Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Stillwater - that is how I approached it! First WTF dude!?? and second pls don't let me be connected to this after sooo long. Selfish, yes but I couldn't believe after all this time he was (still) doing this. My husband understood the friendship for various reasons and was not judgmental because of various factors that included immaturity on my part at that age. He trusted I didn't want to go there even if he was single b/c it was done. My husband is not a doormat, passive or doing me favors by allowing me to have this friend. He knew him but what we didn't know is what we know now; he's been having affairs for a long time and now he's been caught. You are all right and I am putting this one to rest. I'm sad for the loss of a friendship; i will always feel this way but i'm also sad my friend continued to make bad choices. My husband has asked me to deal with it and let it go - he understands the pain b/c he knows me but he also knows that this person will always lie to get what he wants and chances are he will throw everyone under the bus to save his life. I'm sad for his marriage but I would have rather seen him divorce than to let things get this bad.
Bellechica Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It sounds like you and your H are close and strong. I hope you're friend is able to make his M work.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Need to ask, are you going to be strong enough if he tries to reconnect in a month or two? Maybe to try to either apologize for how he handled things by harshly telling you to never contact him again, or if he asks for the friendship to continue on? You need to be prepared on some level that he *may* reach out and for selfish reasons. Especially if his wife kicks him out and they D.
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 My husband and I are strong but we have our problems of course. I am not sure what I wish for this married man... I'm starting to feel like i don't know him at all... maybe that will help the process of forgetting our friendship. Nevertheless out of respect for his family I am going to do what has been suggested here and ignore if he ever tries to make contact - my guess at first is that he would but now i'm thinking he won't - i think he will want to disconnect himself from anyone remotely connected to his mistakes regardless if his marriage survives this or not. Maybe that's for the best. Seems like the right thing to do... 2
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Good question! Well first I'm taking in consideration everything I have read here today and more important how this has affected my husband. My hubby is angry that he friended a person who claimed to have changed since "we" hooked up. I don't think he will appreciate if I take his call and accept any form or an apology because that would be me enabling him or affirming his actions. What I have learned today is that IF I TRULY care for this person I will NEVER contact or allow him to contact me again. I do care for him and I don't want to feed his cancer. He can leave a message or text or email and say whatever he needs to say but my guess is he won't and now that I know that he is a serial cheater I'm not sure I want that. Don't get me wrong right now if he called I'd question if I should pick up and let it go to vm. If the vm was calm and not lashing at me I'd prob call back to try to understand the WHY all this happened. But I think overtime my energy will be focused on me not that friendship. Yes he was harsh but according to most of you he had to be harsh to protect his family even if it end in the big D. I'll take it. I think I will be able to resist answering the call - but between you and me - he won't call... I have nothing to offer him and I'm of no value to him. I bet almost anything but he won't call... I"m ok with that.
whichwayisup Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Good question! Well first I'm taking in consideration everything I have read here today and more important how this has affected my husband. My hubby is angry that he friended a person who claimed to have changed since "we" hooked up. I don't think he will appreciate if I take his call and accept any form or an apology because that would be me enabling him or affirming his actions. What I have learned today is that IF I TRULY care for this person I will NEVER contact or allow him to contact me again. I do care for him and I don't want to feed his cancer. He can leave a message or text or email and say whatever he needs to say but my guess is he won't and now that I know that he is a serial cheater I'm not sure I want that. Don't get me wrong right now if he called I'd question if I should pick up and let it go to vm. If the vm was calm and not lashing at me I'd prob call back to try to understand the WHY all this happened. But I think overtime my energy will be focused on me not that friendship. Yes he was harsh but according to most of you he had to be harsh to protect his family even if it end in the big D. I'll take it. I think I will be able to resist answering the call - but between you and me - he won't call... I have nothing to offer him and I'm of no value to him. I bet almost anything but he won't call... I"m ok with that. He's messed up, he's a liar, a cheater..No different than when he was with you (affair wise).. He never changed and since he continally lied to his wife, why wouldn't he lie or omit truths from you as well? Anyway, if he calls, don't answer. Write back in email if you wish, but only to say goodbye. Honestly, you don't need to know the why's and how's of this thing and WHY it happened. It doesn't matter..at all.
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Seems odd that you went to all the trouble to post about your Ex-Affair partner and not about the "problems" in your primary relationship (meaning your husband). You seem obessed with this "friend" of yours.
Wanderer25 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Wanderer....I'm laughing at your post. Sorry, sex wasn't a payment for emotional connection. He made the first moves but umm no way was sex something I felt I had to do. It did make everything worse though as it bonded me more to him.... Not good by any means to go that far laugh at your own self first. I am not saying that you did not enjoy the sex. But it often seems to be the case.
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 LoveHateIndifference - well said... you're prob right! I got tired of waiting for a guy to ask me to marry him again and decided to marry a poor loser years later. Nevermind I wanted to finish college and start a career before starting a family. But once a cheater always a cheater. I am always hoping to find someone that reminds me of my "old flame" just so I can enjoy the pleasures of an affair. I suppose it is abnormal to admit or share that every couple has problems because a loving marriage has none... I guess the fact that my hubby and I have as many differences as we share things in common makes for an unhealthy marriage. I can tell by the comments posted who feels a sense of responsibility to give sound advice and who has been crushed bad enough to lash at others. I'm not suggesting my actions were justified but I grew up and have a life I can be grateful for. If it makes you feel better having he last word by judging me or assuming how I feel so be it. I lost a friend - someone i love i will not apologize for that. He's a dirt bag for what he's done to his marriage, yes! I'm part of that from years back, Yes! But he was still my friend, my family knew him very well we grew up together and we grieved as well as celebrated many life changing events. You can't understand that and that's fine. But to judge me and post for your own pleasure that you know what I may do to further hurt others is just sad. I appreciate my husband for the relationship we have and the fact that I don't need to lie to him about the time I had an affair with a married man. While he didn't agree with my actions, he wasn't going to hold that against me because some people do grow up - not change necessarily but grow up and appreciate their lives. I love my life today but I also grieve a friendship that began at an early age... 2
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Furious - I joined this blog for the same reason you all joined. I had an issue/question in mind and wanted an answer. My "other problems" aren't problems, they are everyday issues all couples face that i'm comfortable dealing with but this was a messy thing and wanted to know clearly chose the blog where 95% of people had been screwed over in some fashion but at least I got the answer. I agree that i will never get the answers to why he behaved the way he has all these years so at this point we have nothing left to say not even goodbye. what's the point?
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I didn't mean to sound harsh. I just hope you put this mess behind you and live a happy life with your family. Best of luck
Wanderer25 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) LoveHateIndifference - well said... you're prob right! I got tired of waiting for a guy to ask me to marry him again and decided to marry a poor loser years later. Nevermind I wanted to finish college and start a career before starting a family. But once a cheater always a cheater. I am always hoping to find someone that reminds me of my "old flame" just so I can enjoy the pleasures of an affair. I suppose it is abnormal to admit or share that every couple has problems because a loving marriage has none... I guess the fact that my hubby and I have as many differences as we share things in common makes for an unhealthy marriage. I can tell by the comments posted who feels a sense of responsibility to give sound advice and who has been crushed bad enough to lash at others. I'm not suggesting my actions were justified but I grew up and have a life I can be grateful for. If it makes you feel better having he last word by judging me or assuming how I feel so be it. I lost a friend - someone i love i will not apologize for that. He's a dirt bag for what he's done to his marriage, yes! I'm part of that from years back, Yes! But he was still my friend, my family knew him very well we grew up together and we grieved as well as celebrated many life changing events. You can't understand that and that's fine. But to judge me and post for your own pleasure that you know what I may do to further hurt others is just sad. I appreciate my husband for the relationship we have and the fact that I don't need to lie to him about the time I had an affair with a married man. While he didn't agree with my actions, he wasn't going to hold that against me because some people do grow up - not change necessarily but grow up and appreciate their lives. I love my life today but I also grieve a friendship that began at an early age... I think the amount of concern you have for him is not good for your relationship in the long run. You husband was very accommodating to be friends with the guy you had an affair with. Maybe you don't realize the enormity of it, but you need to appreciate that. A point of concern is your total indifference to his wife. Like she never existed. I would be scared of if I were your husband. Edited April 18, 2012 by Wanderer25 1
Radu Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) I had an affair with a friend/married man for two yrs. We've known each other since we were kids. We stopped and stayed friendly but apart with little to no communication. I was contacted by someone who he had also messed around with and she exposed him to me. I guess I was more shocked than upset but I was sort of over him and I cared for our friendship more to protect him and warn him of this woman. I contacted him and sent him everything she had sent me so he could do some damage control. Two weeks later, the woman contacted his wife and it looks like now the family is shattered. We spoke right before the news broke to his wife and he told me we were good, we were friends, I had nothing to worry about and thanked me for my 007ish-intel. We agreed that it was best if we didn't talk or at least until things blew over; he said he had no ill feelings for warning him. Over the last few days I began to feel really bad and wanted to know how he was doing as well as handling everything at home; he's wife by then already knew he had been cheating multiple times etc... I broke my silence, sent him a text and he replied to never contact him again and would never speak to anyone connected to this nightmare. Now what? 20+ year friendship final? His family is broken and referred to himself as a weak man who fell for lust and flirtatious woman. He pursued me! He told me he cared. I stayed away for about a year. I was protecting him by showing him what this girl had done! Now I've lost a dear person in my life and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible? You did not have a friendship with this man (maybe on your end but not on his). You are partially responsible for his shattered family, because you said yes to his advances and sent him the intel. And the way you actually write about this (granted we can't gauge emotion that well over text) makes me think you are either a fool or a sociopath. Stay away from this man, he might have pursued but you are hardly innocent in all of this. Lady, get help ... for yourself, not for your lost friendship. PS: I can't believe how heartless you are, did this family have kids ? You complain about 20yrs of 'friendship' gone but you feel nothing for her (or kids) ? Edited April 18, 2012 by Radu 1
woinlove Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 cjrubby, your sequence of posts do not make sense. You start by saying how much you want to save your friendship with this man, how sad it is for you to think of losing that friendship. Then, when others suggest his last response sounds like he is trying to save his marriage and work on that, you say that he will not change, he will continue to cheat, he will not become a better person. If you really feel you know he won't change, will continue to lie and deceive, then you need to look deeper in yourself to understand why you feel so strongly about having a friend like that. From your posts it sounds like you have some romantic attachment to him and don't like the idea of him and his W reconciling and rebuilding their marriage. Also, to comment on another point you raised -- no, not all marriages have problems. Perhaps it is true that all marriages will have some problem at sometime, but many do not have problems at the current time. People in successful marriages solve what problems might arise and don't let them linger for weeks. If you think having problems in your marriage is just a typical state, that is another thing for you to think about. Perhaps these two points are related? 3
Artie Lang Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 i honestly don't know how you were able to keep in touch with this man all this time. you knew how your husband felt, yet still pursued a "friendship" with him. you should've taken it upon yourself to get some distance from him, knowing how uncomfortable it was for your husband. additionally, you gave this former OM the heads-up to the impending exposure he was about to experience-- WHY?! that should be none of your business to begin with. your duty as a wife and mother resides with your family, not with your former lover. your priorities are so far out of wack it's not even funny. 2
frozensprouts Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 OP, if i was to base my opinion of this guy on what you write, i'd say that he is well, a jerk. it sounds like you're forming your opinion of him based upon the way he was before...but instead, try looking at his current behavior...what does that tell you about him? It sounds like he is a serial cheater, and i know it's not pleasant to hear, but he used your friendship as an opportunity to get "something on the side'....in short, he used you. I know it may be painful, but perhaps it would be best to let go of the friendship and treat the situation as a "lesson learned" and move on... all the best:) 2
Radu Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I'm really afraid for your kids/family OP, you've displayed a total lack of empathy towards your family and your OM's family. 2
Spark1111 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I had an affair with a friend/married man for two yrs. We've known each other since we were kids. We stopped and stayed friendly but apart with little to no communication. I was contacted by someone who he had also messed around with and she exposed him to me. I guess I was more shocked than upset but I was sort of over him and I cared for our friendship more to protect him and warn him of this woman. I contacted him and sent him everything she had sent me so he could do some damage control. Two weeks later, the woman contacted his wife and it looks like now the family is shattered. We spoke right before the news broke to his wife and he told me we were good, we were friends, I had nothing to worry about and thanked me for my 007ish-intel. We agreed that it was best if we didn't talk or at least until things blew over; he said he had no ill feelings for warning him. Over the last few days I began to feel really bad and wanted to know how he was doing as well as handling everything at home; he's wife by then already knew he had been cheating multiple times etc... I broke my silence, sent him a text and he replied to never contact him again and would never speak to anyone connected to this nightmare. Now what? 20+ year friendship final? His family is broken and referred to himself as a weak man who fell for lust and flirtatious woman. He pursued me! He told me he cared. I stayed away for about a year. I was protecting him by showing him what this girl had done! Now I've lost a dear person in my life and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible? Why would you want a friend like that? He cheats on all the women in his life. He lies. You helped him do this once. Did you think it would elevate you in his eyes that at least you didn't rat him out like his next OW? Where is your self-respect? Why would you want his friendship at all? 2
Spark1111 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think fAP want to retain the friendship for two reasons: 1. If we can remain friends, then our actions weren't so hurtful, damaging, to others and each other, because see? We are still friends. It assauges guilt. 2. Yeah, we had sex, BUT we stopped and are STILL friends. It assuages guilt and makes it all okay again. Are you 17? If a man cheated with me, possibly cheated ON me, and lied to his wife about all of it, then threw me under the bus, WHY in the world would I want to retain this person's friendship???????????????????? What friendship? Friends do not f##k each other, especially when both are married. They respect each other's friendship TOO MUCh to ever cross that boundary. 1
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Maybe she thought she was special, the only one he had cheated with, only to find out there'd been others. She sounds more like BS than she is willing to admit. 1
stillafool Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I find myself wondering if your husband is aware of your relationship with this friend. Does he approve of you being so close with someone who was previously your affair partner? OP this pretty much says it all. I also might add that if MM's wife and your husband approve of your friendship then you have a right to it. Otherwise, it's over. 1
Spark1111 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 OP, if i was to base my opinion of this guy on what you write, i'd say that he is well, a jerk. it sounds like you're forming your opinion of him based upon the way he was before...but instead, try looking at his current behavior...what does that tell you about him? It sounds like he is a serial cheater, and i know it's not pleasant to hear, but he used your friendship as an opportunity to get "something on the side'....in short, he used you. I know it may be painful, but perhaps it would be best to let go of the friendship and treat the situation as a "lesson learned" and move on... all the best:) Look, OP....I understand you having concern that someone is about to get into a whole world of trouble, but you are not the one to save him. In fact, even alerting him to the impending s##tstorm so many years after the end of your affair with him, says.......that you still think what you two had was special, so special that you had to save him from the consequences of his own actions. You are not his wife. You are not even his most recent OW. You are a friend from long ago who had sex with him when he was newly married. Your actions in this matter say way more about you, and your feelings for this "old friend" than they do about "his friendship." Why? Why did you feel the need to save him from big, bad, new OW from the big, bad old wife? Are you the only one allowed to be the heroine who runs to his rescue when he faces a crisis? Is it your ego that is bruised in that he wasn't more appreciative of your efforts and now refuses your "friendship?" Because I think you have residual feelings here that transcend friendship, and if I were your H, I would be concerned. 1
nofool4u Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I had an affair with a friend/married man for two yrs. We've known each other since we were kids. We stopped and stayed friendly but apart with little to no communication. I was contacted by someone who he had also messed around with and she exposed him to me. I guess I was more shocked than upset but I was sort of over him and I cared for our friendship more to protect him and warn him of this woman. I contacted him and sent him everything she had sent me so he could do some damage control. Helping protect a cheater. Nice Two weeks later, the woman contacted his wife and it looks like now the family is shattered. We agreed that it was best if we didn't talk or at least until things blew over Here is an idea. If he decides to stay with his wife and things blow over, you shouldn't be contacting him ever again. There is no more such thing as "friends" between you two now. And if things blow over, don't disrespect his wife even further by staying in contact with him. However I will say, the wife would do well to get rid of his sorry arse. Over the last few days I began to feel really bad and wanted to know how he was doing as well as handling everything at home; he's wife by then already knew he had been cheating multiple times etc... I broke my silence, sent him a text and he replied to never contact him again and would never speak to anyone connected to this nightmare. Although its too late for him to start acting like a saint, its good that he isn't going to further disrespect his wife more than he already has. Now what? 20+ year friendship final? Yes, the day there was more between you two was the day the friendship ended. Now I've lost a dear person in my life Do you really think it is acceptable to his wife and his marriage if he were to still be in contact with you? and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible? A LMAO emoticon? Really? Is there something funny about what is going on here?
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