Why Can't One Have Opposite Gender Friends?

[RedRobin]

You might be surprised at the men I call my friends. It is really nice to be around men who are thoroughly confident in their manhood.

 

It is only the men who are afraid of 'sitting when they pee' that have a problem being real friends with women.

[phineas]

.It's because he was initially interested in you and was hoping that you'd grow closer together as you got to know him...simple as that.

 

Some guys are also capable of reverting to this role, they realize they don't have a shot...sometimes you're just an attractive woman and they'd rather have you in their life than not have you (I've bee told this by several men who know better than to change the dynamic with women who see them and trust them exclusively as friends)...it makes them feel good, they still get to talk to you and be closer to you (they hope).

 

An assertive, confident guy in my book isn't going to hang out and be your buddy...he might socialize and be cordial and respectful in social situations but that's not like really being your "friend" that's more of an acquaintance.

 

Spend one on one time with this person and an emotional bond will be created, the deeper and more significant the topics in relation to emotions and someone is going to start developing emotions for the others...this doesn't happen between those guy friends.

 

If you can keep your man-friend on a leash and he knows his place and that makes you happy because you've got someone to talk to and listen to your drama...that's all good and well, knock yourself out. But you'd be hard-pressed to convince another man that this man isn't interested or attracted and wouldn't take the opportunity to be with you If he could...regardless of whether he has a GF, or talking about their own relationships, or what not...as women I'd think you'd understand how you could still develop emotions for another guy while he's in a relationship or what not, so why can't he?...this doesn't "stop" the person who is interested from developing an emotional bond...It gets created under the radar..after all like with women, they'll befriend you while you're in a relationship then you break up with your GF and guess who's first in seeing that you're available to date?

 

I can understand how people with very close/good friends of the opposite sex would have a difficult time accepting this, especially If they've developed and conditioned the relationships with the opposite sex and especially If they don't want to accept or feel they have to sacrifice those relationships, or view them in a light they'd rather not.

 

All I know Is If there's a woman I'm attracted/interested in, I've got to keep my distance and If there's a woman attracted to me that I don't want to get in trouble with and keep as "friends" I've got to keep her at arms length...there's no way I'll roll the dice and take that chance with one on one settings, especially in a relationship, I know from experience what's going to happen and has happened.

 

Like Johan said...It always ends the same way when you take it past a certain level.

 

To comment on the rest of this excellent post.

 

The only women i've know who seek my friendship have a long past of dysfunctional relationships with men that treat them poorly.

 

But, those guys are like totally "hot" so these women spend a lot of time "single" which means they usually have an ex their having sex with secretly.

 

These women are train wrecks & no matter how many times I tell them i'm only interested in a sexual relationship with them they keep coming back wanting to be just friends.

[phineas]

You might be surprised at the men I call my friends. It is really nice to be around men who are thoroughly confident in their manhood.

 

It is only the men who are afraid of 'sitting when they pee' that have a problem being real friends with women.

 

So you are saying you aren't attractive enough for them to want to see you naked?

 

Ok, then I can see them being just friends with you.

[irc333]

Funny, I had been a threat to other peoples newly formed relationships. Some guys didn't even like me being friends with them.

 

A female friend actually removed me from her friends list, when I asked her why...she said the guy she was currently dating didn't like me being her friend.

 

I thought it was a bit immature to heed his request.

 

 

I've had lots of male friendsover the years.

 

I can understand why some people can't handle the idea but overall I have never experienced it as a threat to any of my relationships.

 

I like my guy friends. A lot of them were just like brothers.

I had a male roommate for six years. There was no "tension" or "flirtation" between us. Sometimes his dates seemed mildly weirder at first but quickly figured out that we were friends and roommates. We hung out fairly frequently. That was it.

 

I even converted to Mormonism while we lived together and some church members suggested I move into a female-only roommateship. I turned it down. I much preferred where I was and the routines I had. It just wasn't any kind of big deal to me at all. Someone else gave me the "appearance of evil" lecture. Jeez, it could appear to be "evil" if me and him screwed on the front porch or something, not because he had his bedroom/bathroom on the other side of a basement suite.

 

I have found overall that living with guys is easier and less bitchy. I'd most likely have a male roommate again if I was single.

 

None of my dates seemed threatened by him.

[irc333]

Yes, this.

 

Right, usually there's something getting int he way.

 

For one,I know this female friend, very attractive, but we have completely different belief systems that I know wouldn't make us compatible.

[Buck Turgidson]

Mature adults won't be friends with people of the opposite gender they are attracted to while in a RS. You're just asking for drama and trouble.

 

So bisexuals are just SOL then, I suppose. No friends for them. Or maybe, no relationships. One or the other, is that it?

 

Any potential partner who asked for or expected me to ditch my friends, of either sex, is asking me to commit a despicable act of disloyalty. That is an offense punishable by immediate dumping. I am not interested in anyone whose ethic of relationships includes the mandatory betrayal of anyone important to me. Such a person cares nothing about me, nor could they possibly. They demonstrate such a cavalier attitude towards treachery that they are disqualified from a relationship that requires an understanding of loyalty and faithfulness.

[gotye]

I don't see why all you chicks twisting the OPs own words, you all talking about platonic mambo jambo and just male friends, jeez, can't you read? I thought English is your native language.

She clearly said ATTRACTED to.

Male friends are fine, male friends you are attracted to isn't fine (while in a RS).

 

i meant the gender you are friends with is what you are attracted to, not the man in gender

 

wanted to keep it open for people of same sex interest

[Professor X]

i meant the gender you are friends with is what you are attracted to, not the man in gender

 

wanted to keep it open for people of same sex interest

Than you need to make yourself clear. You could of easily said opposite gender or same gender if you're gay rather than using the word attracted.

 

I am attracted to females, I have female friends, but hell, I ain't attracted to them. I hope you see the difference, it's getting tired explaining Americans English.

[Radu]

First I thought this attitude arose from 21st century dating videos/PUA/online forums hearsay.

 

However I was talking with my father (born 1948) about this topic a while ago and he was quite surprised that I was mentioning "female friends". He didnt understand this "concept" and said that he never had any female friends or met with females on other occasions than "dating". He has acquaintances of course due to university, work etc, but no "friends". He even questioned that the girls I was mentioning were really my "friends" even though he doesnt know them and that it would be a "waste of time" to just hang around with girls.

 

I completely disagree. There are 5 people in my life that I consider true friends, the kind you'd do almost anything for and 2 of them are female. They are both hot (^^) but I would NEVER hook up with them even when they were available.

 

However, if there is sexual tension like Professor X said it's not possible. And as many men have sexual tension towards nearly every woman they ever encounter in their daily life...it's probably not possible on a large scale

 

 

Most good PUA's recommend that you get some opposite sex good friends that you keep completely platonic, the reason is pretty obvious.

[gotye]

Than you need to make yourself clear. You could of easily said opposite gender or same gender if you're gay rather than using the word attracted.

 

I am attracted to females, I have female friends, but hell, I ain't attracted to them. I hope you see the difference, it's getting tired explaining Americans English.

 

it is specific. i said attracted to the gender not that specific person of the gender. I am not gay, but I did want to be inclusive. Your fault for reading into being attracted to a gender as being attracted to friends of that gender

[Professor X]

it is specific. i said attracted to the gender not that specific person of the gender. I am not gay, but I did want to be inclusive. Your fault for reading into being attracted to a gender as being attracted to friends of that gender

 

For the record, as the deliverer, it is your responsibility that the audience gets the message in the correct way, not the audience responsibility to get it the way you want it - just throwing some basic communication stuff at ya.

[gotye]

For the record, as the deliverer, it is your responsibility that the audience gets the message in the correct way, not the audience responsibility to get it the way you want it - just throwing some basic communication stuff at ya.

 

one can't account for people's ability to interpret wording is different ways than intended especially seeing as how the wording still says

 

"gender they are attracted to"

and not "person"

[Radu]

How about you understand that this community has ppl from over 150 countries and not everybody's first language is English.

 

Not to mention that not all of us kept our noses in literature during college and understand 'big words'.

[Andy_K]

I don't deny that men and women can be entirely platonic with each other, but I will say this:

 

Most attractive women would be VERY surprised if they knew what the vast majority of their 'platonic male friends' actually thought of them.

 

I know you think your male friends are 'different'. But they're not.

[RedRobin]

So you are saying you aren't attractive enough for them to want to see you naked?

 

Ok, then I can see them being just friends with you.

 

Some of them, sure. I don't get wrapped around the axle about it.

 

Others... well, I know you have a hard time grasping this... but they don't let themselves get pulled around by their 'little' head and can appreciate other qualities about me that aren't about sex.

 

They are usually the ones who are looking for genuine compatibility... and can see there are things about 'us' that would not bode well long term (but we are both good people), or are in healthy relationships themselves.

 

In every case, they don't view women as something to conquer or as the enemy.

 

Whether they were originally attracted to me (but aren't anymore for whatever reason) is besides the point.

[RedRobin]

I don't deny that men and women can be entirely platonic with each other, but I will say this:

 

Most attractive women would be VERY surprised if they knew what the vast majority of their 'platonic male friends' actually thought of them.

 

I know you think your male friends are 'different'. But they're not.

 

There is a big difference between someone who will 'tap that' if given the chance... and someone who finds someone physically attractive, but can reasonably assess that they are not well suited for a romantic relationship and chooses not to throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

The former is for boys. The latter takes a mature individual.

 

That said, if the friendship is not sincere and mutual, then it isn't healthy. That goes for same sex or opposite sex friendships.

 

Most of the toxic behaviors people complain about in opposite sex friendships can occur in same-sex friendships... or even worse.

[oldguy]

I have a few close female friends. One was a girl I dated, 200 years ago, in HS:laugh: And a couple of them are hot, but I think at some point you realize that you have to wake up the next morning & resume your life.

As crude as this can be taken; Some can think far enough ahead to realize the mess isn't worth the clean up afterwards.

 

Saying you can not be friends with the opposite sex is like saying you can't be friends with your sister. Once again; "Perspective".

[Jane2011]

I don't deny that men and women can be entirely platonic with each other, but I will say this:

 

Most attractive women would be VERY surprised if they knew what the vast majority of their 'platonic male friends' actually thought of them.

 

I know you think your male friends are 'different'. But they're not.

 

It really just depends on what kind of male friends you have. Some guys are more the 'big buffoon' type than others. Or just different.

 

I don't deny that men are sexually attracted to women, and that sometimes even the most well-mannered and seemingly-innocuous male friend may be secretly having sexual thoughts about a woman friend. But it's still a question of degree. Some guys just have sex on the brain more than others.

 

To put it in perspective, there may be two guys who I have as friends and I may get the sense that both have at one time or another had thought of me sexually, etc., etc. But I'll still have good reason to believe that for one, a certain type of guy, it's really a lot less at the fore of his brain/thinking in general than it is for another. And that is how men are both the same and different from each other.

 

Sounds like you think men are all the exact same. They're not.

[xxoo]

I have a few close female friends. One was a girl I dated, 200 years ago, in HS:laugh: And a couple of them are hot, but I think at some point you realize that you have to wake up the next morning & resume your life.

As crude as this can be taken; Some can think far enough ahead to realize the mess isn't worth the clean up afterwards.

 

Saying you can not be friends with the opposite sex is like saying you can't be friends with your sister. Once again; "Perspective".

 

Exactly! So, your friend is hot. So, you are attracted to them. So what?

 

As long as you have your own fulfilling sexual relationship, why does it matter if you find your friend sexually attracted? Do you need to sleep with everyone you find attractive?

 

If you personally can't handle it (feel too tempted, or feel resentful because you secretly want to be more than friends), than don't do it. But others can.

 

I only have a handful of friends who I've stayed in contact with since early adulthood. A couple of those are men. It hasn't been a problem. On the contrary, friendships of that longevity are a blessing!

[dasein]

I have several, maybe even many female platonic friends. Most of them are good looking. It's possible to find someone attractive and also know a relationship would not work at the same time for whatever reason. I feel mild sexual attraction but no sexual tension whatsoever when around these if that makes any sense.

[EasyHeart]

As usual with gender threads on LS, this whole discussion is worthless because people refuse to listen to each other.

 

No one is claiming that it's impossible for any man and any woman in the history of the world to have a friendship. But it's kind of silly to simply dismiss anyone's opinion that disagrees with your preconceived notion.

 

There are lots of men and women (straight, gay, transgender, whatever) that have friendships with other people. There are also a significant number of men who pretend to be "friends" with a woman in the hopes that she will some day fall in love with him. Some women are clueless about this phenomenon and some women use it to exploit men.

 

The important thing for men to know is that pretending to be "friends" with a woman is not going to make her want to **** you. The important thing for women to know is that a lot of your male "friends" are just pretending.

 

I've used these definitions ad nauseum around here, but I think they're worth repeating:

 

Friends with Benefits == Sex without dating

Just Friends == Dating without sex

 

Women like having male "friends" for the same reason that men like having FWB: they are lopsided relationships where on person gets their needs met and the other does not.

 

It has nothing to do with them being immature or having sex on the brain or any of these other idiotic shaming techniques that many of the women here use to dismiss and diminish men. It's because rom coms and other media have misrepresented to men that this is an effective technique for attracting a girlfriend.

[Professor X]

There is a big difference between someone who will 'tap that' if given the chance... and someone who finds someone physically attractive, but can reasonably assess that they are not well suited for a romantic relationship and chooses not to throw the baby out with the bath water.

 

The former is a typical guy. The latter is a doormat wasting his life in hopes the other side will reciprocate one day.

There, fixed it for ya.

[xxoo]

Just Friends == Dating without sex

 

Women like having male "friends" for the same reason that men like having FWB: they are lopsided relationships where on person gets their needs met and the other does not.

 

Even if both are dating other people? (or partnered)

[xxoo]

There, fixed it for ya.

 

Prof, are you speaking from the standpoint of a man who does not have a gf?

 

Or do you feel the same is true when the guy has his own gf?

[oldguy]

Exactly! So, your friend is hot. So, you are attracted to them. So what?

 

As long as you have your own fulfilling sexual relationship, why does it matter if you find your friend sexually attracted? Do you need to sleep with everyone you find attractive?

 

If you personally can't handle it (feel too tempted, or feel resentful because you secretly want to be more than friends), than don't do it. But others can.

 

I only have a handful of friends who I've stayed in contact with since early adulthood. A couple of those are men. It hasn't been a problem. On the contrary, friendships of that longevity are a blessing!

Yup, "you can't punch out every guy who pisses you off or kiss every girl who turns you on" :laugh: