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The Irony Of This Deal.

hungryheart

By hungryheart
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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hungryheart New Member

hungryheart

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Posted (edited)

Before anyone goes off saying it was stupid to fall in love online I already know this, he was a working partner it happened over a 4 year period and many many conversations.

 

To me seemed more real since I could not say it was for the usual attraction, or false future faking as what I had gotten in life, which lead me up to being a hermit afraid to leave the house and find out what more people can do.

 

Okay so I drew him nearer and nearer to me but thinking he was this poor single guy living in another country other than his own... never made sexual remarks back to me, never tried to lead me on outright, but he gave just enough for me to think "Maybe" and from his stories it made sense to want income before settling down. that's logical, but turns out was a lie.

 

 

Then ONLY when she is going to leave him does the truth come out that he was all the time with someone, and my heart was so broken, then to hear him talk about his poor breaking heart, and now reading self help books to win her love over again, and taking maybe years to work it out after finding out she was having a sexual affair for over a year.

 

He was with her 5 years, I was celibate 5 years and at least 2 of those in love with him masturbating and he knew it!

 

Then she cheats and she is worthy of LOVE.

 

My head is spinning confusion and the IRONY eats at me why I am so un-apriciated like this I was his freind for 4 years, never had to read any book to get me, yet he choses to LOVE someone he cant understand over me????

 

He mentioned if not to work with her - he would like to move here in the USA and get to know me, BUT now I hate him for seeing me as an option, and hurting me so deeply with his talk about his LOVE for her - I do not see to be able to heal from this completely right now - I do not want him anymore, And I thought.. and I mean really though he was the ONE and never had those thoughts until him.

 

And did all the right things this time - was not for sex, was not for future faking, or flattery was all for freindship for me.

 

But now to find that for him - I was what? A shoulder to cry on, someone NOT important enough to even be honest with when he knew I was growing feelings for him??

 

I am devastated and embarrassed - I cannot talk to my mom or anyone really to say how deeply I am really in pain.

 

He chose someone who screwed for around for over a year - instead of someone that was chaste and wanted so bad the RIGHT things, and already was accepting him for his personality... at least what I thought was his personality, taking all of that wasn't just a lie too.

 

I hate him for making that choice, I feel my time was taken advantage of with a LIE, had I known I would not have let my mind go into that love arena in the first place.

 

Now I need NO contact is it's so hard to do that after 4 years of daily conversation, but I know I need to - because all I want is to now HATE him and could not in no way contain it as I was never able to contain my feelings with him, another reason I took it to be true love.. I was always 100% my true self with him... He told me he told me things he never told anyone too even his own family.. and yet the jack @ss thinks she is the TRUE love??

 

OH GOD I HATE THIS!!!!!! :(

Edited by hungryheart
Tasion Member

Tasion

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry to hear this. I have no words to help you, they say the pain fades with time but I am not sure it ever really does. :(

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hungryheart New Member

hungryheart

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Posted (edited)

Oh I think it WILL fade, and that I am damn lucky he wasn't here then, I need to just stay the hell away from him God knows he had my sympathies for so long, and he had my desperation, and my longing..

 

But he never had ME the way he took for granted or assumed to be the dumb @ss in waiting.. I was for the single guy maybe.. NOT for this guy so retarted that he choses what he chose..

 

I just need to accept he really IS that stupid and BLIND.. this is the same thing men go through to see women fall for jerks 100% and you know so often I could relate to what men went through becasue of him..

 

I know how men feel sometimes, how deeply they get hurt when they talk about being the good guy finishing last.. That is ME.. and to see someone you love screw themselves.. But you have to learn to let them just GO and do that then!!!

 

On one hand I yes have been hurting.. On the other I have ALWAYS been so TRUE with HIM because I was being TRUE to myself.. getting wounded did NOT change that fact.

 

He's like a kid that goes off and get's drunk and then tattoos up their entire body with stupid graffiti of some rock band that isnt even going to be around in a few years!!

 

He hurt himself, made an ass out of himself more than ME and is just so clueless.. so let him be, I will be damned if I am going to shed a tear for someone so f*cking self destructive ever again!!!!

Edited by hungryheart
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