The latest (Wht would u do? pt II)

[TrebleClef]

I'm the one who's in love with a minister MM, we dated in college, my parents broke us up, he's the only man I "know", he found me years later, professed all this undying love for me, told me he was divorced, we rekindled; turns out he's not divorced but divorcing.

 

The latest is:

 

I've been trying my best to steer clear, soul search, get my life back on track, not miss the hell out him, etc.

 

We end up at the same event. He approaches, we talk. I miss him and was glad to see him but that tide shifted. Remember he's told me he's moved out, has his own place, legally separated, soooo in love with me and divorcing. He's shown me the separation papers and all that jazz.

 

Long story short, he's moved back in with his family. Since that was blurted out I asked did that mean they have ceased divorced proceedings and are now working things out? He says no way. He says she knows they're not together. He says he reiterates to her that he's with me. (wow lucky me...right?) He emphasizes his love for me and that his living space is completely secluded from everyone. He said his kids like his house so much that they didn't want to leave.

 

He then asks me have I ever heard of "it's cheaper to keep her". He never mentions carrying on with divorce but mentions that the counselor advised the two of them to agree to disagree regarding the children. Although I have no idea what that means, I didn't ask him to elaborate. I listened to him and as my heart plummeted to my feet, words just started coming out of my mouth. I didn't yell, I was calm and spoke in my signature quiet, soft voice.

 

I told him that in his eyes I will never be more than a mistress, a college thing, a F buddy, friend w/benefits or whatever it's called these days. I said I have much more regard for myself. I said "You say you love, love, ohhhhh love me soooo? Well sir, I'd hate to think how you'd treat me if you hated me! You've duped me once, shame on you. You've duped me twice, a third, a fourth and that's a GD shame on me!! You have yourself a nice day sir."

 

I turned and walked away very quickly because I started to cry.

 

I've been crying ever since. An associate told me that he's probably now going "Oh shi* what the ckuf do I do now!?". He said dude is going to come back once he thinks he's got a plan and told me to brace myself, be on guard and to stay strong.

[Meatballsmom]

TC

 

My intuition tells me that you should thank you parents for breaking you up that many years ago, as it is most likely that you would now be in his wife's shoes.

 

The man is rotten to the core. He cheats, he lies, he manipulates and claims to be a man of God?

[Wanderer25]

You did really well. he will come back again. Don't even talk to him. Even if he divorces his wife.

 

Well sir, I'd hate to think how you'd treat me if you hated me!

This is fantastic. Don't look back now

Edited April 18, 2012 by Wanderer25

[96nole]

RUN!!!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!

This guy is a piece of crap. He only wants you for a side dish. You are nothing other than that in his mind. He is trying to manipulate you into being what he wants. But it's not what you want. He will not leave his wife. Stop crying for someone that does not have your best interest in mind. Instead, rejoice in your strength to be able to see him for what he is. Don't contact him again or let him contact you. You deserve better than this predator.

[jnj express]

This guy is a practicing minister???---You wanna be rid of him for good---the next time he tries to make contact---tell him to stay with his family and not bother you, and if he still persists, tell him, you will be forced to go to his superiors, and let them know they have a very 2 faced priest, who preaches one thing, and lives another .

[TrebleClef]

This guy is a practicing minister???---You wanna be rid of him for good---the next time he tries to make contact---tell him to stay with his family and not bother you, and if he still persists, tell him, you will be forced to go to his superiors, and let them know they have a very 2 faced priest, who preaches one thing, and lives another .

 

He dropped that bomb in my lap along with the "I'm not really divorced but I am divorcing" bomb and some more live, heavy grenades!

 

He's Baptist. Contrary to what I'm posting about on this board, I'm Baptist as well. I've never witnessed him standing in the pulpit and speaking and he's never told me "I spoke today" or anything of that nature. When he did reference church it was to tell me something about him and "the brothers" or how the younger couples at church looked to him or at him and his W, see how they seem to have it together and somehow be encouraged to work on their marriages. He said it didn't matter that he and her were fronting, unhappy, out of love and divorcing themselves.

 

He is all about image....trust me.

 

He'd also reference church by telling me that the women at the church would come on to him but he knew their advances are fake and phony.

 

(in my mocking him voice) "That's why I'm so into you and love you so much...your love for me is genuine "trebleclef."

 

VOMIT!!!!

[jnj express]

He seems to be a very good liar, and has no trouble telling, and believing his lies---he probably is a very excellent con artist, also

 

You need to tell his wife, no matter what BS, he actually gives you, about his married life----He lies so don't believe anything----once again next time he approaches you---just stay strong and tell him to get the he*l away from you------also tell him you do have self respect for yourself, which is a word, he has no idea of what it means-----tell him you will not be a party to wrecking his family---after that you go complete NC, no matter what.

[TrebleClef]

He seems to be a very good liar, and has no trouble telling, and believing his lies---he probably is a very excellent con artist, also

 

You need to tell his wife, no matter what BS, he actually gives you, about his married life----He lies so don't believe anything----once again next time he approaches you---just stay strong and tell him to get the he*l away from you------also tell him you do have self respect for yourself, which is a word, he has no idea of what it means-----tell him you will not be a party to wrecking his family---after that you go complete NC, no matter what.

 

 

Do you really think I should tell his wife? Another poster here suggested I contact all his exes (He's been married x3 and has a baby's mother. W3 is the current marriage).

 

I have been going over this in my head for a long time now. We've been caught 3xs at his doing. Like I said in my original post, it's as if he wanted to get caught and (IMO) when he didn't get the reaction from her that he wanted, he tried again to get caught. I have her email due to her emailing me the first time we were caught. I didn't engage her and her emails stopped as quickly as they started.

 

I'm just so very afraid of the repercussions if I do contact her or even the exes. They all communicate due to children visitations. I don't know what would happen to me. I watch too much "Snapped" , "First 48" and "ID" and think that will happen to me. I also want very badly to take this to my grave. I never thought I'd be in this situation. I'd always look down my nose at a woman who'd do what I've done. I'm ashamed, scared, embarrassed and every other emotion attached to a situation like this. And all at the same time still in love with him. Crazy, I know.

 

I kept telling myself, he came back for a reason, he found me because he's realized he should've married me and had ONE marriage.

 

I was duped but once I found out he was not yet divorced I didn't run either so that makes me just as sick as he is. I'm living a double life congruent to his triple life!

[Owl]

You need to tell his wife, and you need to inform his deacons/congregation.

 

This man should NOT be preaching anything to anyone.

 

How is it you've been caught 3x and this situation continues?

 

Bottom line is...inform his deacons or the Southern Baptist Board of what's gone on, and ask them to investigate the situation. He needs to be removed from his position...he's in no standing at this point in time to hold an authority position in any church.

[TrebleClef]

You need to tell his wife, and you need to inform his deacons/congregation.

 

This man should NOT be preaching anything to anyone.

 

How is it you've been caught 3x and this situation continues?

 

Bottom line is...inform his deacons or the Southern Baptist Board of what's gone on, and ask them to investigate the situation. He needs to be removed from his position...he's in no standing at this point in time to hold an authority position in any church.

 

1.After the first time getting caught, I ended it. He came back and I allowed him. During all of this he was legally separated but lied to me about his living arrangements. He told me he was living at his mother's then told me he got an apartment. I saw the apartment so I thought it was true.

 

2.I went on a road trip with him and he went to a house that I later found out was his son's mother's house. I stayed in the car. We get back to town and he tells me that his son called BW and asked why didn't she (thinking I was her) get out of the car and play basketball with them. I'm thinking ok no big deal he thought I was your STBXW right? Wrong! This is when I find out that he's been living in the marital home the whole time he's telling me he's living at his own apartment. I initiated NC.

 

3. He calls me, has me on speaker phone and I hear a child's voice and find out it's his (then) 5 y/o in the car as he talks to me as though noone else is there. I ask him "Really?" He says yes, I have nothing to hide. So I'm stupified again and believe he's living away from the home. Of course the child mentions "daddy's phone call" to the mom and thus caught x3. He came to my church. I allowed him back again. Stupid, I know. While I can't bring myself to be intimate with him anymore, and this time it's completely different in terms of no intimacy and slowing the roller coaster way down, I wanted him in my life and still love him. He showed me the divorce papers, etc.

 

Over time I became more and more aware that I need to stay away from this dude and I did. I was doing well, trying to move on with my life without pining for him and then he comes to a venue I was at and runs right up to me.

[TrebleClef]

1.After the first time getting caught, I ended it. He came back and I allowed him. During all of this he was legally separated but lied to me about his living arrangements. He told me he was living at his mother's then told me he got an apartment. I saw the apartment so I thought it was true.

 

2.I went on a road trip with him and he went to a house that I later found out was his son's mother's house. I stayed in the car. We get back to town and he tells me that his son called BW and asked why didn't she (thinking I was her) get out of the car and play basketball with them. I'm thinking ok no big deal he thought I was your STBXW right? Wrong! This is when I find out that he's been living in the marital home the whole time he's telling me he's living at his own apartment. I initiated NC.

 

3. He calls me, has me on speaker phone and I hear a child's voice and find out it's his (then) 5 y/o in the car as he talks to me as though noone else is there. I ask him "Really?" He says yes, I have nothing to hide. So I'm stupified again and believe he's living away from the home. Of course the child mentions "daddy's phone call" to the mom and thus caught x3. He came to my church. I allowed him back again. Stupid, I know. While I can't bring myself to be intimate with him anymore, and this time it's completely different in terms of no intimacy and slowing the roller coaster way down, I wanted him in my life and still love him. He showed me the divorce papers, etc.

 

Over time I became more and more aware that I need to stay away from this dude and I did. I was doing well, trying to move on with my life without pining for him and then he comes to a venue I was at and runs right up to me.

 

 

Sorry...hit submit too soon....

 

He runs up to me, tells me he's moved back in but that doesn't mean they're together, he loves me and but it's cheaper to keep her. This is when I said all those things to him. I'm nothing to him and it hurts.

 

I swear I'd STILL be a virgin if I knew what I know now. To hell with men, sex, intimacy, love and all that other sh**!!!!!

[YellowShark]

I swear I'd STILL be a virgin if I knew what I know now. To hell with men, sex, intimacy, love and all that other sh**!!!!!

 

Wrong answer. There are many good men out there. I am one. Sadly you chose a really screwed up, lying, cheating, scumball to fall in love with. Do not use him as a yardstick to measure all men by. Use him as a learning opportunity to STAY AWAY from cheaters.

 

Because if they will cheat *with* you TrebleClef... they will cheat *on* you as well. And if they are a lying cheater - (like your "man-of-god) - that is a HUGE red flag that they probably have a ton of other negative character traits that makes them sick and toxic.

[CarrieT]

I kept telling myself, he came back for a reason, he found me because he's realized he should've married me and had ONE marriage.

 

Wrong. I am willing to bet that each one of his Ex's believes/ed exactly this (which is why they married him). The man is a serial cheater and if he met you first, you simply would have been the first to be cheated on; I'm sorry, but in that regard, you would not have been special or have made HIM act any differently.

 

Tell his wife.

[TrebleClef]

Wrong. I am willing to bet that each one of his Ex's believes/ed exactly this (which is why they married him). The man is a serial cheater and if he met you first, you simply would have been the first to be cheated on; I'm sorry, but in that regard, you would not have been special or have made HIM act any differently.

 

Tell his wife.

 

I'm absolutely certain that HE is MY first (only) everything but now I see I'm probably the first virgin he met but not the first women he's bamboozled (sp?)

 

I'm so scared to tell his wife for a ton of reasons! I think it will amp the drama but I'm so tired of this and just want it to end w/o him showing up@ my church or sitting in my driveway playing the "I miss you, I love you" song which is just a load of BULL!

[TrebleClef]

LMAO!!!! Already married THREE times and he's still acting like a jack-hole.

 

Big surprise.

 

Well now, I'm surprised.

 

I thought he was divorcing and had told his wife that he's with YOU and that he loves YOU? So what do you mean, you've been "caught" 3 times? "Caught" doing what? He's divorcing and has proclaimed his love for you, so I'm confused.

 

LOL. Not.

 

 

Now wait a minute "Just a poster" you've just confused ME.....LOL!

 

Are you really confused or are you being facetious?

 

Yes, he's divorcing (or was divorcing, hell IDK anymore) and told ME he told his wife that he's with me and loves me. The reason why I thought there was some validity to his story was due to the emails BW sent to ME.

 

I've not wanted to be with him intimately or otherwise for months and when he showed up at the venue I was at and started all this it's cheper to keep her but I love you spiel, I thought "wow, really?" "I'll never merit anything more to this fool" and I told him so.

 

His MO has been pop in/out of my life and impromptu/impetuous dumpings of me (via email). HE sent ME an email during one of his attempts to come back from dumping me and it was full of the I miss you's, I love you's. It became a long thread. I replied but my replies weren't nice. Per xMM, he fell asleep and left his cell ph (w/his email up and email thread opened) on, opened and unlocked and sis-in-law (who's bitter and angry and hates him...per xMM) read and gave it to her sis. This is when BW emailed me, thus she knows about me, of me or however you say it. I didn't oblige BW and the emails stopped as quickly as they started.

 

Per xMM sis-in-law grilled him, not BW. He said BW asked him one time "are you having an affair?" and he said "it is what it is". He said BW then sat down and started reading and said "I'm done with it" while sis-in-law commenced to grilling him about the emails/affair/me.

 

We were caught DURING the affair and it was always at HIS doing. In retrospect and IMO it seemed to be him trying to get drama and/or a rise/reaction out of BW. When she wouldn't engage him, he continued snowing me until enough time passed to try and get caught again.

Edited April 23, 2012 by TrebleClef

[TrebleClef]

Oh for God's sakes - you actually think there was EVER a divorce on the table? Honestly???

 

I have a bridge I want to sell you.

 

I'd be willing to be he never even had his own place. Unless you SAW it and spent time there, it didn't exist. And if he really DID have his own place, it was only temporary because they're back together.

 

What a load of BULLSH*T that he's told her he loves YOU. :laugh:

 

She doesn't even KNOW you exist.

 

The guy's a lying piece of crap.

 

 

Yeah, I actually did. He showed me legal separation papers, etc. so I thought it was true. I'm sure most of it was my strong desire to want it to be true.

 

I saw the apartment. Now I'm guessing it was a mock, or one of his friends' apartment or whatever. I'm so, so tired of this whole ordeal.

 

Re: "he's told her he loves me" see my reply to your second post. Not to be repetitive but I thought it valid because she's emailed me as well. She has also called me. I blocked my number, that didn't work. I've changed the number since.

I didn't oblige her/them/him and the emails and calls stopped.

 

NOW, he shows up at my house and church. Remember, we dated years ago, my family knows him and with the exception of my parents, thought we were perfect together, blah, blah.... Of course fam doesn't know the REAL.

 

He showed at the venue (like I said in my post) and now he's shown up at my church. He spoke to my parents and some of my family and my mom (smiling...he's a charmer guys) asked me later did I see him. All I said was yes ma'am and changed the subject.

 

I now have to use all my energy to ignore? I can scream, restrain order, the whole 9 but if one side is done and the other isn't, what's next? I'm dealing with a completely different breed of man here.

[Owl]

So why, after getting caught 3x, is this still going on?

 

And...what's the status on telling his deacons and the board governing the church?

[TrebleClef]

So why, after getting caught 3x, is this still going on?

 

And...what's the status on telling his deacons and the board governing the church?

 

The EMR is NOT still going on. The BS, drama, aftermath, his refusal to let it go and his getting a kick out of showing up, dropping bombs and watching me with a sad face, is still going on.

 

Like I said I can restrain order, threat, carry out the threat, etc. if I'm done but he's not he will continue to show up....like he has. And again, restraining order is essentially nothing but a piece of paper to wave in his face. I guess it differs from state to state, county to county. My state? Not so big on it I guess. Now if I end up dead, THEN they'll come a-runnin?

 

I'm scared to expose him because I will be exposing myself. I've never been to his church. Setting foot in that church and being acknowledged as a guest (obviously) will cause a scene in and of itself. She knows what I look like, she knows about me; and of course he knows what I look like.

 

I can't imagine the horror that would unfold. I've thought about writing an anonymous letter. What are your views on that?

[Ninja'sHusband]

The EMR is NOT still going on. The BS, drama, aftermath, his refusal to let it go and his getting a kick out of showing up, dropping bombs and watching me with a sad face, is still going on.

 

Like I said I can restrain order, threat, carry out the threat, etc. if I'm done but he's not he will continue to show up....like he has. And again, restraining order is essentially nothing but a piece of paper to wave in his face. I guess it differs from state to state, county to county. My state? Not so big on it I guess. Now if I end up dead, THEN they'll come a-runnin?

 

I'm scared to expose him because I will be exposing myself. I've never been to his church. Setting foot in that church and being acknowledged as a guest (obviously) will cause a scene in and of itself. She knows what I look like, she knows about me; and of course he knows what I look like.

 

I can't imagine the horror that would unfold. I've thought about writing an anonymous letter. What are your views on that?

You will probably have to prove whatever you say. Will an anonymous letter be enough? I would guess only you can answer that.

[Owl]

I doubt that an anonymous letter would be enough.

 

I suggest you do some research on the internet, look his church up and determine which branch of Baptist they are...and then go to that branch's 'board' directly...being open and honest, and informing them that you had an affair and that he has continued to preach as well as what he's done since to harrass you.

 

That simple. Not easy, but simple.

[YellowShark]

Forget exposing anyone. Complete waste of time TrebleClef. My advice is walk away. Use this debacle as a learning experience and evolve from it. Don't perpetuate your suffering by engaging this sordid affair any longer.

 

He's a total hypocritical scumball, you made a grave error by getting involved with him. 'Nuff said. Move on with your life and heal from this awful experience.

 

Good luck.

[TrebleClef]

Forget exposing anyone. Complete waste of time TrebleClef. My advice is walk away. Use this debacle as a learning experience and evolve from it. Don't perpetuate your suffering by engaging this sordid affair any longer.

 

He's a total hypocritical scumball, you made a grave error by getting involved with him. 'Nuff said. Move on with your life and heal from this awful experience.

 

Good luck.

 

May 7, 2012

I don't know why but I can't just walk away.

 

I had a meltdown a few days ago and my mother was there. I was so embarrassed and confused. She broke it down to me and said "you are not special to him, never was, never will be".

 

All this time I truly thought I was. He could have any woman (on campus back then and now for that matter). My dumb butt thought he chose me. He has my virginity, he took his time with me. He found me all these years later. I just knew it was fate. Wow.

 

Mom told me I've depleted myself trying to earn HIS love and no other man's. Maybe that's another reason ex-fiance cheated on me? IDK. Mom said just because xMM was intimate with me means nothing. She said he would have been with a garden hose if it had shown the least bit of will. She said I was nothing but a willing woman to him. Had I not been willing he'd move to the next.....like he did.

 

Mom said she suspects he has a long string of poor duped women and a string of children as well. Mercy, if she only knew!!

 

Deep down in my soul I believe my parents know he's M/divorced/separated...whatever the heck he is. They warned me not to back peddle and I didn't listen. When dude started his in/out of my life MO my dad said "that man is married, has a live in girlfriend or a baby's mother he's still very much involved with!"

 

I'm so embarrassed. Yet if he called I'd probably answer. What is my dang problem?!

[NoIDidn't]

May 7, 2012

I don't know why but I can't just walk away.

 

I had a meltdown a few days ago and my mother was there. I was so embarrassed and confused. She broke it down to me and said "you are not special to him, never was, never will be".

 

All this time I truly thought I was. He could have any woman (on campus back then and now for that matter). My dumb butt thought he chose me. He has my virginity, he took his time with me. He found me all these years later. I just knew it was fate. Wow.

 

Mom told me I've depleted myself trying to earn HIS love and no other man's. Maybe that's another reason ex-fiance cheated on me? IDK. Mom said just because xMM was intimate with me means nothing. She said he would have been with a garden hose if it had shown the least bit of will. She said I was nothing but a willing woman to him. Had I not been willing he'd move to the next.....like he did.

 

Mom said she suspects he has a long string of poor duped women and a string of children as well. Mercy, if she only knew!!

 

Deep down in my soul I believe my parents know he's M/divorced/separated...whatever the heck he is. They warned me not to back peddle and I didn't listen. When dude started his in/out of my life MO my dad said "that man is married, has a live in girlfriend or a baby's mother he's still very much involved with!"

 

I'm so embarrassed. Yet if he called I'd probably answer. What is my dang problem?!

 

 

"He has my virginity"?!!!

 

He doesn't have your virginity. Its not exactly something he can put in his pocket and stare at lovingly. SMH.

 

Your mom and dad are right. It hurts that they were so blunt, but he means you nothing good. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like you really want away from him when you are still romanticizing this guy for being your first.

 

Its okay to regret giving it to an idiot.

[findingnemo]

I agree with Yellowshark. This guy is a piece of work. Telling his W about all this is a bloody waste of time because she knows what a jerk he is. He is entitled and seems like a psycho. Even if you tell her and she leaves him, he will find another woman to dupe...and another one. It's a never ending story.

 

I'm glad you told him your piece. Now move on. I'm afraid that involving yourself further will only cause more problems. It will keep you stuck. It can cause a scandal and from what you say about him, you'll be left having to defend yourself because he is a "man of God" and many will choose to believe him. It's not your job to bring vengeance upon his head. Sometimes it's good to know when you can't handle something. Outing this guy to his W and church with a view of making them understand who he is, is a tall order. It will take a number of women to do this beagles anyone believes it. So don't do it. It's an exercise in futility, IMO.

[TrebleClef]

"He has my virginity"?!!!

 

He doesn't have your virginity. Its not exactly something he can put in his pocket and stare at lovingly. SMH.

 

Your mom and dad are right. It hurts that they were so blunt, but he means you nothing good. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like you really want away from him when you are still romanticizing this guy for being your first.

 

Its okay to regret giving it to an idiot.

 

Well maybe has is a wrong choice of word. I feel like he has it. He has my heart as well and is just having a ball bouncing them around in his hands and stabbing them repeatedly, then throwing them on the ground and stomping on them!

 

I feel it was such a waste. He's the only man I know and now I'm afraid I'll dismiss any other man who has genuine interest in me. I think I'm becoming bitter and when men have shown interest in me I automatically deem him a liar, cheat, snake and that he's only interested in one thing.