Why Can't One Have Opposite Gender Friends?

[RiverRunning]

Mature adults won't be friends with people of the opposite gender they are attracted to while in a RS. You're just asking for drama and trouble.

 

That's like asking the cat to guard the milk - some can, most can't.

 

This.

 

The fact is, most of us who have opposite-gendered friends are probably, to some degree, attracted to that person. Sure, it may never develop into cheating. It may never develop into any kind of romantic relationship. But sometimes the writing is on the wall when you are attracted to a person, you spend enough time with them, get comfortable - the attraction would probably be obvious to the partners of the friends, and that's painful.

 

My rule is that if there's any kind of dating or sexual history between the 'friends,' it's a no-go. Been there, done that and my intuition was spot-on. It's funny sometimes how much people try to deny that they still have feelings for a 'friend' ex-girlfriend. Again, writing on the wall. That's an absolute dealbreaker. I don't stay in touch with my exes - not out of spite, but because I choose to move on. I expect a boyfriend to do the same.

 

If there's been a history of flirting and skirting around the issue of attraction, that's also a no for me. The last thing I need is for a guy's lady friend to suddenly get jealous when he starts dating or trying to interfere in our relationship. Or, simply, I can sit by and dread the moment when she finds herself single and available, and he runs off like her Knight in Shining Armor. It happens here so often.

 

One of my best friends is male - and gay. We've known each other since we were little kids. If he were straight, our friendship likely would not be so successful.

 

I had a mentor at an internship while I was in a relationship. He was SIGNIFICANTLY older than I was. In the interest of keeping a reference open, VERY rarely (1 - 3 times a year), we would go out to lunch together and hang out for a little while. He knew that I was in a relationship. Totally didn't stop him. It eventually got to the point that I had to break off contact.

 

I should mention that I have another male friend - but at 47, he's almost twice my age. That's always been more of a friend or even a father-daughter type of friendship. He's engaged to be married and I am on good terms with his fiancee. No one has ever in the least suspected that my friendship with him is anything but platonic.

 

If a boyfriend had a similar situation with a drastically older woman, I would not find it strange. But a woman his own age? I'd be very cautious.

 

Edit: I should add. I befriended my 40s-friend when I was in a relationship. Both my ex and I were friends with him, so it's not like the friendship was forged when I was single and looking.

Edited April 17, 2012 by RiverRunning

[gotye]

How about you understand that this community has ppl from over 150 countries and not everybody's first language is English.

 

Not to mention that not all of us kept our noses in literature during college and understand 'big words'.

 

sorry, if it is not his first language. But keep in mind that he was very aggressive in his blame of me.

[gotye]

I don't deny that men and women can be entirely platonic with each other, but I will say this:

 

Most attractive women would be VERY surprised if they knew what the vast majority of their 'platonic male friends' actually thought of them.

 

I know you think your male friends are 'different'. But they're not.

 

no, I get this... I mostly like having male friends with gfs. I am in that situation now with a male friend where I think he is interested and I am not and I don't want to cut off ties but I don't

a. want to take advantage when he might have expectations

b. continue a friendship that MAY be just do to his attraction

 

but hopefully he is one of those guys who realizes the friendship is worth it

[gotye]

He must have a gf. What a stupid ass.

 

i didn't say must.

[zengirl]

The important thing for men to know is that pretending to be "friends" with a woman is not going to make her want to **** you. The important thing for women to know is that a lot of your male "friends" are just pretending.

 

I would say "a lot" of mine are pretending, but I think a lot of men will pretend to be friends, and this lesson overall is good. I think it's easy to weed out orbiters if you so desire and even easier to choose not to be an orbiter if you don't want to be. But you're right, this seems to be a common issue.

 

However, the people who stretch that issue to be suspicious of every male/female friendship are being ridiculous, IMO. They are needlessly combative against any male/female friendships (you are saying "no one" says they cannot exist, but that's not true -- some people DO say that; I've seen it). They are needlessly suspicious about them. They appear unable to see the opposite sex as people, even. That bums me out. I do agree that's a minority opinion, however.

 

I disagree with your characterization to why women seek friends, but I think perhaps you just misworded it? You don't think the only reason any woman has a male friend is a substitute for a R, do you? Some women certainly do that, but that's not indicative of all friendships --- just the ones with the unhealthy dynamic you described above.

[gotye]

you implied it

 

you need to stop being an aggressive man, bro

[nofool4u]

I feel like mature adults can be friends with someone of the gender they are attracted to

 

You mean friends of someone of the opposite sex? Or friends with someone to whom they are specifically attracted to?

 

I have female friends, but I don't hang out with them alone. It will either be as a group, or my significant other would be around.

 

And you just answered why people see this as inappropriate, "friends with someone of the gender they are attracted to". This means that more can, and usually will, develop.

 

Tell me, would you REALLY mind if your girlfriend went over to another guy's place quite often and, for example, watched a movie and stayed there till the wee hours of the morning?

 

What if she wanted to crash at the guy's place? Based on your feelings on the subject, you should have no problem with it.

[nofool4u]

So then I take it you don't mind if a woman of yours spends the night at another guy's house, just like when other guys crash at their bros place?

 

Or is there some sarcasm I'm not picking up here?

[gibson]

You are a fool, *******.

 

You have your way and he has his... Neither one is right or wrong.

 

In my 40 years on this earth, I have seen way to much drama (cheating, confusion, arguments, jealously, double standards, etc.) with friends, family and co-workers. So I just stick to my "kind" (women that do not require / have close male friends). Lucky for me, there are a lot of my "kind" of women out there.

 

To me this is like the whole Facebook discussion...

 

Does everyone who has FB have problems, fights, jealously, drama, emotional affairs, cheating, etc.? No.

 

However, I could tell you probably 50 horror stories with single and married people just between my friends, co-workers, family members, etc. (and I am not talking about teenagers here... 25+ - 60+). So for me, I just avoid the whole potentially bad situation by not using it.

 

To date, I have never had a GF of mine tell me to get female friends or to get on Facebook. I suspect they never will. I wonder why that is? Hmmmmm....

Edited April 17, 2012 by gibson

[Oxy Moronovich]

These "why can't men and women be close, platonic friends" threads always have the same ingredients:

 

1. The same females insist that they are the exception to then rule (ie, Jane and RedRobin) that men and women can't be friends.

2. Said females pretending to wonder why since they are the exception, the majority of people can't do the same.

3. Most LS regular posters are absent (they know that men and women can't be just friends and don't feel like arguing about it).

4. These threads only have a small number of people commenting. This thread got to page 5 due to the same few posters bickering back and forth and a troll (BostonMan) trying to start fights.

5. The thread dies only for another thread to be created within a month.

[veggirl]

I don't deny that men and women can be entirely platonic with each other, but I will say this:

 

Most attractive women would be VERY surprised if they knew what the vast majority of their 'platonic male friends' actually thought of them.

 

 

I agree with this and it has been my experience in having male "friends" and why I no longer am interested in having guys as friends. As I said in the thread that was created like, a week ago, I have plenty of males in my life--dad, brother, brothers in law, boyfriend, coworkers--I don't feel the need to have guy friends because of how that has ALWAYS turned out for me (them hitting on me, wanting sex, etc. Or-less often, but has happened- me developing feelings).

 

Others... well, I know you have a hard time grasping this... but they don't let themselves get pulled around by their 'little' head and can appreciate other qualities about me that aren't about sex.

 

It's not necessarily all about sex though. If you enjoy someone's company, have fun with them, find them attractive...it isn't ALL about sex if you start having more romantic feelings for them. That's what I want to avoid. It's a natural thing that can happen VERY easily. I would NOT be cool with my BF confiding in and having a female BFF who he is going to with relationship problems etc...it's just too risky. It's not a "sure thing" that something will develop, but it's a large possibility and one I choose to avoid by not having my own male close friends and not dating guys who are BFFs with females.

 

In every case, they don't view women as something to conquer or as the enemy.

 

Where is this coming from? I don't view men as something to conquer or an enemy, and I'm still not close friends with any.

 

 

You have your way and he has his... Neither one is right or wrong.

 

Exactly, people can and should do what works for them.

 

In my 40 years on this earth, I have seen way to much drama (cheating, confusion, arguments, jealously, double standards, etc.) with friends, family and co-workers. So I just stick to my "kind" (women that do not require / have close male friends). Lucky for me, there are a lot of my "kind" of women out there.

 

Totally this! Agree 100% Avoiding a potentially bad situation, yes!

 

To date, I have never had a GF of mine tell me to get female friends or to get on Facebook. I suspect they never will. I wonder why that is? Hmmmmm....

 

:DThis too. I've never had a guy be upset or tell me he won't date me because I don't have male friends, so obviously I hate the entire gender or am mentally fked up as many of these posters would have us believe.

 

And, again, I think acquaintences are fine, group hang outs are fine, the one on one stuff would bother me, the confiding would bother me.

[Professor X]

Prof, are you speaking from the standpoint of a man who does not have a gf?

Where have I said I don't?

 

Or do you feel the same is true when the guy has his own gf?

Again, I miss-read the OP, so I'll clarify, or rather, I'll quote Veggirl, as she hit the nail on the head when she said:

And, again, I think acquaintences are fine, group hang outs are fine, the one on one stuff would bother me, the confiding would bother me.

[RedRobin]

I work around all men. Anyone I date/marry will have to get used to the idea that I'm around all men. That I travel with men. I have business lunches/dinners with men. I swim in a pool of men, basically.

 

Somehow I've managed to do that with a healthy libido AND respectability in tact. I've never cheated nor have I helped anyone cheat either. I've never encouraged or became an accomplice to any of my female friends cheating on their BF's/husbands either.

 

The main reason I have a hard time dating men who don't have legitimate female friends is because I'm tired of dating men who think I'm f-ing or want to f every guy around me... or that all men around me must be thinking/doing the same thing. If that were true, I wouldn't keep my job. In fact, if I didn't find ways to navigate all kinds of sticky situations with men (and women too, I might add), I doubt I'd be as successful as I am in my work.

 

So, mostly I just don't want hassle from insecure men telling me I have to dump my friends and business acquaintances out of insecurity. I'm one of those people who believe that if others want to cheat, they will find a way. I don't spend alot of time worrying about it... even though I have been cheated on before. TBH, that was his poor choice. It has nothing to do with me.

 

If others here don't have the need to develop opposite sex friendships, then fine. My choices are no reflection on yours. I'd just like people to realize that some of us can do it. You don't have to.

[veggirl]

I work around all men. Anyone I date/marry will have to get used to the idea that I'm around all men. That I travel with men. I have business lunches/dinners with men. I swim in a pool of men, basically.

 

Well, that's work. That's not the same as being BFF and confiding in a male friend.

 

 

So, mostly I just don't want hassle from insecure men telling me I have to dump my friends and business acquaintances out of insecurity.

 

If others here don't have the need to develop opposite sex friendships, then fine. My choices are no reflection on yours. I'd just like people to realize that some of us can do it. You don't have to.

 

Cool, well as has been stated MULTIPLE times, there is a huge difference in a work colleague, or a friendly acquaintence, and a bestie of the opposite sex.

 

So anyway, if you're cool with other people doing what works for them then...why the name calling and all that...just let it be, you don't need to convince anyone. No one said you can't do it. I specifically said "do you" in my posts.

[zengirl]

Personally, I think intimately confiding in anyone about your relationship, saying things to a friend you wouldn't say to an SO, or talking about your relationship problems to your friends without your SO being aware of it is immature and bad behavior. I know many disagree and/or only find it bad behavior if speaking to someone of the opposite sex.

 

If your friendships are so intimate that they infringe upon your relationship, that's a problem. The idea that this problem is exclusive to the opposite sex baffles me. If hubby goes and complains to his male friends about me and doesn't talk our problems out with me instead, I am equally as offended as if he does so with a female friend.

 

I love my friends, but I never wanted to prioritize them over a relationship or be more intimate with them (I mean emotionally, obviously) than I am with a SO. Other than that, who cares? I guess there are a few little hiccups that make sense -- the crashing at a friend's house thing, maybe -- but for the most part, I see no difference that could hinder a relationship. Someone prioritizing their same sex friend(s) above the relationship could equally hurt a relationship just as much is my point, I guess.

[RedRobin]

a lot of girls that work around all men aren't that feminine in looks or personality. are you?

 

Hmmm... how to answer this... My looks have nothing to do with my ability to have male friends.

 

The fact that I work around all men probably has everything to do with the fact that I can maintain male friendships... because I see them in a variety of settings. I overhear their fights with their wives. I witness first-hand, their immense pain over a breakup or divorce. I've seen them cry when they won an award and thanking their wives for her support. I've watched them recover from life-threatening illnesses. I've worked side-by-side with them on a tough project.

 

I've also heard the locker room talk. I've heard them 'brag' about doing this or that chick (LONG before the internet made places like this forum possible).

 

These are things that give me first hand insight into men's lives. So maybe, just maybe, I'm just not terribly prone to 'infatuation'.

 

Try again.

 

This thread is about the ability to have opposite sex friends... do you have any?

[veggirl]

Personally, I think intimately confiding in anyone about your relationship, saying things to a friend you wouldn't say to an SO, or talking about your relationship problems to your friends without your SO being aware of it is immature and bad behavior. I know many disagree and/or only find it bad behavior if speaking to someone of the opposite sex.

 

If your friendships are so intimate that they infringe upon your relationship, that's a problem. The idea that this problem is exclusive to the opposite sex baffles me. If hubby goes and complains to his male friends about me and doesn't talk our problems out with me instead, I am equally as offended as if he does so with a female friend.

 

I love my friends, but I never wanted to prioritize them over a relationship or be more intimate with them (I mean emotionally, obviously) than I am with a SO. Other than that, who cares? I guess there are a few little hiccups that make sense -- the crashing at a friend's house thing, maybe -- but for the most part, I see no difference that could hinder a relationship. Someone prioritizing their same sex friend(s) above the relationship could equally hurt a relationship just as much is my point, I guess.

 

I agree with you that it's inappropriate for ANY friendship to be more emotionally intimate than it is your SO, but...people aren't robots, when people hit a snag with in their romantic relationship they often really need to talk about it with someone, a friend. My problem would be if that person was someone of the opposite sex. For me, that is too intimate. My opinion on this has been summed up in other threads, by posters who are FAR better with words than I am, but the gist is that being that way with someone of the opposite sex can lead to "you get me, my girl doesn't" and all that...it's just a slippery slope and seems unnecessarily risky.

 

This is why I clarify between acquaintences and close BFF type friends--I don't think ANYONE in this or the other threads has said they have a problem with group outtings that are mixed and other more acquaintence type situations....a full blown lets get a drink and discuss our lives / relationships / problems...no, that wouldn't work for me.

[zengirl]

I agree with you that it's inappropriate for ANY friendship to be more emotionally intimate than it is your SO, but...people aren't robots, when people hit a snag with in their romantic relationship they often really need to talk about it with someone, a friend. My problem would be if that person was someone of the opposite sex. For me, that is too intimate. My opinion on this has been summed up in other threads, by posters who are FAR better with words than I am, but the gist is that being that way with someone of the opposite sex can lead to "you get me, my girl doesn't" and all that...it's just a slippery slope and seems unnecessarily risky.

 

This is why I clarify between acquaintences and close BFF type friends--I don't think ANYONE in this or the other threads has said they have a problem with group outtings that are mixed and other more acquaintence type situations....a full blown lets get a drink and discuss our lives / relationships / problems...no, that wouldn't work for me.

 

I have close friends of the opposite sex. My BFF (if I have one) is my hubby. I have never found it healthy to have a BFF, honestly. Since there is an implication of "one only" in it, it seems to be too much of a mirror of a monogamous relationship to me. I mean, the way little girls have "best friends" is something I think people should just . . . grow out of. The idea of prioritizing my close friends in some kind of sequential order seems odd to me, male or female.

 

The difference between a friendly acquaintance and close friend still stands for me (I either know my close friends longer or have just chosen to know them better), but all those relationships have boundaries. Just different ones. I discuss my life with ALL my friends. In fact, I discuss my life with my acquaintances. Hell, I'm discussing my life with you, right now.

 

And there are times when people -- male and female, close and near-strangers -- "get me" and that hubby does not. I do not find this odd. It just means my perspective overlaps with theirs on a particular area where hubby's does not. No worries. What I find unhealthy is when people make more of that phenomenon than it is. I love communicating with people. In general.

 

However, if someone begins to use a friend as an emotional crutch in a similar manner that they'd use a SO, I find that distressing. Absolutely. That said, we can obviously lean on our friends. We can also lean on our colleagues, acquaintances, and even strangers sometimes, I've found. Human kindness abounds. Strangers have helped me more in my life than I can say -- often strangers whom I could barely communicate with (when I was traveling).

 

As far as discussing relationship problems, I consider that properly contained (to a degree) within the relationship, though asking broader questions is great on a forum like this or with more objective and reasonable friends (of any gender). Painting a SO as the bad guy, spilling relationship secrets, etc, are NEVER okay. Not with anyone, IMO.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I work around all men. Anyone I date/marry will have to get used to the idea that I'm around all men. That I travel with men. I have business lunches/dinners with men. I swim in a pool of men, basically.

 

Somehow I've managed to do that with a healthy libido AND respectability in tact. I've never cheated nor have I helped anyone cheat either. I've never encouraged or became an accomplice to any of my female friends cheating on their BF's/husbands either.

 

The main reason I have a hard time dating men who don't have legitimate female friends is because I'm tired of dating men who think I'm f-ing or want to f every guy around me... or that all men around me must be thinking/doing the same thing. If that were true, I wouldn't keep my job. In fact, if I didn't find ways to navigate all kinds of sticky situations with men (and women too, I might add), I doubt I'd be as successful as I am in my work.

 

So, mostly I just don't want hassle from insecure men telling me I have to dump my friends and business acquaintances out of insecurity. I'm one of those people who believe that if others want to cheat, they will find a way. I don't spend alot of time worrying about it... even though I have been cheated on before. TBH, that was his poor choice. It has nothing to do with me.

 

If others here don't have the need to develop opposite sex friendships, then fine. My choices are no reflection on yours. I'd just like people to realize that some of us can do it. You don't have to.

 

The fact that you work with men is completely a different scenario than having a close..what you would define as a genuine, off-limits "friendship", someone that you confide in as a GF and share intimate details of your life and emotions with. What your referring to is a work relationship and people can maintain professional relationships or more like forced to, they put (hopefully) emotions and curiosities aside working in a completely professional manner.

 

Personally I do not date anyone in the work place, It's not the kind of drama and gossip I'm personally interested in, I like to keep my personal life personal, and my work in the work place, so I'd ignore you basically on anything flirtatious or that shows interest just for that fact.

 

Also, I don't think women befriend men because they want to screw them...however women always think that If they're not interested than the man couldn't possibly be..oh no! not bobby, he's my buddy ole pal!. In my experience It's much more common to see a man pursue a woman under the guise of a friendship to get closer to her. Some men aren't capable or good with women, so they revert to other methods of getting closer to women they are interested in, in hopes of something progressing into more which actually sometimes works...there are vulnerable women out there who get burned by a man and they fall into the comforts of a man waiting to catch that like a white knight after every harrowing heartbreak and then he finally gets his shot...It doesn't happen all the time but it does, and that's why I've seen a lot of guys do it.

 

As mentioned in this post by Phineas, Johan and I...we've all had pretty much the same exact experience with women who wanted to "befriend" us and one-on-one "friendships", and I'm willing to bet we're not exactly the most incapable or "insecure" men on this forum, we probably don't need to go that route which If anything speaks more about our security rather than lack of, because we're actually not those type of guys that have to weasel our way closer to the likes of a woman or would even tolerate that kind of game, yet lo and behold, look at our experience with women and how it has miraculously unfolded in the same manner...Or do you think we're all "insecure" and "jealous" men? Because I don't get that vibe from any of us.

 

You want to turn a blind-eye and cheek so that you don't have to admit that some of these men are more than interested in you, that's fine... but don't be surprised If one day you're sharing something intimate and personal one on one with a man you see as just a friend and then "magically" this man opens up and confesses he has more feelings for you and you've got to shoot him down and put him back in his place.

 

Acquaintances...fine

Work relationships...fine

Social circle acquaintances...fine

Men as genuine one-on-one friends where you share intimate details of your life/emotions...good luck

[RedRobin]

The fact that you work with men is completely a different scenario than having a close..what you would define as a genuine, off-limits "friendship", someone that you confide in as a GF and share intimate details of your life and emotions with. What your referring to is a work relationship and people can maintain professional relationships or more like forced to, they put (hopefully) emotions and curiosities aside working in a completely professional manner.

 

Personally I do not date anyone in the work place, It's not the kind of drama and gossip I'm personally interested in, I like to keep my personal life personal, and my work in the work place, so I'd ignore you basically on anything flirtatious or that shows interest just for that fact.

 

Also, I don't think women befriend men because they want to screw them...however women always think that If they're not interested than the man couldn't possibly be..oh no! not bobby, he's my buddy ole pal!. In my experience It's much more common to see a man pursue a woman under the guise of a friendship to get closer to her. Some men aren't capable or good with women, so they revert to other methods of getting closer to women they are interested in, in hopes of something progressing into more which actually sometimes works...there are vulnerable women out there who get burned by a man and they fall into the comforts of a man waiting to catch that like a white knight after every harrowing heartbreak and then he finally gets his shot...It doesn't happen all the time but it does, and that's why I've seen a lot of guys do it.

 

As mentioned in this post by Phineas, Johan and I...we've all had pretty much the same exact experience with women who wanted to "befriend" us and one-on-one "friendships", and I'm willing to bet we're not exactly the most incapable or "insecure" men on this forum, we probably don't need to go that route which If anything speaks more about our security rather than lack of, because we're actually not those type of guys that have to weasel our way closer to the likes of a woman or would even tolerate that kind of game, yet lo and behold, look at our experience with women and how it has miraculously unfolded in the same manner...Or do you think we're all "insecure" and "jealous" men? Because I don't get that vibe from any of us.

 

You want to turn a blind-eye and cheek so that you don't have to admit that some of these men are more than interested in you, that's fine... but don't be surprised If one day you're sharing something intimate and personal one on one with a man you see as just a friend and then "magically" this man opens up and confesses he has more feelings for you and you've got to shoot him down and put him back in his place.

 

Acquaintances...fine

Work relationships...fine

Social circle acquaintances...fine

Men as genuine one-on-one friends where you share intimate details of your life/emotions...good luck

 

 

Lots of things to address...

 

No, I'm not naive about some of my male friend's intentions. I'm just not afraid of having that discussion, nor am I afraid of expecting him to take responsibility for his own feelings and needs. I hope you've seen my other posts where I recommend that men do NOT accept the 'friendzone' if they are hoping for something more.

 

I don't want to leave the impression of having alot of one-on-one male friends... because I don't. The ones I do or have... if things get too sticky, I step back. Under no circumstances do I intrude on their primary relationship either. I have a very good sense of emotional boundaries too.

 

TBH, for my deepest discussions, I turn to my family. Even my closest friends I don't always share intimate details of my life. Kind of one of the hazards of the work I do or have done. I can't really open up like that, not even with my female friends.

 

Regarding my past experience, yes, my ex-H was very jealous. I did everything I knew how to do to reassure him. To the point of hurting my job. I wasn't allowed to have dinner with my co-workers when I traveled. If I had to work late, he was always asking me who was working with me (he assumed my male co-workers all had the hots for me). I had no male friends at all. It was hard to even have female friends. He'd get jealous of time spent with them too....

 

It got really old. Turned out, he was the cheater and liar. Guilty conscience I guess.

 

So, maybe that is where I associate it with insecurity.

 

Since then, I've dated other men (briefly) who were also very anti-male friend... and these guys turned out to be the biggest hypocrites ever. Multi-dating. Multi-fing. So, there again. I associate it with a guilty conscience and THEM having low personal boundaries.

 

The healthiest relationship I've had since my divorce was with a guy who was never jealous like that. We introduced each other to our friends. If he thought one of my male acquaintances crossed a line, he'd remark on it. He was always dead on, and I addressed it.

 

Funny, we are not dating anymore, but we are still very good friends now. He is talking marriage with the woman he is currently dating. She has male friends too. One he knows wants to get with her. For some reason, this doesn't seem to bother him. He's never betrayed me or her. I never betrayed him. She seems like a very nice woman too. I dunno. This latter example just looks and feels a whole lot more healthy than my former marriage did. By a long shot.

[johan]

 

Acquaintances...fine

Work relationships...fine

Social circle acquaintances...fine

Men as genuine one-on-one friends where you share intimate details of your life/emotions...good luck

 

This is what it boils down to for me.

 

If someone I was dating was devoting a one-on-one time to another guy, it would definitely get my attention. None of the other stuff would bother me much.

[gotye]

So then I take it you don't mind if a woman of yours spends the night at another guy's house, just like when other guys crash at their bros place?

 

Or is there some sarcasm I'm not picking up here?

 

a. depends on friendship

but, generally no

you don't have to crash at your friend's place, there are lines

[Jane2011]

Acquaintances...fine

Work relationships...fine

Social circle acquaintances...fine

Men as genuine one-on-one friends where you share intimate details of your life/emotions...good luck

 

I guess I can understand why people would believe that break down. I don't know what goes on with other people, myself. All I know is that I have about three of these: "Men as genuine one-on-one friends where you share intimate details of your life/emotions..." (and have had them for about three years now) and nothing has happened. No hurt feelings, no weirdness, no 'can we turn this into something more?' I've known them for that long, and sometimes they've had girlfriends and sometimes they've been single (and same for me), but neither status has changed our dynamic.

 

And it's not that I'm unattractive. I have what I consider a pretty face, and I'm also thin.

 

The thing is, I think people just hold as 'truth' whatever it is they experience in life. If I actually experienced a bunch of drama and ulterior motives when I had close male friends, I'd probably be with those of you who say it never works. I just experience the opposite, so I'm of that way of thinking.

 

That being said, it's not as if I've never experienced the "guy 'friend' who really just wants to date." Long ago, I had this guy classmate start emailing me and just talking to me about one of our classes, some common interests, etc. We emailed back and forth for about two weeks. I never mentioned I had a boyfriend in that time because I didn't want to be one of "those" girls who's all "my bf" this and "my bf" that, and I actually couldn't tell whether the guy was just wanting to shoot the breeze or if he was trying to get to know me / prime me for a date-request. So when I finally did mention (after two weeks) that I had a boyfriend, he wrote back one email that was colder than the previous ones, and then I never heard from him again.

 

I've definitely experienced "that guy" before.

 

But I have several guy friends who just like talking and relating; they've got their own things going on and don't necessarily want me. If they did, they'd pounce when I'm single. They'd be pouncing right now, because I am single right now. Yet are they? No.

 

If nothing else, there are guys in this thread themselves who have said they have women friends who they find attractive but who they don't necessarily want to be with, nor do they think about sex with them enough for it to matter. If some guys themselves are saying as much, I don't know why it's so unbelievable that there are groups of men out there that don't have difficulty being just friends with an attractive woman.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Jane2011

[Leigh 87]

I have made a couple of male friends so far, since moving towns.

 

- two of them had girlfriends at the time. One was attracted to me and hs an open relationship, but he knows I am NOT interested in him and never will be, therefore he honestly just enjoys my company. Like some men ( not a lot or many) he finds me attractive, and enjoys looking at me... but come on, there is more to our interaction than him looking at me. And I am not THAt pretty.

 

- the other dude just is not my type, had a gf, and there was not the slightest bit of chemistry there! We are purely friends. I am not attracted to him. He told me I am pretty, and I HAD a great body when I hung out with him last, so he was probably aware I had a good figure and thought of me as pretty ( to him, again, I am not universally or clasically good looking).

 

In either case, no guy has the intention of having sex with me or being my boyfriend, especially the second guy.

[Necris]

no offense to anyone but personally I find women don't make the best of friends, I feel like I don't get much at all out of the friendship, all of the best friends I ever had were all other guys.