Getting back with ex-gf?

[CrunchyTempura]

Hey all. I'd like some others' opinions on my situation. Sorry if this turns into a lengthy post. I always hate those. Thanks.

 

So when I was 22, I began dating a girl right after college. We had our ups and downs but it was an extremely loving/good relationship that in its final months just began to go sour. We dated for about 2.5 years. We began getting into stupid fights and I think neither of us were happy with where our lives were going. I was knee-deep in a job that I hated, and she disliked her job as well and wanted to travel (whereas, I was going to Grad School a bit later and would not be able to travel). I think I began to ignore her needs a bit (as in doing nice things for her etc,) and she did the same to me. That created a lot of friction and it began to be like we were together just because neither of us wanted to be single again as opposed to truly loving each other still. She was big-time into smoking weed, and I was a mild smoker at best that didn't really like to hangout with her while she was high and I was not. Don't get me wrong though, the breakup was really intense and there were lots of tears shed and all that crap-ola. I think both of us were just bored of life, of our relationship, and both of us needed a change.

 

So it has been about 1.5 years since then. To be honest, after we broke up and she traveled around the world for quite some time, we hooked up a couple of times when she was in town and hung out a decent amount. After a few months of that, we became distant from each other (wasn't really an effort on either of our parts. Life just turned out that way). She traveled some more. I started Graduate School. I'd occasionally look at her Facebook, but I tried not to (just to keep her out of my mind), and that's pretty much the extent of our contact. She would occasionally text me something nonchalantly, but I wasn't interested in pursuing some kind of weird-post-relationship-friendship. I began dating someone else after some time, and the new girl and I weren't a perfect match but we hit it off pretty well. We dated for about 4-5 months and then mutually ended things on good terms. She has been out of the picture since (just thought that might be relevant).

 

In the past few months, the ex (the first one), sent me a few facebook messages asking how I'm doing etc etc. One night (two months ago), at like 1 am, she sent a message about how she misses cuddling with me and i'm an excellent cuddler and how she didn't know what her feelings were. I didn't really respond to it to be honest. I didn't even know how to respond. We hadn't spoken in probably 4-5 months. I think I said something like "Sometimes, I do too." and that was that.

 

So about a month ago, I just started thinking about her. I got in touch with her and we got coffee one day and then hung out the rest of the day and had an awesome time. There was no hooking up, but we just had a great time I feel. We've hungout two more times since then, and have done some activities that we used to do when we first started dating. Still no kisses or anything. I haven't tried to "make a move" or anything. I guess I just haven't felt like the time was right, and I haven't been sure if that's what us hanging out is about...

 

At this point, I think some old feelings might be re-emerging, but at the same time, I'm not thinking about her all the time or anything. I do know that we enjoy each others' companies. I guess I was just still trying to figure out where this was going. I wondered if things would "work this time," and I'm very happy with where my life is and is going these days (I was really quite depressed when we broke up, even if I didn't even realize it back then), and she has stopped using drugs. I think we would get along quite nicely again. There's a bunch of reasons why I think it could work a lot better (these involve situational changes in our lives, and I think both of us have grown as people. I'd be much more willing to treat her better and whatnot..). I was fortunate to backpack throughout the northwest last Summer for a couple of months, and I think I did a lot of soul-searching and thinking about myself, my mannerisms, etc etc... I think I grew up a lot during that time.

 

Tonight she texted me something and I replied and then said how we should go rock climbing again on Saturday. She said, "Don't you think we're rushing it?" This threw me a bit off guard. I responded, "I'm not sure what 'it' is, but I've enjoyed hanging out with you." She replied, "I'm not ready to fall back into old habits." (I thought she meant how both of us were unhappy towards the end of us dating). I replied, "I don't want to either. No worries. We'll see what happens. Exnay on Saturday then." And she responded with a winky face and that she wants to hangout again soon though.

 

Does she just want to be friends and I read into her facebook message about cuddling/wanting to hang out too much? I suppose that's the impression I am getting. I was going to ask her on a legit date soon since all we've really been doing is day-dates/hanging out, but I'm thinking that would be a bad move now. I'm not very good with relationship stuff and I guess all this has just thrown me for a loop. I'm looking to get some other opinions. Thanks all. If you want any more info, just ask. Thanks again.

 

TL;DR: Dated girl for 2.5 years, broke up 1.5 years ago. Have been hanging out recently and good times have been had. Not sure if she wants more than friendship. Not even quite sure if I want more than that (read 2nd to last paragraph). Thanks.

 

edit: I've been thinking about this some more, and I'm starting to think maybe I am just overanalyzing the bajeezus outta this. Maybe she is in the same boat I am, where I don't even know if I WANT to start full-on dating her again. Maybe I should just play things by ear. Keep it casual, don't get my hopes up, but also don't get the pressure way up for us hanging out. I guess keeping cool is the name of the game for now. Thoughts? Thanks.

 

I know this is my first post and it's a doozie. I'll get on here tomorrow and offer my thoughts on other people's situations! But I absolutely have to get into bed now

Edited April 17, 2012 by CrunchyTempura

[callmegee]

Ups and downs happen in all relationships. Nothing that bazaar from your story. I'm convinced you have given this girl a lot of thought and you have done well in considering your shortcomings before.

 

How do you really feel about this girl? Do you love her?

 

You both don't want to "fall back into old ways" as you call it, and I think that says a lot. If you got back with her, would you consider deepening the relationship with a more solid commitment? aka would you like to make this girl your wife someday?

 

If you can answer those few questions, you will be able to figure out the next appropriate thing to do.... only you have the answers.

 

All the best. ;)

[CrunchyTempura]

Well, we didn't hangout for another 3 weeks or so. Went rock climbing again and then grabbed food afterwards, I asked her out to dinner after that (for a different night I mean) and she said she wasn't sure if it was a good idea. Sucked. Later that day, she sent me a text saying she was still attracted to me but that she felt she was only at a place that would bring me down. I told her I wanted to be with her again, things were different now and I had done a lot of soul-searching and things had changed and how I wanted to try "us" again. She didn't give much of a response except that she wanted to hangout again soon.

 

A few weeks went by, and we recently met up at the beach with friends and hungout for a little bit, then she had to leave. Then, the next day, we went to the beach again and hungout, and her friends left and we just hungout for a few hours by ourselves talking and having a good time. We end up going out to dinner with her friends and having a great time (in my mind at least). I walk her home and I offer her my arm and she takes it on the way home. At one point, we have to break contact and after 15 seconds, she grabs my arm again (so it wasn't just one-sided...), after a little bit I slowly grab her hand and we hold hands for awhile walking home. We get to her place, and it wasn't awkward or anything.......but she said she would invite me upstairs but she's really tired and has to wake up early. I say goodbye, we hug, and that's that. I thought about kissing her, but I dunno... I think it was kind of obvious that she didn't really want me to. Like in that "window" where I could have kissed her, she was already turning towards her door to go inside. As in, she didn't even give me the opportunity. That was last night. Maybe that in itself tells what she wants? If she doesn't even give me the opportunity to kiss her, then I'm guessing she is already planning ahead to actively NOT give me the opportunity, right? We had a great time and we really click (as we did back in the day). I guess I don't understand...

 

So today, I send her a text saying that I snagged a copy of Rear Window, a movie I told her about, and we should watch it together. She replies saying that she thinks we are moving too fast. I'm thinking , "jeez, if this is too fast then wth..." but I just say alright, then she says that she wants to hangout but wants it to be more casual and social. I reply with how I want to be with her again and I don't think I can be just a friend. I say how I tried to just be friends but I can't do it because old feelings began to surface and when I'm with her, I just want to hold her. I say that I like hanging out with her but it seems like I want something more than friendship and she does not. I say that I miss watching a movie with her ... I miss cuddling with her...

 

She hasn't responded and it's been like 12 hours. I guess I'm thinking "this" is pretty much over. I suppose if she hasn't even responded then oh well. I tried and I failed, but at least I tried. Time to move on I guess. Maybe she'll reply tomorrow, but I'm not going to talk to her until she replies to that. Maybe I laid it on too thick with the "i miss such and such" stuff, but man. it's been like months of us hanging out and casually flirting, and I don't want to be "just friends" so I figured it was time to tell her what I thought about us. Was this a stupid idea? Or did I go about it in a dumb way? I think I told her in a mature way what I wanted from our 'relationship'....

 

Just thought I'd give an update. Thanks.

[smith9800]

Every relationship has good and bad day..If you really love her then forget about the past and live your love happily......