cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I had an affair with a friend/married man for two yrs. We've known each other since we were kids. We stopped and stayed friendly but apart with little to no communication. I was contacted by someone who he had also messed around with and she exposed him to me. I guess I was more shocked than upset but I was sort of over him and I cared for our friendship more to protect him and warn him of this woman. I contacted him and sent him everything she had sent me so he could do some damage control. Two weeks later, the woman contacted his wife and it looks like now the family is shattered. We spoke right before the news broke to his wife and he told me we were good, we were friends, I had nothing to worry about and thanked me for my 007ish-intel. We agreed that it was best if we didn't talk or at least until things blew over; he said he had no ill feelings for warning him. Over the last few days I began to feel really bad and wanted to know how he was doing as well as handling everything at home; he's wife by then already knew he had been cheating multiple times etc... I broke my silence, sent him a text and he replied to never contact him again and would never speak to anyone connected to this nightmare. Now what? 20+ year friendship final? His family is broken and referred to himself as a weak man who fell for lust and flirtatious woman. He pursued me! He told me he cared. I stayed away for about a year. I was protecting him by showing him what this girl had done! Now I've lost a dear person in my life and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible? 1
stillafool Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Why do you need to get his friendship back? You must have known this would be one of the consequences when you started dating a MM. I guess he is fighting like hell to keep his marriage together now and this is usually what happens when the wife finds out. Sorry, someone should have told you what to expect. 1
SomedayDig Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Yes. A 20+ year friendship is final because you were screwing him while he was married. No contact is absolutely proper from his standpoint. You won't get that friendship back as long as he is being fully transparent to his wife. Unless he wants to bang you again behind his wife's back. 1
Author cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I suppose I wanted the frienship because it was the reason I wanted to stop the affair in the first place. I knew it wasn't going anywhere and I was fooling myself to allow it to happen in the first place. I really though that if we stopped and gave it time we'd be friends again and we were. We just didn't hang out together anymore. I had no idea he was doing this elsewhere and I'm glad not to be in his life intimatelly but I feel bad for the person I knew has to be there still... I can't believe he lived a life of secrets all over the place. I almost don't know him anymore. I don't know if he's wife will forgive him but I guess I just didn't want to be the person who he regards in disgust. I'm not the one who exposed him. I was out of his life. When we spoke for the first time it was like old times and long before we hooked up. We didn't even talk about our hookups, I just didn't wanna go there. I feel horrible. I'm not a dumb woman and no one needed to warne me about the consequenses; I just can't believe that now I'm held in the same regard that he holds those who went out of their way to really hurt him and his family. It's really sad to me.
SandieBeach Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I had an affair with a friend/married man for two yrs. We've known each other since we were kids. We stopped and stayed friendly but apart with little to no communication. I was contacted by someone who he had also messed around with and she exposed him to me. I guess I was more shocked than upset but I was sort of over him and I cared for our friendship more to protect him and warn him of this woman. I contacted him and sent him everything she had sent me so he could do some damage control. Two weeks later, the woman contacted his wife and it looks like now the family is shattered. We spoke right before the news broke to his wife and he told me we were good, we were friends, I had nothing to worry about and thanked me for my 007ish-intel. We agreed that it was best if we didn't talk or at least until things blew over; he said he had no ill feelings for warning him. Over the last few days I began to feel really bad and wanted to know how he was doing as well as handling everything at home; he's wife by then already knew he had been cheating multiple times etc... I broke my silence, sent him a text and he replied to never contact him again and would never speak to anyone connected to this nightmare. Now what? 20+ year friendship final? His family is broken and referred to himself as a weak man who fell for lust and flirtatious woman. He pursued me! He told me he cared. I stayed away for about a year. I was protecting him by showing him what this girl had done! Now I've lost a dear person in my life and how can I try to get that friendship back or is it even possible? Seriously?? I mean, seriously?????????
Author cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Why do you need to get his friendship back? You must have known this would be one of the consequences when you started dating a MM. I guess he is fighting like hell to keep his marriage together now and this is usually what happens when the wife finds out. Sorry, someone should have told you what to expect. Stillafool - I appreciate your words. I saw some of the posts you've made and one grabbed me "What made you decide to get involved with your man knowing he was married? What did you find so irresistable about him?" I can't answer that question but from a person who hasn't shared your personal experiences I can honestly say I have learned from this lesson and hope to someday be a better person than I showed to be. Why do I want this friendship so much? he was a good friend long before the affair. We laughed and cried long before the affair. But you are right and all of you are right. I have no right to wish for anything and regardless if he's right/wrong or takes responsability I have to move forward because I too caused this family damage by simply being in the picture. I'm glad for your honesty.
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I realize it hurts...but there's a harsh reality. For their family to heal, you need to have no contact for life. His W is more important than you. I wouldn't hold it against him, but if he ignores you, that's the right thing. If you contact him at all, it's a risk to their relationship. Picture this, you contact him. He doesn't tell. His W finds the message.... more trust destroyed. He needs to not contact you at all and divulge any communication you initiate immediately. That's the way to heal. 2
Author cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Ninja'sHusband - I'm thinking you're a guy with less angry comments than the ladies above and I thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does hurt. I don't think I'm a better mistress (like someone stated above) I just stayed away. I hardly think that it will make me a better person to contact the wife and apologize. I don't know what will be of their relationship. Someone above stated that the girl who exposed him was classier for exposing him - I don't see it that way. She's insane for doing what she did and if he was gonna get caught it should have been by the wife or him confessing his sins directly. I'm not any better than anyone. I understand what you are telling me and I am staying away but it hurts that this friend is gone, just the friend I had since we were kids. 20+ years I was wrong... it's more like 30 years. I will forever be linked and though of negatively and that hurts. I'm sorry for those who think I'm pathetic but who has friends that have lasted that long? I'm a terrible person...
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Ninja'sHusband - I'm thinking you're a guy with less angry comments than the ladies above and I thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does hurt. I don't think I'm a better mistress (like someone stated above) I just stayed away. I hardly think that it will make me a better person to contact the wife and apologize. I don't know what will be of their relationship. Someone above stated that the girl who exposed him was classier for exposing him - I don't see it that way. She's insane for doing what she did and if he was gonna get caught it should have been by the wife or him confessing his sins directly. I'm not any better than anyone. I understand what you are telling me and I am staying away but it hurts that this friend is gone, just the friend I had since we were kids. 20+ years I was wrong... it's more like 30 years. I will forever be linked and though of negatively and that hurts. I'm sorry for those who think I'm pathetic but who has friends that have lasted that long? I'm a terrible person... 30 years is a long time I can understand that must be really hard. Maybe get some counseling to deal with the pain and guilt? Go out, do things. Meet new people. Use your guilt to fuel good things. HEre's a quote I found when thinking about my WW's behaviour, guilt and shame: Unworthiness is the worst indictment ever visited upon the human race. You have based your sense of worthiness on the past, while I base your sense of wor*thiness on the future. The future, the future, always the future! That is where your life is, not in the past. The future. That is where your truth is, not in the past. What you have done is unimportant compared to what you are about to do. How you have erred is insig*nificant compared to how you are about to create. from: Neale Donald Walsch: CONVERSATIONS WITH GOD, Book 3 It's a very religious source..something I saw someone post on FB and I had to track down the source.
woinlove Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 cjrubby, sorry you lost your friend. If you had read LS before you began your A, you would have seen stories from women lamenting the fact that they lost their good friend because their friendship morphed into a secret affair. This is a common outcome if you have an affair with someone you consider a friend. Not that it being common makes it any easier. As to being lumped together with the mistress who outed him to his W, this is also common. If he is really trying to save his M, then he has to take his W's feelings into account now, even though he may have ignored them during the affair. His W is not going to look more kindly on you because you tried to help him cover his tracks. She may even think that makes it worse (assuming he really is working on his M and being honest). Viewed from that perspective, he may understand your motivation for doing that but may now see that it just was another case of you helping him betray of his family and he may want to try to be a better person than that now. On the other hand, if the man is not really working on his M, is not really honest, is just trying to smooth things over enough so that he can continue cheating in the future and stay married too, then you likely will hear from him again. If that is the type of man he is, he can't really be much of a friend, because it is primarily about taking care of his own needs rather than extending kindness and love to others. So, either way, the best thing for you is if you really never hear from him again. Even though it may not seem like that to you right now. 3
bentnotbroken Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Ninja'sHusband - I'm thinking you're a guy with less angry comments than the ladies above and I thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does hurt. I don't think I'm a better mistress (like someone stated above) I just stayed away.I hardly think that it will make me a better person to contact the wife and apologize. I don't know what will be of their relationship. Someone above stated that the girl who exposed him was classier for exposing him - I don't see it that way. She's insane for doing what she did and if he was gonna get caught it should have been by the wife or him confessing his sins directly. I'm not any better than anyone. I understand what you are telling me and I am staying away but it hurts that this friend is gone, just the friend I had since we were kids. 20+ years I was wrong... it's more like 30 years. I will forever be linked and though of negatively and that hurts. I'm sorry for those who think I'm pathetic but who has friends that have lasted that long? I'm a terrible person... She may not have been classier, but she certainly was more honest. She gave his wife what neither of you felt she deserved....truth about her life. 4
Author cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 woinlove - thank you for your words and you are right. finding out about his behaviour during our time together and long after it ended was shocking and hurtful. now knowing what his life was like it's easy to understand i was one of many; i'm not better, just a number. no i don't want a friend like that. all the posts here have been brutal and honest but more important helpful to see the bigger picture and stop feeling sorry for myself. the wife's life is shattered and for that and many other things i feel terrible. i do need counceling because this behaviour is wrong and thinking i could stop an affair and never talk about it again is insane of me! Alice2012 - I was thinking of a friend who just had his world exposed in the most awful way possible. What the girl did to him and his family was cruel. She didn't just contact the wife and tell her the dirty deeds. She publicly humiliated the entire family in their home town. Yes, I had the nerve to contact him from a private number simply saying "are you okay? i'm sorry for your family" It wasn't a message to hurt, inquire, gossip or open lines of communication but it was message from a person (in my mind) that was feeling terrible to see this family shattered so publicly. I get why that was not the right thing to do but all I can think of is not the person that he is but the person I knew growing up. The person who would have been there for me and was there for me when people hurt me, when my parents died, when my brother took his own life. I have no right to know what is going on in his world now. I lost that priviledge the day I had an affair with him. I get that now. But as a friend I wanted to show him support as he had shown me so many times over - so yes, I had the nerve and now I realize that true strength will be never be in contact again...
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Yes, I had the nerve to contact him from a private number simply saying "are you okay? i'm sorry for your family" It wasn't a message to hurt, inquire, gossip or open lines of communication but it was message from a person (in my mind) that was feeling terrible to see this family shattered so publicly. I get why that was not the right thing to do but all I can think of is not the person that he is but the person I knew growing up. The person who would have been there for me and was there for me when people hurt me, when my parents died, when my brother took his own life. I have no right to know what is going on in his world now. I lost that priviledge the day I had an affair with him. I get that now. But as a friend I wanted to show him support as he had shown me so many times over - so yes, I had the nerve and now I realize that true strength will be never be in contact again... From what I understand a lot of those secret "post A" messages between my WW and her OM were exactly what you have described. I could see online(phone bill\account) that they happened, many of them. I could kinda tell that's probably what they were, because they tended to happen on pivotal days of our relationship...but it still hurt me to see her still communicating with him. Made me very paranoid, made me call her a liar in therapy because she was still hiding things from me. It might seem innocent and you do it because you care, and he probably feels he owes it to you to update you because you care...but it hurts the BW. Believe me.
bentnotbroken Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 woinlove - thank you for your words and you are right. finding out about his behaviour during our time together and long after it ended was shocking and hurtful. now knowing what his life was like it's easy to understand i was one of many; i'm not better, just a number. no i don't want a friend like that. all the posts here have been brutal and honest but more important helpful to see the bigger picture and stop feeling sorry for myself. the wife's life is shattered and for that and many other things i feel terrible. i do need counceling because this behaviour is wrong and thinking i could stop an affair and never talk about it again is insane of me! Alice2012 - I was thinking of a friend who just had his world exposed in the most awful way possible. What the girl did to him and his family was cruel. She didn't just contact the wife and tell her the dirty deeds. She publicly humiliated the entire family in their home town. Yes, I had the nerve to contact him from a private number simply saying "are you okay? i'm sorry for your family" It wasn't a message to hurt, inquire, gossip or open lines of communication but it was message from a person (in my mind) that was feeling terrible to see this family shattered so publicly. I get why that was not the right thing to do but all I can think of is not the person that he is but the person I knew growing up. The person who would have been there for me and was there for me when people hurt me, when my parents died, when my brother took his own life. I have no right to know what is going on in his world now. I lost that priviledge the day I had an affair with him. I get that now. But as a friend I wanted to show him support as he had shown me so many times over - so yes, I had the nerve and now I realize that true strength will be never be in contact again... She didn't humiliate his family....he did. And it the family wasn't shattered publicly, it was shattered in the where ever he was cheating on his wife. I would wager a guess that some people think sleeping with him was cruel too. What makes your cruel different than hers? Are you saying there is a hierarchy to deceit?
Author cjrubby Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I hardly believe he's on the right track. I think he's been caught and is only acting in his best interest. If he cared about his wife he would have stopped all this long ago. He's prob worried about his finanical future since she is in a position to take half and then some. He's worried about apperances. If he was sorry he would have stopped all this a long time ago including with me. Alice2012 - I don't know what happened to you but based on your messages it seems like you were cut deep and my post just re-opened a wound. I'm sorry. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I do miss my friend or the person that he was; the people we were before all this. His attempt to shut down contact came too little too late. If he was on the right track he would have done so before he was caught. He was busted and survival mode kicked in. He's an ass clown for thinking that now he can act like an alter boy and all will be forgiven. But the truth is this... He will always cheat on her because he can. She will stay if she decides to stay because financially he makes sense and she likes her status. He has ZERO
beenburned Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 The MM caused all of the sh** that is now coming his way. It's a wonder it didn't happen sooner since he was a serial cheater. He is the one that caused his entire family embarrassment by his actions. I applaud the OW that told his wife the truth, as it might have saved her life from STD's. Now she can choose whether she wants to kick him out or reconcile, based on what he is really like. 5
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 I hardly believe he's on the right track. I think he's been caught and is only acting in his best interest. If he cared about his wife he would have stopped all this long ago. He's prob worried about his finanical future since she is in a position to take half and then some. He's worried about apperances. If he was sorry he would have stopped all this a long time ago including with me. Alice2012 - I don't know what happened to you but based on your messages it seems like you were cut deep and my post just re-opened a wound. I'm sorry. I am not trying to hurt anyone. I do miss my friend or the person that he was; the people we were before all this. His attempt to shut down contact came too little too late. If he was on the right track he would have done so before he was caught. He was busted and survival mode kicked in. He's an ass clown for thinking that now he can act like an alter boy and all will be forgiven. But the truth is this... He will always cheat on her because he can. She will stay if she decides to stay because financially he makes sense and she likes her status. He has ZERO respect for her because of his actions. The woman in his life are no better, I'm awful and feel it. But I made the decision to stay away from him and he chose to find someone else... If he was happy at home that never would have happened. He didn't give a crap about me, I was one of however many... I was wrong about him. "For the record its not my job to console him" Yes, I feel that I had every reason to reach out and see if my friend was okay. He shut me down, fine. It's very sad that it ended this way because it never should have started but the wife - is not my problem. I did not make her vows. If he didn't care enough not to cheat on her than why should anyone else? This is his problem. He's on damage control alert and shutting people out because he's been humiliated. I think that the gentleman here are correct - they make compelling arguments and statements instead of jumping to insults when helping others understand the bigger picture. No I don't want a friend like that, its best I stay away and move forward with my life. If he contacts me again (I'm sure in time he will) I'll be in a better place than to open that chapter and re-live any pain. If you were cheated on and you are speaking as a ex wife or formal girlfriend I'm so terribly sorry! But in the end you gotta put the blame where it belongs. My question in the beginnig was about the friendship not the affair or trying to inject myself into his world again. I was simply asking what happens to the friendship. I have my answer, its destroyed. Now I can move on... 1
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Bentnotbroken - I'm not sure why you feel that I'm in anyway feeling like I'm better than anyone else any of the other woman? I have accepted my wrongs - I know what I did and I stopped it years ago. I had no idea this was still going on in his life. I didn't contact his wife because it wasn't my place to and that doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else. I think that people that expose others are not getting what they want and do the exposing not for a greater good but to cause damage and hurt whomever rejected them. My way to live with myself was to move on and do right by my life and not have on ongoing lie of a lifestyle. I lost a friend... A person that before all this was a good person. A person that I don't see in him right now but back then was always in my corner helping me through difficult moments in life. A person who was always the first to celebrate the good moments in life and a person who enouraged others to do better... That's what I will miss. That's what I was hoping to get back in time but you all have helped me see a much bigger picture (more the guys) and I thank you for it. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone in asking a question from the other womans perspective.
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Alice2012 - We couldn't have been more wrong about each other. I made a judgment based on what I was reading. I seemed to me that you'd been hurt this way and were giving me the advice of what the wife is going through. I didn't marry him when he asked, he skipped the part of dating and just asked because he said we already knew each other so there was no reason to "interview." I chose a different path. When I finally decided to date him we were different people and our career choices were (at the time) more important. We settled for an affair when it presented itself and I feel terrible that it had to happen at a time when I should have been a better friend and stopped it. I'm not scorned. He's been in and out of my life for so long it was natural when we didn't talk but it was hard after we ended the affair because I felt emotional... He separated from his wife for a few months and called me; I was in another country working for several weeks and made myself unavailable because I didn't want to be a re-bound... How dare I now expect this person to give me status??? I'm a joke... I know... They got back together only I never learned the details to why they separated back then. Long story short. We stopped talking for about a year until this girl popped in my life to start her vengince quest. I called him to tell him what I was exposed to and it all went down hill from there. Yes, his wife knew that he had asked me to marry him a long time ago and that we were friends but I don't think he ever admitted our affair. I feel ****ty for everything in my part. But you couldn't be more wrong. I only contacted him because the other girl was inquiring about his life in a way that raised flags. If I hadn't sent him that info she would have exposed him anyway... I'm not a winner nor was I looking to be one. I was only wishing that our frienship could survive after all these years. BUT NOW I HAVE MY ANSWER! No need for anymore ugly comments or judgments. Thank you all for your advice and mostly to the men who were compelling in helping me see a greater picture. Bye
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 lovehateindifference - Wow! I'm not sure where you are all getting that I'm crazy here. I'm not stalking anyone. I'm not better than any other of the girls he cheated on the wife with... I was only asking a question about a friendship.
2sunny Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 If you are the friend you claim to be - you won't contact him ever again! You changed that "friendship" the minute you spread your legs. And don't ALLOW him to contact you either after the dust settles. Have some respect for his marriage. That's what he's asked for. You owe his wife that from here forward.
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 2sunny - I will. I'm sure it will be difficult but I have to out of respect for everyone even if the respect comes too late on my end. I'll never speak with him again regardless if he is the one who inniciates contact. It is the least I could do after taking part in ruining the life of an innocent person. 3
Author cjrubby Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 And by the way all... I know what I did wrong in all this regardless on when it happened. I deserve massive ugly karma. So no need to be ugly or send me ugly comments anymore. Thanks again to all of you for reading and helping.
The Blue Knight Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Ninja'sHusband - I'm thinking you're a guy with less angry comments than the ladies above and I thank you for your kind words. Yes, it does hurt. I don't think I'm a better mistress (like someone stated above) I just stayed away. I hardly think that it will make me a better person to contact the wife and apologize. I don't know what will be of their relationship. Someone above stated that the girl who exposed him was classier for exposing him - I don't see it that way. She's insane for doing what she did and if he was gonna get caught it should have been by the wife or him confessing his sins directly. I'm not any better than anyone. I understand what you are telling me and I am staying away but it hurts that this friend is gone, just the friend I had since we were kids. 20+ years I was wrong... it's more like 30 years. I will forever be linked and though of negatively and that hurts. I'm sorry for those who think I'm pathetic but who has friends that have lasted that long? I'm a terrible person... It's been said by others, but once you cross that line my dear it can never return to what it once was. If you cherished the friendship, you should have avoided the next step because you can't rewind time or undo adultery. He's doing what he needs to do at this point. You should just respect that and move on.
The Blue Knight Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 And by the way all... I know what I did wrong in all this regardless on when it happened. I deserve massive ugly karma. So no need to be ugly or send me ugly comments anymore. Thanks again to all of you for reading and helping. You have to realize that there are a lot of individuals here who see you as the same type of person who got involved with their spouses and broke up their marriages. Don't think of them as bad people. They are struggling with their own demons.
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