redbull2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Hi there, I don't where else to get many different views/opinions so I thought you guys might help out. My gf and I have been together for 3 months, but known eachother almost a year. We were super in love and think of each other as soulmates. Now she is starting to pull away and as a result i get more clingy. The relationship is off balance and i dont know why. I have a feeling she is starting to see my faults and tries to deal with them. Last week she wanted a few days for herself after two great weeks living together at my place. We talked a lot about moving in together and have children. This weekend we traveled together and was together 24/7 for 3 days and now she allready wants alone-time again. She doesn't respond to sweet talk anymore (like saying i miss or love you). I usually say it first. She is also less enthusiastic over the phone. More superficial. I haven't changed but i guess now she sees the real me and not her projection. This worries me and I tried talking to her about it, but she feels its normal to have days apart and that its healthy. She says nothing is wrong besides that she needs some alonetime to recharge and that we are just getting used to eachother. My gut feeling is telling me she is falling out of love. How else would she not miss me when apart. She doesnt say so like she used to. Im curious what you guys think? Am i overreacting and needy or is this normal? When i love someone i want to be with them 24/7 and let them know how much i care. Sometimes i need some space and alonetime, but not more than a few hours. Several days seems a bit much and i want to be with her even more after all this time. This unbalance is making me insecure and act stupid. I don't want to be like this but i can't relax when i have this feelings that we are drifting apart
amantis Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 You are not overreacting When i was young that happened with me 2 times and its funny , it was after 3 months too I think that you already know whats going to happen .. Like you said , if you are in love , why do you need space ? What i think you should do is just give her time , dont tell her that you love her , wait , and prepare yourself , you know whats going to happen .
HHC Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 When my husband and I were dating we would spend the weekend together and by Sunday afternoon he could not wait to go home and be alone. I felt rejected and that I wasn't good enough, because all I wanted to do was spend time with him and be us. We moved in together within the first two years and it didn't work. He said he didn't want to live with me because I was so full on and he needed space which he couldn't get whwn we lived together. A few years on and we moved in again. A few more years on and we spend a lot of our time together and his need for alone time hasn't gone away, but he feels less smothered by me. It's about balance. She may be feeling smothered. What you need to do is work out if it's you or if it's just the amount of time she's spending with someone 1
Radu Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Hi there, I don't where else to get many different views/opinions so I thought you guys might help out. My gf and I have been together for 3 months, but known eachother almost a year. We were super in love and think of each other as soulmates. Now she is starting to pull away and as a result i get more clingy. The relationship is off balance and i dont know why. I have a feeling she is starting to see my faults and tries to deal with them. Last week she wanted a few days for herself after two great weeks living together at my place. We talked a lot about moving in together and have children. This weekend we traveled together and was together 24/7 for 3 days and now she allready wants alone-time again. She doesn't respond to sweet talk anymore (like saying i miss or love you). I usually say it first. She is also less enthusiastic over the phone. More superficial. I haven't changed but i guess now she sees the real me and not her projection. This worries me and I tried talking to her about it, but she feels its normal to have days apart and that its healthy. She says nothing is wrong besides that she needs some alonetime to recharge and that we are just getting used to eachother. My gut feeling is telling me she is falling out of love. How else would she not miss me when apart. She doesnt say so like she used to. Im curious what you guys think? Am i overreacting and needy or is this normal? When i love someone i want to be with them 24/7 and let them know how much i care. Sometimes i need some space and alonetime, but not more than a few hours. Several days seems a bit much and i want to be with her even more after all this time. This unbalance is making me insecure and act stupid. I don't want to be like this but i can't relax when i have this feelings that we are drifting apart How can you be with someone 24 h / 7 d for 3 days ? Seriously ... did you find a method to bend time and space to your will ? Now getting on to your question, she is looking at another guy or she is not interested in you anymore but she doesn't have the maturity to say it. She's not worth it, let her go.
Woggle Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 She is falling out of love. I would give it another week or so and if it cobntinues you should leave town before the storm really hits.
Radu Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Try to mirror her own indiference/enthusiasm if you want to give it a try at working. This is not what you want to do in a long term relationship but it might work here. If it works, she is not worth pursuing as a LTR though, because it was all a game. You do not want someone who plays games. 1
amantis Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 They are dating for 3 months and talking about kids . She is scared I bet that the OP is full on showing the love for her , and he need to be prepared for the end of the relationship When a girl wants some time alone = big problems Men wants some time alone = a bit of space 4
Author redbull2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 They are dating for 3 months and talking about kids . She is scared I bet that the OP is full on showing the love for her , and he need to be prepared for the end of the relationship When a girl wants some time alone = big problems Men wants some time alone = a bit of space She always initiated these kind of talks. Friday and saturday she showed a lot of love and we had that in love moments. Sunday and monday... not at all. My logic says its normal to want some time alone when being a lot together. But if you are in love this shouldn't happen. At least not for more than a day or few hours.
amantis Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Its normal to want some time alone but like you said , she stopped with the love words and showing you that she loves you You know whats going on Im always a positive guy , but im realistic If i need some time alone is usually 1 day but i still call , or text , and i tell her that i like/lover her be prepared
Author redbull2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Its normal to want some time alone but like you said , she stopped with the love words and showing you that she loves you You know whats going on Im always a positive guy , but im realistic If i need some time alone is usually 1 day but i still call , or text , and i tell her that i like/lover her be prepared She texted me this morning. But not in a loving way. Just normal. I guess i will find out sooner or later
amantis Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 when you answer to her just be normal , dont ask her whats going on , dont tell her that you love her , just be normal she needs to feel that she misses you , and she likes when you tell her that you love her i made some mistakes when i was young and nobody told me . 1
Author redbull2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 when you answer to her just be normal , dont ask her whats going on , dont tell her that you love her , just be normal she needs to feel that she misses you , and she likes when you tell her that you love her i made some mistakes when i was young and nobody told me . I hope you are right!
Cypress25 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 It's normal to want some alone time, even when you're in love. Maybe you only need a few hours of alone time but some people need more. It doesn't mean she's not in love with you anymore, it just means she needs a little breathing room. You're getting way too clingy, wanting to be with her 24/7. That's not healthy. Both of you need a life outside of each other. You've only been together for 3 months, that's too early to be attached at the hip. If she's an introvert, she probably needs more alone time than most people, no matter how much she loves you. You need to respect that. Stop insisting that she spend every waking moment with you. Even married couples don't do that.
HHC Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 redbull I find it amusing that you totally ignored my post. Someone who dated and has now married someone who needs their alone time. You're not interested in a fix or making sure your relationship is okay, you're interested in making sure everyone knows she's done you wrong and you're perfect
dasein Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Tone way back on the love declarations and take her at her word. Find some hobby that takes significant time and throw yourself into that. A relationship is a part of your life not the whole of it. How are your sex habits during all this? Good luck.
NeverDated Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Maybe it's coming to an end, but I don't get that vibe from what you wrote. I think she's getting worried that you're too clingy. From a female perspective, it's odd for a man to jump into love and long-term discussions after three months. Sometimes it's just right, but it's still off-putting and disturbing. Take her desire for distance at face value and give her distance. If I were in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd be worried that you were temporarily "addicted" to the relationship. Your ability to give her space will prove that you're not just getting a fix from an emotional high. If this is the case, it's not game playing on her part, it's just self-protection. When you're together - at your place, her place, with friends - do you ever just let her be or do you need to be interacting constantly? Do you ever just let her screw around on her phone/iPad/computer while you do the same? That's a big part of a healthy relationship, not needing constant validation that you want to be in each other's company.
daphne Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I think spending that much time together is too much early on. People have to gradually get used to each other and attached. Too much too soon can send a good number of prospects running for the hills. The guy who mentioned mirroring was spot on. If she's pulling back, you need to pull back as well. Let her have space to miss you. The initial phase of romance can be very exciting just from the idea of not knowing when you'll see the other person. I don't know that it's healthy to be instantly attached to someone. You can't skip steps in order to be a full blown relationship. It's something that develops over time. I don't think that happens in 3 months. Pull back, don't be so full on and let her gravitate towareds you. She'll probably be relieved if you do. Good luck
Author redbull2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 It's normal to want some alone time, even when you're in love. Maybe you only need a few hours of alone time but some people need more. It doesn't mean she's not in love with you anymore, it just means she needs a little breathing room. You're getting way too clingy, wanting to be with her 24/7. That's not healthy. Both of you need a life outside of each other. You've only been together for 3 months, that's too early to be attached at the hip. If she's an introvert, she probably needs more alone time than most people, no matter how much she loves you. You need to respect that. Stop insisting that she spend every waking moment with you. Even married couples don't do that. I just want to point out that i haven't changed since we started dating. She is the one pulling away because she can't handle the closeness. Yes, i got attached and i only got clingy after she pulled away. Girl meets boy. Girls falls in love with boy. Girls wants to move in with boy. Girl loves boy. Girl get's scared of losing herself after 3 months and backs off. Boy seems clingy because his behavior hasn't changed. See my point? Anyway. I talked to her and she said nothing is wrong and that she still loves me. Her personal space is very important to her and she wanted make that clear. She is not the type that wants a clingy relationship. So now i can only back off and give her a good time when we are together. Hoping her fear of closeness with disappear again. I know nothing lasts, but i'd wish everything was like 2 weeks ago. No problems and full of love. 1
amantis Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 The only problem now is , or you get used to her time alone or you have to move on With me , i can give some space to her , but if she wants space all the time , i dont know wtf to do . I start stressing afraid that if i tell her that i love her 3 times in a day , if its too much or not . Everyone is diferent , and i cant date someone who wants space for herself all the time
Author redbull2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Maybe it's coming to an end, but I don't get that vibe from what you wrote. I think she's getting worried that you're too clingy. From a female perspective, it's odd for a man to jump into love and long-term discussions after three months. Sometimes it's just right, but it's still off-putting and disturbing. Take her desire for distance at face value and give her distance. If I were in your girlfriend's shoes, I'd be worried that you were temporarily "addicted" to the relationship. Your ability to give her space will prove that you're not just getting a fix from an emotional high. If this is the case, it's not game playing on her part, it's just self-protection. When you're together - at your place, her place, with friends - do you ever just let her be or do you need to be interacting constantly? Do you ever just let her screw around on her phone/iPad/computer while you do the same? That's a big part of a healthy relationship, not needing constant validation that you want to be in each other's company. She is the one who initiated all the sweet talk and said in the beginning she was addicted to me and liked it. Last week she told me i was the man for her and she talked (again) about moving in with me. I always let her be when she needs it. One day she was annoyed and i just went over to my friend to give her some space. She loved that. I would do anything to let her breathe, but i can't handle that she communicates less with me now and seems less interested and caring. That makes me insecure. Hopefully this is just a phase. 3 months mark or something.
amantis Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Lol ok You said : 'I always let her be when she needs it. One day she was annoyed and i just went over to my friend to give her some space. She loved that.' theres going to be a point when you dont know if going to your friend and give her space is the right choice . I tell you now , theres going to be alot of times when you go to your friend and leave her alone and she is going to complain that you didnt give her atention look , maybe my problem was that i was married for 6 years , and i never understood wtf she wanted .. she wanted some space , but then she wanted atention .. i never knew what she wanted from me . if i date again i want someone just normal , and someone who wants to spend time with me .
NeverDated Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 She is the one who initiated all the sweet talk and said in the beginning she was addicted to me and liked it. Last week she told me i was the man for her and she talked (again) about moving in with me. I always let her be when she needs it. One day she was annoyed and i just went over to my friend to give her some space. She loved that. I would do anything to let her breathe, but i can't handle that she communicates less with me now and seems less interested and caring. That makes me insecure. Hopefully this is just a phase. 3 months mark or something. It doesn't really matter who initiated it. There's a general societal expectation that women will initiate the mushy talk and that men will begrudgingly reciprocate and demand space. It's the bad old stereotype working its magic - women are clingy and emotional; men are withdrawn and objective. So when a man starts grabbing hold as hard as a woman will let him, it's confusing. I went through something mildly similar with my boyfriend, however he was the one to initiate. At the 8 week mark, he dropped "I think I'm falling in love with you." We initially had some clearly defined boundaries, but that just steamrolled all of them. I withdrew, and for the next two weeks it progressed from "I think" to "I am" to "I love you." Poor guy had to wait a month from the initial bomb to get any kind of reciprocity or validation (I just wasn't ready to verbally confirm), but in the interim I acted much like your girlfriend. I wanted space to ensure it wasn't just some kind of quick-burning flame. Once I saw that he was willing to back off, give me space and still be interested, I relaxed into it. So, as another poster said, just mirror her behavior. She may just want to take a few steps backward and ease into more frequent interaction.
dasein Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Sorry if I missed this, but how does she respond to you sexually and physically? Has that changed? Has your frequency of sex or physical activity changed? This is an important distinction in your situation IMO.
Author redbull2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 Sorry if I missed this, but how does she respond to you sexually and physically? Has that changed? Has your frequency of sex or physical activity changed? This is an important distinction in your situation IMO. Physically she doesn't touch as much. Only holding hands. Sexually there doesnt seem to be any difference. I haven't seen her since the weekend though.
Author redbull2012 Posted April 19, 2012 Author Posted April 19, 2012 It doesn't really matter who initiated it. There's a general societal expectation that women will initiate the mushy talk and that men will begrudgingly reciprocate and demand space. It's the bad old stereotype working its magic - women are clingy and emotional; men are withdrawn and objective. So when a man starts grabbing hold as hard as a woman will let him, it's confusing. I went through something mildly similar with my boyfriend, however he was the one to initiate. At the 8 week mark, he dropped "I think I'm falling in love with you." We initially had some clearly defined boundaries, but that just steamrolled all of them. I withdrew, and for the next two weeks it progressed from "I think" to "I am" to "I love you." Poor guy had to wait a month from the initial bomb to get any kind of reciprocity or validation (I just wasn't ready to verbally confirm), but in the interim I acted much like your girlfriend. I wanted space to ensure it wasn't just some kind of quick-burning flame. Once I saw that he was willing to back off, give me space and still be interested, I relaxed into it. So, as another poster said, just mirror her behavior. She may just want to take a few steps backward and ease into more frequent interaction. Did you also get confused and backed down on the compliments, sweet talk and general interaction? We already love eachother. Like i said, she was madly in love but seems less involved now. My gut feelings says that she is noticing my flaws and has some doubts. I try to mirror her behavior and its almost like talking to a friend sometimes. Occasionally she throws in a "hey honey" and told me once this week that she loved me. No flirt, no laughs or dirty talk I want to, but don't know how to initiate when she is like that. Im a big thinker and she's annoyed by that. She wants me to relax. But how can i relax if she takes away her loving personality in which i fell in love with. Bad spiral.
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