CopingGal Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Hi. I've never been in this forum before. I'm usually in the relationship forums. I'm having a little bit of a hard time. My friend passed away in a car accident. She died Easter Morning. My housemate overall is a truly wonderful person and he takes care of me during troubled times. At first, I was so grateful that I live with him when my friend passed away...and yes, I still am. I love living with him. But the past few days has been rough. First, he met my friend two times in his life, that's it. Yes, she gave him a place to live for some months even though she did not know him (she was staying some place else at the time and her apt. was empty). He met her several years ago for about an hour. Last month he saw her one day for several hours when she came to the house, but that's it. This was a really good friend of mine. We only saw each other twice in the last few years (she lives in a different city), but we talked on the phone many, many times for hours. My friend died, but he's acting like it's his friend. He tells people at the grocery store and gets all kind of simpathy. He tells his family and they send him a condolescence email. I know it's not right because people feel what they feel, but it annoys me because I'm the one who lost her. When I tell him I'm grieving, he says "I'm grieving too." I just annoys me. He tells me "I know how your feel." Yes, he was an orphan...his parents died about 40 years ago and he never got over it. But still, it just annoys me how he's acting like he lost such a good friend. Now, he's pissed because they cut his hours where he works but they are hiring other people. He has no idea what they are hiring other people for...it could be a completely different job at that place. So now he's pissed and isolating himself, watching videos and barely speaking to me. I'm the one who lost a friend...but as in the past, he barrels in on my pain and it becomes about him. When I lost my dog, I was crying and crying. Then he starts crying about the one of the parents he lost 40 years ago, and it became about him. I have no other close friends. I did, but they moved away. My boyfriend lied to me consistently, cheated on me, threw another woman in my face and asked her to marry him after knowing her 5 months, even though I dated him 3 years and he told me he would never get married again. Then he harassed me until I had to speak to the police. (Long story- short, since I talk about my relationship in the coping forum). So I'm dealing with all this stuff and now my roommate isn't even there for me. Other friends I have have moved away. I feel alone.
january2011 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my father recently and one thing I learnt that surprised me is that during bereavement there's a heavy focus on those left behind. They suddenly get thrown into the limelight and get lots of attention. Some people even fight over who has the right to grieve (more) and thus who gets the most attention. When the initial shock of the loss passes, you will realise that that is a very selfish and self-centred way of thinking about it. You will (hopefully) realise that you were in pain and therefore were lashing out because you didn't know how to deal with all these feelings of anger and hurt inside you. Don't make it about you and your housemate. Make it about the friend that you lost. Try to overcome those feelings of jealousy, reach out and be there for each other. She touched both your lives and she deserves to be remembered for the wonderful person she was, not fought over like she 'belonged' to one of you more than the other. If you want to look for other ways of coping, I would suggest that you look into a local support group or even speaking to a therapist.
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