I had an affair w/ a friend. He's been exposed, !

[Wanderer25]

What about the time you you sent his wife an email about him?

[cjrubby]

Alice2012 - something ugly happened to you and i'm sorry for that. the comments i made about his life are what he doesn't feel ashamed telling people in general not me in private.

 

You are here for whatever reasons to validate your life or desires to judge others - who knows. I'm here because I had a question a question that was answered several comments ago. But for some reason you want to have the last word and be ugly about it when in fact you can't judge me based on only what you think you are reading. You don't know our history and what had brought us to this. All you know is the bit of info I shared and you based your entire advice on the assumption that I want to come out like a hero or on top.

 

Yes I contacted him after (What is Dday?) he was exposed because I was worried for him. You may not believe that but it's true. I suppose it is selfish to want a life long friend in my life but I'm happy in my current relationship and marriage. I have not cheated on my husband nor would I have cheated on him with this person. Stop assuming. I feel that the more you judge me the more I have to explain my life and where I am today. We didn't end up together because it was a mutual choise. We had an affair years ago (8) and survived it. I've since married and have a baby. Yes, I wanted my friend back but not for the reasons you assume. I don't care if I'm trash talking his marriage! It has to be crappy if they live this way. I think. Stop judging and advice or participate in advice based on the question and not your personal assumptions that you have a crystal ball and know our lives.

[cjrubby]

I've NEVER contacted his wife or exposed him. It wasn't me. It was whoever else he was cheating on his wife with recently.

[Wanderer25]

I've NEVER contacted his wife or exposed him. It wasn't me. It was whoever else he was cheating on his wife with recently.

 

So you did not mail to his wife about him anonymously when you had a falling out with him? Ok.

 

That said,

How old are you guys? Were you single when you had an affair?

[cjrubby]

You are wrong I got my response over an hour ago and for some reason I was blasted by you and a few others with comments that were about scorned woman. My friend (ex friend) was busted cheating or serial cheating - so far my name is not in the mix but he has shut me out nonetheless. The men here said although sad, you gotta let that friendship go and move on... that sums it up. aside that my life is ok, sad about this part, but otherwise ok. i feel terrible my actions contributed to this (a long time ago) but it was him who clearly couldn't stop cheating; If i had married him I'd be the one with my world shattered. I have to believe he would have done this to me also. Leave this couple alone... ? oh geez - I'm positive he'll be contacting some girl if not me to validate his life again very soon.

[cjrubby]

wanderer25 - one of his other mistresses exposed him. i had nothing to do with exposing him.

 

Anyway i'm done with this... thank you all!

[Bellechica]

I'm a WW who hasn't disclosed my As to my H. I too feel like I have ruined a friendship by choosing to have an A with a long time friend. I tried ending it over and over and I have been doing better with NC.

 

I think what you and I have to accept is that our "friend" is gone. We can't ever be the same. The connectedness changed that. The only way your MM and my exOM will be our friends are if my M and your MM M ends in D. I have chosen my family....doesn't erase the longing I have for OM but he wasn't "real"....just an escape. Your MM chose his family and he is hopefully doing all he can to save it.

 

You're doing the right thing by letting him go.....

I'm sorry because I know you're hurting. That's all As do....just hurt....

[irin]

you weren't much of a friend if your were more than happy to get involved in something that could ruin his marriage! weather you exposed him or not, you got involved in betraying his wife. normal friends dont do that. you are just an ex-ow

[cjrubby]

Please know your words are so heartfelt and deeply sincere; I recognize that. For a time years ago after our affair I missed him and wanted him in my life that way. But I let go and met someone great. We married and I stayed friends with this person. My loss is due over the friendship at this point. I feel like he will never be able to have girls as friends, understandibly so, but he was a friend. I just miss that part. I don't care about his marriage; if they work it out or ends in divorce, I've heard him complain about it for so long I don't know what's real or just talk. I just hope he finds whatever he is missing in life and stops hurting the wife. I kept our secret because i thought it was the best thing to do. guess i was wrong based on what i'm reading here. but i will forever miss my friend and wish him well... we destroyed our friendship the moment we had an affair; would have been easier to date and break up but we chose lies over honesty. I hope it works out for your family, I can't imagine the pain you feel but i hope it works.

[Bellechica]

Cjrubby, I think you should continue posting. It might help you work thru all the emotions you're dealing with.

 

Although I have heard some harsh things here about myself and my choices, it's been helpful to keep me focused on my M. You do need support....

Losing a friend is hard but you know ultimately he wil try to make his M work. He is lucky if his BW forgives him.....

[SandieBeach]

Cjrubby, I think you should continue posting. It might help you work thru all the emotions you're dealing with.

 

Although I have heard some harsh things here about myself and my choices, it's been helpful to keep me focused on my M. You do need support....

Losing a friend is hard but you know ultimately he wil try to make his M work. He is lucky if his BW forgives him.....

 

Wait, there is a difference between losing a friend and an affair partner. If Cjrubby's currently married and never cheated on her husband, then I do agree that her situation is different.

 

It is what it is though....this "friend" of yours betrayed his wife, and sounds like women just serve one purpose for him. Whatever you had in the past, he doesn't seem interested in it, and it would be the best thing for you to move on.

[cjrubby]

Bellechica - I agree with you on posting but the anger people pour into their advice and judgement based on what they think they know is hardly helpful. Your words along with a few others have helped me see the bigger picture. I want him to be happy married or not. I'm married now and our affair was many years ago. It is a friend I'm mourning. His wife forgives him that's on them and good for them but if he's going to continue that path of lies what's the point? I never want some scorned girl to contact me again to re-open my wound and tell me that she was hurt by him recently or again... I'm mourning the loss of a friend; what we did was wrong but I still have the feelings of a frienship loss. Most woman here only see me as a scorned person. So what's the use? My question was how can I get my friend back!? not I want my married man back! help me... ugh! so over it... Bellachica thank you! your are sweet.

[cjrubby]

Sandiebeach - You get my point. I guess I should have explained earlier that I am now married and our affair happened long before I was married. He clearly continued to mess around with othe woman but our friendship survived after 8 years of zero physical contact. My hurt is the loss of a friend.

[bentnotbroken]

As a betrayed wife I don't care why the OW exposed it I would be glad she did. Wouldn't make me respect her. Wouldn't make me think she was altruistic. But at least her version of selfish would give me back my right to decide my own life. You don't do that because you're still colluding with him.

 

I understand she may lash out at you, I am yet to tell Hs OWs BH because he may cause us to have to move, but I promise I will tell him as soon as I can, and I'm only delaying to protect my own life and that of my kids- not my H. He deserves the consequences.

 

 

:bunny::bunny:SO True!!!. I didn't give a hell who told me, as long as I had the opportunity to protect my life from continued exposure from STD's and the right to make choices for my life as a grown azz woman should.

[Bellechica]

I am still newly our of my A but it's not the sex I miss it was the friendship before the A. We used to help each other with advice about our kids. I think what you and I both miss most is the emotional connection with another person.

 

There may I still think you should keep posting even if it's not what you want to hear. You are mourning....I understand that. Some posts can hurt. I am avoiding the thread I started because I felt I was wasting everyone's time. You cam read it if you've got hours to kill and want to get depressed....sorry that's me playing the woe is me woman...

 

Anyway, hang in there....,

[Wanderer25]

Like someone said, you still had the affair when he was married. Exposure after this many years does not change the nature of the relationship. the friendship was forever tainted by the affair you had when he was married.

 

I am confused about one thing though. Did the wife find out about your affair too? Or just no female friends?

[Wanderer25]

I am still newly our of my A but it's not the sex I miss it was the friendship before the A. We used to help each other with advice about our kids. I think what you and I both miss most is the emotional connection with another person.

 

There may I still think you should keep posting even if it's not what you want to hear. You are mourning....I understand that. Some posts can hurt. I am avoiding the thread I started because I felt I was wasting everyone's time. You cam read it if you've got hours to kill and want to get depressed....sorry that's me playing the woe is me woman...

 

Anyway, hang in there....,

 

 

Not sure how much this applies but some one once posted that sex is the currency a woman pays with for the emotional needs the OM(MM) fills

[BetrayedH]

I find myself wondering if your husband is aware of your relationship with this friend. Does he approve of you being so close with someone who was previously your affair partner?

[SandieBeach]

I am still newly our of my A but it's not the sex I miss it was the friendship before the A. We used to help each other with advice about our kids. I think what you and I both miss most is the emotional connection with another person.

 

There may I still think you should keep posting even if it's not what you want to hear. You are mourning....I understand that. Some posts can hurt. I am avoiding the thread I started because I felt I was wasting everyone's time. You cam read it if you've got hours to kill and want to get depressed....sorry that's me playing the woe is me woman...

 

Anyway, hang in there....,

 

Belle, doesn't seem Cjrubby is in the same situation as you.

[Bellechica]

Wanderer....I'm laughing at your post. Sorry, sex wasn't a payment for emotional connection. He made the first moves but umm no way was sex something I felt I had to do. It did make everything worse though as it bonded me more to him....

 

Not good by any means to go that far

[whichwayisup]

Now what? 20+ year friendship final? His family is broken and referred to himself as a weak man who fell for lust and flirtatious woman. He pursued me! He told me he cared. I stayed away for about a year. I was protecting him by showing him what this girl had done! Now I've lost a dear person in my life and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible

 

He is being honest. He is putting his WIFE FIRST, his marriage first. Sorry but you get no say in how he handles this or him deciding what is best for himself. I'm sure it hurts, but the bottomline is, you DID have an affair with him, so what if it's over, he got caught and part of his consquence and fallout of his wife finding out the truth is getting rid of anybody tied to him and the affairs. You are on that list, like it or not.

 

It wasn't a true friendship..Maybe it was BEFORE the A, but once you two crossed that line, that innocent friendship with boundries ended immediately. In some sense you are the enemy and a cancer to his marriage.. It was a selfish friendship, one where you were hidden, away from his 'real life' and his wife.

 

Don't try to get the friendship back. If you truly care about this guy at all, respect his wishes - Don't contact him ever again.

[whichwayisup]

I just can't believe that now I'm held in the same regard that he holds those who went out of their way to really hurt him and his family. It's really sad to me.

 

But you had an affair with him too. The physical part ended, but the friendship was an EA. You're still have feelings for him.

 

You need to do what is best for him and respect his wishes.

 

Ninja'sHusband - I'm thinking you're a guy with less angry comments than the ladies above and I thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does hurt. I don't think I'm a better mistress (like someone stated above) I just stayed away. I hardly think that it will make me a better person to contact the wife and apologize. I don't know what will be of their relationship. Someone above stated that the girl who exposed him was classier for exposing him - I don't see it that way. She's insane for doing what she did and if he was gonna get caught it should have been by the wife or him confessing his sins directly. I'm not any better than anyone. I understand what you are telling me and I am staying away but it hurts that this friend is gone, just the friend I had since we were kids. 20+ years I was wrong... it's more like 30 years. I will forever be linked and though of negatively and that hurts. I'm sorry for those who think I'm pathetic but who has friends that have lasted that long? I'm a terrible person...

 

Reverse the situation. If you were the one who cheated and your husband told you to get rid of the guy you "had" an affair with, though he wasn't the one who told your husband, someone else did (though he gave you a heads up) wouldn't you say goodbye the 30 year friendship to save your marriage and regain your husbands trust again?

 

You and him crossed the lines and broke friendship boundries by having the A in the first place. All the platonic part of this left the minute you two had the A.

 

Sorry it hurts.

 

Focus on other friends and family in your life. Keep busy.. Grieve the loss when you feel sad but don't let this ruin you.

[cjrubby]

Let me address this:

 

The person I had an affair with is someone I have known for many years. In my early twenties four years after he married we had an affair and it ended. I grieved it but I don't remember being heart broken per say. It sucked yes but I was also younger and had less concern for the bigger picture. Fast forward five years, I met my husband and two years later we married. I told him about my previous affair because I remained friends with this married man. My husband was not happy or comfortable that we were "buddies" and didn't really understand it but over time and due to the fact that we live far apart it was no big deal that from time to time we'd chat about life in general. He got to know the married man and became friendly. It was all in the past, I was young and this guy was dumb for doing what we did... We now have a child, we're happy, we have our issues but we're not going toxic over them. I received a phone call from a person I had never met asking me if I had had an affair with this married man; I was shocked! It was so long ago. So I contacted my married man and told him. I don't think he ever told his wife about me. I told my hubby what was going on and he trusts that I have not been with him since long before we met. He wants us to disconnect ourselves from the drama b/c this guy has clearly done this more than just once since me eight years back.

 

My hubby understands that this was a dear friend overall but doesn't agree with his actions and if he was that "unhappy" he should have divorced long ago. But most importantly he doesn't want my name associated in whatever wrath is going on in his life. He knows I'm hurting for not being able to reconcile this friendship and understands that sadness but he doesn't feel bad for him getting caught however he got caught. What a sad mess. I don't know if he's cutting me off because of our past, because I passed info that was sent to me, because he can't be trusted with any female, because he resents me... All I know is that he is busted and on damage control. What I've learned here is that the friendship is gone, I'm also to blame regardless on when the affair happened, I had no right to check up on him, let the family heal privately and best stay away in general.... Sad but its all true.

[whichwayisup]

So for your own sake and your husbands sake, don't reach out to your ex friend and if he contacts you, ignore him.

 

Your husband has been understanding you were lucky he allowed you to keep the friendship going all these years.

 

Things end, it's sad but you have much more in your life that's important than a guy who has continually cheated on his wife. Don't worry about him, he's a big boy and can handle it.

[stillwater]

I received a phone call from a person I had never met asking me if I had had an affair with this married man; I was shocked! It was so long ago. So I contacted my married man and told him.

This is the part I don't get. I'm having a hard time imagining a scenario in which someone called me up to tell me my MW had another affair, that I would call her to give her a heads up. I think I would just shake my head and sigh. If I were to contact her, it would most likely be to ask wtf she's doing.