pep1 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 At first I was reluctant to go on a date with this guy. He gave me his number in a bar. I took the chance and have absolutly fallen head over heels for him. First date was amazing. He was attentive, bought me drinks, asked me questions and was actually interested in what I had to say. Beautiful personality. I went back to his house after. Second date was dinner only 3 days after. This date went even better. We talked for ages about all kinds of things. He remembered details about our last conversations. He was telling me personal things about his family. We were connecting in a big way. I again went back to his house after. I took a risk the next day and texted him telling him Id had a good time and would it be ok if I could see him again soon. He said he would like that but it would have to be after the weekend as he had "stuff" on. We ended up seeing each other on the sunday. 3 dates within a week 3rd date was going amazing. He let me know he had to go to a work meeting after but he made time to spend with me. He was affectionate and conversational, just lovely. Time for him to go so I walk him out. We went for the pash all was going well until I said "so do you want to do somethign this weekend?" his reply "Maybe" I said "maybe?! what is this maybe?" (I made sure I said this with a laugh) then he says "Ok we'll difinatly do somethign this weekend" But*now I feel like*I've pressured him into it and forced him to agree to another date *Im confused the overall date was awesome why then would his first response be "maybe" ? I know maybe he is busy, but deep down Im scared Im rushing him. He knows I like him and I think maybe we have seen so much of each other in a week he feels rushed. Im not sure what I should do. I know Im not very good at hiding my feelings. I dont want to loose this catch!
firehawk_1 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 dont rush him. remember how you girls claim to feel if you feel rushed if it was 1 text message in 3 weeks of seeing one another! do things on how you would feel.... not the other way around. it doesnt work just your way. be considerate and understanding.
Author pep1 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Do I still set up the next date for the weekend or should I test him and see if he initiates first?
Ruby Slippers Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Personally, I never push to set up the next date, phone call, whatever. I let him extend the invitation.
Emilia Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Do I still set up the next date for the weekend or should I test him and see if he initiates first? You shouldn't 'test' anyone. You are both adults. You said what you wanted, he understood. You initiated the next date, now wait and see whether he follows up on it. The way you are asking this question suggests to me that you come across pushy. Perhaps you need to relax and let him show you his pace otherwise he might find you overbearing.
phineas Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I've had someone tell me "maybe" for a date. I told them "Yeah, I don't care for the word maybe" They knew I wasn't joking.
january2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Chill. Focus your energies on something else so that you are not left to your own thoughts. The ball is in his court now.
phineas Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Chill. Focus your energies on something else so that you are not left to your own thoughts. The ball is in his court now. Honestly, in this situation I'd just take my ball & go home. Would someone genuinely interested in me say "maybe"? My experience says no.
january2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Honestly, in this situation I'd just take my ball & go home. Would someone genuinely interested in me say "maybe"? My experience says no. True. And after three dates, one would hope for a more enthusiastic response. However, let's just wait and see, shall we?
Mr. Slim Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 True. And after three dates, one would hope for a more enthusiastic response. However, let's just wait and see, shall we? I think three dates in one week is plenty interest. Are you kidding me? Maybe he actually had a life before he met her. Sheesh.
kofcydonia Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Did he say "maybe" with a joking tone? I've done that before - perhaps you're not picking up on it.
veggirl Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 If he planned and initiated the first 3 dates then yeah I'd say you should for the 4th. His maybe is weird, it makes me think he's not interested or that he wants to slow down a bit, but maybe it wasn't that big of a deal....if I'm reading the timeline correctly, you asked him about "this weekend" on a Sunday? He may not want to commit to a date a week away...which isn't that great of a sign...but who knows. I'd give it a try, call him with a plan for one day this weekend and see what happens. Ps, when you say you went home with him, does that mean sex?
CarrieT Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 First date was amazing. I went back to his house after. Second date was dinner only 3 days after. I again went back to his house after. Did going back to his house after the first two dates involve intercourse? If so, I'd say you gave it up too early and now he's reconsidering the whole package.
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 A few lessons here; #1) Just because a guy has a great personality, shares personal information, affectionate and a conversationalist does NOT mean he feels X way towards you. Do you realize that some men are just this way, regardless of intentions? Emotions are separate from qualities/traits, some people share a lot of information easily, some do not...does not necessarily signify anything ground breaking. He has to have the same desires and aspirations for a relationship, If he does not he disappears regardless...and just because you thought he was great doesn't mean his intentions are to have a relationship with you. Furthermore you don't know anything about the "man" in 3 dates, he's putting his best food forward at this point, this is just the beginning of getting to know somebody. #2) Going back to his place on date two clearly lets the man know the head way he is making (especially with sex obviously)...If his intentions are good, then this won't be a bad thing. However If his intentions are bad It leaves you open to being played with and he basically knows he already has you in the bag..challenge over, you've shown your cards up front and It's up to him to decide how he wants to play it. #3) Putting the ball in his court is not initiating all the contact or does not mean egging the man on and trying to see him again and again...the ball in his court should be something he does automatically, you shouldn't have to give the ball to a man, I can't for the life of me understand why people extend themselves so much then wonder why they get burned when they don't even have reasonable expectations of someone reciprocating interest. Bottom line: Those are just points that I felt were important to make, in the event this guy falls off the face of the earth...he could easily turn a corner and say "Look I had a great time with you, and have been...but I'm not looking for a relationship or to commit, I'm busy with a lot of things right now and I'm not interested in dedicating all my time to someone right now" You need to find out where he is at emotionally, is he looking for a relationship? how long has it been since he's been out of one? It sounds like you guys had a good time and there is good chemistry, beyond the point of "faking it" but make sure you slow your roll a little bit and find out what he's looking for, or this might be a temporary thing. Otherwise just go with it and you'll find out eventually (that's how I see most women approach the situation ) But you sound like a decently aware girl or you wouldn't even have been phased by this and just let it go, so I'm sure you'll figure it out. Take a step back, make him put in the effort...lay off the smothering and let him come after you a bit. If you don't get a good indication of how he feels and what he wants, you leave yourself to being blind-sided and having your bubble burst...It's important to make sure the other person is on the same page. 2
Author pep1 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Did he say "maybe" with a joking tone? I've done that before - perhaps you're not picking up on it. This might have been the case. I still find it slightly odd though. My brain is doing me in! If it was joking I'm in the all clear and would have no worries contacting him again. On the other hand my instincts could be right....and then I'm a bit stuck....
Author pep1 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 If he planned and initiated the first 3 dates then yeah I'd say you should for the 4th. His maybe is weird, it makes me think he's not interested or that he wants to slow down a bit, but maybe it wasn't that big of a deal....if I'm reading the timeline correctly, you asked him about "this weekend" on a Sunday? He may not want to commit to a date a week away...which isn't that great of a sign...but who knows. I'd give it a try, call him with a plan for one day this weekend and see what happens. Ps, when you say you went home with him, does that mean sex? He planned the first. The second was after I followed up and asked if he wanted to "grab a bite to eat" during the week. The third date was a mutual agreement, he was busy over the weekend and after agreeing to see each other during the week he pushed the date forward to the Sunday which was the last time I saw him. As for the PS, yes, we slept together the first two dates. I know I know, bad me but I'm really one for 'rules' in such matters.
Author pep1 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 So also, I think it might be important to give you a little bit of my background. A year and a half ago my ex husband cheated on me with a girl 8 years his junior whom he worked with. We had been married for 8 years and together 10. It has taken me a while to heal but I feel I am pushing on well. I have let go of him and anything we might have had together. I wasnt ready for a realation ship, even just a fun casual one for a while, I did let myself push through and I feel like a better person, Ive discovered a lot the past year and a half. I feel a lot of my paranoia in this new situation comes from dealing with a cheating ex. I had no controll in that situation and I think now I need to feel like I have to be certain about everything. Im not used to this "dating" thing and how regular people funtion, thus unintentionally coming off as "push" or "posessive" I know Im better than this but scars will run deep. I dont want*people to think Im impaired by my ex's actions, I just feel like im lost in this new world and situation and dont want to be scaring off men because of my past. I try and make sure I make a effort to not affect my life anymore. I dont want him to still have that power over me. ehhhh...
CarrieT Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 I don't want him to still have that power over me. Sorry, Hun.... Your Ex is irrelevent in this matter; you gave it up too early and gave this new guy ALL the power and now he's made his choice.
snowflakes88 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 It sounds to me like you initiated dates 2 and 3. I know you're saying 3 was mutual, but you said in your OP that you contacted him after date 2 and asked if you could see him again soon. He initiated the very first date - all of the rest has been you, with him going along with it. Couple that with the fact that you gave it up so quickly, and I agree with the others that he's probably lost interest. So at this point you've initiated dates 2, 3 and 4. I would not contact him again. If he wants to see you, he will contact you to set it up. In the future, I would advise against sex so early if you want a man to view you as relationship material.
Author pep1 Posted April 18, 2012 Author Posted April 18, 2012 Just wanted to post a quick update. I went 3 days with no contact and kept feeling increasingly bad about pushing him into the next date. Figuring I already had nothing to loose I went all in. I sent a message apologizing if I came of pushy. I made sure to be light hearted about it and not too intense. I said if he wanted to catch up that was great but I just didnt want him to think I was being a prat about it. He wrote back pretty much saying dont stress I really want to see you again. and that work was keeping him super busy. He had clients coming in from overseas this weekend and would let me know and was that ok? I fell a lot better now. Infact I think that text was the bet thing I could have done a that moment. thoughts?
Feelsgoodman Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Did going back to his house after the first two dates involve intercourse? If so, I'd say you gave it up too early and now he's reconsidering the whole package. No offense, but this sounds a bit odd coming from a person who admits to having participated in orgies and sleeping with hundreds of men...In any event, sex is not supposed to be a bargaining tool. I hate when women call it "giving up"...as if they are talking about surrendering some sort of an invaluable treasure.
veggirl Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Just wanted to post a quick update. I went 3 days with no contact and kept feeling increasingly bad about pushing him into the next date. Figuring I already had nothing to loose I went all in. I sent a message apologizing if I came of pushy. I made sure to be light hearted about it and not too intense. I said if he wanted to catch up that was great but I just didnt want him to think I was being a prat about it. He wrote back pretty much saying dont stress I really want to see you again. and that work was keeping him super busy. He had clients coming in from overseas this weekend and would let me know and was that ok? I fell a lot better now. Infact I think that text was the bet thing I could have done a that moment. thoughts? I think that's the typical "oh no worries, we will def see each other soon, just been sooooooo busy". If you'll notice, he had time to respond to you right away...but not time to initiate contact? DO NOT contact this guy again. He needs to show some initiative. You are teetering dangerously close to "chasing" him. Sorry I know his text made you feel better, and now here I am a buzzkill, but...it just seems like a cliche blow-off. Also, the "I'll let you know!"...well he should already know. He doesn't know when his clients are leaving? Why can't he schedule something for next week? Sorry....you shouldn't have sent that text. Fishing for reassurances early on is a bad sign (the fact that you have to do it, he's NOT making you feel reassured in general) and makes you look clingy. 4
dasein Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Sex or no sex, you are letting this guy know you are his, at his beck and call. People devalue things they don't feel they have to work some for, just human nature. Start lining up other prospects. Good luck.
LittleTiger Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Just wanted to post a quick update. I went 3 days with no contact and kept feeling increasingly bad about pushing him into the next date. Figuring I already had nothing to loose I went all in. I sent a message apologizing if I came of pushy. I made sure to be light hearted about it and not too intense. I said if he wanted to catch up that was great but I just didnt want him to think I was being a prat about it. He wrote back pretty much saying dont stress I really want to see you again. and that work was keeping him super busy. He had clients coming in from overseas this weekend and would let me know and was that ok? I fell a lot better now. Infact I think that text was the bet thing I could have done a that moment. thoughts? I think you should leave him alone. You went three days without contact and he didn't contact you - so you 'chased' him - you're still coming on too strong IMO. I agree with Carrie, if you had sex with him already, the only reason he is likely to see you again is for sex - he's not acting keen enough for anything else. Sorry, that's how I see it.
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