Ula Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Hi there everyone! My situation is a bit complicated, to allow me to start with the basics. I am a 19 year old female about to finish my first year in college. My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years now, and we have been good friends since we were kids. We've always had a very strong, happy relationship. She's my best friend and an all around amazing person, and we are very committed to each other and very much in love. However, since we started college, things have started to go downhill. We go to the same university, just an hour away from our home town. I decided to live on campus, and she lives at home with her parents and younger sister, and commutes here every day. The only time we really get to spend together is between classes when she's on campus. Needless to say, that's not a whole lot. In the begging of the year, I noticed she was becoming less physical. Since the time we got together, we've had amazing sexual chemistry. Now though, her kisses never lingered for long, and if anything more than some kissing did happen, it was very rare. As in once every few months rare. This was very hard for me because I wanted that closeness we've always shared. I asked her about it, and she felt bad about withholding from me, and blamed it on the stress of being in a new school and needing to adjust. Once she got used to everything, things would go back to normal, she told me. The months went by, and nothing changed. In fact, she became even more withdrawn. I'm lucky if I can manage to kiss her once a day for even a second. There is more than just this, though. Her family life is not ideal for a young adult woman. Her mother, whom I have met many times, treats her like she is ten year old slave child. She is not allowed to go anywhere without permission, which she rarely gets, she does all the chores in the house because her sister refuses and her mother complains of arthritis, she is not allowed to stay over night anywhere, etc, etc. Her mother is also emotionally and verbally abusive to her. I have heard her tell my girlfriend that she is ungrateful, lazy, and undeserving of anything. My girlfriend was commuting to school every weekday, doing hours of homework every night, trying to hold down a part-time job, and taking care of cleaning the house. She is anything but lazy, and is a very respectful and tolerant person. Her mother, at one point a few months ago, literally and physically tried to throw my girlfriend out of the house one night, before verbally assaulting her. I was worried for her safety and in a rage, sent her mom a text message, politely reminding her how much my girlfriend does every day and how stressed out she has been trying to please her mother. Her mother decided that she hated me, and told my girlfriend I was not allowed to come to the house anymore, and that she should not text or call me. My girlfriend, who is terrified of this woman, can only communicate with me a few times a day when her mother is not around. My girlfriend has a long history of depression, and it has obviously gotten worse over these few months. She is completely stressed out and unhappy, and ends up taking it out on the only source that is really available for her: me. She's aware of her habit of losing her temper with me and belittling me, and is very apologetic when I point it out to her. I try to be patient and understanding, but obviously it stresses me out too. I would really like to see her get out of that house and out of that situation. Yet, because her mother is so controlling, her only real financial support, and completely terrifying, she is scared to leave. She also does not want to damage her relationship with her mother. Things have calmed down in her home life, and she insists things are "fine" now with her family. I am looking for an apartment this upcoming semester with a mutual friend of ours, and I really would like her to come with us to get her out of this abusive household. She knows it would probably be best for her, but like I mentioned before, she is afraid to tell/ask her mom about her moving out. I have been insisting for months now that she go talk to her counselor to figure out these issues and get some professional advice. Yet, she is afraid to tell her mother that she is going to a counseling appointment because she doesn't want her mother to get angry at her again. She does not want to ruin their relationship because things are "fine" right now between them. I'm nearing my wits end. I love her to death, and more than anything I want her to be happy. If all this stress in her life is resolved, I know our relationship will go back to the way it was before. However, I cannot sacrifice my own sanity to stay in this situation for however longer it may continue. Yet, she is my best friend, and the worst possible thing I can think of would be to abandon her in this hard point in her life. I apologize for this being so long, and there is still so much I feel that I have left out! Thank you for being patient enough to read all this through. Any advice is deeply, deeply appreciated. =)
Philosoraptor Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I feel for you, but you seem to know that it's not our job to fix someone else. This is going to be your call in the end, but we need to take care of ourselves first. If we don't take care of ourselves we lose the ability to truly help anyone. My goal would be to try to get her to help herself. Either therapy or just standing up for herself.
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