Princess71 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Say you have a friend that you talk to every couple of months and you usually do the initiating. Then one of these times you call him and he doesn't return your call. Would you try again or assume the person doesn't want to hear from you anymore? Keep in mind this is a flirtatious relationship and you are the girl calling the guy. If you did decide to call again, how bad would you look??
january2011 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 If he's a good friend, I'd keep trying. Otherwise, I'd take the hint and let him be.
Eddie Edirol Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Assume he doesnt want to hear from you. If they want to talk to you, they will make time to call you back.
M2155 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I assume you left a message (do people still do that? : )? If not and he is a good friend I'd give the benefit of a doubt and try once more. But if you are interested in him romantically and you are always the initiator, I would give it a rest after that. There's a reason he isn't returning the interest.
Swenea Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 If he is interested, he'll call. Guys will find ways to be in you life if they really want to be there. Think about all they bothersome guys you don't want any attention from. You have showed your interest, now it's up to him to pursue. If he isn't pursuing you, move on to guy that will. 1
DjinnAgain Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 If I had anyone not want to call me in a couple months period regularly if I didn't initiate, I would not be interested any longer and I would consider them more a casual acquaintance than a friend. I would let this one go. Not because he didn't answer this time, but because of everything that led to it.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thank you, guys, for your replies. I realize I shouldn't call again and I know his interest is close to zero, if not zero. The thing is, I can't stop thinking about him and I figure I have nothing to lose by trying again. EXCEPT if I come off as desperate or pathetic. I don't want that. So I guess my question is not what the "right" thing to do is, or what the situation calls for, but rather what is the level of DAMAGE I am inflicting on myself. To make it clearer, he used to initiate talking to me online and then my computer broke , then I made a phone call to him a few months ago to which he was very receptive. Then I tried again a few months later, left a message and no return call. The weird thing is when I spoke to him last time he said its been too long since we spoke and that he knows it's his fault and that he knows he has to make it UP to me. I said yeah, I've given you a lot of leeway and there are other guys in line waiting to see me and he said he's going to get to work and be in touch with me before I decide to get rid of him. Well, so much for that lol. So if I DO Call again, how much of a desperate loser do I look like? If it seems like I'm looking to hear what I want to hear, you are right. In the end I'm going to do what I want, but if you tell me that I will come off looking really bad, I will seriously reconsider Thank you for reading all this!!
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I said yeah, I've given you a lot of leeway and there are other guys in line waiting to see me and he said he's going to get to work and be in touch with me before I decide to get rid of him. Well, so much for that lol. Are you even seeing him? It really doesn't sound like it. I think you made your intentions clear and he made it clear that he's not interested in anything more than the occasional chat. I have to wonder if you're hanging to this guy because you don't want to admit that you're being rejected. Rejection happens to everyone, and all it usually means is that the other person doesn't see compatibility where you do. Hanging around won't change that fact, but it does make you less available for the guys who will be crazy about you. So get cracking on those other guys who want to see you, because you're wasting your time, energy (and possibly damaging your self-esteem) on this one. Does it make you look desperate? I don't know if that's the proper term. It does make it look like you're into him and not getting the point that he doesn't reciprocate. I'm sure he's flattered, but that's it.
Professor X Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 So if I DO Call again, how much of a desperate loser do I look like? If it seems like I'm looking to hear what I want to hear, you are right. In the end I'm going to do what I want, but if you tell me that I will come off looking really bad, I will seriously reconsider Thank you for reading all this!! I'm sure guys called you and you didn't answer them nor returned their call. What did you think about them when they tried to call you again? Losers? Creeps? "WHY DON'T YOU GET THE HINT, MORON?" 1
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Wow, these replies are painful to read. They are helpful, though, and probably what I need to hear. Please keep them coming. I need something to snap me back into reality.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I wonder what's worse, being called pathetic or a moron.........
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Princess, I read your posts on this guy. I know how you feel; I also used to waste YEARS on non-relationships. I would analyze every little thing they ever did or said, looking for hints that perhaps they really liked me (despite all the evidence to the contrary). You really only have one life to live. It's a gift and it's too precious to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate you the way you deserve. His reasons don't matter. All that matters is that this is bringing you pain. You need to let go. It's not easy but it's the only way. 2
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I'm sorry our words are hurting you - but it sounds like you already knew the answer to this one and only needed to hear it confirmed. And listen, I think many of us have been there. I used to only do long crushes on guys who didn't seem to reciprocate, one throughout all of high school and one throughout most of my undergrad. This ran my self-esteem to the ground. And these guys were nice guys who thought I was a nice girl and a great friend but who probably just didn't feel it for me. In the meantime, I was appearing totally unapproachable to the guys who did find me interesting. The sooner you learn not to do that, the better. Now I have multiple crushes on many guys, not pinning my hopes on any single one until they take the lead and show me they're interested. It's a lot more fun and a lot less painful.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I think what is making it so hard to let go is that he WAS interested and then changed his mind so quickly. And he knew me for a while so I have to think was I that bad of a kisser that I turned him off so badly?? That part stings so bad that I can't accept it.
M2155 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I don't know your whole story but I was recently rejected by a guy I had friendly exchanges with because he was dating someone else. Even though he did like me, timing was off. So while I agree with everyone the signs are pretty clear that he's not into you, I don't think you look bad having called every few months. If you are driven by obsession for this guy, that will come across even if you try to pretend- that is bad. If you genuinely just want to stay in touch, I think it's okay to do so casually (if it were me I'd go the text/email route just to say hello).
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I think what is making it so hard to let go is that he WAS interested and then changed his mind so quickly. And he knew me for a while so I have to think was I that bad of a kisser that I turned him off so badly?? That part stings so bad that I can't accept it. I take it you two never actually talked about officially 'ending' whatever was going on? It could be so many things that made him lose interest, many of which have little to do with you. There's really not point beating yourself up, no matter the reason. And hey, kissing styles are just that, kissing styles. We each have our preferences and ways of doing it.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Well, i emailed him asking him why he backed off and he basically said he doesn't know and that it happens in practically every situation he's had with women, that it's been his cross to bear. He said it's obvious there are feelings between us but that he's not sure if it's right and he doesn't know what to do next. He also said he wants to continue to see me even though there would be awkwardness but that we could overcome it. So I guess I read what I wanted to in that and thought we would stay in touch.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I don't know if I made it clear, but my last post about the email was back when the whole thing happened, not recently.
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Well, i emailed him asking him why he backed off and he basically said he doesn't know and that it happens in practically every situation he's had with women, that it's been his cross to bear. He said it's obvious there are feelings between us but that he's not sure if it's right and he doesn't know what to do next. He also said he wants to continue to see me even though there would be awkwardness but that we could overcome it. So I guess I read what I wanted to in that and thought we would stay in touch. ha! So it isn't you, it's him . Guess what, you're in a much better position than he is. You're ready for a relationship. He's not. That also means that you're incompatible. You don't want the same thing. You gave him a chance to figure himself out and he hasn't. Now it's time to forgive yourself for hanging on too long and forget him.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Kamile, do you really think he's telling the truth? Part of me doesn't buy it. I mean can he go around his whole life not being ready for a relationship? He's 39. Our mutual friend tells me he stays home on the weekends and doesn't do much socializing and yet he has so much personality. He himself told me he has trouble socially with women but I just find it hard to believe. Maybe I don't want to believe it? Are there people out there that are complacent not dating?
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Have you had sex with him yet? No, no sex, just made out for a while.
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Kamile, do you really think he's telling the truth? Part of me doesn't buy it. I mean can he go around his whole life not being ready for a relationship? He's 39. Our mutual friend tells me he stays home on the weekends and doesn't do much socializing and yet he has so much personality. He himself told me he has trouble socially with women but I just find it hard to believe. Maybe I don't want to believe it? Are there people out there that are complacent not dating? He told you he struggles to make lasting connections with women and your mutual friends gave you anecdotal evidence that supports what he said. So yes, given the options of believing him or questioning him, I would pick believing him. And yes, some people do go through their whole lives as bachelors. But no matter what, you have plenty of evidence that shows you that this guy isn't the right guy for you. It sounds like your infatuation with him has already caused you more pain than a fling ever should. Decide for yourself and your own well-being to move on.
Author Princess71 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 Thank you, kamile. You are right. The pain is excruciating. I actually think I have an obsession disorder or something. I can't really think of another guy right now which makes this so difficult. I'm often told that it doesn't matter what his reasons are that he's not into me and I just have to accept it. For some reason it really matters to me what the reasons are. Maybe in my warped mind I believe that if he's rejecting me because he has "issues" then he could overcome them. But if he is rejecting me because he is not attracted to me, that will never change. In the end, either way I have to move on, it's true. But I hate the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again.
Kamille Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 But I hate the thought of never seeing or hearing from him again. Of course. It's the toughest part of the decision to move on. It's allowed to hurt. It's tough, it's difficult, and I don't know if you ever smoked, but at first, it feels like quitting smoking. Your mind is going to try to trick you into finding reasons to get in touch with him. But eventually, you will realize that you feel better without him in your life. I've been there. Many of us have. I think it's tougher when this kind of stuff happens in a budding relationship, vs, when a relationship ends because it's run its course. There's a sense of injustice to the former, like you were never truly given a fair chance. And let's face it, you weren't. But you should never waste your time trying to convince someone to give you a chance.
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