frozensprouts Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Poor little girl...getting stuck in the middle of something like this... 2
soserious1 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Angela, he "chose" you because he's going to need your to help pay his bills, child support payments are expensive & he's hoping you'll be sucker enough to stick around forking over the dollars for the next 18 years or so. He wanted kids alright, he just didn't want them with YOU, think about that every month as you write out the checks.. God, girl dump him! 1
Author Angela4141 Posted April 20, 2012 Author Posted April 20, 2012 I read all your responses. thank you for at least being bruttalley honest. I don't know if the child is really his. He says it is and seems sure but could be a trick by OW. I don't understand why its not ok for him to just pay child support and not see the baby. It happens all the time. He said SHE is the one who decided to keep it he wanted her to have an abortion. But now says he wants to have part custody of his daughter. I don't think that is fair to me. I took him back after he lied and cheated and I really need him to prove that he wants to be with me and only me. I read in a email between them (it was a good bye email) that he said even tho he was going home that he said his heart would always belong to her and he just couldn't stop loving her and wanted her to know that. How could he say that knowing he was coming back to work on our marriage????? Since he ben back he never told me his heart was always with me and he won't bad mouth the OW. If I say something mean (but true I'm sure!) about her he gets very angry at me. Why don't I leave? Its not that easy. I have a job but I can't afford to live in our house alone and I don't know what I would do. I truley thought he wanted to work things out and I get so mad and upset at the same time because I don't know how to trust him. he took my life and everything I knew about it and made me question if it was real. And i wanted kids with him when we were younger, not now. I'm to old to go thru all that. I KNOW he never wanted kids so to say he just wanted them with OW is cruel. Do you really think he is still having sex with her? He swears he doesn't see or talk to her. And I don't know when he would have time to. I just hate the feeling of not knowing where he is all the time or thinking if he is lying to me. i never had to worry before, always trusted him. it is so hard to struggle everday with this. I just don't understand- if he EVER loved me how could he do any of this and how could he just throw our marriage away after ONE week of knowing OW?
Lauriebell82 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I read all your responses. thank you for at least being bruttalley honest. I don't know if the child is really his. He says it is and seems sure but could be a trick by OW. I don't understand why its not ok for him to just pay child support and not see the baby. It happens all the time. He said SHE is the one who decided to keep it he wanted her to have an abortion. But now says he wants to have part custody of his daughter. I don't think that is fair to me. I took him back after he lied and cheated and I really need him to prove that he wants to be with me and only me. I read in a email between them (it was a good bye email) that he said even tho he was going home that he said his heart would always belong to her and he just couldn't stop loving her and wanted her to know that. How could he say that knowing he was coming back to work on our marriage????? Since he ben back he never told me his heart was always with me and he won't bad mouth the OW. If I say something mean (but true I'm sure!) about her he gets very angry at me. He is a manipulative liar who plays on your insecurities. He doesn't mean a word he says to you, he just enjoys hurting you. He is a sociopath. Why don't I leave? Its not that easy. I have a job but I can't afford to live in our house alone and I don't know what I would do. I truley thought he wanted to work things out and I get so mad and upset at the same time because I don't know how to trust him. he took my life and everything I knew about it and made me question if it was real. File for divorce, he will have to pay you alimony. I think you are using the finances as an excuse to hold onto him and try to convince yourself that he truly does love you and wants to be with you..which he doesn't. And i wanted kids with him when we were younger, not now. I'm to old to go thru all that. I KNOW he never wanted kids so to say he just wanted them with OW is cruel. Do you really think he is still having sex with her? He swears he doesn't see or talk to her. And I don't know when he would have time to. I just hate the feeling of not knowing where he is all the time or thinking if he is lying to me. i never had to worry before, always trusted him. it is so hard to struggle everday with this. I just don't understand- if he EVER loved me how could he do any of this and how could he just throw our marriage away after ONE week of knowing OW? Yes, he is still having sex with her. The reason he was able to throw your marriage away and get OW pregnant is because he only REALLY loves himself. Most sociopaths do. They show little remorse and just like to manipulate and play with everyone's emotions. I doubt he truly "loves" OW either, he is just using her for his own purposes as well.
96nole Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Angela, I'm sorry, but it's over. This man is a complete jerk. He will continue to abuse you. He doesn't care about you. Whether he means it or not, he told SOMEONE ELSE that his heart is with her. I don't think there is person on this site that doesn't understand your pain. My wife cheated on me twice in the past year. I've already filed for divorce. I'm still in agony over it. I've loved her more that anything. BUT I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT! NEITHER SHOULD YOU! Believe me, if there was a way I could go back in time and somehow fix my marriage, I would. But I can't. Neither can you. Think about how you feel right now. It will be like this everyday for the rest of your life with him. It's time to find some support. Either friends, family, or local support groups. See a counselor for yourself. They will help you understand your feelings and why your husband is the way he is. (it helped me to understand some of why my soon to be ex is acting the way she is) You'll start feeling better about yourself. See a lawyer. Start making plans to get this piece of trash out of your life. Or spend the rest of your life being abused by someone who gets pleasure out of beating you down. And he is getting pleasure from it. He feels powerful that he can make you feel bad. Don't give him that power. You need it more than he does right now. Angela, your life is screaming for help because that jerk is trying to destroy it. Give it the help it needs. It will thank you.
whichwayisup Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I read in a email between them (it was a good bye email) that he said even tho he was going home that he said his heart would always belong to her and he just couldn't stop loving her and wanted her to know that. How could he say that knowing he was coming back to work on our marriage????? Tell him to pack a bag and go to her. And to expect divorce papers soon. Their A is far from over, especially if this baby is his and he wants to be a part of the childs life. You didn't ask for this and you don't have to be a part of this is if you don't want to be. Sorry that he did this you. What a schmuck. 2
bentnotbroken Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Angela, you are allowing this man to emotionally and mentally abuse you. He has already put your life at risk, is there something you are gaining from this relationship? His actions are clear, your response should be. Figure it out before you completely lose yourself. 2
findingnemo Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Angela, what you're going through is unfair but it isn't uncommon. Have you watched the First Wives Club? Your H wants to leave you but doesn't want to be the one to "end" the M. Maybe he wants you to move out first so that he can keep the house. I don't know. What I know is that you are entitled to spousal support that will enable you to maintain your home as it is. So throw him out. Tell him to go live with his OW, but first have a plan. Get a lawyer and find out what you can get and have him help you plan. Even if you don't feel like doing this to him, you have to. Your H thinks he is in control and knows you very well. He knows you will not force him out. He knows that you need him, he thinks that he is 100 times cleverer than you are. He is thinking that either way, whatever happens he will be okay. He will have his OW and child and you will stay meaning his income and assets are safe. He knows you don't have the strength to fight him. At some point in your 19 year M, he decided that you are no longer his best friend, his companion...you're just an inconvenience. He can live with it and do exactly what he wants to do because he believes you will do nothing. This is why he is still there with you. I'm sorry if it hurts you to hear this but it's the truth. Or it's close to the truth. It could be worse. It's up to you now to prove that things aren't quite what he thinks. You are not the first, nor will you be the last. Your situation is not unique. You just have to decide how this will all end. Will you win or will you lose? 1
SandieBeach Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I agree with everyone here that your husband is a very manipulative man, and I am sorry to say, he does not seem to have respect for you. I know you still obviously care about him, but a lot of it is just because you are still in shock and can't imagine your life without him. He really took so much away from you. Not only did he betray you with his involvement with this woman, but he also is having a child with her, which is something he refused to do with you. It's so heartbreaking and despicable, and I am so, so, sorry you are going through this. My advice is to start seeing a professional to talk to so that you can sort out your feelings and begin to move on. Your husband MUST see that you are no doormat and that you have self-respect. However you choose to show him that, you must do so. Other people can't respect us if we don't have self-respect. Having said all of the above, there is something else that, in my opinion, you you aren't seemingly thinking about. His new daughter is here to stay. She is here to stay, and this baby had absolutely NOTHING to do with her parents' a**hole behavior. First and foremost, if you live in the States, he will have to be paying for this girl until she is 18 (I think you already know that though). Second of all, no one has a right to deprive this girl of her father, and not even you (I'm sorry it sounds cruel). You got pretty much screwed in this process, and the way I see it, your real chance is to move on. If you, for some reason, decide to stay with your husband, you can't ask him to give up on his daughter. When I found out that my H cheated, my biggest fear (other than her having an STD), was that he could have gotten her pregnant (I have good reasons why that was a fear for me). I brought this up so many times that my H started to freak out because he didn't want family with this woman. My point here is: after several weeks it took for my shock of affair to subside, I knew that if she indeed did have a baby with my H, I would either have to divorce him, or accept this as my new reality. I am 99.9999999999999% sure that I would divorce him though, but I would NEVER ask him to give up on his baby. Sorry if this is not something you wanted to hear.
stillafool Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 I don't understand why its not ok for him to just pay child support and not see the baby. It happens all the time. Maybe he didn't want kids at one time, but when he got a look at her little face (his own flesh and blood) he probably fell in love with her. This happens a lot also. Would you really want a man who could leave his child? This baby is now the #1 person in his life. He is tied to her by blood for the rest of his life. He said SHE is the one who decided to keep it he wanted her to have an abortion. But now says he wants to have part custody of his daughter. I don't think that is fair to me. I agree that it isn't fair to you but again this is his child. The baby needs him, you don't. I took him back after he lied and cheated and I really need him to prove that he wants to be with me and only me. I read in a email between them (it was a good bye email) that he said even tho he was going home that he said his heart would always belong to her and he just couldn't stop loving her and wanted her to know that. How could he say that knowing he was coming back to work on our marriage????? He is with you out of obligation and familiarity. Maybe it is also a financial thing but I think he was telling the OW the truth about his feelings. I think he will eventually end up with OW because the baby will bring them closer. I wouldn't be surprised if she ends up getting pregnant by him again. Since he ben back he never told me his heart was always with me and he won't bad mouth the OW. If I say something mean (but true I'm sure!) about her he gets very angry at me. That tells you where is loyalty is, doesn't it? Why don't I leave? Its not that easy. I have a job but I can't afford to live in our house alone and I don't know what I would do. I truley thought he wanted to work things out and I get so mad and upset at the same time because I don't know how to trust him. he took my life and everything I knew about it and made me question if it was real. You don't have to live in your house, you can get an apartment. Anyway would you really want to stay there with all the memories of him and him not coming back? It would be better to start fresh. Do you really think he is still having sex with her? Yes I do. 1
Furious Posted April 22, 2012 Posted April 22, 2012 You been excellent advice here. Now it is up to you to stop taking the **** from this horrible man. Be strong, get legal advice, protect your finances, and kick his ass out the door. Wipe those tears and get mad! Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living in an emotional hell. 2
Recommended Posts