TimC-M8 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 My first post in quite a while. Separated for good August 2010. Divorced March 2011. Two young kids... Together 14 really good years, IMO. Ex claims she never loved me, though she told me daily that she did. We confided in each other about everything; we were best friends. Our business failed due to the internet, and at the same time she made many new friends on facebook, which was new to her at the time. (She loves facebook more than anything.) Then, just like that, all done. An emotional affair on facebook that amounted to nothing was all it took. She doesn't want me back, that's for sure. But she's not happier. Our kids are less well off. I'm not well, yet! And I want it to stop! I can't seem to motivate myself... I think what happens - to me anyway - is the bad stuff, that we all have to deal with in life, is compounded by the divorce. I would normally lean on her and she on me. Now, when sh*t happens the anger & sadness from the divorce are exposed, then amplified. I wish I could stop having mock conversations and arguments with her in my head. I want to live more in the present and future - can't seem to. Frankly, I'm surprised the pain is back to this degree. I don't need to tell you guys... it's tough... The idea that I lost my family is the the most difficult part for me. Add to that the simultaneous loss of our business that we had for 12 years, and I do believe this is an identity crisis , among other things. I think I'd be doing better, not perfect, but better if I had more money. I've never had an issue with depression, till now (age 40). It'll be two years this August since our final separation. I know it varies from person to person, but is there a typical grieving-time for a 14 year marriage ended by the ex?
Steadfast Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Hate to be the one to break it to you, but your love for her -or the memory of it- will never completely vanish. All of it; the marriage and family, are intertwined. What you're feeling now proves how strong that love really is. I think it's common to want to get over it asap, but the reality is it takes two or three years before any of us really begin to feel normal again. And by normal, I mean a renewed interest in your passions, or -gasp- actually going on a date! That is why I strongly discourage posters to not start dating too soon. That need for companionship or the feeling of not being 'whole' if you're not in a relationship is a recipe for disaster...and the risk for making bad decisions doubles when you're coming out of a divorce. Missing the connection you had with your wife, that foundation, is common and understandable. So is the emotional conflict you feel regarding her actions and words. Believe it or not, someday you'll recognize it a good thing. You'll see. In my opinion, you're smack dab in the middle of the healing zone. Your heart and brain are still trying to reconcile. Don't rush it. Posting here is a great idea. Nothing speeds up healing faster than helping someone else. Accepting life for what it is remains 95% of the battle. The only question remaining is; will you learn from it and be a stronger, better person, or will you allow it to taint everything in your life from this point forward? For now, prove your love to her by being kind, by being the best father and person you can be, and striving for better. Once you've regained some of your instincts and energy, you can address the money issue. You will, Just remember; you can't start rising 'till you're finished falling. Hang in there. 2
TroyNJ Posted April 21, 2012 Posted April 21, 2012 Tim, I'm also 2 years out and I'm not doing very well either. Losing my family has shattered me mentally and I still can't find my way. Hang in bud!
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