Breaks and break ups.......

[jamespotter]

Hi,

My name is James and I desperately need some piece of mind. I had a relationship which lasted about ten months with an ex-girlfriend. We are no longer together and below I have explained why.

 

We started seeing each other a few months before that ten months began, but it didn't go too well and she ended up calling it off. It was my first ever relationship, and whilst she had had a few, I found it hard at first to be in a relationship, so we sadly broke down. However, we both said that we would not shut out the possibility of us. We kept in touch for some months and got closer and closer again - eventually leading towards us getting back together, properly this time. For months we were unbelievably close, we saw each other all the time and were pretty much in love. We travelled together, to New York and to Paris (as a Valentine's surprise for her). We couldn't wait until we started uni, where we could spend as much time as we wanted together.

 

However, about seven or eight months into our relationship the arguments starting coming thick and fast, which led to us going on a 'break'. It was distinct from a break up in that we were exclusive and trying but just needed space to hope things got better. I was intent on the 'break' being a short term thing, as after such a long time together (we were just 19 years old) I believed a break wouldn't have the same effect as it did all those months before. I suggested we either work on things as a couple as best we can or realise that we should be apart, as hard as that would be. She was adamant about continuing the 'break', and because I still really loved her, I gave in and agreed. We continued to plan our summer holiday together, we slept together etc.

 

However, after a holiday away with her best friend, she returns saying that we shouldn't sleep together and that it would be best if we stopped our relationship. She told me that it wasn't because she didn't love me but because she was too miserable in herself to be with me. Of course, I did not take this well - assuming that if after all this time I didn't make her happy, then there was really no hope for us.

 

I tried to be strong and mature about it, but I was devastated, of course. I went to see her numerous times to win her back but all attempts were futile.. the best response I got was that maybe in the future if we don't find anyone else and we are still unhappy apart then we could see each other again.

 

So 6 weeks go by before university starts a real low point in my life. We barely talked to each other, except with the occasional text or facebook conversation. I came to terms with the fact that she didn't want to start university with me. I was still devastated when university began.

 

Being placed in the one hall of residence the furthest from campus, I met an isolated group of freshers. I ended up making out with a couple of girls and sleeping with one. I had only slept with 2 women before uni, my ex and a one night stand which was my first time, so this was admittedly out of character for me.

 

The next week I met up with her and she asked if I had done anything. I did not lie to her... and she went ballistic. I got hysterical phonecalls for a week. I had never realised she would respond like this. The reason she told me she reacted in such a way was because, (though I honestly have no memory of this) when I was desperately clutching at straws to win her back 2 months before, I had said that I would not do anything with any girl at Uni. She told me that she had not done even the slightest thing with another guy in that week, despite having had many opportunities.

 

When she calmed down a week or two later, she told me that she had planned on us getting back together in uni, on me living with her during the school week as she lived closest etc. This killed me. In her words, it was the 'last nail in the coffin for us'.

 

For the 6 weeks before university I had tried to come to terms with a life without her and focused all my attention on starting university after a gap year of mind-numbing inactivity. I feel like I had my heart broken twice. I have only ever discussed this with her, so after being told how weak I am as a person the opinions of others would be greatly appreciated. At the end of the day, I still really love her, and although I know I did not cheat, not a day goes by that I don't regret the consequences of my freshers week. But I honestly need to know if I deserved what I got, whether I really did ruin things for good - something I'll just have to live with? Thanks so much for reading - I realise how long this is so I really appreciate it.

[aliii]

I´m going through somethig similar...but I´m the one who found out he was seeing someone else, it´s quite different from your situation but similar in the way that your ex-gf and me (in my personal case) "thought" that you and my ex in this case were going to wait without doing or seeing anyone if you were professing all the love you told your ex you had for her, thats what my ex said until the very end even when he asked me to get back together he said he was going to love me for a while still and it was going to be hard for him to let go of me in his heart...but oh!, when I found out he was seeing someone else even when he was speaking those words....I went MAD!! ´cause I was too contemplating the idea of getting back together so I called him all sorts of names and even insulted him, his manhood, etc...

So I think your ex felt you were a sure thing when she called it off, maybe going to uni for her was a big change and needed the space to settle down and figure out things with you guys thats why she said she was planning a near future together...idk maybe give her some space and try to call her back and see if you can explain how you felt.

 

As for me my ex didn´t accept it was true but he didn´t deny it either so I had my answer, I´m pretty sure he is still seeing this person, cause he figured out I was a lost thing...and I am but now I´m having a hard time dealing with and I don´t know why...sometimes I feel it is because all of the things a called him after finding out, but everyone says he had it coming, but still is been hard form and its been 3 months since we broke up and just 2 weeks since I found out what he did.

 

I hope you get to talk to her at least, if you still love her.

 

I still wonder why he kept telling me he loved me while he was seeing this other person...I told him he broke my heart he never replied back.

[jamespotter]

Thanks for your message aliii,

That sounds really hard, I'm really sorry to hear it. It sounds strange to me that he would be saying all these things to you if he was genuinely seeing someone else... maybe the realisation of life apart from you (with someone else) made him realise his feelings for you? Although that doesn't explain why he is still with the other person...

 

I think the difference in my situation though, was that when I was confessing my love for my ex, in the summer last year, I hadn't even considered doing anything with anyone else. I tried and tried and eventually had to cut my losses and try to move on (having only been in love once the idea of moving on was new and frankly terrifying to me).

 

It was long after I fully believed we were over with no chance for reconciliation that I let myself do what I did (over a month later). I had no idea what was to come and the way my ex responded to it showed to me how much I still meant to her, and that's what broke my heart again and makes me feel so low. I couldn't understand how someone who definitively broke up with me (as opposed to going on a break - which we had already tried) could react so strongly to what inevitably happens to a single guy, especially dumped and on the rebound.

 

I'm really confused about everything to be perfectly honest can I ask, who broke up with who in yours aliii? If you don't mind of course

[aliii]

Sure...I broke it off, but he didn´t do the things I needed him to do in order to fix the problems we were having for a few months in the relationship, so I came to a point when I said enough is enough, he kept asking for patience and support and I gave him that but he didn´t give me what I needed. So that´s why I broke it off.

 

 

 

I had no idea what was to come and the way my ex responded to it showed to me how much I still meant to her, and that's what broke my heart again and makes me feel so low.

 

Sometimes I wonder if my ex feels like that too

[Chi townD]

Dude, the writing is on the wall. She is not innocent in this at all. Yet, she's making this all your fault. Let's break this down a little. She goes on vacation with her friend and when she comes back, she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore? Could it be possible she had unprotected sex with people while she was away? That she didn't want to be with you until she got a clean bill of health or making sure she wasn't pregnant first so she didn't have to explain anything to you.

 

When you were pining over her for two months and little to no results and you went ahead and had some fun, she went ballistic and then said to you that she didn't mess around with anyone THAT WEEK! So, what the hell was that supposed to mean?

 

Dude, don't beat yourself up. I don't think she's the little angel she's making herself out to be.

[Eddie Edirol]

 

It was long after I fully believed we were over with no chance for reconciliation that I let myself do what I did (over a month later). I had no idea what was to come and the way my ex responded to it showed to me how much I still meant to her, and that's what broke my heart again and makes me feel so low. I couldn't understand how someone who definitively broke up with me (as opposed to going on a break - which we had already tried) could react so strongly to what inevitably happens to a single guy, especially dumped and on the rebound.

 

James, dont feel bad, you did nothing wrong and I'll tell you why.

 

When people dump you, they many times have the ego boost that you still are pining for them, and they use that confidence to move on to someone new. They still have you as a backup plan just in case anything new doesnt work out, even if they dont plan on using the backup plan.

 

Your ex-gf dumped you, but nothing new worked out for her in the way she wants yet. So thats she got mad why when she found out that you moved on so soon, it hurt her ego, she thought she had a stanglehold on you. She wasnt really broken hearted. Think about if this makes sense. Why should she be broken hearted when she broke up with you and doesnt want to be with you anymore? She didnt want you to move on before she found love-other than you. She used your one night stands as a way to make you feel bad, she is manipulating you. She's lying her ass off. Like Chi-Town said, she is no angel. She never had any intention on getting back with you, but she wants you to feel as bad as she does, for you moving on. Make sense?

 

She never told you the real reasons she broke it off with you both times, and she doesnt like that you can move on so quickly. I know youre not really over her, but she thinks you are. And you want her to think that since she is trying to play games with you. Dont let her win. Let her see you with other women on campus, let her see you having a good time.

 

Young women like her want the guy that all the women want, and right now, to her, you look like you will be back on top of the world VERY soon, while she isnt. Do your thing and let her suffer for lying to you and playing games. She has no plans on getting back with you, so you dont have to worry about your actions. BTW, she will never fall for you again, but she will test you to see if you will get back with her after she sees you with these women on campus so she can gain some confidence that she can still get the guy that all these woman want. Dont fall for it. There will be another woman on campus that is a better fit for you than her, and by the looks of it, you will run into her very quickly.

Edited April 19, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[jamespotter]

There is actually more to my story, Chi townD...

 

She went on the holiday with her best male friend, someone I know she has no romantic attraction towards. She admitted to me that the holiday made her realise that the break wouldn't work, and that she couldn't make me happy if she was not happy in herself. She said that absolutely nothing happened with anyone on the trip and I believed her.

 

On Valentine's day of this year, she texted me saying that she wanted me to come over. I did, having waited for this moment for months and months. We slept together and had a pretty amazing week, but after I went to a party that weekend she said she didn't trust me anymore and couldn't do it.

 

About a month later, I tried to win her back and show her I was trustworthy. I did a really romantic gesture with things I knew meant lots to her.. it wasn't an expensive, showy thing, but something I knew she'd like. I suggested we try being together for a week, no pressure. We had a really great time. She even suggested we make it a little longer than a week. But at the end she said that she couldn't do any longer and that she was sorry, so we broke up once again.

 

She kissed a guy a few times in the first term, after being so hysterical with me. Less than a week after we broke up for the last time (after the no pressure week thing), I saw them holding hands at a party. She said that he was just 'guiding her through the crowds', and that they were 'just good friends'. I know her so well and know when she is hiding something, so kept asking about this guy. Eventually she told me she went to second base with him right after new years. She also said that, from now, she could see herself being with him in the future. This broke my heart.

 

After new years I had suggested a NC situation because I had tried so hard but nothing was happening. I was truly getting over things I believe, but then after she wanted me back for valentine's (also her birthday) I got sucked back in again. Now I'm high and dry and feel like she is the one moving on.

[Chi townD]

There is actually more to my story, Chi townD...

 

She went on the holiday with her best male friend, someone I know she has no romantic attraction towards. She admitted to me that the holiday made her realise that the break wouldn't work, and that she couldn't make me happy if she was not happy in herself. She said that absolutely nothing happened with anyone on the trip and I believed her.

 

On Valentine's day of this year, she texted me saying that she wanted me to come over. I did, having waited for this moment for months and months. We slept together and had a pretty amazing week, but after I went to a party that weekend she said she didn't trust me anymore and couldn't do it.

 

About a month later, I tried to win her back and show her I was trustworthy. I did a really romantic gesture with things I knew meant lots to her.. it wasn't an expensive, showy thing, but something I knew she'd like. I suggested we try being together for a week, no pressure. We had a really great time. She even suggested we make it a little longer than a week. But at the end she said that she couldn't do any longer and that she was sorry, so we broke up once again.

 

She kissed a guy a few times in the first term, after being so hysterical with me. Less than a week after we broke up for the last time (after the no pressure week thing), I saw them holding hands at a party. She said that he was just 'guiding her through the crowds', and that they were 'just good friends'. I know her so well and know when she is hiding something, so kept asking about this guy. Eventually she told me she went to second base with him right after new years. She also said that, from now, she could see herself being with him in the future. This broke my heart.

 

After new years I had suggested a NC situation because I had tried so hard but nothing was happening. I was truly getting over things I believe, but then after she wanted me back for valentine's (also her birthday) I got sucked back in again. Now I'm high and dry and feel like she is the one moving on.

 

 

Sorry dude, You really haven't sold me. She was holding hands with some dude at an event and it went from he was guiding me through the crowd and is just "a really good friend" to making out and getting felt up and seeing "herself with this guy for the long term"? This proves to me that she is extremely capable of lying to you.

 

Rule number one: When a cheaters lips are moving, they're usually lying.

 

Rule number two: Cheaters will only admit to what you can prove. She went on vacation with another guy, but NOTHING HAPPENED. Translation! Prove to me something happened. Because you can't.

[jamespotter]

I'm trying to give this as little bias as possible, because I genuinely need to know who is really in the wrong in an effort to help me move on. I got with a couple of girls after freshers week, but nothing serious and nothing more than kissing. It is hard to believe what she has said in retrospect, I know that, but it is even harder to move on. I don't understand how she can be so lacking in understanding and show such little forgiveness. If things were the other way round -even if she had broken up with me, never mind the other way round - I know it would have been devastating but I also know that I would have been able to forgive.

 

By the by, the first time I told her I loved her, after we split for the very first time, over a year ago, was the first time I ever said it to anyone. We were all over each other as a result, kissing etc. Less than half an hour later I find her making out in the kitchen with one of her guy friends, drunk, and holding hands with him all of that night. I was able to forgive that.. is it simply that she has never reciprocated my love that she couldn't forgive this?

[Chi townD]

I'm trying to give this as little bias as possible, because I genuinely need to know who is really in the wrong in an effort to help me move on. I got with a couple of girls after freshers week, but nothing serious and nothing more than kissing. It is hard to believe what she has said in retrospect, I know that, but it is even harder to move on. I don't understand how she can be so lacking in understanding and show such little forgiveness. If things were the other way round -even if she had broken up with me, never mind the other way round - I know it would have been devastating but I also know that I would have been able to forgive.

 

By the by, the first time I told her I loved her, after we split for the very first time, over a year ago, was the first time I ever said it to anyone. We were all over each other as a result, kissing etc. Less than half an hour later I find her making out in the kitchen with one of her guy friends, drunk, and holding hands with him all of that night. I was able to forgive that.. is it simply that she has never reciprocated my love that she couldn't forgive this?

 

Okay, I totally get it and the reasons for my other posts were to get you to see outside the box a little. I see that you're beating yourself up over the end of your relationship, that you're taking all of the blame here. (at least, it reads as such). I just want you to realize that it wasn't all your fault and she isn't innocent in this either. And every time you post, you're giving me a little more information that proves I was kind of right.

 

Look, you need to start NC on her and stay there. I have a feeling you're going to be stronger with maintaining NC more than she will. Meaning that I have a feeling that the first time she texts you, or e-mails you or calls you, you are going to jump at the chances. The hard part for you is to say no. That you won't answer her calls. But, you need to in order to move past this toxic relationship. Post here instead of contacting her.

 

You're in University! This should be one of the best times of your life! ANd I know there are a lot of pretty girls there that won't play these sort of games on you. SO, you need to go NC, heal and when you're ready, find those girls and have a good time.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm trying to give this as little bias as possible, because I genuinely need to know who is really in the wrong in an effort to help me move on. I got with a couple of girls after freshers week, but nothing serious and nothing more than kissing. It is hard to believe what she has said in retrospect, I know that, but it is even harder to move on. I don't understand how she can be so lacking in understanding and show such little forgiveness. If things were the other way round -even if she had broken up with me, never mind the other way round - I know it would have been devastating but I also know that I would have been able to forgive.

 

By the by, the first time I told her I loved her, after we split for the very first time, over a year ago, was the first time I ever said it to anyone. We were all over each other as a result, kissing etc. Less than half an hour later I find her making out in the kitchen with one of her guy friends, drunk, and holding hands with him all of that night. I was able to forgive that.. is it simply that she has never reciprocated my love that she couldn't forgive this?

 

Maybe you dont get it. She never planned on staying with you, she had nothing to forgive you about. Thats why she can play the insulted role. She knows you will try to gain her forgiveness, knowing you will fall for it to try to get back with her. She has nothing to forgive you for, she just wants you r ego to hurt like hers does, for you moving on more successfully than she does.

[jamespotter]

I know her very well Eddie, and I actually think she genuinely did want to get back with me after university had started. She is massively insecure and the last I heard has started getting professional help about depression. She needed me to show I would wait just for her and I think her expectations were just way too great.

 

As far as me saying I wouldn't do anything with any other girl when we split, does that put me even slightly in the wrong? Considering what I ended up doing. Because as far as I'm concerned it was a desperate promise in a string of desperate promises that any guy would make in the moment, in an effort to not lose someone.

[Eddie Edirol]

I know her very well Eddie, and I actually think she genuinely did want to get back with me after university had started. She is massively insecure and the last I heard has started getting professional help about depression. She needed me to show I would wait just for her and I think her expectations were just way too great.

 

As far as me saying I wouldn't do anything with any other girl when we split, does that put me even slightly in the wrong? Considering what I ended up doing. Because as far as I'm concerned it was a desperate promise in a string of desperate promises that any guy would make in the moment, in an effort to not lose someone.

 

We always know them very well before they break up with us. People become totally different when they break it off. Your ex is not innocent. She made out with guys after she told you she loved you. She may be insecure, but I dont think she was as into you as you think she was. She didnt want to get back with you after university or she would have stayed with you in the first place. She told you she needed to find herself, but its a common excuse to go out and date others, which you found out she did. BTW, when she says she kissed guys, she went further, but downplayed it to avoid losing you as a safety net. Everyone who believed their dumpers words usually finds out a month later that they were lying. I dont care how depressed she was, if she was fooling around with other guys, her excuses all go out the window. Dont give her more credit than she deserves.

 

You werent wrong to date other women when you are broken up, even if you said you wouldnt. You thought it was completely over, and it was, so you werent wrong, not even slightly. Especially since she is trying to guilt trip you.

[aliii]

agh...ok so being here, writing and reading all of these posts made me so anxious and got me wondering... I just want answers and I guess figure out what I feel.....I ended up calling him half an hour ago asking him to talk someother time, he said yes and that he would call me back next week to meet up cause he will be working during the weekend.

 

My friend just got mad at me for calling him, she said I shouldnt have done that.

 

Now I am all confused and scared....i feel like he and the waiting have so much power over me -

[jamespotter]

Alliii -

I believe I can sympathise with your ex. When I was dumped by mine, every reason she gave for leaving me seemed invalid and every negative thought resulting from the paranoia that comes from being dumped seemed real.

 

Did you tell him that you loved him and that you just needed a little time alone to clear your head, making it clear that you didn't want to lose him? Or did you leave things unclear and ambiguous? Because from my experience, my ex saying that she still wanted me, just that she needed to sort herself out first, and that in time she hoped that we could have something again, were the biggest group of cliches in the book. I took it as letting me down gently, which I'm sure 99% of guys would agree with.

 

Even if he does feel the way he says about you, regardless of whether he's seeing someone else, he has been dumped. Even if he still cares for you, can you blame him for trying to move on?

 

In my opininon, it is not fair for a girl to expect to get back together with the guy after she has done the dumping, and blaming him for anything he did in the meantime. If it was the other way around, the guy would come off looking like an advantage-taking user and a pig. There's no doubt about that. Don't you agree?

 

Also, good to get some female responses here. Very helpful

[jamespotter]

Also Alii, in your first post you said:

'So I think your ex felt you were a sure thing when she called it off'

 

How is that a fair thing to assume?

[aliii]

Also Alii, in your first post you said:

'So I think your ex felt you were a sure thing when she called it off'

 

How is that a fair thing to assume?

 

Not fair at all, that is her (and my) mistake but she trusted in the feelings you were professing and maybe she thought you wouldn´t do something right away...yeah I guess our situations are differents in the fact that my ex got involved with this other person during one of our "breaks" and I am assuming after we tried to fix things he didn´t get rid of her completely thats why I know that as soon as I broke it off he went straight to her...