Angela4141 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I have ben reading here awhile and now brave enough to post. My husband was my high school sweetheart. We ben married 19 years . He had an affair that started over a year ago. I caught him after only 3 months. OW was ten years younger then him. When I caught him he didn't care- he said all kinds of horrible things to me- told me he loved OW and wanted to be with her. He moved out and I fell apart. I guess he came to his sense and he came back after two months. He told me we could work on our marriage. But he never acted like he wanted to work on things- he slept on the couch and got angry with me alot. I found out five months later that OW was pregnant and that she got pregnant right after he came home so he was STILL cheating on me! He said he knew it was over between us because of this but I wanted to work things out. I did not want him to be with OW. See, I knew he would hate her now because he never wanted kids. He can't stand them. I tried to talk him into having kids for years and he was sure about not having any. He told me he wanted her to have a abortion.. I called her and told her off and she told me that my husband told her to stop taking birth control because he was unable to have children so there was nothing to worry about. I told her she got pregnant on purpose and she denied this. He says they never used condoms not even once either. I told him that I would stay and try to work things out. OW decided to keep it. I am so embarrased because everyone will know that he cheated on me. I thought he really came home to work things out. I told him he had to choose between me and the kid. said he could pay child support but not see his child. He agreed so I stayed. Also said he can have no contact with OW. He said he doesn't have any contact. I keep thinking about what they did. A few months ago I found a receipt for car repairs that were not for our cars. He had OW's car fixed. I asked him why would he do this when he has no contact and he said it was just one time and she didn't have the money and he heard thru a friend that she needed help. he said he didn't even see her, that her brother took her and he paid her brother. then about a month ago I found out he bought her a tv. I wasn't supposed to find out. He said she needed a new one because she's pregnant and can't do much. he is supposed to have NO contact with her and he claims he doesn't see her but why is he doing these things for her?? why is he spending money on OW when we agreed no contact?? He sees how much this hurts me and how angry I get. Then I found out that OW had the baby and my husband has a daughter. He told me that I will have to acept his daughter and if I make him choose he will not choose me. He said its unfair that I make a choice between a child and me. that he thinks we can work things out AND he can see his daughter. I don't want him to ever speak to OW again. I can't stand the thought of her being in his life for 18 years. She caused me so much pain! I hacked his email and found all of their emails from when they met. My husband slept with OW only 2 weeks after starting to talk to her. THat is all our marriage ment to him! he didn't even think twice. And in every email he calls her beautiful and is all I love you so much I miss you your my world I've never been this happy. He had little pet names for her. I am in shock. I thought I knew my husband but I don't feel like i knew him at all. I thought he only had a certain level of love to give me. He was never very affectionate or into giving complements to me. But I didn't mind because Iknew he loved me and that was just the way he is. But it turns out that he gave OW 110% just went crazy over her and he did all this stuff he never did with me. I don't understand it. I read those emails over and over and I am sick. He never shared that side of him with me. And now last I am worried he is seeing his daughter behind my back. I don't want him to see her. I can't be around her because it will just remind me what he did. and I wanted a baby with him and had to give that up so why would he want a child with OW when he never wanted one with me? I had a scare about five years ago and he flipped out and was upset and worried and kept telling me he didn't want a kid. So if he loves his daughter is it because she's OWs? That makes me sick too. I have told him how much I love him and I know I should kick his ass out but he's the only family I have and he keeps saying things will get better. Do you think he is still seeing OW? why would he pay for things for her? Is it just because she was pregnant like he says? he says he didn't tell me because I would get upset. I want him to not have contact with OW or his daughter to prove that he chooses me, I know that is terrible but I need him to show me that he is serious about working things out. I just don't know how to trust him. How do you trust again?? do you think he will want to be in his daughter's life?
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Sweetie, I would shove him out the door and say goodbye to him. Talk to a lawyer and get divorced. He has no real remorse..he wants you and the OW still.. you deserve better and right now he's not shown you much love or respect. He's lying to you and being a jerk. This isn't the man you fell in love with years ago. This isn't husband. This is a selfish man who broke your heart after 19 years of marriage. He lied and deceived you, said awful things. He's now a father. If you choose to stay, are you ready to be step mom to this baby? Seek some counselling to help you through this too.
D-Lish Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I agree with WWIU, This guy doesn't sound like a guy worthy of holding onto. He's cheated, lied repeatedly, continues to cheat and decieve... Maybe it's time to let him go in order to free yourself. 2
Author Angela4141 Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid everyone would say that I should leave. Part of me wants to but he's all I know. He DID come back. He chose me over the OW and he says he doesn't want to be with her. Could he just ben nice to her because she was pregnant? He says he doesn't have any contact with her but I worry every day
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid everyone would say that I should leave. Part of me wants to but he's all I know. He DID come back. He chose me over the OW and he says he doesn't want to be with her. Could he just ben nice to her because she was pregnant? He says he doesn't have any contact with her but I worry every day Time will tell. He hasn't proven himself to you. Not one bit. Just because he came back home doesn't mean he isn't still up to no good. Does he seem remorseful? Is he asking for a paternity test? Has he said he'll go to marriage counselling with you? Work on himself? If he isn't 100 percent willing to fix this, then there's no point in staying. If this child is his, are you ready to be a step mom? Can you accept that if this child is his, the OW will be in your lives forever? Is your marriage strong enough?
SoleMate Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It's not up to us to tell you to go or stay. Please just be aware that you do have choices and you are the one who lives with them. My condolences on your H's lies and faithlessness. :-(
findingnemo Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 You can't stop him from seeing his child. You can't stop him from loving his child. You can't make him love you even if he did come back. So now you have to choose. Obviously your husband has no problem having kids. Do you want a child? Do you want his child because you're his W and have been M 19 years? Time to start thinking about what's best for YOU. If I were you and badly wanted a child, I'd get pregnant and to hell with whatever he says. If he walks, too bad. If he doesn't, I'd probably kick him out anyway. Whatever the case, I'd have my child. But that's just me... What do you want from this M? For your H to love you? That's a tall order right now. He must be gaining something by staying with you. What is it? Maybe he wants you to initiate D. Maybe he has decided to do whatever he wants until you decide enough is enough. Who knows? I wouldn't even try to figure out why right now. This situation is beyond that. I would just think about what I want. A D? A child? Real love? What?
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Staying with a man like that should cause you embarrassment - that you would stay! Leave him! You deserve better than that!!! Want more for yourself. You won't get decency from him - he's not capable of it. Get tested for std's - and get spousal support!
KathyM Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He's not worth keeping. He has feelings for this OW and now ties to her for life through this child. Do yourself a favor and let him go. Spending your life trying to police this guy is too emotionally draining. He violated your marriage and betrayed you--now he can live with his poor choices.
PhoenixRise Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid everyone would say that I should leave. Part of me wants to but he's all I know. He DID come back. He chose me over the OW and he says he doesn't want to be with her. Could he just ben nice to her because she was pregnant? He says he doesn't have any contact with her but I worry every day Then you need to learn to know something different. Not saying you must leave your husband. That is a decision only you can make. But you should know that as long as you show him that you are willing to stay there and put up with his awful behavior....that is exactly how long you will be putting up with his awful behavior. You can cry, you can argue, you can yell, and it changes nothing. It is a minor inconceivable that he must deal with to get what he wants, which seems to be, you home as the wife and the OW as part of his life as well. Your husband came home but he should never have been allowed to JUST come home. It seems like instead of him working like hell to show you that you should give him another chance, YOU were just waiting there with open arms for him to decide to come back to you. Did you require ANYTHING of him before he was allowed to move back into the home? Wake up Angela. This is your life and it is the only one you get. Get really clear eyed about your marriage and your life. Get really real about what you want from your life and your marriage. AND be realistic about whether or not you can ever get what you want from your husband given his behavior. You are stronger than you think. I wish you the absolute best.
96nole Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It just amazes me how crappy some people can be to each other. How he can be so nasty after 19 years of marriage. Was he always like this? At this point he is not going to change for the better. He has the best of both worlds. A house to go to and a family on the side. He doesn't have to deal with a crying baby in the middle of the night. And he'll still have sex with the OW when he wants. Then to throw a little more to his ego, he can abuse you and you'll take it. This is how your life will continue until you do something about it. It absolutely sucks and it's a hard decision. Believe me, I know. But how long do you keep fighting for something that isn't worth fighting for. 2
frozensprouts Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 OP... your situation really is a difficult one...it's cr@ppy for you and also for the baby...just imagine being born into a situation like that! You need to make a decision about what you want out of your life....do you want to spend it forever tied to this man who has shown such disrespect to you? Someone who has shown such disrespect to an innocent child by bringing them into being in a situation like this? ( i know accidents happen, but this doesn't sound like an "accident")... Do you want to be a step mom to this little girl? I mean no disrespect, but if that is a choice that you make, do you think you will be ale to separate your feelings about the other woman and the affair from this baby? Maybe you can...maybe you'll be a great and loving stepmom and a real source of stability in this child's life...but is that a situation you want to be in? Because the long and the short of it is that it's not fair to this child to expect her to never have a chance to know her father ( lout though he may be), but that is what you are asking to happen in order for your marriage to work for you. I know it's easy for me to sit on the sidelines and say "you should do x,y, and z", but I am not in your situation. If I were, I think that, even though it was horribly painful , I'd make the choice to end my marriage. You sound like you want your own family, and to be in a relationship with someone you love and who loves you back...everyone deserves that. But it doesn't sound like your husband is in a place where he can be that for you... what do you think? d you think it's fair to expect him to never see his child/ Do you think it's fair to the baby to expect her to never get to know her dad? Do you think you can spend the rest of your time in a marriage where your husband is tied to the woman he cheated with because they have a child together? ( to be honest, whether or not the baby is genetically his doesn't really matter...it won't chnace the fact that he cheated, and most likely is continuing to do so, or will again)... I'm so sorry you are in a place where you have to make these kinds of decisions....
jwi71 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Brutal situation to be in. You have two intertwined issues, and each of those issues individually and in confluence have layers to be dealt with. His Cheating and recovery Dealing with OW Her pregnancy. His thoughts and feelings on children. Your thoughts and feelings based on the above. And on and on and on. It's a multileveled mess and, frankly, I have little hope of this M surviving - even in its current woefully unhappy state. The coup de grace is the child. That child is not only a reminder of his lies to you (about parenthood) but a permanent living breathing monument to his infidelity. Unless you both enter MC and IC, D is the only healthy outcome. Hell, D is likely the only healthy outcome even with IC and MC. It's hard as hell to recover a M after an A - its almost impossible when a child results from an A ( doubly do given what he told you about kids and his apparent desire to impregnate the OW. Passive Aggressive in the EXTREME). Spare yourself the time and expense. File for D. 2
Spark1111 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Run from this man who never loved or valued enough to give you a child, but now, through an affair, has one he plans to continue caring for. Not only did he lie during the affair, he lied after the affair, and continues to lie about his involvement with this woman and his daughter. He has not cared enough about you to be honest about any of his actions to date. Leave. Today. And take your chances on finding someone who shows you the smallest whit of respect. He does not care about your feelings at all. Someone out there may, and that is what you need to seek. Good luck to you. 2
TigerCub Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm sorry for what you're going through. The fact is this baby is real and its here, and it will tie him to the OW forever. Even if you forbid him from seeing his baby, he still will because he doesn't care what you want and you're sticking around letting him treat you like crap and get away with it. You say you want him to choose you - but he already told you that he's choosing his baby. You're looking at this all wrong - he shouldn't even be in a position of choosing you - you should be the one choosing, and quite honestly, I think you should be choosing to dump his lying ass. Do you really want to live the rest of your life in fear and wondering where he's at all the time and knowing deep down that he's with his baby and mistress? That's no way to live - you can do so much better for yourself. Divorce him, take him for all he's got - don't sit around trying to overcompensate and hoping that you'll finally be "chosen" - be the one that does the choosing. 1
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 This is what I don't get... I told him he had to choose between me and the kid. Why? You are both in his life whether you like it or not. You have the choice to leave the but child does not - she is his and he has a responsibility towards her. He said its unfair that I make a choice between a child and me. that he thinks we can work things out AND he can see his daughter. I don't want him to ever speak to OW again. Why? It IS unfair that you are forcing him to make a choice between you and the child He created a life and he is responsible for that life, whether you like it or not. You want him to shirk that responsibility as well? I don't want him to see her. Too bad. I can't be around her because it will just remind me what he did. Then divorce him. Do you think he is still seeing OW? It seems obvious that he is. I want him to not have contact with OW or his daughter to prove that he chooses me, I know that is terrible but I need him to show me that he is serious about working things out. Yes, this IS terrible. You can't undo his actions but why make the child suffer for his mistakes? You can't be that thoughtless, can you? do you think he will want to be in his daughter's life? He NEEDS to be. Every child deserves the love of two parents and it is not the child's fault. You could do the honorable thing and help this faultless child by putting aside your hatred and help raise her.
firemanq Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I would insist that the OW give up all parental rights to the love child, insist that your husband's name go on the birth certificate, adopt the child yourself, then when all that has happened, divorce him. Then what happens when every time you look at the child, who reminds you how you have been played? 1
SBC Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I would insist that the OW give up all parental rights to the love child, insist that your husband's name go on the birth certificate, adopt the child yourself, then when all that has happened, divorce him. Are you for real?? This is a woman who wants the father of this child to abandon the mother, and the child in order to "prove" that he loves her. I dont know what country you are in OP, but if you are in the US, then this man has a LEGAL obligation to pay to raise this child until said child is 18. This is no longer an affair, or a matter of the heart. Someone way more precious is involved now. Truthfully, in my opinion, both women should leave this guy, and make him pay for his actions. Instead, it seems that both women are fighting for his "love" It never fails to amaze me how this sort of thing happens. OP, seemingly, you do not have much of a choice in the matter. You can either stay attached to this guy and watch as he repeatedly chooses his OW and child over you, or you can take control of yourself and your life, divorce him and move on. I hope, pray really, that you find the strength (strength that I know you have, even if you don't believe it right now) to MOVE ON! 3
donnamaybe Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid everyone would say that I should leave. Part of me wants to but he's all I know. He DID come back. He chose me over the OW and he says he doesn't want to be with her. Could he just ben nice to her because she was pregnant? He says he doesn't have any contact with her but I worry every day He is choosing both you AND the OW. Just because he is all you know doesn't mean there isn't someone better for you. Someone who will truly love and cherish you. You could have that you know. You really could. 2
bentnotbroken Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I am sorry you are here. I do understand the thought of being without the man I thought I knew for the majority of my life. You are right he is all you know, but when you decide that you deserve to know so much more, you will be able to release and let go. Keep in mind he didn't just have a child with the OW, he didn't use protection. That means he didn't care enough for you to protect from possible life threatening diseases. He didn't care enough to protect you from things you may not have found out about until it was too late. Is your life worth his brand of "love"? If it is, why do you think so little of your value? If it isn't...here is your motivation. 2
irin Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 :(im really sorry but please leave, you deserve better.
SandieBeach Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I would insist that the OW give up all parental rights to the love child, insist that your husband's name go on the birth certificate, adopt the child yourself, then when all that has happened, divorce him. That's just insane. 1
Try Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid everyone would say that I should leave. Part of me wants to but he's all I know. He DID come back. He chose me over the OW and he says he doesn't want to be with her. Could he just ben nice to her because she was pregnant? He says he doesn't have any contact with her but I worry every day No matter how much you wish that it will go away if you ignore it, it will never go away. Since she has his only child, he will have contact with her for the rest of his life no matter what he says now. Also, unless he is complete jerk, the child will become an important part of his life. Furthermore, since she is the one with his child and you are not, you will increasing take on the roll of the other women (not fair but true). If you stay in this marriage, please be honest with yourself about what is going to happen going forward.
UpwardForward Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 (edited) I agree with those who say the child is here and she deserves a father, if he is willing - and with visitation. Your husband brought all of this home to you when he strayed outside of the marriage. It is for you to decide if you wish to weather the storm - or not. In the meantime, if you are not working a job - I would definitely recommend taking strides toward a vocation, or business. If you are with a job - so much the better. It can just give you a feeling of more independence. Edited April 20, 2012 by UpwardForward 2
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