Ok, ok I get it NC - But....

[Jadempk]

I think to move on I really want to know what happened?

It may be GIGS or whatever but I am just confused.

We were texting and I told him I was sick about being fed bulls**it about "not knowing what you want" because obviosly it's not me because I am the only aspect in his life that he has changed. he said that I'm not and that he's changing everything. I said what are you going to day to which he replied be different in every way. I said why, what is wrong with who you are? No reply. I said what don't you like about yourself? He said don't worry have a good day. I asked him and told him I was here to help but he said it's not your problem, don't worry and told me his problems are his own and I find a way to fix everything :/

I said well you cant fix me and I just don't see why I had to leave.

He said:

Coz I'm not happy with any part of my life and I want to fix everything before moving forward his could have been the biggest mistake of my life or it could be just what i need to move forward and be really happy im still not sure need way more time to find out. Hope your days going good.

 

WTF? I just want to understand what he is going through - I hate that I feel like he has shut me out. He has shut the whole world out.

[Philosoraptor]

Seems like you are being fed a bunch of crap. Most people will do whatever they can to limit their guilt, which oftentimes leads them to blame the breakup on anything but the true reasons.

 

Some people just don't match up, and feelings change... but that sounds too harsh thus the softening of the blow.

[Jadempk]

I wish I didn't care.

 

A few days ago I went to our old house (he is away at work) so I could collect my vacuum and some documents and our friends who are a couple were moving in to their new house across the road at that very moment!! FML I felt so sick and jelous. I wanted that happiness again. Everything makes me think of him still - Brad and Angelina get engaged after 7yrs and me and my bf break up. I just wonder why waste 7yrs with smeone if you want to be single?????

 

I have tried to keep normal and just did 1 week of placement for my uni studies, been out twice with friends, went for a few walks but I'm not sure if it's enough. I want t see my friends more but they r busy with uni and relationships. I even tried writing in a journal so i could let my emotions go (40 pages so far!) but no luck. I have tried the positive thinking, ect but it dosen't last for long. I don't even know if I am doing the right thing.

[HollyBolly]

I wish I didn't care.

 

A few days ago I went to our old house (he is away at work) so I could collect my vacuum and some documents and our friends who are a couple were moving in to their new house across the road at that very moment!! FML I felt so sick and jelous. I wanted that happiness again. Everything makes me think of him still - Brad and Angelina get engaged after 7yrs and me and my bf break up. I just wonder why waste 7yrs with smeone if you want to be single?????

 

I have tried to keep normal and just did 1 week of placement for my uni studies, been out twice with friends, went for a few walks but I'm not sure if it's enough. I want t see my friends more but they r busy with uni and relationships. I even tried writing in a journal so i could let my emotions go (40 pages so far!) but no luck. I have tried the positive thinking, ect but it dosen't last for long. I don't even know if I am doing the right thing.

 

I am really sorry you're in such turmoil. Honey, there really isn't a 'right thing to do'. You are so young, too. It is what it is. It is a breakup and it hurts.

 

As for Brad and Angelina...really? They are more lost than you are, chances. Just try to focus on the good things in your life.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Brad and Angelina are together because no one else wants them, and she's still trying to complete her "children of Western Europe" collection...But I digress. Don't compare. EVeryone's situation is different. And your ex fed you the "It's not you...It's me" bs speech. He wanted to squelch the awkwardness, say what seemed right at the time, etc. Kind of like the time an ex of mine said "I have to go find myself" to which I replied "When you find yourself, get lost..."

[HollyBolly]

And your ex fed you the "It's not you...It's me" bs speech. He wanted to squelch the awkwardness, say what seemed right at the time, etc. Kind of like the time an ex of mine said "I have to go find myself" to which I replied "When you find yourself, get lost..."

 

LOL When my ex told me she just was looking forward to being alone, I said, "Yeah, alone with Tom, Dick and Harry."

[Jadempk]

Yeah comparison isn't really good but everything just reminds me of "us".

I want to feel better, and I want to get excited about the things that used to make me happy.

My plan has been NC for the 2 weeks my ex is away, and then for the 1 week he is back rotationally it will be LC as we still have things to sort out. Meaning that ignoring him isn't an option if he asks me a question.

 

I just got a text from him asking how I have been - I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND!!! It's a simple question but I don't know what to say.

[TaraMaiden]

Whoah!!!

 

Say nothing, reply to nothing and go no contact!!

He's the one who wanted to end this, he gave you a bunch of bull and now he's throwing you breadcrumbs!!

 

Read the NC caliguy guide in my signature - it's all beautifully explained in there!

He's contacting you to make himself feel better - not you!

This is part of the guilt trap he will pull you in to...

 

by responding to him, you alleviate his guilt!

 

Well phukkdat for a game of dominoes!

 

DO NOT REPLY TO ANYTHING!!!

[Dark Phoenix]

Umm everything your ex said makes perfect sense! I do not understand how people think its a load of bullcrap

 

Coz I'm not happy with any part of my life and I want to fix everything before moving forward his could have been the biggest mistake of my life or it could be just what i need to move forward and be really happy im still not sure need way more time to find out. Hope your days going good.

 

He wants space to fix his life. Hes not happy. Why would you want to be ina relationship with someone thats not happy with themselves or their path in life. You would have to roll around in the mud with him and he would bring you down.

 

This is a blessing in disguise. He's setting you free. Its not your job or obligation to fix him.

 

As for your question on his most recent text message? Tell him how you feel or say nothing. Its not a trick question

[TaraMaiden]

it's not a trick question, but it is designed to elicit a response to put his mind at ease.

 

If he wants to break up and not have her in his life - then just bloody well get on with it, don't now try to drag her back into it.

 

He either wants to move on, or he doesn't.

but he can't expect to be able to keep a foot in both camps.

 

It was his decision, entirely.

Now, frankly, he has to suck it up.

[Dark Phoenix]

it's not a trick question, but it is designed to elicit a response to put his mind at ease.

 

If he wants to break up and not have her in his life - then just bloody well get on with it, don't now try to drag her back into it.

 

He either wants to move on, or he doesn't.

but he can't expect to be able to keep a foot in both camps.

 

It was his decision, entirely.

Now, frankly, he has to suck it up.

 

Not everyone is a black and white thinker. That's your perception of how he feels. Being in his shoes before, its an attempt to provide comfort to her at a friendship level (making sure shes ok). He doesn't know or understand what he's doing could be harmful.

 

Just because he wants space from a relationship doesnt mean he can't be friendly with someone he loves. He's not a black and white thinker like most of the people on this board are. Hence why people feel they are being played or manipulated in a lot of breakups.

[TaraMaiden]

Not everyone is a black and white thinker. That's your perception of how he feels.

 

Pot. kettle and black, Dark Phoenix... you have a long-term habit of taking what people say, adding 2 + 2 and making 7.....

 

Being in his shoes before, its an attempt to provide comfort to her at a friendship level (making sure shes ok). He doesn't know or understand what he's doing could be harmful.

No he doesn't - but we do.

 

So we can only explain that to the OP and get her to follow the best advice possible - the one in the no Contact guide.

Ir works really well....

 

Just because he wants space from a relationship doesnt mean he can't be friendly with someone he loves. He's not a black and white thinker like most of the people on this board are. Hence why people feel they are being played or manipulated in a lot of breakups.

 

I think his thinking is extremely black and white.

He makes a decision, and cuts people out...

 

Let's see here.....

 

We were texting and I told him I was sick about being fed bulls**it about "not knowing what you want" because obviosly it's not me because I am the only aspect in his life that he has changed. he said that I'm not and that he's changing everything. I said what are you going to day to which he replied be different in every way. I said why, what is wrong with who you are? No reply. I said what don't you like about yourself? He said don't worry have a good day. I asked him and told him I was here to help but he said it's not your problem, don't worry and told me his problems are his own and I find a way to fix everything :/

I said well you cant fix me and I just don't see why I had to leave.

He said:

Coz I'm not happy with any part of my life and I want to fix everything before moving forward This could have been the biggest mistake of my life or it could be just what i need to move forward and be really happy im still not sure need way more time to find out. Hope your days going good.

 

that's pretty definite, on the nail and final.

If he's confused now, and seeking some kind of subconscious approval from her that he made the right decision ("If she's ok, it means i'm good to go, because obviously, if she's ok, then it didn't hurt all that much....") then he's really going to have to see himself through this mess.

She has enough on her plate trying to move on from this, in her sadness and confusion, without adding comforting confirmation to his intrusion as well. He needs to leave her alone.

Or not.

But not both....

[Jadempk]

I still haven't yet. It's been just over 2 days since we last "spoke" over txt. FYI texting sucks! Talking is much better but I am definitely not going to call.

 

I would reply so easily if it felt easy. Is it sad that I got so excited when I got a txt from him? Yes, I am so not over it even though I try. I bet he is not pining over how to reply to my messages but I don't want to lie, I don't want to tell him how pathetic I have been today by doing **** all. I do want him to be upset, but I don't too. Thinking of him feeling upset/crying kills me.I guess I don't know what I want. anymore.

 

Another reason it is difficult to respond is that he always replies with one word ,ect and if I told him that I was miserable his one word response would frustrate the hell out of me. I don't want to ease his guilt either because this has been a really ****ty,cowardly breakup and although I understand the reasons he choose on how to do it, it hurts nonetheless.

 

I wanted to help him, I love him. He didn't seem unhappy but perhaps I just took that as stress from work,ect. I did believe that he was being truthful in saying he wasn't happy/not sure what he wants but when I think about it why get rid of me? Why am I the first thing to go so he can test this theory? He has lied about things to make me feel better, why would this be any different?

[Jadempk]

I think NC will be good soon,after we sort out the finals. It seems like it will happen naturally anyway. When he "almost" broke up with me 2 days prior to his txt breakup he was crying and said he didn't want to lose me and still wanted me in his life, but over the course of the last 3 weeks he can't even explain to me (or should I say refuses to) what is going on with him?

He would be a great friend but right now I am not eve sure if he is being honest with me. I feel like he is going to dissapear and I wont see him for a long time. he is a good person, and I would like to be his friend at some point. I just dont know

[TaraMaiden]

I still haven't yet. It's been just over 2 days since we last "spoke" over txt. FYI texting sucks! Talking is much better but I am definitely not going to call.

Good.

The heard voice hurts more, sometimes....

 

... I am so not over it even though I try. I bet he is not pining over how to reply to my messages but I don't want to lie, I don't want to tell him how pathetic I have been today by doing **** all. I do want him to be upset, but I don't too. Thinking of him feeling upset/crying kills me.I guess I don't know what I want. anymore.

No, you DO know what you want.

the agonising thing, is that he doesn't want what you want....

 

.....I don't want to ease his guilt either because this has been a really ****ty,cowardly breakup and although I understand the reasons he choose on how to do it, it hurts nonetheless.

 

Do you understand the logic of my advising you to not respond, and why?

 

Please read the NC guide, it will help you.

If you have any questions, ask....

 

..... I did believe that he was being truthful in saying he wasn't happy/not sure what he wants but when I think about it why get rid of me? Why am I the first thing to go so he can test this theory? He has lied about things to make me feel better, why would this be any different?

 

When our balloon is losing height, we jettison the extra weight in order to stay afloat, or up.

some of the things we chuck out, are the things we brought along, because they would be useful... yet now, they're heavy, and we may crash if we don't hurl them away.

We also may not - but it's an unknown risk.

Better chuck them out, just in case.

better to go without and try to survive, than stick with them and possibly end up worse off....

 

That's what he's done.

And whether it was a wise move, a reckless one, or a self-deluding measure, only he can tell.

you can't second-guess the guy.

You can't fix him, or make things better for him.

This work, is all down to him, and you have to focus on you.

He's hurled you into the wide blue yonder.

you have to start flapping those wings and start flying....

[TaraMaiden]

I think NC will be good soon,after we sort out the finals. It seems like it will happen naturally anyway. When he "almost" broke up with me 2 days prior to his txt breakup he was crying and said he didn't want to lose me and still wanted me in his life, but over the course of the last 3 weeks he can't even explain to me (or should I say refuses to) what is going on with him?

He would be a great friend but right now I am not eve sure if he is being honest with me. I feel like he is going to dissapear and I wont see him for a long time. he is a good person, and I would like to be his friend at some point. I just dont know

 

First of all, are we sure nobody else is involved?

Secondly, to be his friend, you must have first ceased to be in love with him.

how long that will take, is up to you, entirely....

[Jadempk]

I did read the guide about 2 weeks ago I think but I will again, I wasn't exactly in a great mindset then. I'll read it again. NC is for me to ignore his existence right? So that it makes it easier for me to forget and get over him? So that I can focus on me and move on - not sure will have to read it again it seems.

 

I do want to go NC for a while just to see if it works but I have to stay in contact for a little while longer for car documents and little things we are finalisng.

 

Can we ever be 100% sure there isn't someone else? No, but I believe that there isn't. When he txt me to break up he said he found someone else and she made him really happy. That crushed me so I called and started throwing all these question at him like how did u meet? Who is she? Name? ect,ect. He found it hard to reply and took a while too. It really hurt to think while I was at home working, studying and looking after everything he was leading a second life in the mining town.

 

It also didn't sound like him. We have had a few deep and meaningful conversations as a couple. I once asked if he ever has cheated on me? He said no, and he wouldn't because he would hate to be cheated on himself. When his parents helped me pack his dad who is very close to him said it sounded very unlike him. I called my ex and said there isn't anyone else, is there? And he said no. I was like why the hell put me through that then?? He said during the week when he said we might need a break I was fighting so hard for us. He knew I wouldn't let him go without a fight. But he thought if I believed he was with someone else I would leave it alone (he got that wrong).

I told his dad the next day packing again and he said yeah, "exbf" and I were talking last night and he said he just said it to try and get you to leave him alone. You guys are so young(22) and have only been with each other (7yrs), but we are still here for you too.

 

When he came back to town after 1 week of the break up we did meet up 3 times (not good for my sanity, I know) and spent time hanging out and yes, having sex. We talked a bit more and he said it would be unfair for me to wait and he wants me to go have fun (sleep around). He suggested we have fun when he comes back and I said NO WAY - we have only been with each other and I don't want to have sex with you if you are sleeping around. He said he hadn't even touched himself until he saw me, and that it will be a good few months before he will even be able to think about that. I told him that I am not going to wait around and that he will regret it, especially if I fall in love with someone else. He said yes I will miss you and I might regret it but that's my problem. I cuddled him to me because he was getting teary eyed and it kills me to see him so upset.

 

So no, I don't think there is anyone else. Yes he will probably start sleeping around soon he is a very sexual creature. Yes it hurts me because I will only sleep with someone I love.

 

I just want to stop hurting, or start hurting less. And I want to be able to reply to him without worry/care for this point in time while we are sorting things out. That's why I still haven't replied - I just don't know how to say how I feel and not give him control over me yet not ignore him.

[Phanpooh]

I was in his shoe once long time ago. I didnt know what is about everything. I got lost and told my gf that i need some space for 2 weeks, and we did a lc, that was nice, cuz i found my unlimit and i truly love her. But she just wanted to break up with me. Everyone here is simply thinking about black or white, what the hell for? It is happened, let it go!

It is his choice, let him pay for that. Maybe he love you more than himself, may not. Let everything come naturally.

Before break up, she, my ex ask me for some space, but she also told me that she loved me and she need me leave her alone. I told her:

you just loved yourself when you were with me and i do, leave you alone with your " just a friend"

2m later, she just sleep on his bed.

And i hope she wont come back to me at all

[emface4]

Very familiar situation to what I am in. 3 weeks ago, my ex started to act funny and started shutting me out. We were very very close and told each other EVERYTHING and after 3 years you would think there would be nothing we couldn't talk about. He has a new circle of friends and they take more importance in his life right now than I do. It hurts, it hurts a hell of a lot but you have to cut him out. I know you are hurt and confused and want to help him but the truth is at this moment in time, there is NOTHING you can do except leave him to it. If you keep persuing him, you are going to end up being broken. He needs to sort himself out and in the meantime, you need to respect his space and leave him to it. I let my ex know I was always there for him and I always will be. Maybe one last text saying you are always there and you will leave him to figure out what he wants then NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL. Concerntrate on yourself for now and don't feel guilty, you care about him but don't put your life on hold for him. xxx

[Phanpooh]

Very familiar situation to what I am in. 3 weeks ago, my ex started to act funny and started shutting me out. We were very very close and told each other EVERYTHING and after 3 years you would think there would be nothing we couldn't talk about. He has a new circle of friends and they take more importance in his life right now than I do. It hurts, it hurts a hell of a lot but you have to cut him out. I know you are hurt and confused and want to help him but the truth is at this moment in time, there is NOTHING you can do except leave him to it. If you keep persuing him, you are going to end up being broken. He needs to sort himself out and in the meantime, you need to respect his space and leave him to it. I let my ex know I was always there for him and I always will be. Maybe one last text saying you are always there and you will leave him to figure out what he wants then NO MORE CONTACT AT ALL. Concerntrate on yourself for now and don't feel guilty, you care about him but don't put your life on hold for him. xxx

 

oh yeah, at my last text she told me " leave me alone please, i don't love you and i don't think i might love you in future again"

yup! I dun understand her "love" and i wished her the best...

[Jadempk]

Yeah I can see that the distance will work best for both of us, for me so I wont hurt myself and for him perhaps so he can see exactly the life he has asked for. I am not planning on waiting but it is so HARD to do anything....I can't stop missing him. Oh I wish I could. He is currently back for his week at home (works 2 weeks away) and got home last night. He asked how I had been a couple days ago and I replied a day later with pretty good, been keeping busy. A couple hrs later he replied that's good then. I left it at that. Then last night he asked "what are you up to tonight?" and I didn't want to lie and pretend I was all busy so I said "Not alot just chilling, might watch a movie then sleep". Then immediately I get a text back saying "oh". Pfft why bother texting at all? I had my friend ith me and she said its probably just him trying to talk to me....but really? Oh? I didn't reply.

I have to see him while he is back to sort out paperwork and collect my bike which is why I am still texting....I am trying to seem "fake friendly" but have not asked him any questions back. I will no show any emotion but it is hard.

I know he misses me but it is what he chose, I am giving him what he wants...he is probably just bored and lonely who knows?

[TaraMaiden]

I know he misses me but it is what he chose, I am giving him what he wants...he is probably just bored and lonely who knows?

 

More's the point -

 

WHO CARES - !?

 

Why are you even responding??

Have you not read this thread??

Why are you pandering to him by replying??

HE HAS CUT YOU OUT OF HIS LIFE - BUT HE'S STILL YANKING YOUR CHAIN!!

 

Jeesh!

You really are giving him what he wants - by pandering to his ego, and answering him, he has exactly what he wants - you not as his GF, but someone he can still yo-yo at whim!

 

For goodness' sake!

If he has dumped you - then back off, at 100 miles per hour, and DO NOT RESPOND-!!!

 

"Ok, I get NC -"....?

 

No. Clearly, you don't get it at all.....

**Facepalm!!**