Gaye Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I am a few months into a new relationship and am terrified. What of you may ask, gosh I wish I knew...... I come from a very abusive past, and for the last 10 years I have been single and have worked hard to gain my independance and freedom from abuse. Then along comes a man who treats me with respect, honesty and love and it freaks me out. I am so conflicted, I have never felt beautiful but when we are together I feel like a super model and very comfortable around him. And yet I am still holding back, without really meaning to I pushed him away and still find myself looking for things that are wrong. He is not perfect (who is? definately not me) but his flaws are minor ones but I think I am holding onto them just in case...... He has met all my paranoia with patience and respect, giving me space if I need etc...... I know his feelings for me are further along than mine for him and he also knows this but is still wanting to be with me. Rationally I know that this is something that has much potential, but I worry that its not "real" because I havent had all the fluttery exciting feelings that are often associated with a new relationship. What I feel is warm and comfortable almost like we have been together for years. Are these irrational fears normal, I worry that I will wreck something great, or that I am trying to make it something that it really isnt. I never knew that things could be so hard!!! Any feedback would be really appreciated.
Patrice Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It's very normal to feel afraid given your past. Take is slow, if you need time and space, take it. If he understands, he is probably a good guy.
Author Gaye Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Thanks Patrice, he is a good guy, I just wonder if I am too damaged emotionally.
Patrice Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I hear you, going through the same thing. Have you been in therapy? My issue stems from a very controlling father - who has been quite cruel to all of his kids (there are four of us). I married a man who exhibited the same traits and divorced him after 27 years of marriage - just grew as a person and didn't like being controlled anymore. However, I noticed a pattern of continuing to be attracted to the same type of men as a single woman. Headcheck time! It's like I'm now hypervigilant to any sign of a control freak .. I just broke off a relationship two days ago. I think personally, I'll take the time and sort it out again - I have great male friends to bounce things off of .. and LS has helped a great deal.
Author Gaye Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Yes did years of therapy, helped with some of my issues, but as I was very depressed at the time it was more focused on keeping me safe. My father was very controling and violent to all of us (6), my mother was and still is jealous of me and is very nasty with sugary sweet coating. I also married a man very like my father at a young age, left after 16 years when i noticed him starting to control our teenage daughter. I gravitated to simular men for a while but also became super vigilant and spent years with unavailable men (emotionally or otherwise). After being hurt badly again by a man I gave up completely and worked hard to become independant and realised that I didnt need anyone, I could do it alone. this was very freeing and I thought I had worked through all my demons. But I guess not! I dont have a great deal of friends, and family not close. So there is no one to really bounce this off, but I know that not talking about it just causes me to obsess about it. Thank you so much for responding
Patrice Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Take is slow ... I think those of us who have been through this, are afraid to trust ourselves and others. So you waffle between periods of solitude and trying a relationship again. This round, I think the guy was emotionally unavailable .. I think I was ready to become more involved - I think he has his own issues - wife cheated on him and they are divorced. Maybe after a period of time, and a consistent pattern of establishing trust, you will start to relax.
Author Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 I am lucky to have found a guy I can be myself with and who is trying very hard to understand all my stuff. The thing is that I was positive I had worked through all of this, and yet yesterday I became upset when talking about my childhood abuse. Each time we spend time together and he listens without judgement and with compassion I feel less terrified and more relaxed. I just hope I can keep positive and not sabotage something that could be good (which is my pattern, either dating unavailabe me or sabotaging - finding fault etc etc)
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 You will be fine, you just have to learn to trust again. I know what you mean about sabotaging, I had to think long and hard about breaking it off this week. I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the one with the issue here, but it still took me over two weeks to actually tell him what was on my mind. I feel confident that I made the right decision in this case. If YOUR needs are being met, and he is interested in you and how YOU feel, that's a good indicator of a postive relationship.
Author Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Very different from anything I have had before. I just hope my issues dont become too much to overcome, for either of us. I get how hard it is to break things off, in the past thats been very hard because of the whole - if I end this will I not get another chance - In the end I let it all go and decided not to look for another chance. I only agreed to meet this one because he seemed to be safe and everything I didnt want so there was nothing to be worried about. Ha ha that didnt work. He has met every one of my sabotages with patience and caring, never waiverd but never pushed, each time I threw something at him or tried to back out he talked me through it and in the end time and time again I just kept finding reasons to stay.....
Kamille Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I grew up with constant and somewhat random criticism (meaning, there was never any way to predict what would trigger my parent's impatience with me). I used to be okay in relationships where the men would criticize me. My ex ex and ex ex ex were somewhat controlling. (i have to say, I also, as a result, used to accept power struggles in relationships). Then I dated my ex, who is one of the most gentle, caring, easy-going person I have ever met. (We broke up mostly because of distance). At first, I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I was looking for the "limits", the things I would do that would trigger a reaction in him. Then I realized that I was merely looking for what I was used to. This relationship has transformed me. I hope it will also transform how I respond to 'controlling' men in the future. I hope your relationship does the same thing for you. I don't have much advice other than to say: at least you realize that your reaction is the result of your upbringing. You seem to understand that there is a whole other way to experience a relationship. So, take the road less travelled (by you), and enjoy the scenery.
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 That's why I ended it this week ... I never see the guy, I travelled to the West Coast for a week to see my kids. He has a son and when the child is with him, he won't call me. Texting and FB chatting .. I took a red-eye back and was tired. He chatted with me on FB and asked if I wanted to come and stay over, as his son was having an overnight. I had not seen him in 3 weeks ... felt like a booty call. Then I got thinking, I never see him, he lives over an hour away. I told him that this cyber relationship was too juvenile for me. Nothing for two days. Then I texted him on Monday and he called me back. I just feel like I'm spending all my time waiting for a weekend when he doesn't have the kid ... it's either let me into your life fully, or let me go. I'm tired of sitting around on Friday and Saturday night and not being with a man who enjoys my company and wants to be in my life.
Author Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 Thank you Kamille for so elloquently putting what I was feeling into words. We both realise that my reactions are based on past relationships and abuse. His reactions to me are very healing, for example today we bought some coffees for the family as it was my daughters birthday. He asked me if I knew which coffee was which as they werent marked, and asked if I had got sugar in any of them, my reaction was to get defensive and irritably remark that I had sugar at home and was easier to do it at home! His very calm response was "You are feisty today". I immediately realised that he wasnt criticizing me and it was my defenses that had made me get my back up. Having him call me on it in a non confrontational way helped me to see that it was my problem and not his.
Author Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 I have done the internet long distant thing and it can be very hard, you know in yourself when its not working. You are so strong and deserve more than that.
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Yes, it's not working .. I went back and was questioning already a month ago. He is still on facebook, after Monday night I called an old friend (male) who had wanted me to see him when I was on the West Coast. Out of consideration, for the man I broke up with, I did not. The old friend posted something on my FB wall after I went to bed ... "I love talking to you by the hour and can't wait until we can get together xoxo" ... I'm sure the ex-boyfriend saw it. Thinking about taking him off now.
Author Gaye Posted April 22, 2012 Author Posted April 22, 2012 FB although is a great resourse and I love it, one has to be extremely careful what goes on there
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Probably time to remove him ... I don't really want to see his goings on either. He is friends with my two sons on FB - he friended them. I seriously just don't understand the guy. I don't think he wants the same thing I'm looking for.
M2155 Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I've dealt with abuse and a ton of other things growing up and as much as I like to say I have dealt with them well I am sure somehow they subconsciously make their way into my relationship. I have been very lucky because I gravitate for the most part to good men (may not always be right for me but good people), but I have started to pay attention to my insecurities, and for me thats what it is. I am afraid to completely let go or give in because deep down I am afraid or I don't trust, that this can/will be as well as it seems. What am I going to do to mess this up? Maybe I don't do that, but that's how it feels sometimes looking back. It makes it harder to take the RISK of being fully open and vulnerable to the person. I am very happy you have someone that is understanding and hope you find a way to progress in a way that is comfortable. Good luck
Kamille Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 He asked me if I knew which coffee was which as they werent marked, and asked if I had got sugar in any of them, my reaction was to get defensive and irritably remark that I had sugar at home and was easier to do it at home! I know what you mean. I also used to get defensive easily with my partners. I was always looking for the barb criticism, or trying to prevent being criticized. I can tell you this: being free of this "defense mechanism" is really liberating. I'm glad you have a man who can help you through this .
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I have the same thing going on ... I've learned to disengage and process before responding. That seems to help, or bounce the situation off trusted friends and have them reassess the situation for me .. I think it's fear of opening up and being criticized or hurt. Trying to unlearn this is a challenge.
FitChick Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 I used to sabotage all my relationships because I believed I wasn't good enough, wasn't lovable, didn't deserve love, wasn't worth loving, something's wrong with me, etc. My relationships were a logical outcome of those beliefs which I created thanks to my lovely childhood. Years of conventional and unconventional therapy costing thousands of dollars helped me understand WHY I acted and thought the way I did but I still kept repeating destructive patterns which made me feel worse because I should have known better. Until (drumroll please) I discovered the Lefkoe Method and in a short period of time I eliminated those beliefs and became a new person. It costs about the same as conventional therapy that doesn't work. Most people who find the Method have tried everything else and are at their wit's end. A lot of therapists, life coaches and personal growth experts who charge their clients lots of money take the Method to solve their own problems. Watch the Professional Endorsements and Success Stories videos.
Patrice Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 Thanks for sharing. I've wrapped it up with the therapy .. I know that I have issues with this and will continue to work on them. I just don't think I need a therapist to do it. I've had to disengage from my father ... who after my divorce 3 YEARS ago .. kept at it with the criticism. I started dating somebody from my teen years and he didn't like the guy, and actually told me I make stupid decisions. I'm a grown woman, he is the one with the issues, I just can't be around him. My mother is like another June Cleaver .. I've lost a ton of respect for her too.
Author Gaye Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 I too have wrapped up with therapy, did many years and healed enough to recover from extreme depression. Even after all the years of therapy I still am discovering things, and I have recently realised that deep down I do not believe I am lovable. Neither of my parents could love me then or now. My father has slow dementia from brain tumors and so is not the same man I grew up with and my mother constantly puts me down still. My children are my life even though they are grown up, and no matter what I love them unconditionally. So what does it make me that my parents dont love me at all...... if the people that are supposed to be biased about me cannot find enough good in me to love how on earth is a stranger supposed to find it. I know its irrational - intellectually anyway but my emotions dont seem to listen very well. I am again back to trying to find a way out of this relationship, it would be much easier to not have to deal with all this stuff and I was quite content being single. If I pull out now before he realises just how damaged I really am that my save some hurt all around. Who knows.
Kamille Posted April 23, 2012 Posted April 23, 2012 If I pull out now before he realises just how damaged I really am that my save some hurt all around. Who knows. Does he not already know you had a tough upbringing and sometimes it gets the best of you?
Author Gaye Posted April 23, 2012 Author Posted April 23, 2012 Yes you are right Patrice, and I am just jumping on the self pity train again - time to get off. If I allow myself to get immersed into the past I will again become a victim and I am no longer a victim. I have been free of abuse for 7 years now and its time to find a way of allowing someone to be nice to me without freaking out.
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