Jethro Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now, and after reading what seems to be great advice from people here, I'm ready to post. I'm at a point with my marriage that I don't know how to handle the situation. There is quite a lot of back story, but basically my wife is having an EA. The back story is that she met this guy 7 years ago at work, they had a somewhat EA, which turned into a brief PA, and then he fell off the face of the earth. 3 months ago he calls her at work out of the blue, under the guise of being in Alchoholics Annon. and wanting to make amends. My wife says it was like 7 years never passed and the deep feelings she had for him came back in an instant. My wife was honest with what happened then, as she is being now. Many of you may not believe that, but I know it's true, becasue she is so painfully honest with me it's to the point of hurtfull. Some things do not need to be said. When she had the EA and then eventually the brief, drunken PA, he fell off the face of the earth and we never dealt with those feelings. Well, maybe she did somewhat, but I sure didn't. So I know that is a problem to begin with. But now he has come back, and she has expressed her feelings to him, and he is not interested in anything more than friendship. You may ask how I believe this... I know becasue of how distraught my wife became when he turned her down. She drinks, she comes home from seeing him, and tells me EVERYTHING. Even stuff she definitely shouldn't tell me, and I know I shouldn't listen, but how do you not? As time progressed, she tells me it really is nothing more than a deep friendship. She tells me her feeling for him are changing, but the fact that she had the feelings in the first place is an indication that something is wrong in the marriage. I have been waffeling back and forth about insisting there be no contact, then when she tells me that is impossible, in my desperation I tell her it's ok for now until she figures herself out. That is only becasue I am so scared to lose her, and I know that it's the wrong way to go about things. I have finally come to tell her that it is in no way possible for me to be ok with them having contact, and I am being consistant, becasue it's true. She tells me that he is the only one that understands her, that he doesn't make her feel like she is a bad person or wrong to have these feelings. Everyone else in the world tells her she is crazy, what is she thinking. She and the OM both suffer from very serious depression and mental illness, and she tells me that there is no way she is going to give up her best friend in the world. In the weeks that followed him coming back into the picture, my wife and I have both been miserable and distraught, fighting constantly. At one point I told her about me seeing a lawyer, which I did. She was about to move out into an apartment (which we couldn't afford in the first place) and then she got let go from her job for performance issues. I have insisted that what I need to continue this marriage is for her to stop talking to the OM, then we seek counsoling. I have already begun cousoling on my own and will likely continue. She is unwilling to seek counsoling, and she is unwilling to break contact with the other man. I am losing my mind with her in the house, but she will not leave. She insists it's not an EA, becasue he has zero feelings for her in that way. So what do I do? Kick her with no job out of the house? Turn off her phone? She isn't even looking for a job, she says she is crippled with depression. She hasn't reached out to a single other soul about this, just the OM. I finally made her tell her parents, who then responded very, VERY badly, and my wife tells me her relationship with them is basically over, which is unfortunate because that is the only place she could have gone to live. Should I just leave her be, pass like ships in the night until she tells me what she is doing? She's not exactly making any effort to leave- or do ANYTHING in fact. I am not innocent in all this, she has deep resentment for me about how I have treated her in the past, which at some times might have been insensative, and now she resents me even making an effort or showing I care. I need something to happen, becasue I am going insane with her not leaving, but I can't make her leave. Edited April 18, 2012 by Jethro
jphcbpa Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 if he is really in AA, he should fire his sponsor. clearly neither he or his sponsor (assuming he has one) knows anything about the 9th step. he is giving AA a bad name.
Author Jethro Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 if he is really in AA, he should fire his sponsor. clearly neither he or his sponsor (assuming he has one) knows anything about the 9th step. he is giving AA a bad name. Well, I think it's garbage anyway, he apparently gave up drinking, but still pops pills like nobodys buisness. I guess it should be said that he apparently has a very real reason for the pills, an extremely bad spinal deasise that apparently will render him in a wheelchair within 10 years.
wow04 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I have a few things: 1.) If he was correctly doing a 9th step, he should have realized this was one of the amends you don't make directly. 2.) If he is truely working a program, he isn't the same person he was when your wife had the EA. 3.) I don't know where you live, so kicking her out might not be an option. 4.) Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't love you? 5.) You can file for divorce and let the courts decide who needs to leave. 6.) Why would you make her tell her family? It is none of their business. This is between you two. There was no need to involve others.
Author Jethro Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I have a few things: 6.) Why would you make her tell her family? It is none of their business. This is between you two. There was no need to involve others. I guess you are right, but she has abanded everyone else in her life in the matter of 2 months, and hadn't talked to a single other soul except him since he came back into her life in Feb. 2700 texts in March to him alone (and she wonders why she was fired). It seemed to me she was living in a fantasy world, I was hoping to bring her back to reality, which I now know was foolish. Actually her parents have responded so horribly that it's taken us in a whole new direction. She says she no longer wants contact with anyone else in the entire world but the OM, because he is the only one who doesn't make her feel like a horrible person for what she has done.
wow04 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Can you talk to her family about how concerned you are about her? She seems to be in severe depression. She might not see it, but she needs help.
2sure Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Your wife, depressed or mentally or not - seems to be under the impression that your role in her life is simply as care taker. Not best friend, not husband, not partner. She lost her job due to porr performance, isnt looking for another and wants you, as you have before - to not only tolerate her relationship with another man but to also let her complain to you about it. She sees absolutely No reason why the fact that she is married to you should in any way hinder what she has decided she wants. At least she has been honest about that. Yes, of course throw her out and make a life for yourself. If you want to continue to be her sounding board, fine. But why on earth is it your job to give up your life and chance at a solid healthy relationship ...because she is being selfish and entitled. I get that she becomes depressed and emotionally unstable when she is not able to be selfish and entitled - but how does that change your outcome?
Author Jethro Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Yes, this is the major reason I did reach out to them. She is definitely in severe depression, which she has been her whole life. She refuses to see it that way. She tells herself it's the marriage, or something. She cuts herself with razors (a cutter, not a suicide thing... big difference), she is a professional shoplifter, she drives drunk frequently and does not care, she shows no remorse about alienating her friends and family... I have talked to them, and all it's gotten is my wife insisting that she will disown everyone. She says they do not understand her, and she is probably right, but they do care about her. Either way, she is unwilling to do anything about it, so I guess what am I asking here? My hands are tied and I know there is nothing I can do about it!
Meatballsmom Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Jethro Listen to 2 sure And you were totally in the right to expose this to your friends and her parents.
standtall Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 1. Kick her with no job out of the house? 2. Turn off her phone? She isn't even looking for a job, she says she is crippled with depression. She hasn't reached out to a single other soul about this, just the OM. I finally made her tell her parents, who then responded very, VERY badly, and my wife tells me her relationship with them is basically over, which is unfortunate because that is the only place she could have gone to live. 3. Should I just leave her be, pass like ships in the night until she tells me what she is doing? . 1. you can't 2. yes 3. No...stop being a doormat. Grow aa pair and put your foot down. Tell her it is you or the OM, and if she picks you , then she must cut off all contact with the OM forever..period. If not, then file for divorce and let the court be the bad guy. 1
Author Jethro Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Well, I have put my foot down and now she has left the house. She said at this point in her life she absolutely can not give up that friendship. So... there it is. Packed a bag and all her meds and was gone when I got home from work.
wow04 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Well, I have put my foot down and now she has left the house. She said at this point in her life she absolutely can not give up that friendship. So... there it is. Packed a bag and all her meds and was gone when I got home from work. I know this is hard on you. Talk to a lawyer about divorce.
Owl Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Here's the thing...if you are afraid of losing her if you take action to end her attachment to him...and she's not afraid of losing you if she continues her 'relationship' with him...then you have forfeited any and all power in the relationship. The person who's not afraid of losing the other holds all the power. Either take back that power...or accept the situation as where you've opted to remain and deal with it. It's that simple. Not easy...but simple.
Owl Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 OK...sorry...hadn't read down far enough to see that she's left. Hang in there. Focus on taking care of yourself right now. DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO COME BACK. Instead, work on improving yourself. The most attractive thing (to a woman) in the world is a man who is confidant enough to take care of himself, and demand respect.
Author Jethro Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Thats good advice Owl, and I'm gonna follow it. She texted me twice last night, asking about the dog, if the dog is ok and is going to be fed... I completly ignored her, and will continue to do so. wow04, I went to a lawyer weeks ago, after I found out she was in contact with the OM, so I am informed there.
robf1971 Posted April 20, 2012 Posted April 20, 2012 Well, I have put my foot down and now she has left the house. She said at this point in her life she absolutely can not give up that friendship. So... there it is. Packed a bag and all her meds and was gone when I got home from work. Brilliantly handled, you should be an inspiration to all the other guys on here who put up with this for months or years. Yes she's depressed, got fired etc but she's a grown adult who will just have to deal with it herself.
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