the rollercoaster I wasn't prepared for

[passions]

Hello

I have written on here before about this situation.

It's not something acute, I am not sad or upset, I just write because I want to share my story and would appreciate any comments at all.

 

I'm mid 20's and last year I met a man whom I fell for immediately, love at first sight. I wasn't 100% aware of what was going on with me since I had never experienced anything like it before. We got to know eachother a little bit online before meeting IRL and he told me, before meeting that he was just meeting me for fun. Nothing serious. I was OK with that, I thought that it is good to have that attitude before meeting someone IRL, because things might not be how you expect.

Things were definately not how I expected

 

We had a strange connection, it was a heavy load of physical attraction and a lot of staring at eachother without talking. we didn't connect on a friendly level.

Things progressed very rapidly and we spent a lot of time together for 2 months but I could never be truly relaxed intimately with him, which was extremely frustrating because I tried to a thousand times, I wanted to! I needed something else/more from him, obviously and he was waiting for me to unleash the hidden passion I had in me.. But he grew tired and annoyed of it and dumped me after 2 months "not passionate enough"

But during these 2 months I got to experience a lot of other things...

His father was ill when he met me, and grew rapidly worse during our meetings, he passed away a month after he dumped me. I felt for him, a lot, I cared like no other. His family and friends they knew about me, asked about me and his father would say hello to me on the telephone. We'd sit wordless together, I felt like I was good company for him and he told me that he was glad that I was there. I never wanted to leave his side..

He was pretty heartless when he said that he didn't like me in -that way- -because-there-was-no-chemistry- and I couldn't understand how he could've acted the way he did! Sucha heartless pig! Do you sleep with someone multiple times and let them walk around in your slippers and clothes if you have no chemistry?

I never knew whether I could be angry and mad at this guy for treating me so badly or maybe I should feel compassion for him, understanding? I didn't know. Afterall, he had told me that he was just looking for fun.

We tried talking afterwards but it has been very affected by my strong and hurt and ambivalent feelings. He replied every time I would contact him..and sometimes he would write me to wish me well or happy new year.

What he usually tells me is that he is feeling low and depressed and that he has felt bad about how things ended, that he is a bad influence in my life and that he wishes me the best.

I have felt terribly confused and belittled. This man showered me with gifts and attention like no one else could. But I got the feeling I was more of a booty call than anything so I asked him and he was offended (during *dating*) I just wish he would speak the truth with me some day. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like trash..

I have felt an endless desire to prove myself to him and myself, that I am worth more, of course the man will never change his ways, I think and hope that I am not so focused on proving myself anymore - I think I have decided for sure that he is a heartless pig and not someone who deserves my sympathies. *angry face*

Edited April 19, 2012 by passions

[flitzanu]

Hello

I have written on here before about this situation.

It's not something acute, I am not sad or upset, I just write because I want to share my story and would appreciate any comments at all.

 

I'm mid 20's and last year I met a man whom I fell for immediately, love at first sight. I wasn't 100% aware of what was going on with me since I had never experienced anything like it before. We got to know eachother a little bit online before meeting IRL and he told me, before meeting that he was just meeting me for fun. Nothing serious. I was OK with that, I thought that it is good to have that attitude before meeting someone IRL, because things might not be how you expect.

Things were definately not how I expected

 

We had a strange connection, it was a heavy load of physical attraction and a lot of staring at eachother without talking. we didn't connect on a friendly level.

Things progressed very rapidly and we spent a lot of time together for 2 months but I could never be truly relaxed intimately with him, which was extremely frustrating because I tried to a thousand times, I wanted to! I needed something else/more from him, obviously and he was waiting for me to unleash the hidden passion I had in me.. But he grew tired and annoyed of it and dumped me after 2 months "not passionate enough"

But during these 2 months I got to experience a lot of other things...

His father was ill when he met me, and grew rapidly worse during our meetings, he passed away a month after he dumped me. I felt for him, a lot, I cared like no other. His family and friends they knew about me, asked about me and his father would say hello to me on the telephone. We'd sit wordless together, I felt like I was good company for him and he told me that he was glad that I was there. I never wanted to leave his side..

He was pretty heartless when he said that he didn't like me in -that way- -because-there-was-no-chemistry- and I couldn't understand how he could've acted the way he did! Sucha heartless pig! Do you sleep with someone multiple times and let them walk around in your slippers and clothes if you have no chemistry?

I never knew whether I could be angry and mad at this guy for treating me so badly or maybe I should feel compassion for him, understanding? I didn't know. Afterall, he had told me that he was just looking for fun.

We tried talking afterwards but it has been very affected by my strong and hurt and ambivalent feelings. He replied every time I would contact him..and sometimes he would write me to wish me well or happy new year.

What he usually tells me is that he is feeling low and depressed and that he has felt bad about how things ended, that he is a bad influence in my life and that he wishes me the best.

I have felt terribly confused and belittled. This man showered me with gifts and attention like no one else could. But I got the feeling I was more of a booty call than anything so I asked him and he was offended (during *dating*) I just wish he would speak the truth with me some day. I feel like I deserve it. I feel like trash..

I have felt an endless desire to prove myself to him and myself, that I am worth more, of course the man will never change his ways, I think and hope that I am not so focused on proving myself anymore - I think I have decided for sure that he is a heartless pig and not someone who deserves my sympathies. *angry face*

 

 

basically...just because he slept with you and later dumped you doesn't make him a heartless pig. he told you the truth, and you're not listening to his words. he said he isn't into you and doesn't feel he has chemistry with you. that means it wasn't working for him. that's the most honesty you're gonna get from a guy.

 

would you rather him just lie to you for 2 years and pretend to actually like you? he did you a favor by walking away gracefully and not using you when he realized he wasn't into you.

[geegirl]

You had expectations. He wanted fun. He was honest with you. Unfortunately you weren't honest with yourself. Set some boundaries for yourself.

 

Booty call, casual, fun...call it whatever you want, but the terms were clearly laid out for you.

[passions]

thanks for the replies. It was not like I couldn't hear what he said. I just found his actions terribly wrong and confusing and I haven't gone into much detail. He left me feeling low and lost for many months, and I do not think I would feel that way if I felt that I had been treated to any honesty. But maybe I am in the wrong. The entire time, he assured me that he cared about me sooo much yet his actions spoke the complete opposite.

I have been trying to be really nice to him and understanding but it has only been to my own disadvantage.

He's done so much damage to me that it's incomprehensible, whether he is a heartless pig or not, I am settled in viewing him as one for my own good.

sorry for my english btw, I am not a native english speaker.

[geegirl]

thanks for the replies. It was not like I couldn't hear what he said. I just found his actions terribly wrong and confusing and I haven't gone into much detail. He left me feeling low and lost for many months, and I do not think I would feel that way if I felt that I had been treated to any honesty. But maybe I am in the wrong. The entire time, he assured me that he cared about me sooo much yet his actions spoke the complete opposite.

I have been trying to be really nice to him and understanding but it has only been to my own disadvantage.

He's done so much damage to me that it's incomprehensible, whether he is a heartless pig or not, I am settled in viewing him as one for my own good.

sorry for my english btw, I am not a native english speaker.

 

Maybe the time has come for you to stop analyzing this but rather learning the lesson of setting healthy boundaries for yourself so that you're never put in a situation again where you will be/feel devalued.

 

It sounds cliche but actions do speak louder than words. In future relationships, if the actions do not match the words, it's a red flag and one you need to heed and not stick around hoping for change.

 

Whether he is a pig or not, is a different issue. If classifying him a pig helps you move on, then do what works for you. Moving forward, rather than focus on his behaviors, it's time to focus on yours and ask yourself what is it about YOU that makes unhealthy and self-destructive choices.

 

When he told you he wanted fun, that was your sign to go the other way. If you have values and boundaries that were not coinciding with what he was offering, then you should have walked the other way. Instead you short changed yourself. If you bargain, settle and go against your own wants and needs, because you're hoping things will change, then you're at risk. And when you feel someone is mishandling you, don't stay, get out. It doesn't change or get any better.

 

Use this as a lesson and start moving forward.