Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 She found a flirtatious text. She then threatened to retrieve the texts so I confessed that I had sex with her two times. Then weeks went by with her asking more details and without really going through interaction by interaction I estimated 7 times. Then finally a few days ago I thought hard about each time I had sex and it was 8 times.
HHC Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 She found a flirtatious text. She then threatened to retrieve the texts so I confessed that I had sex with her two times. Then weeks went by with her asking more details and without really going through interaction by interaction I estimated 7 times. Then finally a few days ago I thought hard about each time I had sex and it was 8 times. Not only did you show you had no respect for her by cheating, but you treated her like an idiot by lying over and over again. She feels humiliated, angry, hurt, and most of all that you have and will continue to hide things from her because you think she's stupid
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Not only did you show you had no respect for her by cheating, but you treated her like an idiot by lying over and over again. She feels humiliated, angry, hurt, and most of all that you have and will continue to hide things from her because you think she's stupid You are 100% correct. I took her and our marriage for granted.
Furious Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It's harder for the BS when the affair is discovered rather than having a confession. She is most likely feeling that you regret getting caught as opposed to being truly remorseful. Also if you hadn't been caught you most likely would be still in the affair. That combined with TT is a huge pill for her to swallow. Ask her wants she needs and what she wants from you and follow through. Dig deep in why and how you ended up cheating. DO NOT SAY IT JUST HAPPENNED!
HHC Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Firstly, stop saying all the cliques around cheating and betrayal
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Another element to this terrible situation I have created is that in the first few weeks of the discovery my wife (a lawyer) went to see a fellow lawyer/friend she works with about divorce. He was there for her and express feelings for her. Well they made out a bit and there was some touching. She stopped it and did tell me about and she also told me that flirty sexting countinues. I know that she wouldn't have done this if I didn't do what I did. However each day they see eachother and go out to work lunches together it kills me. I tend to interrogate her to find out if anything more happened whatever day they are together. She swares that she will not sleep with him or do anything else. But I am jealous as hell. I do trust her, she has not done anything to betray my trust but I can't help but think that if she is having a down day and is really hating me that she and him may do something. I know I caused this, I accept that. Should I ignore the fact that they had a bit of intimacy and give her her privacy? Two wrongs do no make a right. Whether she is doing it for an ego feed to make herself feel better (needed, wanted by another man since her self esteem took a huge hit when you cheated on her) or it's revenge..She has to STOP sexting and flirting with this guy. He is taking advantage of the situation, so he's a real sh.it for doing this. You have a right to be angry about it too on some level. Tell her that she cheats and makes it physical the marriage will be even harder to fix. Neither of you will trust eachother and both of you will be liars and cheaters. Not good at all. She's dangerously crossing the lines. 1
findingnemo Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Actually, your W has already crossed the line. But at least she is being open about it so I'm not sure it can be termed as cheating. It's a revenge thing. Let me ask you this... Would it help her if you "allowed" her to sleep with her AP? I know it sounds crazy. But reading your story I see more potential for D than reconciliation. Change tactics a bit. Tell her all she wants to know, keep doing whatever she wants and when she tells you about the AP, tell her she can go ahead and sleep with him. Tell her that if she thinks the solution to this problem is for her to do the same, go ahead. When she's done, you'll both sit down and figure out if you what to be together. You will now have something on her - you'll be even (something she obviously wants). You can't fight her right now because shell throw the A and the TT in your face. Let me tell you though that what she's doing isn't right regardless of the fact that you cheated. So while you're busy beating yourself up, take a look at her behaviour too. She can't demand full disclosure, etc and exact revenge and think she will still be the "victim" here. The sexting and petting is already a betrayal. So now what? Do you still want to be M? Does she? If she isn't sure or you're not sure, have a trial separation.
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 She's acting as if she has your permission to cheat. Since you don't have a solid boundary she's getting the idea that she can without any penalty from you. And you didn't take her and the M for granted - you took her for a fool. She may intend to do the sae to you. The M seems terribly unhealthy. Tit for tat... Have you two been to a marriage counselor?
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 It's harder for the BS when the affair is discovered rather than having a confession. She is most likely feeling that you regret getting caught as opposed to being truly remorseful. Also if you hadn't been caught you most likely would be still in the affair. That combined with TT is a huge pill for her to swallow. Ask her wants she needs and what she wants from you and follow through. Dig deep in why and how you ended up cheating. DO NOT SAY IT JUST HAPPENNED! I definately understand this. We have been talking with eachother and I did see a IC to start to look at the deeper reason I strayed.
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Actually, your W has already crossed the line. But at least she is being open about it so I'm not sure it can be termed as cheating. It's a revenge thing. Let me ask you this... Would it help her if you "allowed" her to sleep with her AP? I know it sounds crazy. But reading your story I see more potential for D than reconciliation. Change tactics a bit. Tell her all she wants to know, keep doing whatever she wants and when she tells you about the AP, tell her she can go ahead and sleep with him. Tell her that if she thinks the solution to this problem is for her to do the same, go ahead. When she's done, you'll both sit down and figure out if you what to be together. You will now have something on her - you'll be even (something she obviously wants). You can't fight her right now because shell throw the A and the TT in your face. Let me tell you though that what she's doing isn't right regardless of the fact that you cheated. So while you're busy beating yourself up, take a look at her behaviour too. She can't demand full disclosure, etc and exact revenge and think she will still be the "victim" here. The sexting and petting is already a betrayal. So now what? Do you still want to be M? Does she? If she isn't sure or you're not sure, have a trial separation. Its weird but toward the beginning of finding out about what she did and the "friendship" of theirs, I was pushing her to just sleep with him. I wanted her to even the score. She has refused to do so. She has been very open and honest about what this is with him. He is showing her that she is wanted by other people. I get this, I understand this reasoning. She is great, she is attractive and pretty and I have been telling her this and flirting with her more and more lately.
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I want this marriage to work, I love her. With out a doubt. I regret all of this. However, she still says she loves me too but, she also says that if we didn't have a house and kids she would be out the door. So I am 100% committed to making this work. I don't get that feeling from her. She is still busy working on getting beyond the lies I have fed her so I think I need to give it more time before I know if she is committed.
Spark1111 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Its weird but toward the beginning of finding out about what she did and the "friendship" of theirs, I was pushing her to just sleep with him. I wanted her to even the score. She has refused to do so. She has been very open and honest about what this is with him. He is showing her that she is wanted by other people. I get this, I understand this reasoning. She is great, she is attractive and pretty and I have been telling her this and flirting with her more and more lately. Many a WS pushes their BS to sleep with someone, as if in evening the score, it will be over and done with and magically gone. Terrible move. No one feels better about anything. In fact, it makes things much worse. What you did, trickle-truthing, destroys more reconciliations than the actual affair. Why not sit down and try to piece together a timeline of events leading up to, during, and after the affair. Work hard on remembering it all. Give it to her. If you remember something new, add it immediately. Brutal honesty of your actions is the only way to regain trust. There are many helpful sites on the web that will show you how to rebuild your marriage and survive infidelity. Start reading and learning what works and what will not, before you make any more killer mistakes. As for the new man? That has to stop. Aske her if she is serious about reconciling. Tell her how it makes you feel. Good luck. 1
Owl Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Here's all you can do. Demonstrate to her today and forever going forward that you're NOW behaving in a trustworthy and loving manner, where you were not doing so before. Hope and pray that she gives you sufficient time and opportunity to PROVE to her through this demonstration that you have learned and are now trustworthy. That's it. There's no secret ingrediant here that'll cause her to instantly see that you're somehow now relationship material where you weren't just a short time ago.
Black Jack Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 While it is wrong that you had an affair and lied to her, that doesn't mean what she's doing is justified. There's nothing you can really do except to sit there and take it but you might want to acknowledge the real possibility that she used your affair to justify her own actions. She just found this out and all of a sudden the coworker she's freaking with expressed that he wants to sleep with her? She's probably been cheating on you right under your nose for quite a while and just now decided to tell you about it because of your own affair. What you have here is an open marriage now and rest assured she shagged the guy while damning you to hell. Not saying anyone here has the upper hand but lets not kid ourselves into thinking that BSs have a right to angrily screw another outside of their broken marriages.
TigerCub Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 She can' have some moral high ground when she's cheating on you too. Man, if someone had come here, started a thread talking about how they made out with a coworker and they sext them and flirt and all that - everyone would be on them telling them what a piece of crap, lying, cheating, ass they are - so that same judgment should go for her too. You ****ed up - yeah we all agree on that. because of your **** up, you live in disgrace and shame and you have to change jobs so that you're not around your AP. But your wife, cheats on you and flaunts it in your face and tells you that the sexting still goes on, and that she sees this guys every day - but you're still supposed to grovel and feel like **** and take it from her? She was totally the poor victim in this story, until the added development. She can't cheat and still hold your crap over you. You guys have a very dysfunctional relationship. How are you supposed to trust each other - its not just an issue of her trusting you, do you trust her? honestly, do you? 1
turnera Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 The other issue we are having is that she wants to know what i said to the OW or what I texted. The problem is that I honestly don't remember. I remember some things (not word for word) but generally speaking, and other things I can't recall it all. This just makes things worse because she feels that I am hiding something. My response to her frustration during this type talk is that I just tell her I'm sorry I just don't remember all of it.The polygraph will prove this out. Find a reputable one in your city and schedule the appointment for a week from now. Tell her when it is, and give her the guy's phone number so she can find out how it works (she needs to write up a list of important questions he will ask you). Also, read some good books on what a real marriage looks like. My favorite is His Needs Her Needs, because it's based on psychology, and it works. Read it, then show her and ask if she wants to read it with you. If you have the money, also find a good marriage counselor and schedule ongoing appointments for the two of you. Right now, she needs to see ACTION from you, not words. You have a good start, but you need deeper changes.
turnera Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I do trust her, she has not done anything to betray my trust but I can't help but think that if she is having a down day and is really hating me that she and him may do something. I know I caused this, I accept that. Should I ignore the fact that they had a bit of intimacy and give her her privacy? That's just a price you're going to have to pay - uncertainty. Give her privacy - to an extent. As long as she doesn't start hiding her phone or taking too long at work...
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I don't know. She has never done anything to me to not trust her. She insists that it is not sexting its just innocent flirting. We talked about it today, she is telling me that the flirting is helping her restore her self esteem which I destroyed. It makes sense to me. But then again she also said that if she has to deal with visualizing me with the OW then I will have to deal with the flirting. I also said that if it is just innocent flirting then I should be able to read the texts. Her reply was that i have no reason not to believe what she is saying and also that she feels that whatever communication there is between her and the OM doesn't concern me and that I would read way more into it than there actually is. I don't agree with the part of the communication not being my concern. However I ended the conversation there. I get to the point in these arguments where I think to myself, I caused this whole senario just shut the F up.
TigerCub Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 I don't know. She has never done anything to me to not trust her. She insists that it is not sexting its just innocent flirting. We talked about it today, she is telling me that the flirting is helping her restore her self esteem which I destroyed. It makes sense to me. But then again she also said that if she has to deal with visualizing me with the OW then I will have to deal with the flirting. I also said that if it is just innocent flirting then I should be able to read the texts. Her reply was that i have no reason not to believe what she is saying and also that she feels that whatever communication there is between her and the OM doesn't concern me and that I would read way more into it than there actually is. I don't agree with the part of the communication not being my concern. However I ended the conversation there. I get to the point in these arguments where I think to myself, I caused this whole senario just shut the F up. I understand that she's trying to hurt you back - I'm sure those feelings are justified - BUT she's emotionally blackmailing you. She's pretty much saying "you did this terrible thing to me so now sit back and watch what I'm going to do". She's pretty much telling you to just shut up because you started it. Look, all I'm saying is that this is no way to actually repair the marriage. Are you expected to work on things and trust each other and have both of you heal when there is her OM in the picture where things may or may not be going into the territory you crossed with your OW? It makes no sense, how are you both supposed to repair your M when these childish games are going on. That's why she wont just go out and sleep with the man (at your suggestion) because she thinks that what she is doing is "less" and therefore she's "better" than you and can hold your mistakes over your head forever and make you eat **** for it. Don't fall for that - ok you screwed up, but she has the choice to stay with you and work on the M and try to heal, or to walk the **** away. She's choosing to stay, cheat on you and still make you feel like her actions are your fault. That's crap, she's just being manipulative and she's emotionally blackmailing you.
Artie Lang Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 She's pretty much saying "you did this terrible thing to me so now sit back and watch what I'm going to do". She's pretty much telling you to just shut up because you started it. yup. and judging by her attitude, she's gonna hold this over his head for a looong time. this colleague of hers is gonna swoon her over time, and she's gonna get her revenge.
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