I'm the best kept secret in this town

[Kamille]

I am more awesome than Kamille

 

That is being awesome! .

[Kamille]

I think its easier to have a positive outlook on when youve attracted the opposite sex in the past and know that opportunites will come,when you feel you arent attractive to the opposite sex then its hard to blindly believe youll get many opportunities to find the right person..

 

 

I guess my experience of attraction in the past is this: I've been so in the moment with someone, so into the banter and the back and forth that physical appearance no longer seemed to matter. It was the glint in their eye that made me want to rip the clothes off of them, feel that they were the most attractive person in the universe. Since I know what that feels like, I imagine others can feel that same way about me. Note: this means I also believe I am more likely to meet my man from real life connections than on OLDS.

 

So, I, for one, tend to believe that who you are matters more than what you look like.

 

On that note, off to the cafe with me. Bring on the boys!

[verhrzn]

There's a world of difference between feeling bubbly and enjoying it / celebrating the good things in life, and plastic positivity, which is driven by "should" which is always going to disappoint. Getting used to being happy is good preparation for further successes, and the good times in a relationship. It also gives you some respite from doubt, fear, sadness, guilt, which makes it easier to experience these feelings too when they arise. We are made to laugh and cry, smile and frown.

 

If you don't like appreciating your successes (and it doesn't have to be done by fist in the air whooping like a demented Gerry Springer guest) and savouring the good things, what is it you're afraid will happen if you do? For me, it was fear of being mocked, ridiculed, dismissed - invalidated in other words. Get out of that invalidating environment and learn to accept some people will be miserable when you're happy, and that's for them to deal with.

 

I like this thread, it made me smile

 

I'm also worried about the dismissal and invalidation if I were to talk about "positive" qualities. I feel that if you claim to be wonderful, you had better be able to back it up, or the world is going to tear you apart.

 

Look at Samantha Brick as a perfect example. When she expressed the opinion that other women didn't like her because she was so beautiful, people felt the need to not just roll their eyes at her, but actively bring her down. There was even a thread about it here on LS... people felt the need to point out how not-hot she is, how she's "a 6 at best," and how delusional she is. She wasn't hurting anyone beyond being a little obnoxious, and yet people felt they needed to tear her down BECAUSE they thought she was being delusional.

 

That's the argument I always go back to with the whole "be positive" thing. Where's the line between positive and delusional? If you're busy focusing on the positives, aren't you then ignoring the negatives that might be causing your lack of success? And what if your "positives" aren't true... there are tons of posts from guys on this site, angry at women who are "delusional" about their own attractiveness.

 

On one hand, I really want to like this thread, because I enjoy Kamille and believe that she really is awesome. But on the other, I wonder if threads like this aren't actually... maybe a little counter-productive, on a forum like this one.

 

Why would I say counter-productive? Because most of the regular posters who have trouble with dating aren't, well, awesome. There's something wrong with us. Encouraging everyone to focus on their positives may just create blinders... telling ourselves we're so awesome, we're the best kept secret when really, well, we ain't.

 

This is also just my personal sensitivity, but threads like this also feel a little brag-tastic. I know it is in no way the OP's intention to brag or seem superior, but as someone who feels very down about her position in the world, it can be kind of difficult to have this attitude around them. It's like a reminder that there are awesome people in the world who are going to have fabulous success in the dating world, and I am not one of them. It's this bittersweet feeling of being the only single person at a couples event... I enjoy seeing all the happy couples and I'm pleased for people, but I also feel very alone and alien.

[Kamille]

I'm also worried about the dismissal and invalidation if I were to talk about "positive" qualities. I feel that if you claim to be wonderful, you had better be able to back it up, or the world is going to tear you apart.

 

Look at Samantha Brick as a perfect example. When she expressed the opinion that other women didn't like her because she was so beautiful, people felt the need to not just roll their eyes at her, but actively bring her down. There was even a thread about it here on LS... people felt the need to point out how not-hot she is, how she's "a 6 at best," and how delusional she is. She wasn't hurting anyone beyond being a little obnoxious, and yet people felt they needed to tear her down BECAUSE they thought she was being delusional.

 

That's the argument I always go back to with the whole "be positive" thing. Where's the line between positive and delusional? If you're busy focusing on the positives, aren't you then ignoring the negatives that might be causing your lack of success? And what if your "positives" aren't true... there are tons of posts from guys on this site, angry at women who are "delusional" about their own attractiveness.

 

On one hand, I really want to like this thread, because I enjoy Kamille and believe that she really is awesome. But on the other, I wonder if threads like this aren't actually... maybe a little counter-productive, on a forum like this one.

 

Why would I say counter-productive? Because most of the regular posters who have trouble with dating aren't, well, awesome. There's something wrong with us. Encouraging everyone to focus on their positives may just create blinders... telling ourselves we're so awesome, we're the best kept secret when really, well, we ain't.

 

This is also just my personal sensitivity, but threads like this also feel a little brag-tastic. I know it is in no way the OP's intention to brag or seem superior, but as someone who feels very down about her position in the world, it can be kind of difficult to have this attitude around them. It's like a reminder that there are awesome people in the world who are going to have fabulous success in the dating world, and I am not one of them. It's this bittersweet feeling of being the only single person at a couples event... I enjoy seeing all the happy couples and I'm pleased for people, but I also feel very alone and alien.

 

For me, the question isn't where's the line between positive and delusional, but where's the line between realistic and delusional? I think I am pretty realistic. I pay attention as much to positive feedback as I do negative feedback.

 

I also apply this to others, paying as much attention to their good qualities as their bad ones. (So you won't find me posting threads here where I focus on the 'annoying' men who are contacting me, simply because not all the men who are contacting me are annoying.)

 

And to me, that's probably the problem with some of the posters here: they've lost perspective. They've forgotten that it doesn't take everyone falling at their feet to find the right person for them. They've forgotten what it is about them that is going to make them a perfect match for one other person. Because, really, that's all you need: one person, the right person for you.

 

And that means focusing on yourself and what you like, making your strengths strongers and accepting your flaws (and perhaps picking one or two to tackle). It means being open about who you are and not being afraid of rejection.

[musemaj11]

People believe in many different things simply to make them feel better about themselves.

 

Nothing wrong though.