I can't let her go.

[AdamEE]

Hello,

 

My name is Adam, I am about to turn 24 and I have been going through a very hard time the past couple of weeks. I would like some serious advice. I will keep this as short as I feel it can be kept, but will be happy to provide details upon request if it will help to make a decision.

 

Alright, I was dating a girl for the past two years. Things started off with a bang. We have known each other since high school, 7 years ago, so it was very much like rediscovering an old friend. She accepted me in the pathetic state that I was in at the time, and those first months were some of the best.

 

At the time I was working a dead-end job and spending most of my time and money on smoking weed with my friends. Well, she inspired me to go back to school, and I am currently finishing up my second year in electrical engineering strongly.

 

As the relationship progressed, she needed much more than I was giving her. More time, more care, more everything. I love her deeply, and I tried to be accommodating to her. I made more of an effort to see her on my free time, and over the past 6 months things were getting progressively better.

 

I wasn't doing enough though. I still spent many weekends at home with my family and friends, smoking weed and just trying to enjoy myself. I did make efforts, but it seemed like the more I gave her the more she needed.

 

Well, about 2 weeks ago she called me and told me that she had feelings for another guy. I freaked out pretty badly, kind of lost my mind. I didn't insult her or anything, but I told her it was over between us, and proceeded to not sleep for two days.

 

I did what I normally did. I tried to wash away the bad feelings with weed and alcohol. It only made me feel worse. It made me feel so bad, in fact, that I really started to look at my actions. I had a serious breakdown and decided that weed was causing everything in my life to suffer. My family, my school (although I still maintain a 3.0), and most especially her.

 

I called her and told her that I know I haven't been there for her like I should. I told her that I know, now, that weed was taking me out of my own life and making me disregard things that were actually important. She told me that she was also very upset about the breakup and that she had not been getting much sleep, or eaten much. Also, that I didn't need to tell her that weed was ruining things, she knew very well.

 

Since then, I have come clean to my family about my drug abuse. I told them all about everything I have done, smoking weed regularly for the past 5 years right under their nose. It was really hard to put myself out there and ask for support, but they were very understanding and said they would help in any way they could.

 

That first week I went from smoking virtually all the time to only twice a day, and very small amounts. This week I haven't been smoking at all, and I am having some nasty withdrawals. A lot of people say that marijuana withdrawals are fictitious, but you'd be hard pressed to convince me of that.

 

We have been talking regularly since then, and I went to see her for her birthday. I got her a promise ring and promised her that I would never again place anything unimportant before her. As always, when we are together she is very sweet and we can't seem to argue with each other as we are too busy being in love and having a good time.

 

So, what's the problem? Well, she is extremely hesitant about us getting back together. She doesn't want me to slip back into the way I was before. She tells me that she doesn't believe that the changes I'm making will last, and that it will take a lot of convincing for her to believe me. All I can do is tell her that I stand by my promise.

 

She lost a lot of affection for me in a very short period of time, it tapers off when I haven't seen her for a few days. But, it's not always practical for me to see her as we both go to college, with her school being a 45 min drive from my own. And, now it seems like the more I try to be a good boyfriend, the more she backs away. She tells me that she wants us to be together and be happy, we even talked about finally moving in together. All kinds of nice things. But at the same time she says she doesn't believe me.

 

Maybe it's hard for some of you to consider that I might actually be telling the truth. I can understand that. Just a pot head missing his girlfriend, right? Entertain the fact that I may have had an epiphany and truly do want to rid myself of the burden of weed. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I gave that **** up, and it's been really hard on me dealing with so many things all at once.

 

Tonight she said that a lot of the damage has been done, and that although I may be telling the truth, that she might never feel the same way towards me again. This, on top of her professions that she loves me and wants us to work out. So confusing.

 

She said that the best times we had together were when I was sober for a couple weeks, but that I'd slip off. I want to give her the best that I have, to show her that she is above and beyond more important than weed or anything unimportant. I love her so much I can't stand the thought of losing her. I just want to stay clean and show her that I can give her what she always wanted.

 

Have I started these changes too late, and now I have to suffer for the rest of my life knowing that I could have been a better person, but waited too long?

 

Will she ever feel the same way for me again?

 

What can I do to show her how sincere I am?

 

Should I just call it all quits and let her move on or is there some way I can win her heart back?

 

Please help,

 

-Adam

[Philosoraptor]

I think it's great you are working on yourself, but do it for you... not someone else. I know the role of changing little things here and there and with the right person you won't even recognize yourself after awhile. It really doesn't seem like you two were a very natural fit and when you change too much for someone else, resentment is sure to fall into place somewhere.

 

Since she had already developed feelings for someone else I would just let her go and continue to strive to better yourself for whomever you find that accepts you the way you are.

[flitzanu]

i agree with raptor. that sounds eerily similar to my situation. they want things different, but when you change, it doesn't matter or isn't real.

 

that's because they've already decided they want to move on, but they are keeping you around until things are finalized with their new interest. right now you're second choice. don't be.

[Chi townD]

I agree with the others. I could give a damn if she doesn't TRUST you in your recovery or not. You don't need that kind of LACK of support. You need to fix you FOR you.

 

Dude, just think about it. NOTHING GOOD ever comes from drugs or alcohol. Name me one good outcome from doing that stuff. You get caught with pot, you go to jail. Yu get caught drinking and driving or Baking and driving, you go to jail and lose your license. Your pissing all your money away on pot, when you could be saving it for something you really want. Or taking a trip somewhere. You need to make those changes for you and you alone.

 

There are sooo many support groups out there. Find one and get your butt in there!

 

Now, about your Ex. You are not going to change her mind. Chances are she checked out of the relationship a long time ago; she just never told you about it. She was just cooling her heels until she found somone that she thought was better, now she's kicking you to the curb.That's why it seems she could really give a damn. Because, to be honest, she doesn't. She stopped caring a while ago. I guarantee you that she's investing more time and interest in this other guy than in you. Now, how is that fair to you?

 

Work on your recovery and get your revenge. Finish school. Electrical Engineers make a damn good living. Get clean and go see the world!

[AdamEE]

Thank you all for your replies and support.

 

I have decided to let things settle out, to stop chasing her, and to continue working to improve myself for my own benefit.

 

IF in the future she decides she wants to try us out again, I may be receptive. But, not until I can stay clean and think calmly about the situation.

 

I am shifting my attention back to where it belongs; with my school and family. I will always love her, but I need to face reality.

[AdamEE]

Well, days after I told her that I was going to leave her alone, she comes to see me at my apartment. Within the first 5 minutes she is all over me. She cried to me and told me that it was all her fault, that she is really sorry, and that a lot of the complaints she had were just bull****.

 

We went out to eat, and everything seemed so great. She had that look in her eye like she used to, just loving and beautiful. We talked about everything from marriage to children, laughed, cried, and kissed. I really started to believe that she was going to call this whole breakup off and that everything was going to be great again.

 

I soon found out the terrible truth. She admitted to me that she had sex with this guy only a day or two ago. But that it "didn't mean anything" and that she doesn't want to have a relationship with him. WTF?!! Are you serious? You mean to tell me that this girl who I was so deeply emotionally invested in had sex with this guy on what I found out was their 3rd date. And not only that, but it meant nothing to her and she doesn't even want to date him.

 

I don't know what you think about that, but that is pretty gross. What's even worse about it is that she spent so much time making me feel like an inadequate POS boyfriend, when she actually was just making excuses to try something new and exciting. Sex is more to me than a friendly gesture or a pleasant exchange, and certainly would never fall into the category of "doesn't mean anything." I am shocked and appalled that the girl I love is capable of such things.

 

Yes, I made mistakes in our relationship. But, as many people have reassured me, I made more of an effort and put up with more nonsense than most any sane boyfriend would. And although when I wrote my original post I was very down in the dumps and hated myself, it turns out that it wasn't my lack of love or care that led to this. You know what was? I WASN'T THERE MOST OF THE TIME.

 

Remember how I said that when we were physically together everything was great? The cuddling, the sex, the jokes, the playful attitudes, the flirting...it's all great when we are together. But, as soon as we were apart she would become distant and moody. Now, there's this schmuck of a man who has the privilege of being in close proximity to her on a regular basis. Unluckily for me, she soaks up the attention he gave her like a sponge. My inner primate screams for justice in the form of violence; I want to beat this guy into a pulp. But, my brain is telling me that, "If it wasn't him, it would have just been the next guy to give her attention."

 

You see, I have this problem. In my family, we have a very narrow definition of the emotion "love." When you love someone, you stick together with them no matter what. Sometimes we fight, but our parents can't just divorce each other over an argument any more than I can divorce my brothers or sisters. It's an old-fashioned, idealistic form of love that has a real place in mine and my family member's hearts. A couple of us unlucky younger ones always seem to get hurt because we just have a completely different definition of love on a very deep level, whereas most people's definition of love falls far short. And that strong, binding, unending love is the love that I invested into our relationship.

 

It is such a powerful feeling, in fact, that even now I still love her and still care about her happiness. I still imagine us getting back together, although I don't think I could ever fully forgive her actions. I have started thinking that she is very undeserving of my love, though. I don't want to wonder if she is going to off and **** the next door neighbor if we get married and she gets bored with things. Not worth the heartache.

 

So, she left that night. And the most embarrassing thing is that I wanted her to stay. Even with all the bull****, I still love her that much. But she told me that she can't keep hurting me anymore, and that she has to be away from me long enough to truly figure out what she wants in life right now... to be with the man she wants to settle down with, or to go out and experience any relationship life puts in front of her.

 

My own way of thinking is that she is going to realize that she made a mistake ever letting me go, and by that time I hope that I have enough balls and anger built up towards her to tell her NO THANKS!! I don't want someone in my life who thinks it's OK to screw around with other guys and toy with very powerful, life-altering emotions while she casually makes up her mind. But, then again, if she came to me and professed her undying love and promised to be faithful and committed, I probably would cave in and give her everything all over again..

 

And to those of you interested, I am still getting clean. Regardless of my relationship situation, I am still fully invested in bettering my life and getting drug-free. It was a pretty tough blow going through this crap, but I'm not going to let it ruin my life, and I know that getting clean is the first step to improving things. I have smoked very little over the past couple of weeks, and I am already seeing many things much more clearly.

 

I would really like to hear some of your thoughts.

[jennisfora]

i am sorry you are going through this. You are both very young, and I am sure she regrets what she did very much. will she do it again? possibly. I know when i was in my twenties, it was a selfish time for me, and often i wouldnt think of others. i think she may be in a similar place. i think you are right, that she basically, thought up a list of problems to make her feel better about being curious about sex with another.

 

she sounds still very immature, and me me me. i do not think she will be settle down worthy for a while, and you are young. this is your time to discover what you want and who you are too. if you cant get past this, i would tell her, and break up with her on your terms. actions have consequences, and you are not comfortable with her doing this in a casual way. if you feel you want to get past this, perhaps tell her you need time to think, and go NC for a while, and see if this relationship is still what you want. get clarity. anyway, whatever you do, i wish you luck. *hugs*

[AdamEE]

Thanks for your quick reply. It's good to hear some encouragement and feedback.

 

I would still like to hear more from people seeing this from different angles. Is this an unusual situation, or am I simply experiencing what many have gone through before?

 

Should I try and forget about her, or let myself wonder if we might get back together?

[Green Light]

Thanks for your quick reply. It's good to hear some encouragement and feedback.

 

I would still like to hear more from people seeing this from different angles. Is this an unusual situation, or am I simply experiencing what many have gone through before?

 

Should I try and forget about her, or let myself wonder if we might get back together?

 

Don't let yourself be played! Get away from this girl. She is obviously very manipulative! Let her go manipulate someone else!

[dsw31]

It's Sunday - spark up the bong!

[dsw31]

Hey op,

 

I was just having some fun with you .I think you should only stop smoking weed, if that's what you think is best, for yourself. If she can't accept you for you-another girl will. I personally, find nothing wrong with marijuana.Other drugs-not so much

[HollyBolly]

Hey op,

 

I was just having some fun with you .I think you should only stop smoking weed, if that's what you think is best, for yourself. If she can't accept you for you-another girl will. I personally, find nothing wrong with marijuana.Other drugs-not so much

 

And Hallelujah to vodka!

[AdamEE]

Thanks again for the replies.

 

I don't consider marijuana to be a terrible thing, either. But, like anything else, it can be done to excess. Too much of anything is bad for you. And, for a college student with such a difficult choice of study I find that it can severely impact grades. And when you start neglecting people because you'd rather get high, you know there is a problem.

[dsw31]

Thanks again for the replies.

 

I don't consider marijuana to be a terrible thing, either. But, like anything else, it can be done to excess. Too much of anything is bad for you. And, for a college student with such a difficult choice of study I find that it can severely impact grades. And when you start neglecting people because you'd rather get high, you know there is a problem.

 

Adam,

You seem like you have a great head on your shoulders! You are right...if it impacts your grades or makes you neglect people, that's when you know it's a problem.I think you are doing good-just keep focusing on yourself & your school work.If it is meant to be with the girl, it will work itself out.Best of luck to you!

[flitzanu]

certainly explains her distant attitude. she kept you at bay because she wanted to bang someone else. she did, and now she wants you back. cheating without repercussion, more or less, because you weren't actually together, since she wouldn't commit to you.

[AdamEE]

First off, I have a huge test today..in about 4 hours time. I need to use this time to study, so I will be brief.

 

About an hour ago, the last thing on my mind was my ex. She texted me to ask "Are you okay? How was your weekend?" to which I replied "Anything I say to you isn't going to pass easily through texts. Call me if you want to talk."

 

So she called, sounding all timid and submissive. I realized that I couldn't talk to her without freaking out and screaming at her. I told her that today was just a bad day and that she should call back tomorrow because I am just going to end up saying something I will regret.

 

I don't have the luxury of being able to deal with these crazy emotions right now. It's just too much pressure on top of school, and I can't say for sure what I want anymore. A BIG part of me wants to scream and yell and tell her how terrible I think she is now. And a smaller, calmer part of me wants to take her back.

 

I think she's a total chode at this point, but I miss being with her.

 

Should I just go full NC with her until I know for sure what I want to do?

[flitzanu]

well, she disrespected you, that part is obvious.

 

so, yes, until you figure out how you feel about all of it, you should go NC. talking all the time isn't going to help you clear your head.