Living together before marriage - your thoughts!

[Lil1]

I read this interesting article in the NEw York Times today about couples who live together before getting married and wondered what your thoughts are on this cohabitation trend.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/15/opinion/sunday/the-downside-of-cohabiting-before-marriage.html?pagewanted=2&ref=general&src=me

 

In my experience, living with a SO has been a learning experience, but now that I'm older and after having been through it, I don't think I will be cohabiting with an SO unless there are clear expectations for marriage.

 

Is that fair? Would I want someone to place those types of demands on me?

 

No.

 

But living together out of convenience? Isn't that what drains the passion out of a relationship eventually? It's easier to lose sight of your own goals and perhaps of who you are when you allow yourself to, as the article states it, "spend too much time on a mistake".

 

I'd love to hear your opinions!

[darkmoon]

i know some will say not but to me the legal document that is a marriage certificate protects women and children and marriage itself gets you romance

 

i do not want to share a flat til row do we part and be the rarely noted unpaid timewasting au pair/charlady/cook

Edited April 17, 2012 by darkmoon

[lv1028]

I've done it and it didn't work out. It's one thing if you're 20, another if your 40. Many will say you need to get to know someone first before marriage and that is the best way with which to find out. I've seen many live together first and it ended, and others who became engaged while living together. And guess what? 10 years later and they are still engaged and living together! I'm not saying it can't work. But living together is easy (you can leave at any time). Marriage is a commitment, a piece of legal paper, that says I feel very strongly about you and want you to be around for ever and I am willing to prove it by making it legal. Many who I know that 'just' live together are basically roommates now.

[Ursa]

I have lived with every one of my very, very serious boyfriends--including my husband.

 

Obviously the other two didn't end in marriage, but I'm thankful for that every day. They didn't end up in marriage, because as it turned out, we were incompatible, and it's a great thing that we figured that out before doing something stupid like marrying each other--I am 100% certain those marriages would have been short-lived and ended in tears. I take marriage very seriously, which is why I waited to know that it was right.

 

I do think that couples can conceivably run into trouble if they are marriage-minded, yet they allow the living together period to languish on and on for many years. My own personal timeline, however, would be to live with the person for at least a year to two years before marrying them, giving us a chance to get to know each other at really deep levels and work out some kinks.

 

If a couple runs out of passion after only one year of living together, that suggests to me some level of incompatibility and that they weren't meant to be, rather than that living together kills passion. I have been living with my husband for seven years now, there is of course familiarity and comfort, but there is also still passion and romance.

 

That being said, I don't think you (general you) can move in together only for convenience' sake and expect marriage to be around the corner. Move in just for convenience, if that's why you want to live together--if marriage is what you want to work toward, that should be made very clear before moving day.

[lv1028]

good idea--have a goal/plan and discuss before moving in. It's also another thing to be engaged and then move in together before wedding (I have no problem with that). But to live together 'just because'...not a good idea. That would be more for convenience rather than a 'trial run' so to speak.

[Philosoraptor]

I wouldn't live with anyone I didn't believe I would marry. But I do believe it's important to be around someone and get to know who they are when not at their best.

[TigerCub]

A FWB asked me to live with him - the answer to that was Hells to the NO!

In that case, living together would just be so that he didn't have to actually put in effort to date me, he'd get 1/2 the rent taken care of and I have a car, he doesn't.

 

So yeah...in that case, definitely no.

 

My current boyfriend (whom I've been with for 1.5 years now) and I are planning to move in together in the fall - but in this case, we both know that this is headed towards marriage - so in this case, I'm definitely excited and looking forward to that new chapter.

 

Moving in when both are headed in the same direction and are serious about the R, I think is a good thing, if there is a time line in mind.

 

Moving in just for the **** of it, isn't a good idea IMO.

[carhill]

I've been married once and didn't live together before getting married. No surprises. I've historically always lived alone and don't see the point in sharing my domicile with someone I'm not married to, as my relationship style is marriage-centric.

[zengirl]

I've lived with a man who I didn't marry. Living with him was not a factor, one way or the other, in determining incompatibility or progressing to or away from marriage. We weren't meant to be for a variety of reasons that were easily seen before living together and ignored because of youth and the place in our lives. He did propose, fwiw, so living together didn't hinder him from feeling the onus to propose; I've seen many men propose after living with a woman so the "free milk" theory seems wrong to me.

 

I didn't really live with my hubby before marriage (I had my own place) but I was de facto living there for ages, staying every night, half my stuff there, had a dresser and closet designated for me, bought groceries there, etc. That's been the dynamic with every serious BF I've had for ages (though sometimes it was my place we were de facto living at or both places -- hubby has a dog, so that's why his place). We moved in after the engagement but before the marriage (we were engaged for less than a month and already planning to move in together before he proposed).

 

I'd say . . . it just doesn't matter. I'd NEVER have moved in with someone who wanted to do it as some kind of "trial" though. I agree people need to be sure and secure in the R, in general, whether that includes a talk about it heading towards marriage or not, to move in together. I cannot imagine getting to know someone dramatically better after moving in because I can't imagine going from seeing someone a couple of times a week to moving in. I've often spend most nights with a SO anyway, regardless of living arrangements, and been close to as involved in their lives as I was when living with them.

[setsenia]

It's funny how statistics suggest that marriage before living together is more successful than living together first. I've seen statistics suggest that people who want to put marriage to the test by living together first bail real quick if it doesn't work out. But it's hard to imagine getting married before you know what it's like to live with them, but I guess it works.

[CarrieT]

I lived with my no ExH a few months before we got married - divorced after five years.

 

I subsequently lived with three long-term BFs; 2 1/2 years, 11 years, and 2 1/2 years. In no way did I ever want to marry any one of these guys as I inherently knew the relationships were not going to last and knew how expensive divorces are.

 

I am now seven months into a relationship and we know we are going to live together by the end of the year (waiting until his kids get to know me better).

 

I am sure we will also eventually get married and I am okay living together first. We both fully believe (after both of us having multiple relationships) that this will be the final relationship for both of us. I am 48 and he is 52.

[Lil1]

Thank you all for your responses. It's interesting to see that most people agree that it's a good idea to live together with an SO before mariage but only when marriage is indeed an option that has been discussed between both parties. Seems sensible.

 

CarrieT, would you say that you lived with your long term BFs out of convenience then since you knew that they were not good marriage prospects? Did this make it easier to leave?

 

I have to admit that my previous living arrangements with my LTRs were mostly out of convenience. This did not make the break ups any easier for me though. Even though I instinctively knew that these relationships would come to an end, the fact that I LIVED with them made it more difficult to let go of that person. Separating our lives (the technical aspect as well as emotionally) was, in my opinion, a much more difficult process than if we had lived separately. Was the experience worth the pain? - In my case, yes. I do not regret having lived with either of my exes and I am indeed thankful for the experience:)

 

Darkmoon I was very interested in your response. I don't know if I want to get married. Let alone have children. I do know that I want a life partner. Someone I can grow old with and share my life with. I guess the trick will be to find that special someone who understands what commitment for life is (whether or not they believe in the institution of marriage - because quite frankly I don't know how I feel about it myself!). I think romance will be there regardless, if there is real love.

 

But now that I know what it entails to truly share your life with an SO I don't think I will be enetering into such an arrangement just because (or mostly because) it is convenient. He will have to be screened thoroughly!

[RiverRunning]

There are two schools of thought in the live-together-before-marriage camp: those who are 'trying before buying' and those who are very serious about it and treat it like it's just the next step before marriage.

 

I think my ex was in the latter category, in retrospect. At the time, I was very paranoid from other relatives making comments about how he would now 'never' 'buy the cow' because he was getting it for free. I began doubting him, especially as we crossed a year living together. I became very distrustful and started distancing myself from him.

 

In retrospect, he was willing to do practically everything for me. He was very much showing all the signs that he intended to get married. But I think we entered a feedback loop: I doubted him. Because of that doubt, I sent out signals to him that I wasn't interested in marrying. In response, he took these signals to heart and we never got engaged. I perceived the lack of engagement as a sign that he really WAS just getting the milk for free and that he would, after he got tired of me, go meet another woman and propose to her within 6 months or something.

 

Living together before marriage is a GREAT idea, IMO, as long as you are very clear about your expectations beforehand. We were both clear about our expectations beforehand but they grew more iffy with time, especially when we started having communication breakdowns. Deadlines need to be set. "By October 1st, I would like to be engaged. If we're not engaged, I'm going to move out and live with my parents/on my own/etc." Only you can then decide if it's good to continue dating from a distance until a proposal comes, or if it's time to move on.

 

Most women end up marrying (75%) the first guy they live with now, so clearly this perception that if a woman moves in with a man, he will NEVER propose to her is very wrong (in fact, the stats commonly cited in favor of 'he'll never marry you' date back to 3 decades ago, when living together was less of the norm before marriage than it is now).

 

Sure, plenty of live-in romances end too. Just like plenty of people who marry first then live together had several break-ups before finding their future husband/wife. A living together relationship that breaks up before marriage likely would just end up in divorce after marriage. Really, when you compare the number of live-in relationships that break up versus marriages that wind up in divorce, there isn't that much of a difference.

 

I do think there is a tendency to see living together as 'try before you buy.' I started to view my relationship that way - partly as a self-defense mechanism. When push came to shove and he didn't propose, I felt I could coolly walk away telling myself, "I wasn't as emotionally invested and I was just trying it out anyway." Had we married first, or if we had been VERY serious about getting engaged from the start of living together, I probably would have felt more secure and would have treated it less like a trial run. I would have treated it more like a step toward marriage.

 

Of course, our families were very conservative. There was a lot of stress when we first moved in together. As you can guess, most of that stress is on the woman ("She's a whore"/"He's getting the milk for free"/other hurtful variations). That didn't help our live-in situation.

 

Eventually I left for a few reasons, among them that he never seemed to want to move forward in life. He's been contacting me a few times and we met up once. Who knows what will happen.

[irin]

never done it, not interested either, i have no desire, unless married,

[findingnemo]

I asked my girlfriends this question over drinks. There seems to be a consensus among them that living together almost guarantees that you don't get M. They all agree that had they lived with their spouses they would have definitely not have married them. That the only reason people get M is because they don't really know their partners.

 

I don't know... I lived with my H for 8 months but he'd already proposed. In those 8 months I saw nothing but a loving man. I would want to live with my partner for at least 2 years before M. I think this allows a couple to be themselves, strips away the pretense, etc.

[CarrieT]

CarrieT, would you say that you lived with your long term BFs out of convenience then since you knew that they were not good marriage prospects? Did this make it easier to leave?

 

At the time - because my divorce was so expensive - I never considered marrying again so I believed that my co-habitation was a life-long endeavor.

 

It did not make it easier to leave because I was emotionally invested in the relationships and worked at them as though they were never going to end.

 

With my last, alcoholic Ex, even though we weren't married we had a business together so ending the relationship was just as complicated as a divorce and involved lawyers and settlements.

 

For me, I believe it was age and maturity that is now making marriage desirable again. But it took me twenty-some years of three non-married long-term relationships to have faith restored in the concept of marriage.

[g450]

Living together is an absolute necessity IMO. Do it for at least a year.

 

If you cant get along in that year together then you basically avoided a bad marriage and divorce.

[OliveOyl]

The whole "cohabitation is more likely to lead to unsuccessful marriages or divorce" argument hinges upon one key factor: that the goal is to GET married, as written in yet another article on this subject.

 

I do not have marriage as a goal. Life partnership -- Yes. Marriage -- not particularly, at least not right now. I can see some practical benefits of marriage, of course, but I am on the fence about whether marriage is truly important (been there, done that, got it out of my system).

 

So my very timely question (as I'm moving in with my BF next week), where does cohabitation fit in, if the goal is not specifically to get married? Does such a relationship become ambiguous, or more likely to turn into a "roommate relationship" (which I DO NOT want)?

 

A bit of additional information... we are not "sliding" into living together, as most couples do and as I did with my ex. Because of distance (45 min. away) and schedules, we have only seen each each other usually 1-2 times a week for the entire year we have been together. This will be a big step in our relationship.

[Lil1]

I do not have marriage as a goal. Life partnership -- Yes. Marriage -- not particularly, at least not right now. I can see some practical benefits of marriage, of course, but I am on the fence about whether marriage is truly important (been there, done that, got it out of my system).

 

So my very timely question (as I'm moving in with my BF next week), where does cohabitation fit in, if the goal is not specifically to get married? Does such a relationship become ambiguous, or more likely to turn into a "roommate relationship" (which I DO NOT want)?

 

I struggle with this question also Olive. I think regardless of what your goal is (marriage/life partner) it is a good idea for you both to discuss your long term goals. What are his thoughts regarding marriage? Maybe set a timeframe for both of you for when you will have the next big discussion about where you're heading in the relationship (maybe a year after you've been living together?). You never know, maybe after living with him for a year or two you may find yourself wanting more. I also think it's extremely important to keep your own social life - have your own friends (ok if mutual but go out by yourself with them from time to time), and also keep working towards your own goals. Be careful of monotany and routine - that is what turns a relationship into a 'roomate relationship' IMO. Good luck with your move Olive, I hope it is a seamless transition!

[Snow-white]

You DEFINITELY should live together before marriage!

[veggirl]

Lived with one ex, won't do it again unless I'm engaged.

 

I don't understand why "moving in together" is automatically seen as the next step when dating. People are way too quick to move in with one another. Moving in after 6 mos of dating etc is effing stupid, people get into situations where it becomes too hard to leave by doing crap like that. If you're ready to play married then you should GET MARRIED. I don't need to live with someone to see if it will work out.

[spookie]

I can defintiely see myself doing the sliding in thing with someone, but I don't view that as a bad thing. Having two places when you are only spending time in one is such a pain in the sas and so uneconomical, and I've had so many apartments and roommates already that I don't see how living with someone I'm banging will be any different.

 

But for me, marriage isn't a goal, and I certianly would not view the moving-in as any kind of experiment. Just a one-year contract, which we can break at any time by finding a replacement on craigslist, as I've done with countless roommates in the past.

[zengirl]

The whole "cohabitation is more likely to lead to unsuccessful marriages or divorce" argument hinges upon one key factor: that the goal is to GET married, as written in yet another article on this subject.

 

Right, but since the title says "before marriage," it seems reasonable to assume marriage is a goal.

 

So my very timely question (as I'm moving in with my BF next week), where does cohabitation fit in, if the goal is not specifically to get married? Does such a relationship become ambiguous, or more likely to turn into a "roommate relationship" (which I DO NOT want)?

 

When I first lived with a BF (the one I didn't marry - though he did propose), I never thought I'd marry him. The goal was simply to be together more often and support each other better. Of course, he thought it was leading towards marriage, and I was too young to really realize he thought that or that he thought a myriad of other ideas I had would change, so not sure if it applies, but it was definitely not a "roommate relationship." It was basically a temporary marriage in our day-to-day functioning.

[wildgeese]

A friend recently posted a link to that very article on FB and I had to scoff. It's not exactly a new train of thought. Basically it's saying to have open communication about expectations and goals as partners, as well as the fact that long-term relationships equal a shared life that can be difficult to untangle.

But shouldn't all of that be common sense?

 

Here's a rebuttal: Natasha Burton: Cohabitation-Divorce Link? I Don't Think So

 

I particularly liked this comment: "I would argue that when cohabitation is entered into by two people who talk frankly about what the decision will mean for their relationship, there is less of a chance that those people will feel like they made a mistake."

 

I honestly do not believe that cohabiting equals a higher risk of divorce, not solely. There are so many contributing factors to a couples ultimate success or demise, and these articles keep going off of anecdotal evidence. Just because you had an unfortunate personal experience with living with an ex-, or your best friend did, doesn't mean the rest of society will.

[KathyM]

It's best not to live together before marriage, because it puts a strain on a relationship that is too easy to break off if there is no marriage to keep people together. When people are married, they are more committed to get through the rough times that come up when living together--the disagreements, etc. When people are not married, the strain of living together often causes them to break up.