I have a question to the men and women.

[joystickd]

A user said this on one of my threads:

 

It's about your ego. If you have believed for so long in something, or spent your life blaming someone else, you'd rather continue believing that and suffer the consequences than take action and realize you were wrong the whole time. For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late...

 

No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways...

 

 

Are some of you people that have trouble dating having trouble because you refuse to believe that there is a possibility that the problems you have are your fault?

 

Are some of you not wanting to because you want to be right? I see some argue with other users about how right they are about what is happening to them.

 

Is being right or refusing to open your mind to the possibility that your beliefs are actually wrong that important that you will sacrifice a chance to improve and have companionship?

[Imajerk17]

Wow man, you are really on a self-improvement kick here lately!

 

I would say that yes, my ego is involved. Truth be told, it's far less painful for me to hear that "there's nothing I could have done" or "women are crazy" than to it is know that I had a role in my lack of success and that if I had done certain things differently, things would have turned out differently.

[wwwjd]

Deep, good stuff there.

I understand what you are saying and it is hard to accept our past flaws. I feel a few things play into this. Sometimes people are not wired to even SEE the truth, it just doesn't click. They are used to pounding thier hand with a hammer, so that is normal, and NOT pounding it seems less real than pounding it. So they continue to pound rather than face the truth of that pain or change.

 

As far as accepting being wrong and moving on? Tough stuff, can't change the past but one can learn and grow from it. Maybe it was the ONLY way you could learn a certain type of lesson and have it stick.

So, someone pounded their hand with the hammer, and now that hand is broken, useless, limp, and displays the shame predominately. Wear a glove. Do the best you can with it and move forward. Some people are not even born with that hand and deal with it.

 

Here's a somewhat related story about this, I learned when working with temp foster children (Gosh! I'm trying to win over women again!! hahaha)

No seriously.... kids that come out of a home where they are physically abused and beaten and yelled at, will TRY LIKE HECK to get their new foster parents to yell and beat them because, TO THEM, that is REAL LIFE. The ONLY real life they know. It is NORMAL and RIGHT.

Kinda twisted to us, but you can see how that works.

 

Is that similar? Seeing things your own right way, even when it was wrong?

 

"Every passing moment, is another chance to turn it all around."

[Oxy Moronovich]

I think those that want to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault are those people who actually try to improve their dating life. Those who don't change their dating life are unwilling to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault.

 

When I wanted to improve my dating life, here's things I did:

 

1. Got in shape.

2. Talked to women more often, even for the sake of talking.

3. Took myself less seriously.

4. Took rejection as just a necessary part of dating.

5. Increased my age limits from: used to be 18-40; after seeing how hot Helen Mirren and Glenn Close were at 60, I increased from 18-60.

6. Started being part in more social events and get-togethers: joined more clubs, went to more events, etc.

7. Improved my confidence.

8. Be much more sociable.

9. Be more forgiving and understanding.

10. Don't judge women by scales--none of that how hot is she on a scale of 1-10 BS. If I find her attractive then that's that.

[Andy_K]

If anything, I tend to be the opposite. I constantly look for mistakes I've made, opportunities I've missed, and strive to improve in every area I can identify. I can be overly self-critical, simply because taking responsibility for my own successes and failures gives me control and belief that I'm the master of my own destiny, whilst blaming others or the world simply promotes apathy.

 

I've changed myself in some fundamental ways over the course of my life. Decided what sort of person I wanted to be, and worked towards becoming that. There are things I find difficult to change and always will, but if I can look back in years to come and know I tried, I can be at peace with myself.

[joystickd]

I just want these people that have trouble to become better at dating. We all in some form can use some improvement

[verhrzn]

Why can't it be both; as in, I am to blame but so are other people? Rarely are problems as simple as one party is entirely at fault.

 

For example, in my dating life, I am to blame because I am physically unattractive, and have given up trying to change it. Men are to blame because they don't want physically unattractive women. There, we're both to "blame," as it were.

 

So the problems are MY fault, but there's also a certain point where the things that are my fault can't be changed. You present it as far too black-and-white.

[zengirl]

Here's a somewhat related story about this, I learned when working with temp foster children (Gosh! I'm trying to win over women again!! hahaha) No seriously.... kids that come out of a home where they are physically abused and beaten and yelled at, will TRY LIKE HECK to get their new foster parents to yell and beat them because, TO THEM, that is REAL LIFE. The ONLY real life they know. It is NORMAL and RIGHT. Kinda twisted to us, but you can see how that works.

 

This is so true, and this component of human nature -- to a lesser degree -- is why people find themselves in the same toxic/lonely/destructive relationship patterns over and over. People seek comfort in what they know. Even if what they know has been bad. Until, of course, they begin to seek change and growth -- most people do that sooner or later. Much more, later.

[phineas]

It was an evolutionary process for me.

 

1. realize i'm letting women waste my time.

2. realize I don't need women like that in my life.

3. realize while a woman would be nice, I don't really need one.

4. a woman should compliment my life not complicate it.

 

I think i'm think i'm doing just fine now.

[SJC2008]

I blame my failures on my insecurities. I blame my insecurites on having bad luck with women and other factors I'm not going to get into. My first girlfriednd when I was 17 hammered me to everyone we worked with and I was humiliated and hurt, downright crushed. Talk about bad luck:( I was very shy and was afraid to make a move and she told everyone I she didn't felt like she didn't have a boyfriend and that she wasn't really attracted to me.

 

Now one thing that I do not like about women is that if you show too much excitement too soon they are turned off. Just becasue I'm excited about getting to know you doesn't mean I'm SURE about you. I really don't know how to date at all. The 3rd date is the farthest I've got.

[phineas]

I blame my failures on my insecurities. I blame my insecurites on having bad luck with women and other factors I'm not going to get into. My first girlfriednd when I was 17 hammered me to everyone we worked with and I was humiliated and hurt, downright crushed. Talk about bad luck:( I was very shy and was afraid to make a move and she told everyone I she didn't felt like she didn't have a boyfriend and that she wasn't really attracted to me.

 

Now one thing that I do not like about women is that if you show too much excitement too soon they are turned off. Just becasue I'm excited about getting to know you doesn't mean I'm SURE about you. I really don't know how to date at all. The 3rd date is the farthest I've got.

 

I was also very concerned about whether I was good enough for a woman or not when I was younger.

I was in shape but I always psyched myself out.

 

Then I got fat & well no love.

 

Then I got older & got less fat, got a good job, got a project house & women found me interesting. But I was still worried on whether I was good enough for them.

 

somehow got married, got fat, got divorced, was still feeling I wasn't good enough.

Got my self in good enough shape where women were coming on to me & I gotta say a few successes in that department was all I really needed to dial it all in.

 

At this point i'm not afraid to be myself around women and if they don't like who I am then I wish them well in finding a guy they do like.

 

sadly I was 38-39 when I figured this all out on my own.

[mesmerized]

I think those that want to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault are those people who actually try to improve their dating life. Those who don't change their dating life are unwilling to acknowledge their crappy dating life is their fault.

 

When I wanted to improve my dating life, here's things I did:

 

1. Got in shape.

2. Talked to women more often, even for the sake of talking.

3. Took myself less seriously.

4. Took rejection as just a necessary part of dating.

5. Increased my age limits from: used to be 18-40; after seeing how hot Helen Mirren and Glenn Close were at 60, I increased from 18-60.

6. Started being part in more social events and get-togethers: joined more clubs, went to more events, etc.

7. Improved my confidence.

8. Be much more sociable.

9. Be more forgiving and understanding.

10. Don't judge women by scales--none of that how hot is she on a scale of 1-10 BS. If I find her attractive then that's that.

 

I wish more men thought that way. It extremely annoys me when men rate women like that. I would never ever rate a guy like that. I would just say attractive or unattractive or average.

 

I realize part of my dating problems are related to me and my situation. But I also think a big part of it are men, either their natural traits or those that are related to our culture. How? Most men where I live don't have a genuine interest in women. It's all about sex sex sex....Men are not interested to have a real bond, an emotional connection, something that goes beyond the sexual realm. If they are attractive and they can use woman for sex as long as they want, they do so. If they are unattractive and can't afford being like that they settle with the best they can get because that's the only way for them to get the benefits. Now I'm not saying every single man is like that but it seems to me like a good majority are. This obviously is not "my" fault and I'm not sure if there is much I can do about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

This might sound a little fruity, but here goes...

 

Lately, I've been thinking of myself as simply a vessel for my energy, 'soul', whatever it is that makes me me - my interpretation of that universal life force we all have. I'm not worrying about any perceived flaws so much anymore, internal or external.

 

This is me, the best I can be right now, with my unique 'light', and I have lot of good energy to offer - take it or leave it.

 

Not surprisingly, this confidence and self-assuredness is very magnetic to the cool people I wanna know.

[El Brujo]

A user said this on one of my threads:

 

It's about your ego. If you have believed for so long in something, or spent your life blaming someone else, you'd rather continue believing that and suffer the consequences than take action and realize you were wrong the whole time. For me in particular, one of the reasons I can't kick my belief is that I've spent so many years believing it and blaming women that if I were proven "wrong," I would have essentially wasted all those years...I refuse to believe that this entire time, women might actually have been interested in me and that it's my fault that I started dating so late...

 

No, I refuse to believe it, so I continue on my ways...

 

 

Are some of you people that have trouble dating having trouble because you refuse to believe that there is a possibility that the problems you have are your fault?

 

Are some of you not wanting to because you want to be right? I see some argue with other users about how right they are about what is happening to them.

 

Is being right or refusing to open your mind to the possibility that your beliefs are actually wrong that important that you will sacrifice a chance to improve and have companionship?

 

I didn't make up the rules.

 

All I did was try to play according to what made sense, and I got razzed for it.

 

So... I took myself off the market. Nyah nyah!

[TheBigQuestion]

 

I realize part of my dating problems are related to me and my situation. But I also think a big part of it are men, either their natural traits or those that are related to our culture. How? Most men where I live don't have a genuine interest in women. It's all about sex sex sex....Men are not interested to have a real bond, an emotional connection, something that goes beyond the sexual realm. If they are attractive and they can use woman for sex as long as they want, they do so. If they are unattractive and can't afford being like that they settle with the best they can get because that's the only way for them to get the benefits. Now I'm not saying every single man is like that but it seems to me like a good majority are. This obviously is not "my" fault and I'm not sure if there is much I can do about it.

 

A majority of people are pretty vapid and uninteresting nowadays, regardless of their accomplishments or education level. Very large numbers of people are too messed up emotionally to want to connect with them on such a level. Why are you surprised that a lot of men simply don't want to get to know women? There simply aren't that many women worth connecting with for any variety of the aforementioned reasons. Do you have any idea how many airheaded, Sex-and-the-City-worshiping, no-real-hobbies-having, Harry Potter-is-the-extent-of-my-literary-knowledge, I-pop-a-pill-for-every-remotely-negative-emotion-I-have broads I had to weed through before finding my current girlfriend? I essentially "played the field" for 3 years and focused on casual hook-ups because most people suck. Period.

[Feelsgoodman]

For example, in my dating life, I am to blame because I am physically unattractive, and have given up trying to change it. Men are to blame because they don't want physically unattractive women. There, we're both to "blame," as it were.

Finally you are admitting that your weight issues are a result of your lifestyle choices...good for you. But I'm not sure you can blame men for not wanting physically unattractive women though. We are naturally wired to prefer certain physical characteristics in women. Can you really blame men for being the way nature made them?

[wwwjd]

A majority of people are pretty vapid and uninteresting nowadays, regardless of their accomplishments or education level. Very large numbers of people are too messed up emotionally to want to connect with them on such a level.

 

 

man you are so right with this, it is scarey. I mean IT is scarey. and now we have so much more distraction, shiney, pretty, bad examples on TV, and porn and virtual girls to replace REAL girls, we are buried in texts instead of communicating better..... it's like all of this is some sneaky conspiracy to tear us down and cause separation via fake connections.... 9000 fake friends on face book, pick off the shelf online dating, fast food, 1000 satelite channels... we can't see the tree, or the forest because it is all a big A.D.D. fog.

 

It's sad that you had to see that, and put up with it.

But what can we do?

Other than our own little part to be as best we can to people around us I guess.

Your whole post is so true.

[Ruby Slippers]

man you are so right with this, it is scarey. I mean IT is scarey. and now we have so much more distraction, shiney, pretty, bad examples on TV, and porn and virtual girls to replace REAL girls, we are buried in texts instead of communicating better..... it's like all of this is some sneaky conspiracy to tear us down and cause separation via fake connections.... 9000 fake friends on face book, pick off the shelf online dating, fast food, 1000 satelite channels... we can't see the tree, or the forest because it is all a big A.D.D. fog.

 

It's sad that you had to see that, and put up with it.

But what can we do?

Fight the power!!!

[mesmerized]

A majority of people are pretty vapid and uninteresting nowadays, regardless of their accomplishments or education level. Very large numbers of people are too messed up emotionally to want to connect with them on such a level. Why are you surprised that a lot of men simply don't want to get to know women? There simply aren't that many women worth connecting with for any variety of the aforementioned reasons. Do you have any idea how many airheaded, Sex-and-the-City-worshiping, no-real-hobbies-having, Harry Potter-is-the-extent-of-my-literary-knowledge, I-pop-a-pill-for-every-remotely-negative-emotion-I-have broads I had to weed through before finding my current girlfriend? I essentially "played the field" for 3 years and focused on casual hook-ups because most people suck. Period.

 

Of course if you go out with this attitude and don't even give someone a chance, you won't even know if a girl is worth having emotional bond with or not. I highly doubt you played the field for 3 years because most women suck but most probably because you were not ready to commit and were enjoying the play.

[ThaWholigan]

Of course if you go out with this attitude and don't even give someone a chance, you won't even know if a girl is worth having emotional bond with or not. I highly doubt you played the field for 3 years because most women suck but most probably because you were not ready to commit and were enjoying the play.

If there's one thing I've learned in my relatively short life so far, it's that there are a multitude within a mutlitude of reasons why anyone does anything. He probably was enjoying it, sure. But I'd imagine that it wasn't his be-all and end-all and that he was looking for something with a little more substance, as much of us are.

 

Every individual is multidynamic in their own way, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.

[mesmerized]

If there's one thing I've learned in my relatively short life so far, it's that there are a multitude within a mutlitude of reasons why anyone does anything. He probably was enjoying it, sure. But I'd imagine that it wasn't his be-all and end-all and that he was looking for something with a little more substance, as much of us are.

 

Every individual is multidynamic in their own way, especially when it comes to relationships and dating.

 

yes but his attitude wasn't really helping if he was looking for something with more substance. I wouldn't be surprised if he judged most women based on superficial things and looked for the next best thing.

[ThaWholigan]

yes but his attitude wasn't really helping if he was looking for something with more substance. I wouldn't be surprised if he judged most women based on superficial things and looked for the next best thing.

Possibly. Nothing surprises me these days. But I don't think we can make that assumption based on what he's said. Perhaps it is that he meets women who have little substance hence he doesn't pursue anything of substance with them. I meet a lot of women who don't have too much substance to them, and while they do not reflect a majority of women I meet, I recognize them as such.

 

We really don't know if he judges women based on superficial standards. We do know that both men and women do this to pretty much equal amounts despite what a few posters will say, depending on the cultural environment we currently inhabit as individuals.

 

You could be right, but I have my own doubts about that of course

[mesmerized]

Possibly. Nothing surprises me these days. But I don't think we can make that assumption based on what he's said. Perhaps it is that he meets women who have little substance hence he doesn't pursue anything of substance with them. I meet a lot of women who don't have too much substance to them, and while they do not reflect a majority of women I meet, I recognize them as such.

 

We really don't know if he judges women based on superficial standards. We do know that both men and women do this to pretty much equal amounts despite what a few posters will say, depending on the cultural environment we currently inhabit as individuals.

 

You could be right, but I have my own doubts about that of course

 

By superficial I didn't mean looks necessarily. I mean that lets say a girl say she likes "sex and the city". Bam, she is not qualified anymore...whereas he doesn't know anything more about her or even why she likes that show. He just stereotypes her based on something rather trivial.

[ThaWholigan]

By superficial I didn't mean looks necessarily. I mean that lets say a girl say she likes "sex and the city". Bam, she is not qualified anymore...whereas he doesn't know anything more about her or even why she likes that show. He just stereotypes her based on something rather trivial.

Yeah, it's a bit like me saying that I'm not gonna date a girl who watches Desperate Housewives when like 90% of girls I know like that show . Yeah that would come across as superficial.

 

On the flipside, I wouldn't read too much into the statement he made about SATC (A show I have watched on occasion believe it or not). I think he is more directing that comment towards girls who frivolous chase a lifestyle very similar to the characters on the show rather than girls who who may watch and like the show.

 

I think that's where we can get caught. By over-analyzing someones words to fit whatever notion our minds are entertaining at the time, we can make mountains out of little tiny molehills, or even flat land. Instead of doing that, I do what Rodney Mullen does: get a skateboard and manual my way around for fun .

[TheBigQuestion]

I don't think I've ever had two strangers debate over how to interpret my words to the extent that you two have. I feel honored.

 

It's time to clarify. Wholigan, you're right when you say that I DID enjoy being single. This doesn't change the fact that I wouldn't have stayed single for as long as I did had I come across someone worth getting serious with. In my 3 years of single life, from ages 20 to 23, I really only came across one girl I felt compelled to date more seriously. It was headed in that direction but she tore my heart out, and it's history. Beyond her, every woman I met just seemed to either have something seriously wrong with her or was so uninteresting that it was virtually impossible to tell her apart from anyone else.

 

I didn't use Sex and the City as a litmus test for whether to pursue a girl. My thought process was more along the lines of "Oh. Every other Facebook status she posts is a Sex and the City Quote. How original. She must have really worked hard to distinguish herself as a human being and to not appear like everyone else."

 

However, I did get myself into a bind because I also find it distasteful when people purposely show interest in only the quirky or obscure and/or try too hard to look like a special snowflake. I've always been in the happy medium between those two categories, and when I finally found myself a woman that occupied that same space, I knew she was worth keeping.