I have a question to the men and women.

[phineas]

A majority of people are pretty vapid and uninteresting nowadays, regardless of their accomplishments or education level. Very large numbers of people are too messed up emotionally to want to connect with them on such a level. Why are you surprised that a lot of men simply don't want to get to know women? There simply aren't that many women worth connecting with for any variety of the aforementioned reasons. Do you have any idea how many airheaded, Sex-and-the-City-worshiping, no-real-hobbies-having, Harry Potter-is-the-extent-of-my-literary-knowledge, I-pop-a-pill-for-every-remotely-negative-emotion-I-have broads I had to weed through before finding my current girlfriend? I essentially "played the field" for 3 years and focused on casual hook-ups because most people suck. Period.

 

I don't think I've ever had two strangers debate over how to interpret my words to the extent that you two have. I feel honored.

 

It's time to clarify. Wholigan, you're right when you say that I DID enjoy being single. This doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't have stayed single for as long as I did had I come across someone worth getting serious with. In my 3 years of single life, from ages 20 to 23, I really only came across one girl I felt compelled to date more seriously. It was headed in that direction but she tore my heart out, and it's history. Beyond her, every woman I met just seemed to either have something seriously wrong with her or was so uninteresting that it was virtually impossible to tell her apart from anyone else.

 

I didn't use Sex and the City as a litmus test for whether to pursue a girl. My thought process was more along the lines of "Oh. Every other Facebook status she posts is a Sex and the City Quote. How original. She must have really worked hard to distinguish herself as a human being and to not appear like everyone else."

 

However, I did get myself into a bind because I also find it distasteful when people purposely show interest in only the quirky or obscure and/or try too hard to look like a special snowflake. I've always been in the happy medium between those two categories, and when I finally found myself a woman that occupied that same space, I knew she was worth keeping.

 

fuark me.

You've just described my last few yrs of dating. How old are you?

 

I feel like i've only met 1 or 2 women that aren't playing the social butterfly act where they are TOOOOOO busy & popular to stay at one party for more than a few hrs because they have 2 other parties to attend that day.

 

Then when I meet a normal woman I screw it up because I mistook her interest in me to mean she wanted to date when in reality she was just looking for some sex THAT night & I didn't invite her back to my place because like I just met her. Silly me.

 

It's really hard for me to gauge whether a woman of substance would actually be interested in me because I swear I think i've only met one of them & it didn't work out.

 

I'm sure there were many on match but alas I didn't make their e-stats in height & income. LOL!

[RedRobin]

Of course, if you are a woman who DOES have hobbies and an interesting life, then you must be a career obsessed, feminazi who doesn't need a man. Then they Google you and freak themselves out before they even meet you. STOP IT!!

 

This goes back to the taking-personal-responsibility-for-one's-perceptions thing...

 

I'll agree with the above poster about putting down the toys and distractions though. OLD, Facebook, texting, emailing....blah blah.

 

So hard to connect with real people anymore it seems. I've 'retreated' into focusing on my social circle and meeting people through hobbies, volunteering, and even work (where it makes sense and isn't intrusive).

 

I'm just so tired of the A.D.D. bouncing around.

[RedRobin]

... we can't see the tree, or the forest because it is all a big A.D.D. fog.

 

you betcha.

 

FYI... I'm too old for you (just getting that out of the way).... but wanted to mention that all of my family is from Iowa.

 

yes, they did marry their HS sweethearts (most of them) and most of them are happily married decades later. I couldn't do that. Me and my sister are kind of novelties that way. My dad left Iowa and met my mom in CA. They are both kinda rebels that way. They raised us to be rather unconventional.

 

I still yearn for and appreciate the steadfastness of my family in Iowa. It is very comforting. Some good, solid people there. I can see that influence in your threads.

[TheBigQuestion]

fuark me.

You've just described my last few yrs of dating. How old are you?

 

I feel like i've only met 1 or 2 women that aren't playing the social butterfly act where they are TOOOOOO busy & popular to stay at one party for more than a few hrs because they have 2 other parties to attend that day.

 

Then when I meet a normal woman I screw it up because I mistook her interest in me to mean she wanted to date when in reality she was just looking for some sex THAT night & I didn't invite her back to my place because like I just met her. Silly me.

 

It's really hard for me to gauge whether a woman of substance would actually be interested in me because I swear I think i've only met one of them & it didn't work out.

 

I'm sure there were many on match but alas I didn't make their e-stats in height & income. LOL!

 

I'm 25. I'm also well aware that regardless of your age range, finding uninteresting women is the norm rather than the exception.

 

Even the one girl I met during those three years of singledom who actually WAS interesting turned out to be a pretty rotten person. She hid it pretty well for about 2 months though. She tried to turn me into a "friend," and thankfully, even at age 22, I had the balls to say "no." Thankfully I wasn't her orbiter though as we had sex quite a few times, so it wasn't a total loss.

[verhrzn]

Finally you are admitting that your weight issues are a result of your lifestyle choices...good for you. But I'm not sure you can blame men for not wanting physically unattractive women though. We are naturally wired to prefer certain physical characteristics in women. Can you really blame men for being the way nature made them?

 

I have no idea why you keep equating "weight" with "ugly." I am ugly for reasons that include but also go BEYOND my weight. And no, my lifestyle choices are NOT responsible for my weight... they really are part of my genetics. But I've gone over this in so much detail in other posts it isn't even worth it. I simply meant I could correct my looks through very expensive and extensive surgery, and I've given up due to costs and time constraints.

 

Yeah yeah, men want attractive women. Which by nature, I am not. Is it my fault I wasn't born beautiful? I am to "blame" for my relationship problems in the same way someone is to blame for being born with disability, and yet threads like this are constantly telling me to "own" the blame. Gets real annoying, real fast.

[truth_seeker]

I think those that want to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault are those people who actually try to improve their dating life. Those who don't change their dating life are unwilling to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault.

 

When I wanted to improve my dating life, here's things I did:

 

1. Got in shape.

2. Talked to women more often, even for the sake of talking.

3. Took myself less seriously.

4. Took rejection as just a necessary part of dating.

5. Increased my age limits from: used to be 18-40; after seeing how hot Helen Mirren and Glenn Close were at 60, I increased from 18-60.

6. Started being part in more social events and get-togethers: joined more clubs, went to more events, etc.

7. Improved my confidence.

8. Be much more sociable.

9. Be more forgiving and understanding.

10. Don't judge women by scales--none of that how hot is she on a scale of 1-10 BS. If I find her attractive then that's that.

 

Always have to look inward first. It's easy to put blame on everyone else. I remember I was overweight, didn't give a real damn about my appearance, and complained way too much about how women were stuck up. One day I decided to change myself. Worked out hard for 6 months, changed up my wardrobe, made an effort to socialize more. It helped. People noticed the changes in both my appearance and attitude. Women started to come to me. Now I had options.

 

My problem nowadays, sifting through the good ones and the bad ones. That's an entirely different topic.

[zengirl]

V, I know women much less attractive than you in happy, healthy relationships. End-stop.

[verhrzn]

V, I know women much less attractive than you in happy, healthy relationships. End-stop.

 

I know people who won a local radio contest. Luck is funny like that.

[zengirl]

I know people who won a local radio contest. Luck is funny like that.

 

Some is luck maybe. A lot is happiness. Happy people catch relationships more readily. Seriously. But you're not fat, or ugly, and thinking that's what hinders you isn't helping you.

 

At any rate, I've discovered that more often than not, in life, you have to make your own luck. We all do.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I fully believe that I am ultimately responsible for the life and relationships I have. There are many aspects of them that are completely out of my control, but how I choose to deal with them is MY responsibility.

 

I spend periods of time when I am dealing with things in a negative way. The older I get, the more acute my awareness of these periods becomes. It's a conundrum when I KNOW I'm on the wrong track, but willfully stay there anyway.

 

I don't really like the word "blame" whether it's directed outwardly or at oneself.

 

I think it's very clear here on LS and when we each look honestly at our own lives that at times, there are often perceived benefits to abandon our responsibility for our own "happiness" (I put that word in quotes because I don't really believe that we are meant to be feeling "happy" all that much of the time; maybe serenity, contentment, fulfillment or empowerment would be better) and put it on other people or things that are beyond our control, like our parents, body, porn, Obama, chemical imbalance, feminism , race, whatever.

 

I would attribute this to "ego," though not always in the sense of needing to be "right" or being conceited in any way. Many times, it's the opposite. Regardless, this "ego" thing to me means a skewed perception of "self" and overvaluing that idea of "self" in relationship to all other things.

[RedRobin]

I fully believe that I am ultimately responsible for the life and relationships I have. There are many aspects of them that are completely out of my control, but how I choose to deal with them is MY responsibility.

 

I spend periods of time when I am dealing with things in a negative way. The older I get, the more acute my awareness of these periods becomes. It's a conundrum when I KNOW I'm on the wrong track, but willfully stay there anyway.

 

I don't really like the word "blame" whether it's directed outwardly or at oneself.

 

I think it's very clear here on LS and when we each look honestly at our own lives that at times, there are often perceived benefits to abandon our responsibility for our own "happiness" (I put that word in quotes because I don't really believe that we are meant to be feeling "happy" all that much of the time; maybe serenity, contentment, fulfillment or empowerment would be better) and put it on other people or things that are beyond our control, like our parents, body, porn, Obama, chemical imbalance, feminism , race, whatever.

 

....or age