Chasing an Idiot

[the_endlessriver]

Hello everyone,

 

my first post - hello to everyone, again - and I will try to keep it short but as these things go it might be longer & a bit of a ramble.

I am a young woman, 24, and I have met a man. I have a relatively stable, happy life as is, including kids from a previous relationship, a somewhat (depending on his moods) respectful relationship with their father, friends I love & that love me back, an "interesting" family and second family abroad. I have stopped studying to raise my still very young children but will continue and then be ok on all bases. I am ok looking, ok thinking, nothing special in any area of life, sad as that sounds, but yet I have always had men / boys/ jackasses chasing me and falling for me. I am just writing this is a simple fact. This is how it is and always used to be like. I was proposed to more times than I can count, boyfriends of girlfriends have hit on me behind their backs, my brother's friends AND my father's friends give me advances. Short, I was ok with men. Two long-term relationships, seven and three years, in which I lived with the partner and was asked to get married by both as well as, in the second case, been blessed with kids. Around ten flings in my life, around a dozen men I have slept with. Nothing special there (I am European if this IS something special to someone here on board).

 

This guy hit on me on Facebook. We have one mutual friend. As the girls around here know, you get those guys with the "funny" and interesting messages wanting a response trying it on with you. He actually got one, because he caught me on an extremely happy day, when I was back in the States visiting my second home and best friend and sister. I was full of love and happiness in my heart, so I just wrote back, wanting to share the joy. I did not even check out his pictures, just wrote a stupid response to his stupid pick-up line. Then we wrote more. Than we talked. Then he got me with "I am not looking for coffee, I am looking for sex" which made me trust him (my first couch surfer I also considered "safe" when he asked me during the first conversation if I am shaved or not ). Then I went to see him. Yes, I went to see the guy, not the other way round. He has a somewhat busy job, but I have two toddlers. Went to see him a second time, went to see him a third time last weekend. Always Fr - Monday, always about an hour flight to get there. Now, I gotta say that he even mentions that I should be "grateful" or whatever that he picks me up from the airport and takes me there in the morning. He is Leo, if that matters to someone. He is in his mid-Thirties, but has zero relationship experience. As in never had one. I know there is one user on here, somedude81 (?) who is in the same situation but sounding more emotionally aware, even if misogynistic at times. Now, I am not looking for a relationship. I have even decided, definitely, that I do not want to live together with a man as long as my kids are growing up. I have always needed a lot of freedom and independence in relationships (this was in the fact the reason of my second long relationship not working out). I am selfish, too, just stating this for the record. So I do not want to be his girlfriend. But I want to belong to him. Or do I just want to belong to someone again? He is not really my type, physically, yet I started to love his body and face after waking up next to him a few times. He is definitely not my soulmate. Definitely not. He introduces people by their job description which I hate. We fight about politics (why do we fight about politics when we should be f******? Well, because, another point, he does not **** me enough. As in, once a weekend). He minds that I am a vegetarian. He minds me wearing lipstick. He minds me wearing clothes which make me look older (I do not like jeans and trainers, yet this is what I should wear for my age in his mind). He is too cynical. He changes David Gilmour to Dire Straits on the playlist (unbelievable, I know). But he is an honest guy. I believe everything he says. I like that he does not need me (like old relationships wanted, too much). I like that he is ten years older and not a love-struck boy anymore. I really like his face, eyes, lips. I am a kitten under his touch, but it is not just sexual, as there is basically no sex. It is also not really intellectual, as though he is smart, he is not a thinker like men I know from uni. He has his opinions and that's it. What the hell do I see in him? I miss him the moment I touch ground again. I think I do love him. But, it's been three weekends, and that's it.

 

Now what happened. Second weekend was good. Third weekend was good too, except that when he fell asleep early, I went to his computer to read on, out of all things, Feminism in the Quran. I tried to get the talk on relationships with him earlier, and he started to talk about Whisky, so I wanted to take my mind off things (for the record, he never said "I am just looking for a ****", nor "I am NOT looking for a relationship", as I have). I saw that he has 5+ dating websites in his favorites, including jdate. I felt physically sick. I ordered a cab online and went down. He woke up and went down with me, talking with me, we went upstairs. Speaking the truth, I wanted nothing more than to be out of his apartment the moment I saw these, yet I was happy to be in his arms again. In my mind, I reacted normal. Why the hell should I stay there if I was just made to feel so damn cheap? I told him that I have no claim to him. He can be on any site he wants. I did not even check his inboxes or anything, as I think this is low. I really just saw his favorites, and they included those sites. I just did not want to be in his apartment for one more second. I wrote a contract for myself on a piece of paper that this is it, that I will block him the moment I am back home. Which I did. And now he says this changed everything. He asked me to come with him to a trip in two weeks. He took this back. He thinks I am too much drama. We talked for two hours yesterday, he explained matter of fact that had I not called, he would have never contacted me again. As in, my going downstairs (that cab never came) was reason enough. How can someone be so cold? I asked if he could ever be in love with me, pathetic question I never asked in my life before. He said he doesn't know, basically implying I should kiss his feet for not saying no straight out. He is 34, does everything alone, has never been in a relationship.

 

I have talked with people on three continents about it. I sit in doctor's offices calling him. I don't even like him, including his political, one-sides opinions. But I miss him. He does not miss me (he said so). When I go out tomorrow, I will feel bad if I kiss another man. He thinks I wanted to hear "I love you" this weekend, but I wanted to hear "belong to me". So, now - what is this? Do I just want something I can't have? Do I get a thrill out of for once, not being wanted? Is there a chance we could be more, for a long time? He has a job where he needs to change places a lot, but I told him that if he gives me four years in my favorite country, I will come with him wherever (I can get my degree via distance study and I want to write later on in life). He is happy, because he has been happy without a relationship. I have been happy too, but now I tasted something and the taste doesn't let me go.

 

What do I do?

 

Thank you for reading.

Edited April 18, 2012 by the_endlessriver

[gaius]

There is probably a good reason he hasn't had a relationship before. He tells you all he's after is sex and then he doesn't have sex with you? Maybe you are getting off on not being wanted but it doesn't seem to bring out a good or happy side of you. I would just expect continued drama if you keep seeing this strange man.

[the_endlessriver]

Oh no, no. He is not strange at all. He is completely what you see is what you get. Also never said he is just after sex. That would in some twisted way actually satisfy me, as then there would be a reason why he'd ask me to come back again and again. If it's not love, it's sex. If it's not sex - what, he wants to be my friend? I believe him when he says he would let me know if he would not want to see me, but he doesn't. I am happy next to him. I think I can make him happy too. I just don't know if the intensity of my feelings are because of this, "instinctually feeling the potential", or if I just like the chase right now? You could be right about possibly getting off on not being wanted. F, that is sick.

[the_endlessriver]

He is on his holiday trip. Two weeks. Blocked me off social media. I am calling, from today, every day and leaving an "you are gone for x days, miss you, bye" message. If anything, maybe there will be a lesson learnt in this. I am in too deep already, firstly. Secondly, I have nothing to lose (except the pride I already lost). Thirdly, I am up for lessons.

Edited April 19, 2012 by the_endlessriver

[Professor X]

Stop being a creep and move on with your life.

[the_endlessriver]

 

You know what, it feels good being a creep. Like "follow your heart" good. I changed to the dark side.

My life is good. There is nothing to move on to. He didn't give a definitive no. I will try my luck.

 

-the creep

[Quiet Storm]

Also never said he is just after sex.

 

He didn't? I would take this statement as meaning that he just wants sex:

 

"I am not looking for coffee, I am looking for sex"

 

You could be getting off on not being wanted. Or you could be afraid that men aren't going to want you like that anymore. Having a couple of kids can lower your value for many men (not all). You could unconciously fear this, which is why you are clinging to this guy.

 

Also, the "you belong to me" thing. What is it that you actually want? You are upset because he is still on dating sites. You want him to be loyal to you. You want him to "belong" to you. But you don't want to be in a relationship?

 

I think you are lying to yourself. You want to be in a relationship, but you can't reconcile that with being a single mom. You want all the benefits of a relationship, but not the responsbility of being accountable to someone else. You want him to want you, and to be available to you at your convenience.

 

Most men don't get all wrapped up in feelings like we do. He can enjoy your company, want to see you, etc...but still be open to other relationships. Interest in you, doesn't mean he's going to stop being interested in others, especially if he knows you don't want a relationship.

[the_endlessriver]

Thank you for your message. You asked some good questions I did not (dare?) to ask myself yet. You also definitely illuminated the whole scenario to me from an outside point of view which is helpful as I am naturally too wrapped up in the story already. This is the first time I ever posted anything on a website and this kind of objective response is exactly what I was looking for.

 

But now -

 

I wanna make clear that I don't usually have my head in the clouds. I do go by reason most of the time even in "matters of the heart" , and in fact, as we "speak" am advising my friend on Skype to make the "responsible" moves in her love story . Also, English is neither my second nor third language, so maybe I did not explain myself very well. He wrote the sex quote on fb, and it made me laugh and open up to him, this stranger. It was basically "are you there, are you there" (him on fb), "still waiting for that coffee?" (me)- "I THOUGHT ABOUT SEX; BUT COFFEE WOULD BE NICE TOO". He had me at "...coffee would be nice too"

 

I love sex, but I was raised very Catholic so still cannot, ever, do the first move. I do hug him suggestively, wrap my legs around him when I am sitting on the counter, let him know what I would like right now. But that's as far as I will go. He could get it, he does not want it.

 

I absolutely do not fear that my value is lowered. There is absolutely no shortage of men that would "take me with my baggage" right now in my life. Absolutely not. I think you came to this conclusion because I described my dynamic with men as too important for me in the first paragraph, and I sounded arrogant. My intent was to describe the situation truthfully. I have never defined myself by this, or been obsessed with male attention in general. I'd say I am a flirt, but I am also the biggest Camille Paglia fan out there and honestly...am not even THAT good-looking to count on this and now be disappointed. The kids? First, they make me. I never thought having kids would be this eye-opening. I was not myself before them. Second, they are two cool rockets - I am blessed with their presence, and, in my eyes, (and this is maybe because they are also so very loved by my friends and family) any new person in my life should consider himself blessed with them as well. Not the other way around. I am a kids person, and I know there are opposites out there, but those men I would simply not be interested in, and as of right now I am still young / sexy enough to choose

 

I am proud of being a mother, and a mother of two at that, and I think, but this on a side note, that it is a sad state of affairs when the value of a woman goes down, at least in some people's eyes, when giving birth. This is what my inner feminist feels. Men might complain about their value being lowered when they gain weight, lose jobs, lose hair, I don't know. Don't surround yourself with people that make this an issue.

 

He, btw, does not mind the kids (and I hesitate to even use that expression). He seems sweet with them (not mine, he has not met them yet) and he might be rational enough to understand that there aren't going to be many women that are childless / not wanting to have kids RIGHT NOW in his age. We are ten years apart.

 

Your second point is interesting. Yeah, I was upset at the dating websites. I felt cheap. I flew, for the third time, to the other end of the country. I understood already, WHILE packing my stuff, that this is childish and irrational, but it was stronger than me. The reason I do not want a relationship is the "intensity" of my last one. I'll leave it at that, as I prefer not to talk bad about my kids' father. I do not want to find myself in the same situation. I gave up too much control and let the hand I held hold me down, as it goes. But - I like this one. I like him so much that fantasize about projects together. Life projects. I have a good feeling with him. I would trust him with my heart. And I would trust myself with his. And this side wants him to belong to me, simple enough. Without the (iron / velvet / plastic) bounds of a relationship.

 

You are right about the wanting all the benefits, without the responsibilities. Is that so bad? Is that so rare?

 

You are also right about the very last thing you said, and I preached this to girlfriends myself - " he is in it for the moment, he does not think marriage yet" blabla. My best friend & me do this on a regular basis to my sister. That is, WE are like that as well, we both have been pushed to go steady by dates / lovers - this is not a "men exclusive" thing in my experience. It's just different with him. This is why I find myself here, you know I want this to be something more. I also understand there is not really any advice out there as I can't do anything but wait right now, however it helped to write it down, and thanks for reading.

Edited April 19, 2012 by the_endlessriver

[the_endlessriver]

Day 2 of the creep mailbox plan failed, but at least spectacularly so. He picked up.

 

Was very rude, well, what I would consider rude. Said I do too many mistakes. Said I am driving this in the wrong direction. He paralyzed me in two minutes. My ex was around afterwards and talked to me about it, saying that this guy basically cracked the code and plays the game because he would never have a chance with "a woman like you" otherwise. Simply stated - I know what he means. I am "above his league" in looks, but it doesn't matter to me and I don't want him to become manipulative with such games about it.

What do I want? I want a profession of love from this poor guy, I think. And then to not be turned off and it to become something more, possibly.

Edited April 20, 2012 by the_endlessriver