absolute remorseful Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Hi All, I've been married for 7 years now and just got found of a 6 month long affair with a coworker. I am beyond sorry for doing this and never in my life thought I would be in this situation, however I am. Unfortunately I never read anything on how to handle myself through the beginning of dealing with my wife and how to handle myself through the beginning of trying to work things out. My biggest fail was proceeding with trickle truth. She was hell bent on giving details. Positions, amount of occurances, conversations, everything. In answering these questions I tried to be vague as I did not want to hurt her with details. However she is persistent and could see right through my vagality. Eventually I broke down and told her all she wanted to know. The problem is that it took so long for me to finally say it all. Now that this is the third adaptation of the details she does not believe me. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me to help her know that I am NOW telling the truth. Please help. Thank you.
nofool4u Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 The problem is that it took so long for me to finally say it all. Now that this is the third adaptation of the details she does not believe me. Of course she doesn't, and nobody could blame her. I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me to help her know that I am NOW telling the truth. There isn't a way, sorry. All you can do is give it time and when the work day is done, get your ass home and stay there. Oh, and start looking for another job. Your wife shouldn't have to put up with you being in ANY kind of contact with the OW. Even if you pass her in the hall and don't speak. You need to start looking. And you need to thank your lucky stars she hasn't served you with divorce papers, yet. 1
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Oh I don't blame her at all. I understand completely. I have found a new job and I also text her when I am leaving work and when I've picked up the kids and when I am home.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 You want your wife to gain a bit more trust in you? QUIT your job. By doing this it'll show her you're willing to prove to her that the A truly is over. It'll be much harder for your recovery (if you wife gives you a second chance) if you still work with the OW. Offer to go to marriage counselling with her. Start working on you..Take FULL responsibility for your choice to cheat on her.
nofool4u Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Then so far you are doing all you can. But as far as getting her to believe you are telling the truth, there is nothing you can do. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Keep telling the truth. If your AP contacts you, tell your BS. That's about it. What heals trust? Truth. Give as much as you can unless your BS says they don't want anymore info. Err I mean on a daily basis. Some BS don't want to know everything about the A.
freestyle Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Whatever you do---- If your wife is gracious enough to give you the gift of reconciliation-- (and it truly IS a gift) Do NOT---under ANY circumstances---pressure her to 'rug-sweep' her feelings. Rebuilding trust is a painfully slow process---& if you exude an aura of impatience---It's going to set her back. Also---VOLUNTEER absolute transparency, about everything, at all times. Don't wait for her to ask. 1
Artie Lang Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 you're gonna be walking on eggshells for a long time, buddy. you have yourself to blame for that. i see a long hard road ahead for you. was the other BS informed of this? he needs to know. 1
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Repair the damage you caused by doing anything and everything you can think of to allow her to understand that SHE is YOUR top priority. Stay connected to her, communicate your feelings openly. Validate her feelings. Be honest and open! No sneaky behavior - don't Do things that even make her wonder! RESTORE that peace of mind that YOU STOLE! And restore it each and every day like YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT! Always consider HER feelings before your own feelings! Ask yourself with EVERY word and action you use "would his possibly cause my wife any harm?" IF it MIGHT - then don't say or do what would cause harm! You are there to consider restoring LOVING behavior by YOUR actions and your words! Every little bit helps! She is in pain! Treat her as a wounded person! You ripped her heart and soul out! It takes a long time to heal - but consistency and restoring HER peace of mind is key! Best wishes... Get busy DOING the action it takes to recover from the damage you've caused! 2
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I have recognized alot of things that I haven't been doing to make her feel loved prior to all this. I am trying to step it up. Freestyle: when you say "absolute transparency, about everything, at all times. Don't wait for her to ask. " I'm not sure what you mean by don't wait for her to ask. Do you mean don't wait for her to ask the questions, tell the whole story?
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 The other issue we are having is that she wants to know what i said to the OW or what I texted. The problem is that I honestly don't remember. I remember some things (not word for word) but generally speaking, and other things I can't recall it all. This just makes things worse because she feels that I am hiding something. My response to her frustration during this type talk is that I just tell her I'm sorry I just don't remember all of it.
freestyle Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Thank you for the advice. I have recognized alot of things that I haven't been doing to make her feel loved prior to all this. I am trying to step it up. Freestyle: when you say "absolute transparency, about everything, at all times. Don't wait for her to ask. " I'm not sure what you mean by don't wait for her to ask. Do you mean don't wait for her to ask the questions, tell the whole story? I apologize if I wasn't specific enough.......... What I meant was---give over ALL of your passwords & always let her know what your plans are, when you're going to be away from her. Even if you're only going to run a half an hour late---call her. These actions will help to ease her mind, as she's likely to be in a state of hyper-vigilance for a long time. The more cooperative you are, the better your chances of rebuilding trust are. I would wait for her to ask questions about the affair--it's going to be up to her how much detail she's going to want. It's different for every BS---some want to know everything, others don't. Leave that ball in her court.
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 The other issue we are having is that she wants to know what i said to the OW or what I texted. The problem is that I honestly don't remember. I remember some things (not word for word) but generally speaking, and other things I can't recall it all. This just makes things worse because she feels that I am hiding something. My response to her frustration during this type talk is that I just tell her I'm sorry I just don't remember all of it. You can ask your phone provider to give all text exchanges. You may not remember - but it shows as evidence since you both typed it. You will get it if you find it important to HER. Leave NOTHING out! Own what you did, what you said, what you typed!
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Another element to this terrible situation I have created is that in the first few weeks of the discovery my wife (a lawyer) went to see a fellow lawyer/friend she works with about divorce. He was there for her and express feelings for her. Well they made out a bit and there was some touching. She stopped it and did tell me about and she also told me that flirty sexting countinues. I know that she wouldn't have done this if I didn't do what I did. However each day they see eachother and go out to work lunches together it kills me. I tend to interrogate her to find out if anything more happened whatever day they are together. She swares that she will not sleep with him or do anything else. But I am jealous as hell. I do trust her, she has not done anything to betray my trust but I can't help but think that if she is having a down day and is really hating me that she and him may do something. I know I caused this, I accept that. Should I ignore the fact that they had a bit of intimacy and give her her privacy?
SandieBeach Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Another element to this terrible situation I have created is that in the first few weeks of the discovery my wife (a lawyer) went to see a fellow lawyer/friend she works with about divorce. He was there for her and express feelings for her. Well they made out a bit and there was some touching. She stopped it and did tell me about and she also told me that flirty sexting countinues. I know that she wouldn't have done this if I didn't do what I did. However each day they see eachother and go out to work lunches together it kills me. I tend to interrogate her to find out if anything more happened whatever day they are together. She swares that she will not sleep with him or do anything else. But I am jealous as hell. I do trust her, she has not done anything to betray my trust but I can't help but think that if she is having a down day and is really hating me that she and him may do something. I know I caused this, I accept that. Should I ignore the fact that they had a bit of intimacy and give her her privacy? Oh, sweet Lord. 1
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Yes, she has all passwords to everything. She controls the money so there is no hiding anything there. I call or text her the minute I leave work and the minute I come home. I even text her if I am stopping at the bank or store and when I leave the bank or store. I really think I am doing what I can. I just wish I could have told her the whole truth the first time she asked. Not only do I regret what I have done, I also regret how I went about telling her. I wish I could have had the knowledge that I have now, back at the beginning of this.
Artie Lang Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 no, you shouldn't ignore it. seems like she's hell-bent on making you feel the pain she's feelin'.....doesn't feel too good, does it? boy.....you really f*cked-up, dude. you opened a whole can of worms with your behavior. you didn't answer my question- does your AP's husband know?
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 no, you shouldn't ignore it. seems like she's hell-bent on making you feel the pain she's feelin'.....doesn't feel too good, does it? boy.....you really f*cked-up, dude. you opened a whole can of worms with your behavior. you didn't answer my question- does your AP's husband know? Ya I totally F*cked up. No it doesn't feel good. Ok so don't ignore it. That it? do you have anything else to offer? And, the AP is divorced.
Artie Lang Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 don't get mad at me.....you're the one who put yourself here. act like a man, and face the consequences of your actions. whatever you're feelin' is nothing compared to what your wife is feelin'. MAN-UP!!!
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Don't focus ANY time, energy or thought on your affair person - that STILL makes you a cheater when you do. Focus on your wife.
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I am more focused on her than ever. I am taking responsibility for this. I feel that I am doing what is necassary and that fact that there is or "is not" another guy involved makes me focus even more. I guess what I am asking is that is my asking a million questions about this guy the wrong thing to do? I mean I want to make her happy again. But I also don't want this other guy to take my place. I know this is very hypocriticle of me. I think what you are saying is forget the other guy exists forget about what she could be doing with this other guy and focus on making her happy when she is at home.
Author absolute remorseful Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 I'm afraid this new element has caused my thread to stray. What I was originally seeking was advice as to how to prove to her I am being truthful. How much do polygraph tests run?
HHC Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 My husband and I recently went through a rough period in our marriage. It resulted in my husband giving multiple women attention that crossed the line into betrayal. He got caught and didn't come clean. Even when I told him I didn't believe him and I wanted to know everything he looked me in the eye and said "I'm not lying to you. I learned a long time ago that there is no point in lying and it only makes things worse". He was lying and was found out. He never slept with anyone. He never kissed anyone. He never had a date with anyone. But he lied to me and he made me believe that I was creating stories in my head. He made me doubt myself and I felt like a fool because I believed his lies. Even just that action alone has broken the trust I had for him, and quite badly. You know your wife better than any of us. What does she consider the ultimate betrayal? Did you betray her in that way? I am on the verge of tears every day because I want to trust that my husband isn't doing anything, but I can't believe what he says because that doubt has been planted. I want the freedom of feeling secure back and I am willing to work to get it back, but it won't be an over night thing and he knows this. Tell her everything you do every day. When you get home walk her through you day. Even stupid interactions with female wait staff or cashiers. You may not think it is important, but she might. We had a rule that any interactions he would tell me about. Even if they meant nothing to him. I didn't want to have to ask, I needed him to tell me. If I had to ask, I felt that he was hiding it. It got to a point that I just didn't want to know any more and we changed the deal, but communication is the key. You need to get a clear picture of what she needs from you and you need to stick to it
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