now in the same place a year later...
Author rbitrage Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Yeah I would expect most people to say that reconciliations don't really work. In my case it was complicated because some of her lack of effort was justified by her heavy work load and she was 2-3 months away from finishing a very long residency program. Having said that there was a very inconsistent effort being made even from an emotional standpoint and I got tired of the super sweet and kinda indifferent. Thing is it's very easy to justify walking away from people when they are not behaving exaclty as you want, and what I see on this forum is mostly that - recommendatoins to move on etc. I think if it's really bad and you feel it as such then yes I agree with walking away. In my case, the timing was just really bad because we met eachother, and then she had one of the most important 3-4 months of her life to finish off in a very long journey towards becoming what she aspired to for a long time. Would I be very consistent in that situation? no. I guess I just don't really know how one decides if something is really worth fighting for, or waiting for anymore. We have become a therapy culture and the easy answer is walk away and protect your own well being. In my case, it was not even her that asked to break up. It was me, because I felt it was good for both of us right now, and she agreed that it is probably for the best in light of her work load etc. In our conversation neither of us said i don't want this, but we agreed that rigth now it just doesn't work as is. I don't know what the right answer is, but I'm trying to wrestle with whether it is something to keep hope alive for.
callmegee Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I guess I just don't really know how one decides if something is really worth fighting for, or waiting for anymore. I'm trying to wrestle with whether it is something to keep hope alive for. Only you can answer that. Instead of stressing over the matter, try to stay cool for 2 weeks to a month and reevaluate your feelings and make a decision then. Even when couples reconcile after a breakup, things may not be as rosy as when you were dating each other before. Plus with her new workload and all....
Author rbitrage Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Yeah I hear you and thanks for the words of advice. I am trying to embrace the uncertainty. the week we have been apart has been helpful for me to contemplate all these issues and I've been spending more time with friends who I was ignoring. I'm trying to think about it as a long term decision rather than a short term decision, where a month or so apart is not the end of the world. In fact it may be absolutely necessary.
SilverBlueAndGold Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I would not go so far as to call them a myth but in my personal experience it is very hard to pull off. Each time I have reconciled with an ex, there was a brief period of the appearance of a new start but sooner or later we always found ourselves right back to the reasons we broke up before. Not saying that it cannot happen, but more often than not there has to be radical, life changing events that take place or else nothing really changes.
Author rbitrage Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well it makes sense that if a couple tries again there will be a lot of expectation built in and a lot of history to overcome, so falling off the wagon and going back to a bad place is very easy it seems
KathyM Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I know of three cases among my own family and friends where there was reconciliation. Two cases lasted for the long term--one did not. One couple were married for many years, separated for seven months, and then reconciled and are now living happily married again. One couple who dated during their youth broke up, married others, divorced others, and are now back together with the romantic partner of their youth. One couple split up after five years of dating, realized they didn't want to be separated, and got back together after a few weeks, and they ended up married. They are now divorced, since the problems that caused them to split up initially eventually destroyed their marriage. If people are willing to accept their responsibility for the deterioration in the relationship, and work on themselves and what caused the relationship to end, they can sometimes make it work the second time around, but few people are willing to do that--acknowledge their part in the deterioration of the relationship, and fix their issues that caused it.
Author rbitrage Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks Kathy...That was helpful. I definitely know I have issues to work through during this time. I went from a very detached bf with my previous ex to a somewhat clingy bf with this girl. And the more clingy i got, the more detached she got. Not sure why I went so far one way and then the other from one girl to the next (though I suspect it might have been some residual guilt from how indifferent I was with previous one). In any case, whether it's this girl or a new person in my life, I definitely need to sort out this extreme detached/attached yo yo I seem to have done in my life with gf's
KathyM Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Thanks Kathy...That was helpful. I definitely know I have issues to work through during this time. I went from a very detached bf with my previous ex to a somewhat clingy bf with this girl. And the more clingy i got, the more detached she got. Not sure why I went so far one way and then the other from one girl to the next (though I suspect it might have been some residual guilt from how indifferent I was with previous one). In any case, whether it's this girl or a new person in my life, I definitely need to sort out this extreme detached/attached yo yo I seem to have done in my life with gf's It's good that you're aware of your tendency to be in the extreme--either detached or clingy. Those extremes will usually cause a break up. People need to realize that, in order to have a healthy relationship, you have to put time and attention into the relationship, but also have a life of your own and allow your partner to have some amount of space and right to their own life as well. Nobody likes to be smothered, and nobody likes to be ignored. When you find that balance, then you have a much better chance of having a relationship work out for the long term.
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