PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It would not have been a problem if I had actually given him that emailaddress. But I didn't. Nor did I give him any other private emailaddress; so far we had been mailing via the datingsite that brought us in contact. He knew my first name (which is not a common name) but not my surname, knew where I worked and must have looked me up via the website of my work. I met this guy via a datingsite, we met for the first time yesterday and this morning I find this email in my inbox at work. I did not like it at all and told him I did not want further contact. I've got nothing to hide but it felt really invasive. It's a pity because he actually seemed like a nice guy.
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Is your email address on your work website? The directory is. If you know a first name you can find all the people with that first name. In my case that's only a few persons but the guy knew from our conversation what department I worked in. In any case he did not know my family name.
Emilia Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 So your email address is in the public domain yet you think the guy crossed your boundaries by using the information that Joe Blogg could also access down the road? 1
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I would say he crossed a line. He could have contacted you via the dating website. I would only give him a pass if there was no way for him to contact you, as in your profile was gone or you gave him your number and he lost it, so he looked you up to let you know. 1
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 So your email address is in the public domain yet you think the guy crossed your boundaries by using the information that Joe Blogg could also access down the road? As often happens with you, your reaction does not make sense because you have not read half of the posts you react to. The guy did not know my family name. So the only way he found my email was by searching the directory on the basis of my first name. In my eyes that is disrespectful. At this point in time he had no reason to search for my surname nor for my professional email since we were in contact via the datingsite. I do give my full name and personal email to my dates at some point but I want to chose at which moment. Joe Blogg would not search nor find my name. It would be someone who has a question about my field of professional activity. 1
Emilia Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I read your original post fully but as usual I find your overreaction ridiculous. If you don't want someone you met on a dating site contacting you at work, you shouldn't tell them where you work! Especially if your contact details are in the public domain. It's not rocket science. The guy didn't realise that you didn't want him to use all the information you so willingly gave. Clearly it's easy to find someone this way, you should have thought about it before and perhaps take partial responsibility for ending up in this situation. I wouldn't contact someone at work but there are a lot of people that do this. 1
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I would say he crossed a line. He could have contacted you via the dating website. I would only give him a pass if there was no way for him to contact you, as in your profile was gone or you gave him your number and he lost it, so he looked you up to let you know. I agree with you. He was able to contact me on the datingsite, as we had done before our date. I am not a secretive person at all but I don't really like to give my full name and personal emailaddress before I have met a couple of times with a guy. I had a similar problem some time ago with a costudent of my evening class. She knew my home address because we had been sending each other some notes. Then at some point she had personally put something in my mailbox at home. That felt awkward. I would not go to someone's home if I had never been invited there in person before.
Author PinkInTheLimo Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I read your original post fully but as usual I find your overreaction ridiculous. If you don't want someone you met on a dating site contacting you at work, you shouldn't tell them where you work! Especially if your contact details are in the public domain. It's not rocket science. The guy didn't realise that you didn't want him to use all the information you so willingly gave. Clearly it's easy to find someone this way, you should have thought about it before and perhaps take partial responsibility for ending up in this situation. I wouldn't contact someone at work but there are a lot of people that do this. I think you are really thick. If I don't give an emailaddress to a person, he is not supposed to use it. It's as simple as that. Does not matter if it is available on the internet (that's for people who would have a professional request to me). Especially since the guy had other ways of reaching me.
USCGAviator Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 OP I completely understand how you could feel weird about that. I'm sure it wouldn't be any better if he said he didn't need your home address cause he already knew where you lived!!
Emilia Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think you are really thick. If I don't give an emailaddress to a person, he is not supposed to use it. It's as simple as that. Does not matter if it is available on the internet (that's for people who would have a professional request to me). Especially since the guy had other ways of reaching me. Me? You are thick if you really believe this. Especially in this day and age when everyone is on social networking sites and constantly find other people's details on the internet. You must realise that boundaries are blurred and you have the responsibility to protect yourself.
TigerCub Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think the guy wanted to be like "Surprise!!, I like to show I'm thinkin of you!" - but it totally came off as stalkerish. You see it as disrespect, I do honestly believe that's an overreaction. Its not like he hired a P.I to follow you around and riffle through your panties. He probably googled you, or as you think looked at your work directory. Not a good idea, but not really meant as insulting either. 1
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I agree with you. He was able to contact me on the datingsite, as we had done before our date. I am not a secretive person at all but I don't really like to give my full name and personal emailaddress before I have met a couple of times with a guy. I had a similar problem some time ago with a costudent of my evening class. She knew my home address because we had been sending each other some notes. Then at some point she had personally put something in my mailbox at home. That felt awkward. I would not go to someone's home if I had never been invited there in person before. I only mentioned the part of giving him a pass because I had a situation with a girl on a dating website where we kinda knew each other off the dating website, through mutual acquaintances, but didn't know each other personally, and she removed her profile. In her emails to me she told me she was going through a tough time, so when she disappeared out of the blue, I thought something bad happened to her. I looked her up and sent her a personal email asking her if she was alright. I didn't think I was crossing line because I was legitimately concerned something happened to her.
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I agree with you. He was able to contact me on the datingsite, as we had done before our date. I am not a secretive person at all but I don't really like to give my full name and personal emailaddress before I have met a couple of times with a guy. I had a similar problem some time ago with a costudent of my evening class. She knew my home address because we had been sending each other some notes. Then at some point she had personally put something in my mailbox at home. That felt awkward. I would not go to someone's home if I had never been invited there in person before. You did mention he was a nice guy. Sounds to me you would like to give him a chance? Did you write him back? You could write to him and explain in a nice way your work email is primarily for work not for socializing. See how he responds. If he shows similar behavior again, over steps his boundaries, then you break it off completely. 2
Imajerk17 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) It would not have been a problem if I had actually given him that emailaddress. But I didn't. Nor did I give him any other private emailaddress; so far we had been mailing via the datingsite that brought us in contact. He knew my first name (which is not a common name) but not my surname, knew where I worked and must have looked me up via the website of my work. I met this guy via a datingsite, we met for the first time yesterday and this morning I find this email in my inbox at work. I did not like it at all and told him I did not want further contact. I've got nothing to hide but it felt really invasive. It's a pity because he actually seemed like a nice guy. (Yes, I read the entire thread so far too.) Chill out. Writing you at your work email wasn't the smoothest move by any means, but cutting him off for that is extreme. One reason why dating is so difficult is because of women who get twitchy as you're getting now--as in they read into things way too much and over-react and cut off a nice guy because of that. Just because he found your email online doesn't mean he is a stalker. Edited April 18, 2012 by Imajerk17
Flummox Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 This guy sounds creepy. Many people probably google others they are interested in, but contacting you via an email you didn't give him is crossing the line. 1
Imajerk17 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 This guy sounds creepy. Many people probably google others they are interested in, but contacting you via an email you didn't give him is crossing the line. Another woman who reads too much into things. Just because the guy did this doesn't mean he is a stalker. People contact each other this way all the time.
Flummox Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Another woman who reads too much into things. Just because the guy did this doesn't mean he is a stalker. People contact each other this way all the time. You can't tell if he's a stalker or not based off this, but he sounds like he's socially retarded, which is almost as bad. Socially retarded people are among the worst to date.
Imajerk17 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 You can't tell if he's a stalker or not based off this, but he sounds like he's socially retarded, which is almost as bad. Socially retarded people are among the worst to date. I'll say it again: People contact each other this way all the time! I'm not saying what he did was that smooth--contacting someone other than the channels that they already gave you is bad form in these situations, but again, it's definitely not unheard of. Again ladies, chill out. Your twitchy behavior makes dating harder on everyone, you included.
FitChick Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I've had someone email me at work and I simply requested that they only use my personal email. Not a big deal. 1
Chocolat Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I would not want to be contacted at work, either. But I think it's going too far to cut him off as a result of what he did. After all, he was only able to do so because of information you provided him (the name of your company and department you work in), knowing that your company has an online directory. Why can't you just tell him you'd like him to use your dating site email for now?
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think it comes down to the individual and how they take it. Some are more lenient than others. If I really liked the person, I would tell them in a nice way to not do that again. If I felt there was something wrong with their behavior or got a sense they were up to no good, then I would kindly send them a note saying I met someone else. I personally do not like blowing people off if their trying to be nice to you. That's just plain arrogance. Let them down easy. Only if a person is harassing you with insults, then you have every right to ignore them is my opinion.
zengirl Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I don't think it is disrespectful, but I would view it was weird and it would potentially put me off dating someone. If he wanted an email addy, he should've just asked for one. Not hard. When I met exBF on OKC, I knew his full name and where he worked, and I could've easily looked him up via his work directory (I'm not going to say I didn't Google him --- I totally did) but it would feel weird, stalkerish, and socially unacceptable to do so, so I had no inclination to do so. People who do socially unacceptable things are people I wonder about, honestly. Granted, there can sometimes be a fine reason or motive for it, but it has to make you go, "Hmm." In this one, it seems overly aggressive to my tastes. If I were the OP, I would say I wasn't interested and move along. I see nothing wrong with doing so. However, let's not pretend this guy necessarily meant it as a form of disrespect -- that seems a leap.
oaks Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It's a pity because he actually seemed like a nice guy. So now you know that he's a nice guy who knows how to use the Internet. Do you like dating geeks? Just tell him you didn't appreciate a personal email to what is obviously your work email account. 1
truth_seeker Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 When I met exBF on OKC, I knew his full name and where he worked, and I could've easily looked him up via his work directory (I'm not going to say I didn't Google him --- I totally did) but it would feel weird, stalkerish, and socially unacceptable to do so, so I had no inclination to do so. Would Facebook be included in this, too? I have had friends tell me it's okay to contact a person on Facebook, while others have said it's not a good idea until you meet them in person first. In my situation, I kinda knew the girl from OK Cupid and also in real life, so I went for it on Facebook. Bad move?
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