pep1 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 So I've been noticing on previous threads (including one of my own) that there is quite a diverse opinion on weather sex on the first or second date will ruin or not ruin any chance of a relationship. Im not talking about one night stands I feel thats a little different as both people kinda know going in that thats all it is. Im talking about someone you might want to have a serious relationship with in the future. In my opion I dont think it does or should matter. Its more about the moment and a mutual feeling between two people at the time. I recently saw a man for 3 dates and slept with him on the first two. Ive been told that this will affect any chance I have of him taking me seriously. Where as I dont feel like that is the problem at all. I resent as a woman taking the responsibilty of a potential relationship failure just becuase I slept with him when he is equally responsible. I just wanted to see what you all thought? xo
wwwjd Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 ANYONE can have sex at anytime. It takes a lot more of other things to form a REAL connection with someone. Which one do you think is more supportive of having a good relationship?
Feelin Frisky Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I don't think there is a universal rule. It always depends on the individuals. There is nothing that says one is going to get future dates or a relationship so if it appears that sex is in order and will be pleasing, then wtf. I don't advise going to bed with someone you have just had a blind date with but sex may be in order if say, you've known this person in other regards for a while and it's developed that you both have the hots for each other. I personally would not ditch a woman for going all the way under circumstances like that. I've had relations like that and don't regret it. Some persons have personality traits which make them impossible to get along with in a life partnership, but those things don't come out until there stressful times where who they are can't be faked. What are ya gonna do? not take risks for the chance of happiness? Then there is no hope really if one doesn't just seize the moment for what it's worth.
Jane2011 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I think you can have sex early and it not ruin anything if you and the person you're seeing is like-minded. If a guy dumps you for having sex quickly, it's probably just as well, because if you differ on the morality of having sex quickly, you'd probably differ about a lot of other things as well. The last man I dated and liked a lot, I had sex with him on our fourth date (but I actually got naked with him on our 2nd and let him finger me). He still wanted to keep dating, have a relationship, etc. I've also had sex with a guy on our 2nd date and had a relationship with him for five and a half years. That said, I've also had sex quickly with a guy who I do think felt differently about me after. He still liked me as a person (we were actually casual friends/classmates for three years before we dated), but I think he thought I wasn't his kinda girl because we had sex quickly. He told me, "I just can't do that. I can't just have sex with a person before I know them really well." He'd been molested as a child and had ongoing porn addiction for which he had to seek help from SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and had very strict views about sex. My plan for the future is to always have sex when I feel like it. If the man freaks out about it, I can't do anything about it. 2
USMCHokie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 My plan for the future is to always have sex when I feel like it. If the man freaks out about it, I can't do anything about it. In my opion I dont think it does or should matter. Its more about the moment and a mutual feeling between two people at the time. I agree with the above. It'll happen when it happens, if it happens at all, and I won't make any judgments based on it. We're adults, for gawdsakes... 1
Star Gazer Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I am generally of the belief that if you sleep with a guy on the first or second date, it'll probably go nowhere fast. Of course, there are enough couples out there who slept together on the first or second date who lived happily ever. I just don't think it's a good idea, in general. I repeat "in general" because, well... my SO and I technically slept together within about 5 or 6 hours of meeting almost 6 years ago, and within a few hours of reconnecting this second-time-around. So...Ha!
johan Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 When I was in grad school, before the days of the internet, my girlfriend's friend agreed to go on a date with a guy she had recently met. He showed up to pick her up on the date and when she answered the door to go on the date, they somehow ended up having sex before they even her place. Then they went on the date. They ended up getting married. 1
USMCHokie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 When I was in grad school, before the days of the internet, my girlfriend's friend agreed to go on a date with a guy she had recently met. He showed up to pick her up on the date and when she answered the door to go on the date, they somehow ended up having sex before they even her place. Then they went on the date. They ended up getting married. He must have been a reallyhotguy...
KathyM Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I don't think it's a good idea to put physical intimacy ahead of emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is what will lead to a long term relationship, and that takes time to cultivate. If you add the physical intimacy first, it clouds your judgement. Bringing that level of intimacy with a total stranger is not a good plan, and probably leads him to believe you do it with everybody you meet. Not a good impression to give someone you hope to have a long term relationship with.
Leigh 87 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I think you can have sex early and it not ruin anything if you and the person you're seeing is like-minded. If a guy dumps you for having sex quickly, it's probably just as well, because if you differ on the morality of having sex quickly, you'd probably differ about a lot of other things as well. The last man I dated and liked a lot, I had sex with him on our fourth date (but I actually got naked with him on our 2nd and let him finger me). He still wanted to keep dating, have a relationship, etc. I've also had sex with a guy on our 2nd date and had a relationship with him for five and a half years. That said, I've also had sex quickly with a guy who I do think felt differently about me after. He still liked me as a person (we were actually casual friends/classmates for three years before we dated), but I think he thought I wasn't his kinda girl because we had sex quickly. He told me, "I just can't do that. I can't just have sex with a person before I know them really well." He'd been molested as a child and had ongoing porn addiction for which he had to seek help from SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) and had very strict views about sex. My plan for the future is to always have sex when I feel like it. If the man freaks out about it, I can't do anything about it. YES, my rule is ALWAYS have sex WHEN I want it!! whoo hoo:) You know - not open your legs up to men you don't like just because your horny... I love masturbating, so I do not need a guy to do it for me, UNLESS I really like them. I have to really like a guy, to let him touch me sexually. It would make me feel cheap, otherwise. I had sex with my boyfriend after about 4 dats too, and let him touch me on the first and second date. We are together over a year later, and more in love than ever. That said: some people think less of u for having sex too soon, and some people do not. It depends on the person. There are people who just have sex wheenever they want it, and do not care about its affect on any potential relationship. My boyfriend and I just had sex because we felt like it, and did not think about the future. We just did what we felt like doing. We did not need a relationship, if it happened great, if not too bad. 1
Titania22 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He must have been a reallyhotguy... I see what you did there.
yongyong Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Let me tell you a dirty truth. A lot of guys will push as far as they can on a first date. If you end up sleeping with him, in his brain he will think 'this girl probably does that all the time' and lose respect for you. I know it sounds very annoying since you didn't just open your leg. He was the one who initiated and kept pushing by saying 'it's ok, it's ok' Why guys think that way? because as a woman, she will get hit on anywhere. (basically guys offering their dick on a plate) Guys want to know if she can control her sexual desire when they are in a relationship. 1
Andy_K Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Guys want to know if she can control her sexual desire when they are in a relationship. No, if he were just testing her character he would stop when it was apparent she was definitely up for it but before having sex with her. Since he waits till afterwards, he's clearly using it as a power play. It's a revenge **** against all the sex he wishes he could have got more easily in the past, calculated to reject a woman at her most vulnerable (just after sex) in retaliation for all the times he was rejected before sex. It's how a man who feels emasculated by women attempts to reassert his masculinity, and is the mark of an immature man who has not yet grown up.
RiverRunning Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 There are some men who see it as a conquest and see how 'easily' a woman will 'put out.' I've seen guys post on here about it: he'll sleep with her on the first few dates, but he'll never call it again. Others see it as no issue and see it as part of the entire package - "She's great with sex too. All right, I hope this goes somewhere." Personally? I'd never have sex during the initial dates. MAYBE after the first few months.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm one who posted on the other thread about waiting. I am one who ALWAYS gave it up on the first date and - even now, in the long-term relationship I am in - had sex on the third date... For me (and my date), even waiting until the third date was new for us and we still laugh about it. For years and years, I had the belief that it shouldn't matter and I could have sex whenever I wanted. And I did have sex whenever I wanted. And time and time again, I would see very compatible men go away after the first date which I didn't understand why. I finally asked a close male friend and it was he who explained that many men have the dichotomy of wanting sex but when they get it, view the woman in the Virgin/Whore scenario. They want to marry and cherish the sweetness of innocence but want the ravishment of the whore in bed. Those who are intelligent enough to understand that are a rare breed. I think what the OP experienced in her other thread is the flush oxytocin which is strong in females and causes us to bond sooner with those we are having sex with. This happens in men but not as quickly so if we, as women, have sex early in the dating cycle, we are more inclined to want to bond with that man. I don't believe men are biologically predisposed towards that chemical bonding and waiting until they are actually relationship material is important. I know that I am quite a different case as many of you are posting that having sex on the third date is still early. For me, that would have been an eternity and I couldn't conceive of waiting several months... For the OP who doesn't know me, I am almost 48 years old and have been around the block several dozen times.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Why do women get offended if I even say something sexually suggestive like nice dress or nice earrings on a first date? Saying something nice about their dress or earrings is not normally sexually suggestive so I would hazard to guess it is the way you are saying it... I get compliments about my clothes and jewelry all the time without it being sexually suggestive. I can only imagine the fashion in which you are relaying the message is coming across as sexually suggestive in your tone or look - perhaps you are leering at them in a suggestive way and your body language is giving the wrong message, not your words.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I'm not leering at them but I'm odd and awkward I guess. I won't be complimenting a woman again and I'll wait for her to make a move on me. Women get offended at anything and call men creeps. :-( That is a generalization. Becoming so polarized in your thinking and actions will not benefit you in the long run...
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Because I'm odd or creepy for I don't know why I can't risk it. You don't understand. Those who succeed easily don't know what those struggling are going through. Wrong. I have been there so I know both sides. I went through years of it as well as years of therapy to fix it. I am only succeeding now because I was introspective enough to know I needed to change. Emphatically stating you are odd or creepy is a misnomer if you are getting dates; odd and creepy guys don't get dates. It is changing your daily outlook on life and your existence which will change how people react to you. But saying that you are a certain way and that others don't understand is incorrect on both accounts; you can change and many do understand.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Have you been there like I have? Twenty some odd first dates and no second dates over 2 years. That's not good. That's an 0-fer. I've been called odd, weird, and even creepy. Women expect men to read their minds and be skilled enough at sex. 0-fer that too. Read my history; I went on over FORTY first dates in two years. Yes, I have been there probably moreso than you have.
Feelin Frisky Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 When I was in grad school, before the days of the internet, my girlfriend's friend agreed to go on a date with a guy she had recently met. He showed up to pick her up on the date and when she answered the door to go on the date, they somehow ended up having sex before they even her place. Then they went on the date. They ended up getting married. The fact that he still went through with the date spoke volumes about his character I suppose.
BurningDream Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Why is the woman questioned more often than a man for wanting sex? Like what's wrong with that? Why is it a bad thing....the Victorian age needs to go bye-bye, its 2012. I have a high sex drive, waiting makes me loose interest....so if I jump him on the first date, he should take that as a compliment!!! Cuz I think he's really hot!!!
Ruby Slippers Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I've had 4 serious relationships, and 2 of them started with sex on the first date. Incidentally, those were the 2 best relationships of the 4.
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 In my opinion, the easiest way to tell whether its only lust or real chemistry is by having sex immediately. I have had casual sex many times. Most of the times I lost interest in the women after the sex. But out of every five women I had casual sex with, there was always one whom I felt stronger connection after I had sex with her. Its weird stuff. Thats how I realized that when you are meant to be, you are meant to be. Have sex as soon as possible and get that judgment clouding sexual pressure out of the way. If you still like it after you hit it, then its love.
musemaj11 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Why is the woman questioned more often than a man for wanting sex? Like what's wrong with that? Why is it a bad thing....the Victorian age needs to go bye-bye, its 2012. The same reason why men are still expected to be the ones paying on dates even though its 2012. Some traditions die hard.
CarrieT Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 In my opinion, the easiest way to tell whether its only lust or real chemistry is by having sex immediately. I disagree. Lust and chemistry often IS immediate and doesn't mean there is a long-standing relationship in the mix. I have had casual sex many times. Most of the times I lost interest in the women after the sex. But out of every five women I had casual sex with, there was always one whom I felt stronger connection after I had sex with her. See my point? If I was one of those first four women, I might be like the OP who has had sex on a first date and is already bonding while you have already moved on... If we, as women, wait a while than perhaps we can be that one-out-of-five for YOU with whom a bond will be created...
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