RiverRunning Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 You are overreacting. I can understand fully that it's CREEPY. He should not have e-mailed you at work. But it sounds like he was just enjoying himself, got carried away and wanted to advance things further than you would like. I don't get the impression he's a stalker, though. How many of us HAVEN'T Googled someone we're interested in, taking the details we can find? I would write to him and apologize, explaining that you thought it was a little too intrusive so early on. But, I think you should give this guy another chance. You say he was nice and he made a faux pas. Forgive him for it. There's plenty worse that a prospective date could do, and sending you an e-mail at work isn't one of them. By all means, if it starts getting more invasive after you forgive him this trespass, move on. But I think to do so now is a little premature.
zengirl Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Would Facebook be included in this, too? I have had friends tell me it's okay to contact a person on Facebook, while others have said it's not a good idea until you meet them in person first. In my situation, I kinda knew the girl from OK Cupid and also in real life, so I went for it on Facebook. Bad move? Personally, I would just send someone my FB info (I had guys do this when I was on OKC) if I wanted to connect with them on FB or ask for theirs. You don't have to meet in person first, but I wouldn't randomly Google them or look stuff up online and then blindside them. MMV, of course.
single ape Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It's no wonder woman complain about not getting dates. So he's good enough to meet in person, but not worthy of using the wrong email? I agree not the smoothest move, but the moving-on should be all him.
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Personally, I would just send someone my FB info (I had guys do this when I was on OKC) if I wanted to connect with them on FB or ask for theirs. You don't have to meet in person first, but I wouldn't randomly Google them or look stuff up online and then blindside them. MMV, of course. I don't think she knew I knew her surname, but I did explain to her how someone she knows told me her name, and I was trying her Facebook because of the last email she wrote on OK Cupid. She sounded suicidal so I sent a follow up on Facebook to see if she was alright.
g450 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I agree. He did in fact cross the line. He intentionally went out of his way to email her at her job even though she did not indicate to him that this was OK. And he already had a way to communicate with her privately. To me this would creep me the hell out. I would have dropped him right there. At the very least I would ask him how he got the addy and why he decided to email her at work. Either way, red flags all over the place. 1
zengirl Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I don't think she knew I knew her surname, but I did explain to her how someone she knows told me her name, and I was trying her Facebook because of the last email she wrote on OK Cupid. She sounded suicidal so I sent a follow up on Facebook to see if she was alright. Well, that sounds nice, though generally messages on dating sites don't sound suicidal . . . so sounds like a special case.
dasein Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Agree it was presumptuous, if it's a dealbreaker for OP, so be it. Both of them can move on to more compatible styles of interaction hopefully. I wonder at the things women classify as "creepy" today though, and at the oveuse of that particular term. Are those who overuse it really the fragile, timid, thin-skinned ingenues such overuse implies? It's like some of you caught a guy trying to peek in the window at a slumber party. "Ewwwww Creeeeeeepy!" Childish IMO.
g450 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Agree it was presumptuous, if it's a dealbreaker for OP, so be it. Both of them can move on to more compatible styles of interaction hopefully. I wonder at the things women classify as "creepy" today though, and at the oveuse of that particular term. Are those who overuse it really the fragile, timid, thin-skinned ingenues such overuse implies? It's like some of you caught a guy trying to peek in the window at a slumber party. "Ewwwww Creeeeeeepy!" Childish IMO. For the record dasein, I am a guy and find this creepy. And it's not being childish, it's being careful. If it were me on that ODS and my potential date somehow went out of her way to find out what my work email was, this would speak volumes to me. It would be the same as if I had an unlisted number and she somehow got ahold of it and then called my on my unlisted line. And yes even us guys can be creeped out. I had this incredibly unatractive woman email me constantly on match.com asking me for a chance to date. She simply would not take NO for an answer. I had to put her on ignore. There are nutjobs out there, even female ones. And the nutjobs use ODS and Craigslist almost exclusively. Just food for thought.
Imajerk17 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 (edited) OK, now calm down. Yes, I agree that in situations like these, you shouldn't contact someone through channels they didn't give you. That's really an unwritten rule, sometimes it can be broken but those sometimes are limited and this wasn't one of them. The guy would have been much better off calling or texting her through the number she gave him. But it was a faux pas, not a felony. I mean, the information he got was easily obtainable via what she already told him. Pink told him where she worked, knowing that her information was on the company web page. Her date didn't find her unlisted number, he didn't hire a PI, he didn't pay money to have access to some data-base containing people's private info, he didn't keep hassling her after she told him no. Edited April 19, 2012 by Imajerk17 1
dasein Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 If it were me on that ODS and my potential date somehow went out of her way to find out what my work email was, this would speak volumes to me. It would be the same as if I had an unlisted number and she somehow got ahold of it and then called my on my unlisted line. That's your prerogative despite the analogy being completely inapt. Finding someone's work email on a public web page based on them telling you where they work is not equivalent to the much greater effort and possible criminal activity involved in finding an unlisted phone number and then violating someone's implied expectation of privacy by using it. Again, it was mildly presumptuous in the way sending a card or flowers to her work would have been, no different at all, if anything, less involved than a card or flowers would have been. Certainly not a "stranger danger" episode in and of itself. I sent an inexpensive gag gift to a woman's work after a single date once despite her not giving me her work address based on something we had joked about on the date. It blew her away, and the next time we saw each other, she blew me... away All a matter of compatibility in style and perspective.
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I agree. He did in fact cross the line. He intentionally went out of his way to email her at her job even though she did not indicate to him that this was OK. And he already had a way to communicate with her privately. To me this would creep me the hell out. I would have dropped him right there. At the very least I would ask him how he got the addy and why he decided to email her at work. Either way, red flags all over the place. Totally Agree...and this also goes to show he has issues with boundaries.. regardless if someone knows something that doesn't mean they should use that info...
dasein Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Totally Agree...and this also goes to show he has issues with boundaries.. regardless if someone knows something that doesn't mean they should use that info... What if it had been a card or flowers instead of an email, any different?
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 What if it had been a card or flowers instead of an email, any different? Sent to her work.. yes.. way out of line.. She never told him her full name.. Given to her on the next date.. perfectly fine..
truth_seeker Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Well, that sounds nice, though generally messages on dating sites don't sound suicidal . . . so sounds like a special case. The message was odd as she told me how much she wanted to get together but also that she was having all these problems. Talk about a first impression! She asked me to write to her again, so I did to find out what was going on. Then she was gone. Since we've seen each there in person before, and know mutual people, I felt I should try facebook to see if she was okay. Then a month later my friend says he saw her and spoke to her. She never mentioned me or her troubles. I tried Facebook again asking her how she was and heard she was around. No response. She talks to my friend again a week later. I was very confused. I waited a couple of weeks and once again tried Facebook. No response. I even tried a friend request as I noticed she was adding people. She has tons of people on her page so i was thinking she missed my messages? It would get her attention. Friend request ignored, no response to my messages. I have no idea what happened. She nuts or did I get played?
dasein Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I think the florist and greeting card industry are crying about now, together with any women who complain that men don't do spontaneous romantic gestures any more. You can't send flowers to home in this day and age, and they don't have near the same effect. I don't send flowers to women I don't know well, but men still do. Are all those guys creepy? Will bet you there are 1000 or so batches of flowers being delivered to workplaces daily in the U.S. where there hasn't even been a date yet, maybe not even an introduction, some anonymous, some not, and bet you 990 of the women love it when they get them. OP would be one of the other 10.
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I think the florist and greeting card industry are crying about now, together with any women who complain that men don't do spontaneous romantic gestures any more. You can't send flowers to home in this day and age, and they don't have near the same effect. I don't send flowers to women I don't know well, but men still do. Are all those guys creepy? Will bet you there are 1000 or so batches of flowers being delivered to workplaces daily in the U.S. where there hasn't even been a date yet, maybe not even an introduction, some anonymous, some not, and bet you 990 of the women love it when they get them. OP would be one of the other 10. They wouldn't even send it to her without her name.. He didn't know her last name.. This isn't about sending flowers too early or whatever.. I've always been a flower giver.. sometimes if I had enough time to get to know her then on the first date... But.. I always knew her name..hahahahahaha
dasein Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 It's much -less- personal than sending flowers. Look, I think if OP wants to nix men on this kind of thing that's fine, she can find others who have a similar sensitivity level, said that from the start. I just take exception to the constant overuse of "creepy" today, and don't see the big deal here with what the guy did. I think it's probably an oversight he didn't get her last name also, they went on a date after all and she told him her work. If OP makes a point of not giving men she dates her full name, that's way over the top IMO and she did him a favor by blowing him off. There's quite enough stranger danger in the world today without ginning it up unduly.
phineas Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I was talking to a woman on match & she asked me what I did and I told her my type of work & type of business I was in. Then she asked specifically which company I worked for. Yeah, we haven't even met. I don't even know if she's a real woman. When I side-stepped the question she stopped talking to me. LOL! I personally only give that info out to people i've actually had a conversation face to face with.
CC12 Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I've got nothing to hide but it felt really invasive. I would have felt the same way and I probably would have asked for no further contact as well. Internet detectiving your contact info was inappropriate and you're completely in the right if you don't want to have anything to do with someone who doesn't have the same sense of boundaries as you do, and who apparently didn't mind potentially making you feel awkward or intruded upon by sending personal emails to your professional email address. That does show a lack of respect, in my opinion. (Edit: the lack of respect was surely unintentional, but it was there in any case.) 1
PlumPrincess Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 I think you are really thick. If I don't give an emailaddress to a person, he is not supposed to use it. It's as simple as that. Does not matter if it is available on the internet (that's for people who would have a professional request to me). Especially since the guy had other ways of reaching me. It's the spying that would bother me a lot. 1
udolipixie Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He already had a way to contact you. He chose to find and use a channel you didn't give him that is usually limited to your work aka professional email address. He could have just asked you for your email address, personal or professional. He chose to use your first name as you hadn't given him your full name only to look you up on your company directory and find your information. To me the lesson learned is not to give out any information to guys that may lead them to being able to contact you in ways you don't wish. Unfortunately now even giving your full name may pop up a google result of the company directory. I wonder at the things women classify as "creepy" today though, and at the oveuse of that particular term. Are those who overuse it really the fragile, timid, thin-skinned ingenues such overuse implies? It's like some of you caught a guy trying to peek in the window at a slumber party. "Ewwwww Creeeeeeepy!" Childish IMO. So is the way it is expressed creepy or it's childish to find it creepy for a guy to trying to peek through a window to most likely in hopes of being aroused at the people attending the slumber party?
2sunny Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He didn't ask permission! You can do anything as long as you ask permission. Since he doesn't do proper order it's not worth the effort... Especially coupled with the fact that he also has boundary problems. It is creepy! Women need to feel safe and protected. There's good reason not to give out too much personal info early on until a man EARNS trust. He already broke your possibility of trusting him by doing something he never asked permission for. 2
truth_seeker Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He didn't ask permission! You can do anything as long as you ask permission. Since he doesn't do proper order it's not worth the effort... Especially coupled with the fact that he also has boundary problems. It is creepy! Women need to feel safe and protected. There's good reason not to give out too much personal info early on until a man EARNS trust. He already broke your possibility of trusting him by doing something he never asked permission for. If the guy has a way of being in direct contact with you, and decides to look you up to contact you another way, then I have to agree with the women here who thinks it's creepy. He already has a way of contacting the woman so there was no need for him to contact her via her work email. The only way he gets a pass is if he lost her info or he couldn't get a hold of her on the dating website, then it would be fine. He would have to explain why he tried her on her work email. If he emails and says "what's up? Can't wait to see you again!" without any explanation as to why he looked her up and contacted her via her work email, then she has every right to think he's creepy. She's overreacting only if the guy is clear in his message why he looked her up, ie, lost her contact info.
Art_Critic Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 He didn't ask permission! You can do anything as long as you ask permission. Since he doesn't do proper order it's not worth the effort... Especially coupled with the fact that he also has boundary problems. It is creepy! A million years ago when I was single and doing OLD I was talking to this girl via the dating site and she was in a neighboring state. We were getting along fine but I was having my reservations about her and her profile... Well...I sent her my work email so I could work and talk to her without bringing up the dating site in my office... About 5 mins after I sent the email the phone at my desk rang and I picked it up thinking it was a supplier that I was waiting to talk to.. Guess what.. it was her.. She used the email addy I gave her and surfed the .com and found out my work phone and went thru the company directory and called my extension... Weirdest eff'ng conversation I ever had with a girl.. I certainly wasn't prepared to talk to her for 20 mins and the whole time I was fuming over her doing that to me.. I blocked and deleted her after that.. I will say though in all my experiences with OLD that only happened once..
truth_seeker Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 A million years ago when I was single and doing OLD I was talking to this girl via the dating site and she was in a neighboring state. We were getting along fine but I was having my reservations about her and her profile... Well...I sent her my work email so I could work and talk to her without bringing up the dating site in my office... About 5 mins after I sent the email the phone at my desk rang and I picked it up thinking it was a supplier that I was waiting to talk to.. Guess what.. it was her.. She used the email addy I gave her and surfed the .com and found out my work phone and went thru the company directory and called my extension... Weirdest eff'ng conversation I ever had with a girl.. I certainly wasn't prepared to talk to her for 20 mins and the whole time I was fuming over her doing that to me.. I blocked and deleted her after that.. I will say though in all my experiences with OLD that only happened once.. That's crazy! I stopped with online dating. Too many women do not tell the truth in their profiles with what they write and the pictures they post. One woman I met looked entirely different in person. She had pictures in profile from 5 years ago! I think the only women telling the truth online are the 60 plus crowd of gals. They just want a companion. The young ones are so damaged and dysfunctional, after weeks and months of dating it becomes clear why they are 30 yrs old and single. It's like they're all pinballs bouncing off one guy to the next.
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