Richard_B Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 HI! I'm a guy, 40 years old which looks 32. Leaving the modesty aside, I'm fairly good looking, fit, well dressed, etc. Sumarizing, I'm very concious about my looks. I'm also very confident on how to deal with the oposite sex, I can handle very well a smart conversation, teasing, make jokes, etc. It's no secret for me how to make a girl like me and want me around. Once Im talking to them, its almost a won game... I have one single problem that bothers me a LOT! I can ONLY approach a girl which signaled me that she wanted to be approached! I keep hovering certain places on a bar or nightclub, trying to make eye contact with girls, and paying attention on which ones are interested on me, waiting for a smile, or else. So I keep this flirting game for a while and only after I have this green signal, I move on to the approach. I'm also aware that some girls just don't flirt. And sometimes a particular girl catches my interest, she's not flirting with me, but I really wanted to approach her. But it's just like I'm glued on the floor! All because she did not show interest so far. When I'm really lucky, I manage to have a conversation with them (common friends, or proximity, like a waiting line) without showing much interest, just plain talk, and once I'm with them, I can turn things to my side, which is good. But sometimes, I don't have this opportunity, and keep fighting with myself, inside my mind, to go talk to her, but I just can't! Many times I beat myself when I see a fairly average looking guy going towards her and she (it's not a particular girl, just any girl...) is very responsive, nice and polite (In my mind, I say to myself: "see? why didn't you go talk to her before him? Dumbass!"). Even after a few drinks I can not overcome this shyness... Have you seen this type of behaviour? How to overcome it? THanks!
USMCHokie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Have you seen this type of behaviour? How to overcome it? Online dating. Your good looks will serve you well in creating the initial attraction that will either get women to message you first or increase the probability that they will respond to your message. Once initial rapport is built, you can then transition to your smart conversation to increase their attraction towards you. When you finally meet, there's no shyness to overcome. Easy day.
Author Richard_B Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Thanks for your reply! I appreciate your effort on replying, but I'm not looking for different ways on how to meet women. What I want is to overcome this stupid shyness, that freezes me up when I want to talk to some woman, which doesn't seem interested on me. R.
USMCHokie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 What I want is to overcome this stupid shyness, that freezes me up when I want to talk to some woman, which doesn't seem interested on me. It's all about expectation management. Do you freeze up when you say hello to the 60 year old male cashier at Walmart? How about any family members? My guess is that you don't... The problem here is that you "freeze up" when you see a woman that you might be interested in and create an expectation in your head that she should also be interested in you. Without clear signs (i.e., flirting from her) that your expectations will be met, you refuse to go into battle. My recommendation is to rid yourself of expectations in social situations and environments. Talk to women as if you have absolutely no intention or desire to get a number or more. You'll be amazed at how comfortable you'll feel...
Author Richard_B Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 thats a good advice, thanks! But the cold approach, those few steps towards her, are just so hard! Many times I made a turn on the last steps, like 3 feet away, lol! Its kinda silly a grown and experienced man like me, being so insecure about women... When I tell this to friends, they just can't believe I suffer from this...
USMCHokie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 But the cold approach, those few steps towards her, are just so hard! Many times I made a turn on the last steps, like 3 feet away, lol! Here's something that I learned recently from my roommate, and it's a fantastic attitude, not just for attracting women, but just life in general... Live and enjoy your life in a way that will draw women to cold approach you... Fun people (both men and women) are drawn to naturally fun people, and if you are always having a great time while you're out, whether you're by yourself or with friends, women will have no choice but to be curious and want to be part of that fun.
yongyong Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I feel like I have a right to say this. My friend tells me I am a great opener but I suck at banging them So if you are having a problem for opening, I guess you just need to figure out how to push yourself? I've been going out for a while. But it took me a very short period of time to change my mindset. It was literally like a flip switch. I couldn't believe how simple it was. I wish I knew it earlier. So basically look at yourself as a product. You are a sales man. You would have to approach them without waiting for those green signals. You simply hand out the flyer and explain about the product. If they are not interested, you simply thank for their time and leave. How stupid is that if a sales man approached you, you declined his offer and he gets upset or mad? So if you get rejected by a girl you like, you did a good thing as a man and you should give yourself high five. The thing is there are people out there who will like your product or who has been even waiting for it. You are not harassing them. You are actually helping them. This girl has been lonely for a while. If you are her type, you helped her by approaching her! She doesn't have to stay lonely and doesn't have to settle with a guy who's not her ideal type Trust me, a lot of girls don't make eye contacts with guys. I think, it's because a lot of them are staring at them. (guys with a beer by the corner) You might say this girl seems like she is either in a bad mood or not into you at all. If you approach her Right, she will throw a smile on her face like a christmas light. I am not throwing any theory. I've seen it myself by doing it. this girl was walking by me with a poker face without even looking at me. I just grabbed her and said 'who are you? ' we briefly exchanged our names. she told me I was a charming boy and she was leaving the bar soon. she told me 'please take my number' I had many girls changing from regular mood to excited mood after I approached them. I think your opening technique will get better as you approach more and more. To do that, you must approach. I am sure you have a fear of rejection. (hurting your ego, public humiliation) You are not going to make a sale every time you talk to your customer. You have to just Look At It Differently. 'Hm..I totally deserve a girl like that. If she doesn't want to get to know me, it's her loss. I am moving on to the next girl. There are plenty of fish'
Oxy Moronovich Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 The way I overcame my fear of approaching is asking random women. If I was out in public (like in a mall), I'd look for a woman who was approachable. If she seemed angry, sad, or absorbed in a book or her phone, I couldn't approach. If she appeared to be daydreaming, smiling, or easygoing, I'd approach. Then I'd go up to them and say, "Hi, my name is Oxy. I know this is a weird thing to ask, but I'm a shy guy. Can you give me pointers on how to flirt with women?" Alotta times women would look surprised and say something like, "Um...okay. What kinda tips do you need?" And I would ask them about body language, what to say, when to approach, etc. Few times I got a number. But the more women I approached with this routine, the more I became comfortable approaching women. Hope this helps.
Author Richard_B Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Thanks for your responses! I will try these suggestions and see how it turns out! R.
aeh Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Ok, I have to share this. I have been married now for a long time but even before I was married I did this and still to this day. Even though I am very very friendly and outgoing, when I see a man that I find handsome or "hot", I still freeze. This happened to me just last night at the gym. A couple of different guys (they were each alone) who I would definitely consider good-looking, were checking me out. I might look at them but I cannot bring myself to smile. In fact, it might be easier to smile if I did NOT find them attractive. I do give a blank stare, I think! This happens to me all the time. There are even some guys who I see repeatedly who always check me out and I might still look their way or notice them but I do not give a friendly expression at all as it might betray that I find them attractive. As I said, I'm married so it doesn't matter at all as I'm not looking to meet anyone but thought this might be of help to someone.
Author Richard_B Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 This is a valuable information... So the fact of some girl is not flirting or smiling, maybe is because she is interested, but is trying to hide this interest from the staring guy... Women is very hard to read, huh... Everyone is different. Thanks!!
NeverDated Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 This is a valuable information... So the fact of some girl is not flirting or smiling, maybe is because she is interested, but is trying to hide this interest from the staring guy... Staring guys in bars made me very nervous when I was newly single. I had a very hard time being approached or allowing someone to strike up a conversation. OLD was a good way to get over it. I did sales for a long time, so it was like training to sell a new product. So I completely second the suggestion to consider yourself a salesman. The first few times, I just dragged on the internet conversation. Then I started pushing quickly for numbers. Eventually, I got to the point that after a few intro messages I would ask flat out if they wanted to meet or just stay penpals. That was when I became oddly aggressive and felt comfortable talking to the random staring man. It's always a +1 if the guy notices you glancing his way and he just goes in for the kill. Even if she's not initially interested, that kind of forward behavior shows a take-charge attitude that's kind of hot.
manup Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 HI! I'm a guy, 40 years old which looks 32. Leaving the modesty aside, I'm fairly good looking, fit, well dressed, etc. Sumarizing, I'm very concious about my looks. I'm also very confident on how to deal with the oposite sex, I can handle very well a smart conversation, teasing, make jokes, etc. It's no secret for me how to make a girl like me and want me around. Once Im talking to them, its almost a won game... I have one single problem that bothers me a LOT! I can ONLY approach a girl which signaled me that she wanted to be approached! I keep hovering certain places on a bar or nightclub, trying to make eye contact with girls, and paying attention on which ones are interested on me, waiting for a smile, or else. So I keep this flirting game for a while and only after I have this green signal, I move on to the approach. I'm also aware that some girls just don't flirt. And sometimes a particular girl catches my interest, she's not flirting with me, but I really wanted to approach her. But it's just like I'm glued on the floor! All because she did not show interest so far. When I'm really lucky, I manage to have a conversation with them (common friends, or proximity, like a waiting line) without showing much interest, just plain talk, and once I'm with them, I can turn things to my side, which is good. But sometimes, I don't have this opportunity, and keep fighting with myself, inside my mind, to go talk to her, but I just can't! Many times I beat myself when I see a fairly average looking guy going towards her and she (it's not a particular girl, just any girl...) is very responsive, nice and polite (In my mind, I say to myself: "see? why didn't you go talk to her before him? Dumbass!"). Even after a few drinks I can not overcome this shyness... Have you seen this type of behaviour? How to overcome it? THanks! Practice, and just go for it.
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