PlumPrincess Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I think the majority of people who are very nervous about a girl or guy, and posts lots of questions about what to do, are going to fail. It doesn't matter what kind of encouraging signals they got, how the other person is, what their next steps are going to be, it's not going to work out. The nervousness and insecurity will make their object of desire lose interest or maybe already made them lose interest. It was doomed from the start. I think the successful people are successful, because they believe in themselves and do not depend on a surefire plan. They don't care about having security that the girl/guy is interested in them. They just go for him/her and make their move.
sid3 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I agree....although there are some situations where it can be advantageous.
dasein Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Most people are here to vent and they are going to go do what they wanted to do all along, repeat the same mistakes. Not all though. I wish this kind of board had been around when I was in my teens, could have saved a TON of mistakes on my part. 2
johan Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 This thread is a bit discouraging. It has a "you might as well not bother" conclusion behind it. As if being nervous and unsure are always the kiss of death. That's not necessarily true. Even when you're sure of yourself, you still get nervous and wonder how to read the other person. You deal with it better and recover more quickly, but nerves are a fact of life. Also, the way you get to a point where you can be sure of yourself is to go down in flames a few times. That means being awkward, nervous, failing, looking foolish, being shy, acting dumb, making bad decisions, trying stupid theories, and every other thing we seem to think are bad things. They are just part of the process. Failure today often leads to success tomorrow. 5
Author PlumPrincess Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Most people are here to vent and they are going to go do what they wanted to do all along, repeat the same mistakes. Not all though. I wish this kind of board had been around when I was in my teens, could have saved a TON of mistakes on my part. Come on, you know exactly what I mean. There are hundreds of threads where guys ask for advice on how to win a certain girl over and you are experienced enough to know they are going to fail. Doesn't mean that forum is not useful for finding advice and becoming better at dating and relationships.
verhrzn Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 So, only the most confident and self-assured among us should even try to date?...
Author PlumPrincess Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 This thread is a bit discouraging. It has a "you might as well not bother" conclusion behind it. As if being nervous and unsure are always the kiss of death. That's not necessarily true. Even when you're sure of yourself, you still get nervous and wonder how to read the other person. You deal with it better and recover more quickly, but nerves are a fact of life. Also, the way you get to a point where you can be sure of yourself is to go down in flames a few times. That means being awkward, nervous, failing, looking foolish, being shy, acting dumb, making bad decisions, trying stupid theories, and every other thing we seem to think are bad things. They are just part of the process. Failure today often leads to success tomorrow. I never said that. People have to make their own mistakes. If you don't try it, you will always have doubts in your mind. It's a learning process and you have to experience it yourself. If people posted updates more often, then you would see that I'm right.
dasein Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 OK yes, there are tons of "ain't gonna happen" threads here, but those were going to end up that way posted to LS or not. The thing is, the best advice for those guys who settle on some stranger as being "the one" and focus all their energy on her, is to not do that and cultivate many options, not just one. No idea if they listen to that or not, but people do tell them that, over and over. There's a thread on the front page about a woman who got totally put off by a guy giving her lame pickup lines. Had that guy been a regular here, guarantee he would have done better. If I can just get 1:10 men who post here to stop blowing up women's phones with texts the moment they meet and ask them out on a specific date by phone instead, my job is done baby steps.
Author PlumPrincess Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 OK yes, there are tons of "ain't gonna happen" threads here, but those were going to end up that way posted to LS or not. Of course, I didn't mean to imply that posting on LS is like asking for a bad curse. It's just often an indicator for a hopeless situation. There is always nervousness when you like someone, but if you had gotten enough positive signs you wouldn't be such a nerve wreck now, posting and asking people to interpret "ambiguous" signs.
garycoleman Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 That's because most people come here to post when they have problems. You don't come here to brag when you are in a good relationship. It's like a car forum, you don't post because your car is running fine, you post when something goes wrong. 1
dasein Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Oh OK, I see now, yes the "ambiguous signs" ones where they ask us to be a magic 8 ball are funny, "I met a girl last night, I texted her this 'how r u?' and she texted me 'fine how r u?' back, but waited 8.54 minutes to text back. What does that meeeeeeeeeeean??" 1
johan Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 What should be the take-away from this thread for the inexperienced dater? It seems to be to not bother. Or if you feel nervous, then give up.
zengirl Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I agree that most people post questions about their Rs here when things are not going well -- thus many of these Rs aren't going to work out. Sensible. However, I think getting feedback AND reading the situations and general issues of others is a great source of learning to build towards potential success. A lot of things helped me get into the mindset to meet Hubby and get 'better' at dating, and I'd say LS helped me some. Of course, when I was posting, "Here's my problem!" situations, it was sometimes the kiss of death, if it was a large problem. We also see nitpicky problems here (not R determining -- just a quick resolvable thing) and general discussions and so forth. A lot can help give someone perspective, even LS. Of course, using LS as your SOLE source of perspective is a huge recipe for disaster!
Author PlumPrincess Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 What should be the take-away from this thread for the inexperienced dater? It seems to be to not bother. Or if you feel nervous, then give up. It's an observation. I'm confused why you have such an issue with that. You as a seasoned dater are surely able to tell by now the difference between a nervousness combined with a good hopeful feeling and a nervousness where you know deep down inside you're going to fail. Maybe the title of my thread sounds a bit misleading, but I wasn't allowed to post certain words, so I just wrote something.
aj22one Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I got good advice from this message board. Worked for me, I'm sure it can work for others.
EasyHeart Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 A lot of times, nervousness and insecurity come from inexperience. If we've never done something before, it's perfectly normal to be nervous about it. I think it's great that people post questions about how to ask someone out or how to deal with their SO. I wish there had been something like this when I was a kid. All I could do was ask my friends and they didn't know any more than me. I can't say all the advice given on this forum is very good (and often it's very negative and hurtful), but the questions are great!
sid3 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 girls don't dig nervous and unsure. if you want to fail, be nervous and unsure. girls don't do awkward and nervous and failing. especially not hot ones who have options. That may be true, but we all crash and burn from time to time. Its inevitable. I know even though I haven't in awhile, that just means I'm due. Hopefully my time isn't coming anytime too soon. Nervousness isn't the killer, fear of failure is. 1
Teknoe Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Like many things in life, there is a fine line between USE and ABUSE. I won't mention names but we all know the posters who ask ? after ? after ?, to a point of obsession and over-analyzing. I've said in the past before this is a recipe for lack of growth. It's just sad seeing the same folks month after month not seemingly anymore "learned" than they were the first day they posted at LS. If you're asking so many questions, at least have a teachable spirit and try some of the suggestions given to you. I think some folks just love the anonymous ranting and the attention they receive here, which they most likely do not receive in real life. Thus, they keep posting, because they always garner the attention they crave. It's not the kind of quality attention they need, but in their minds, it's good enough to distract them from actual self-improvement. FTR, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a ? here or there. It's the people asking the same type of ?'s over and over that is a little sad to witness. With these folks you just see little to no change, at least as much as you can base off their posts, which does reveal their thinking and state of being to a certain degree. I feel sorry for them.
thatone Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 here's what this thread reminds me of.... a girl that showed up on here a few months ago, brand new account, and her only question was about her current boyfriend having a smaller penis than the last one. after the stereotypical angsty responses from the ~22 to ~30 year old male virgin peanut gallery someone suggested she try some different positions. next day she was all "there you have it, we tried this and that, orgasm no problem, thanks, peace!" and she disappeared. she probably thinks this is the best forum out there. 1
somedude81 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 It was doomed from the start. Exactly. It was doomed to fail whether they made a thread or not. At least with making a thread about it and having a discussion, one can get feedback on what they did wrong and how to handle it for the next one.
kofcydonia Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 after the stereotypical angsty responses from the ~22 to ~30 year old male virgin peanut gallery LOL What difference does it make if the Rs that are posted about are usually doomed to fail? Aren't the majority of Rs doomed to fail at some point?
Necromancer Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 It´s doomed from the start if there is no physical attraction. Guys who ask for advice on how to please a woman often put them on pedestal and think more about her needs than theirs. The wrong way: "Will she like my date idea?, am i funny enough for her?, does he like me?". The right way!: "I hope i can learn something new from this girl, is she WORTH my time? and believing your the great catch". Guys who go the wrong way are very likely to fail, when i meet a girl i always assume she is interested in me if she isn't too bad for her! Men are becoming more rare and wimps more common.
Sanman Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 The forum can be helpful to get perspective. However, I think the area where it is not useful is in analyzing early dating. Why? Because the truth is that you can do everything right and not end up with a relationship and do everything wrong and end up in one. The fact is that there is another person involved and you can't just sit there analyzing every move. The best advice is what Dasein suggested and just play the numbers, get comfortable, and try different things. 1
Necris Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It´s doomed from the start if there is no physical attraction. Guys who ask for advice on how to please a woman often put them on pedestal and think more about her needs than theirs. The wrong way: "Will she like my date idea?, am i funny enough for her?, does he like me?". The right way!: "I hope i can learn something new from this girl, is she WORTH my time? and believing your the great catch". Guys who go the wrong way are very likely to fail, when i meet a girl i always assume she is interested in me if she isn't too bad for her! Men are becoming more rare and wimps more common. But how did you acquire such super confidence? If women are never interested in you ever how could you be so confident that you are such a "great catch" and that all women you have ever encountered are just missing out?
somedude81 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 But how did you acquire such super confidence? If women are never interested in you ever how could you be so confident that you are such a "great catch" and that all women you have ever encountered are just missing out? Drugs, or beer or hookers.
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