hellodearest Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) Help me restart my relationship! I dated a girl for a year and a half, then we broke up because she wasn't sure she felt "romantic love" towards me. Another guy came into the picture briefly after we had broken up, though nothing physical happened. Yesterday, she called me and said she wanted me to come over, she was sad and missed me like crazy, and she told me the guy was nothing and that she didn't want to throw away our relationship and what we had by jumping into another guys arms. In fact, she had been avoiding him for awhile. Our relationship still isn't fixed though, the initial issue is still there. We have a great connection, lots of sex/intimacy, and our favorite thing to do if were not out with friends is to stay home just the two of us in bed and lay around and talk - we do this for hours. She is very physically attracted to me. I'm her first relationship. She's never felt "romantic" love but feels like it should be there. She's admitted to being a little confused, and knows the issue lies within herself. We have the type of love that older couples have. (Though we're relatively young: I'm 26 and she's 25). We can finish each others sentences, love spending time together, and when we settle down in 5 or 6 years, she sees herself with me. It's lasting, companionship love. Unfortunately, she lacks that "spark". We met at a weird time in our lives and she was emotionally unavailable for a few different reasons, we've worked out the problems but we're afraid that we've missed out on that part of the relationship and don't have it to look back upon. We've been through a lot together, and she says one of the reasons she doesn't want to lose me is because she knows that we have this crazy compatibility, also, she admires that I love the girls I date more than any guy she knows would ever love their significant other. So -we've decided to take it slow, though everything feels a little bit forced now, which I'm hoping will subside. We're not going to see other people though we aren't "in a relationship" per say. We hung out for the first time since the breakup yesterday, and we had sex, though that's never going to be an issue. We've been broken up over the same "romantic" love issue before, though only briefly, and even then we couldn't stop hooking up with each other. Technically, we're friends with benefits now, with both of us hoping that we'll grow back together. We said that we'll re-evaluate during the middle/end of summer about each other and see how we feel. If we're feeling like things are working, then we'll make it official and exclusive and all that, however, if not... If things aren't working out by the end of summer, she said she still doesn't want to lose me, and she might want to go to her bohemian love ideals of an open relationship where she would date other people, have flings, and generally see if she can make a connection with someone else. She has confessed she doesn't think that she will be able to know someone inside and out and be as comfortable around them as she is around me. She wants to make sure that I'm the one for her, by dating around etc. (I would of course have the same privilege) She thinks if she does that, either A) she realizes I'm not the one, or B) I AM the one, and now she doesn't have doubts about us and will be satisfied and won't hurt me in the future with her doubts. She realizes that this option would be very hard for me. I on the other hand am still opposed to the idea, but the time hasn't come yet to decide on that. I realize I might have to put my foot down, and I'll lose her. I want advice on this particular issue, but not quite yet - My main issue: So were taking it slow, and it's painful for me not to hang out every day and check in with each other like we used to - all our routine is getting turned upside down, and maybe that's a good thing. For example, I have no idea what she's doing today, and I have no idea when she's working this week etc. It kind of drives me a little bit crazy, but she wants to take it slow (slower than I want) and reluctantly, I agree with her because this is really our last chance. If we **** up, it's over. How do I foster a relationship with more romantic love? First, I'll give you my strengths as a partner and I'll give you what I perceive may be faults of mine. Good qualities: I'm successful (med school) Have money (for now - student loans are in excess!) -disclaimer- she doesn't care about either of these things, she's not materialistic, she's the type of girl that doesn't want a diamond for her wedding ring. she actually preaches socialism I'm spontaneous Physically attractive to her Funny/Witty Very considerate On paper, her type of guy (reads good books/loves whiskey/experiments with drugs/smokes in social situations/essentially, a man's man, high minded, but knows how to get crazy and party rip from time to time) Possible bad qualities: I'm busy, and our schedules are completely opposite. So when we DO get to hang out, most of the time it's laying around in bed, watching a tv show, talking. I pamper the **** out of her with back rubs. She can't not be touched when were together alone, and it makes her feel loved etc. I feel like it makes her feel like I'm super into her (I am, but I digress) and that I'm doing her a favor with the backrubs constantly. (lowers my value maybe?) The thing is though, I've told her I hate having idle hands, and I actually really enjoy touching her skin. She can convince me to do anything/hang out whenever - (It's never something I REALLY don't want to do, it's usually in my best interest and/or fun or not a big deal. And she's really persuasive) I don't have much to talk about in terms of music/news/politics/books/magazine/current events/whatever since I'm so wrapped up in med school. These things are a huge part of her day. My days are really pretty boring, and nothing ever exciting happens. She loves long good conversations. It's not that we don't have anything to talk about, but since we spend so much time talking already, I don't have new perspectives on things. She enjoys talking to friends/strangers/whoever and getting into deep discussions on these things - something I'm unable to do due to time constraints. SO! Thanks for getting this far. I need advice on how to foster a "romantic" love, I don't want it to fail this time. I'm afraid we may be past the spark stage, but I'm hoping something can grow out of this for her. I know I myself feel it, I love her to the ends of the earth, and I know she loves me as a companion, a best friend, and loves sleeping with me. She just doesn't get the butterflies etc, and feels like something is missing. I've explained to her, love goes through stages, and we missed the first stage when we met each other due to life and we're now in this second, more companion like stage. Things are tense between us at the moment too. We seem to be both really sad after breaking up and when we ARE together the sadness kind of spills into it. At least it felt that way last night. She said she missed me and missed me and missed me, but when we finally got together to hang out, she just felt relieved, but didn't feel... butterflies, or sparks, or whatever. Just - relieved. So today, I don't know what she's doing, and all I want to do is call her and go to her house and sleep over and lay next to her and watch this TV show we've been waiting to come out (HBO's girls). But - we decided to take it slow. We talked about it and thus far, the boundaries are as follows: We don't talk every day, we don't hang out every day, and we aren't accountable to each other except for the fact that were not going to see other people. HELP! Where do I go from here? I feel love welling up for her, but I'm afraid to show it and need to reign it all in - but I know I can't smother her or act too needy or clingy or whatever. I need to somehow make myself scarce while growing closer again with her. Another thing: She recently got on SSRI's which does bring down the dopamine circuit which correlates with romantic love. She's reducing her dosage by half to see if that makes a difference, though both of us aren't sure that's even an issue. Anyone ever been in her situation? My situation? How can we capture a spark when there's absolutely no mystery left? I think she feels antsy too, we're in a new city and there's just so much life around us, and I think she's getting a little bit caught up in that. This is my own reflection, but I feel like if she could have it her way (and I'm putting this bluntly, and honestly), she would have me around as a safety blanket and hang out with me when she misses me, but also date other guys, do whatever she wants, and then in 5 or 6 years, settle down with me, have kids, the whole works. But in the meantime... I don't think she wants to be in the constraints of a relationship but also wants me in her life. I think she knows that this isn't fair, thus, our compromise and what we're trying to work out in the next couple months. I've told her, if we break up again, chances are we won't get back together because we'll date other people and in 5 or 6 years, who knows where we'll be? So given all this, what CAN I do? I love her to death and I just want to be in a committed, relationship where she feels more romantically towards me. I'm willing to do anything. Edited April 17, 2012 by hellodearest
callmegee Posted April 19, 2012 Posted April 19, 2012 You two have awesome chemistry and seem to have a very special bond that could last forever. I do hope you realise that you can't just let the summer pass and hope the relationship will improve on its own. Have you tried just asking her directly.... "we have great chemistry, we could be together forever if we wanted, why aren't we together?" what do you think her answer would be if you asked her? is she waiting for a proposal? ring + one knee? could be you know....
amantis Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 You are wasting time man . One thing i learned from being married with the 'woman of my life' was that when you find someone very special doesnt means that you have to date/marry her . You 2 have a great connection , but you are having sex with her , thats why you want something more . i hope you 2 can work things out , but i think that im not wrong here ... you 2 are suposed to just be very good friends , and nothing else . sorry if i sound negative , but thats what i think Theres a point that you are going to feel sick because you want her to love you and thats not gonna happen .
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