Girlfriend got drunk and cheated on me.

[imbirox]

Hey all,

 

I've been dating a girl named Ella for 8 months now and we were close friends before the relationship too. I'm very much in love with her and she feels the same. I'm just turned 20 and she's nearly 19 years old.

 

My previous relationship ended badly so with this new one I was too scared to tell her I loved her until we were 3 months in. As soon as I told her, she told me she felt the same way and has so for a few weeks prior. Life was good.

 

Here's the problem. One week after she told me she loved me, she went out on the town. I had to work the next morning so I couldn't go. She ended up getting extremely drunk and happened to see a guy I know through her named Dave (who is extremely muscley). I knew Dave as he used to date Ella's sister and was super in love with Ella's sister still, but she kinda just kept him on a leash as she was good looking and had options I guess.

 

Anyway she got extremely drunk and had no where to stay, so she went back to Dave's friend's house who he was staying at. I don't know how this happened but she was pretty out of it, and he came to her bed and kissed her and fingered her. She kissed him back and let it happen. Then this is the worst part, she gave him a full headjob, then after he finished they both went to sleep.

 

This is where gets crazy.

 

She woke up the next morning and felt horrible. She told me something was wrong and I got out of her what happened but not who it was with. She was completely regretful, a depressed blubbering mess. I was scared she was going to kill herself over it.

I was a complete mess and didn't know anyone else in the town so I went to the only person i knew for advice....DAVE!

 

She didn't tell me it was Dave as she didn't want my friendship ruined with him. I spoke to him telling him 'I can't believe it! She loved me and somehow gave a guy a headjob! How could this happen!'. After 10 minutes he told me it was him and he was sorry. I just stormed out of the house and needed time.

 

I went back to Ella and spoke to her. We talked some stuff over.

 

From that point on she stopped drinking, she didn't go out for 3 months and now she only goes out with me. She tells me she loves me everyday and respects me. She bursts into tears whenever I bring up what happened and regrets it SO MUCH. Whenever I bring it up, she doesn't recover for a few hours. She's always missing me when I'm not around. Dave took a heap of pills and tried to kill himself, but he got caught and was stopped. Ella's sister completely cut off Dave and now he is depressed and lonely. I'm not friends with Dave anymore and neither is Ella.

 

So now we are nearly 9 months along as I decided to forgive her and it's still crossing my mind daily. I just can't believe it happened and it's really eating at me. I love her so much and so does she. I love what I have with her and I don't want to give what I have up with her, just because of a mistake she made, which she is extremely sorry for and is in the past. I'm so in love with her, but I don't want to live like this. I'm scared I'll be depressed if I leave her or not find anyone like her.

 

Would you give up the best thing you've ever had because of a drunken mistake?

 

And no, she's not lying. That is what happened, that is all that happened I assure you. Ella can't lie, it would just eat her up. I asked them both and they both told me what happened. She did not have sex with him and has been very loyal since the mistake. I just don't want people making assumptions that aren't true, i promise you.

 

My question is.....what should I do? Can i get over this and recover from it, or should I ask to go on a break from her. I just don't want to lose her and i'd miss her. I just can't understand how this happened

 

She swears she had no intention of cheating on me and is not attracted to the guy. She's attracted to me. I guess I'm angry because something so pure and great, has been soured by one drunken night.

[dasein]

To an extent, you can't help what you feel. However, it's unfair to claim to forgive someone and then have this baggage hanging around in the back of your mind forever, that's not really forgiveness. If you have a really forgiving heart and really love her, you can move past this. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time the cheating comes into your head.

 

Personally, I would have broken up when it happened due to the exact kinds of feelings you are having. But there is always room or forgiveness in the world, you just have to follow through and really forgive her, not just say the words.

[veggirl]

I would have broken up with her when it happened, I'm sorry that you didn't. You guys are very young, try to be objective...at 20 and 19 this is most likely (sorry!!!) not the person you will spend the rest of your life with. It all sounds so dramatic, the thoughts multiple people may kill themselves??

 

The thing is, you loved before her so you know you can love again.

 

If you are hellbent on staying with her, you have find a way to forgive. How you can do that, I'm not sure...personally I wouldn't bother, it will always be in the back of your mind, you can't control your GF, there is going to be instances where something will come up, she will be out without you, she will be drinking without you...if you all are still together, in 2 yrs she'll be 21, she will want to go out, she won't want a guy telling her "remember what you did" I really think you should cut your losses now

[Ginger Beer]

I would have broken up with her when it happened, I'm sorry that you didn't. You guys are very young, try to be objective...at 20 and 19 this is most likely (sorry!!!) not the person you will spend the rest of your life with. It all sounds so dramatic, the thoughts multiple people may kill themselves??

 

The thing is, you loved before her so you know you can love again.

 

If you are hellbent on staying with her, you have find a way to forgive. How you can do that, I'm not sure...personally I wouldn't bother, it will always be in the back of your mind, you can't control your GF, there is going to be instances where something will come up, she will be out without you, she will be drinking without you...if you all are still together, in 2 yrs she'll be 21, she will want to go out, she won't want a guy telling her "remember what you did" I really think you should cut your losses now

 

I've got to agree with this OP. I think it won't ever be the same as it was before and your only option is to end it.

[Leigh 87]

I would have broken up with her when it happened, I'm sorry that you didn't. You guys are very young, try to be objective...at 20 and 19 this is most likely (sorry!!!) not the person you will spend the rest of your life with. It all sounds so dramatic, the thoughts multiple people may kill themselves??

 

The thing is, you loved before her so you know you can love again.

 

If you are hellbent on staying with her, you have find a way to forgive. How you can do that, I'm not sure...personally I wouldn't bother, it will always be in the back of your mind, you can't control your GF, there is going to be instances where something will come up, she will be out without you, she will be drinking without you...if you all are still together, in 2 yrs she'll be 21, she will want to go out, she won't want a guy telling her "remember what you did" I really think you should cut your losses now

 

 

Awwww, I am also not tollerant of cheating, but at least Elle knows it is not worth cheating!!! She has done it, felt terrible, and must know by now if her bf is worth more than a one time thing.

 

I would have broken up with her, too. Better to find another girl you love, and be hurt over Ella.

 

However, u already took her back, so it could work out. At least she KNOWS it is not worth it to cheat now!!!!

[TripLine]

Does she kiss you with that mouth?

[nofool4u]

Would you give up the best thing you've ever had because of a drunken mistake?

 

Funny how the best thing you ever had slobbed all over another guy's pork loin.

 

Yes, I would end it because someone that does that to me is NOT the best thing ever.

 

Being drunk isn't and excuse. All being drunk does is allows people to more easily do that which they don't have the guts to do when sober. It brings out their true character.

 

 

And no, she's not lying. That is what happened, that is all that happened I assure you. Ella can't lie, it would just eat her up. I asked them both and they both told me what happened. She did not have sex with him and has been very loyal since the mistake.

 

It wasn't a mistake. She did it because she wanted to do it.

 

 

My question is.....what should I do?

 

We could tell you, but somehow since you are already making excuses for her I doubt you will listen.

 

But here it goes. Break up with her. You are young and there are much better girls out there. Girls that won't go off and get drunk, hook up with another guy, and suck him off.

 

 

Can i get over this and recover from it, or should I ask to go on a break from her. I just don't want to lose her and i'd miss her. I just can't understand how this happened

 

It happened because she wants other guys. She wanted that guy's member, and she swallowed it. Sorry to be so graphic about it, but its the truth and you need to see it in the coldest harshest terms out there, because it is what it is.

 

She swears she had no intention of cheating on me and is not attracted to the guy. She's attracted to me.

 

Well gee, she savored another guy's d!ck that she wasn't attracted to? I'd hate to see what happens when she parties and starts up a conversation with a guy she IS attracted to.

 

And don't fool yourself into thinking you are the ONLY guy she is attracted to. That would just be naive.

 

 

I guess I'm angry because something so pure and great, has been soured by one drunken night.

 

Trust me, it won't be just this one drunken night if you stay with her. And if all it takes is a little drinking to suck off a guy she isn't attracted to, then there is nothing pure and great about her whatsoever.

 

She must be really cute, because it seems you are letting your little head do the thinking for the big one.

[yessy21]

Im going to tell you what i will tell my 5 year old when she grows up,if this was to ever happen to her.

"U are not the first or last that this will happen to. Be appreciative that they told you instead of hidding it like cowards. They both made a mistake. How dare you forgive her but not him. Its both their faults. Its not an easy thing to forget but its a challenge to move forward with. Get an STD test. talk about it...let it all out... and MAKE YOUR OWN DECISION...because in the end... at least you did it your way."

[ThatDudeXO]

Wow...basically the person you love put another mans PENIS in her MOUTH and did whatever with his semen and you still wanna be with her? That's crazy. Take it from me and dump her.

 

What kind of a girl cheats only to give her sister's ex a frickin blowjob? Ask yourself that.

[Professor X]

It's funny how you use to word mistake so many times.

 

I bet by mistake she put his penis in her mouth and by mistake his finger slipped inside of her.

Ye, wish that mistake would happen to me more often!

[ThatDudeXO]

It's funny how you use to word mistake so many times.

 

I bet by mistake she put his penis in her mouth and by mistake his finger slipped inside of her.

Ye, wish that mistake would happen to me more often!

 

Haha! It's not a mistake at all! She wanted this guy to finger and she wanted to put his dick in her mouth. She didn't give a **** about you at the time because she was horny, infatuated or drunk but she only regretted it when it was done.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt my friend but you either forgive her and move on or dump her. I would do the latter because my GF giving another guy a blowjob?!!??! That's unquestionable to me lol...

[gaius]

I wouldn't want to deal with walking in a room and meeting new people who all had the thought “his girlfriend blew another guy and he's still with her! ahahaha” in their head. You know Dave bragged about it, guys like that always do. If she was going to cheat the least she could do was not involve the circle of people you interact with, so disrespectful. Good luck getting over that one.

[Chi townD]

What the hell is a "headjob"? Do you mean HAND job or a blowjob?

[ThatDudeXO]

most people have cheated. some can learn. some can't.

 

Cheating with a friend who is also her sisters ex? She needs to be dumped asap. Poor guy is being humiliated.

[seibert253]

You both are young and you have less than a year invested into this.

 

Move on.

[loversquarrel]

To an extent, you can't help what you feel. However, it's unfair to claim to forgive someone and then have this baggage hanging around in the back of your mind forever, that's not really forgiveness. If you have a really forgiving heart and really love her, you can move past this. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it every time the cheating comes into your head.

 

Personally, I would have broken up when it happened due to the exact kinds of feelings you are having. But there is always room or forgiveness in the world, you just have to follow through and really forgive her, not just say the words.

 

 

Wrong. You can forgive someone and still feel hurt by thier actions. Forgetting is a different story. You will never forget this.

[dasein]

Wrong. You can forgive someone and still feel hurt by thier actions. Forgetting is a different story. You will never forget this.

 

While it's true that the fact of the behavior will remain, only the lazy can't forget, or rather transform in time, the emotional content to positive, learning experience. Like everything else in life, it requires effort. I've been cheated on several times, but it's mere egoism and indulgence to cling to negative emotions past a point. There are some traumatic life experiences I choose to maintain the emotional associations with, but the operative word there is "choose."

 

We live in a time of the cultural nausea of endless indulgence and coddling of "feelings." I choose otherwise.

[imbirox]

Guys please remember I'm just asking for advice, I don't need comments like 'does she kiss you with that mouth' at this point in time. I'm young, fragile and confused, people on forums forget that they are talking to real people I guess.

 

There's no doubt what she did was horrible and unfair on me, but she's my best friend and I don't feel closer to anyone more than her. Everyone probably thinks she's a slut, but she's not. She really cares about me and her actions hurt her so much and are still hurting her.

 

Maybe I should see a councillor about this...

[TaraMaiden]

That's because you keep guilt-tripping her....!

For chrissakes, if you want to make something of this with her, then fine, go ahead - but quit self-sabotaging and bringing it up and flinging it in her face!

 

I actually believe you're gratified by seeing her upset and eaten up by guilt.

It gives you a hold over her, and gives you a sense of satisfaction to make her keep wallowing in guilt.

 

If you know it makes her 'suffer for a few hours' there's something sadistic and self-satisfying by keeping it open like a running sore.

 

That's just wrong.

If you wish to move on, make the wish come true, make it a reality, and get over it.

[smudge21]

Agree with Tara here, that's put it brilliantly. If you really want to be with her after this, then you have to move on. Clearly all parties involved regret what happened and being human, we all make stupid mistakes. We have to in order to learn from them, which clearly your girlfriend has. I'm not excusing what happened, it was bad, terrible and many of us wouldn't be able to go back... but you have. You've made the decision to work past this, so do it. Move on. Rebuild that trust. If you can't do it on your own, then see a relationship councillor, together if need be.

 

That said though, you are both very young and you have to ask if seeing councillors and the rest is really what you should be doing at 20 years old. Is she really worth this much pain and upset, this much work. If the answers yes, then do whatever you can to heal these wounds. If not, walk away. Either way, don't stay in limbo and let this eat away and destroy you both. Sort it now, one way or another.

[samsungxoxo]

The fact that she cheated with her sister's ex and a group of people know this makes it worst.

 

She might not be a slut but is clearly an individual that lacks self-control if the situation is given. Is this really the quality you're looking for in a girl?

 

But if you so much into working it out (yes some relationships do survive cheating) then counseling would be ok. She would also have to be fine with giving you access to her email accounts, cell phone, etc and don't get defensive about it.

 

My predictation still says: It will not work out and you'll one day wake up and get tired of it. Next is you'll find another girl because young love in general is just a deep stage of infatuation. Nothing in the world last forever.

[loversquarrel]

While it's true that the fact of the behavior will remain, only the lazy can't forget, or rather transform in time, the emotional content to positive, learning experience. Like everything else in life, it requires effort. I've been cheated on several times, but it's mere egoism and indulgence to cling to negative emotions past a point. There are some traumatic life experiences I choose to maintain the emotional associations with, but the operative word there is "choose."

 

We live in a time of the cultural nausea of endless indulgence and coddling of "feelings." I choose otherwise.

 

 

Wrong again. What you write is opinionated, not fact. While it is true that we make choices, things that have happened in our past shape who we are and who we become. No man can overcome nature, it is natural that once we get burned whether it be physical or emotional (still physical) we don't forget what happened. The pain we suffer emotionally is a different form of pain, it still takes time to heal. Laziness is a word you use to describe a person's inability to compartmentalize. Some people can, others can't.

 

As far as egoism....that is a personality component and causes a person to feel more anger than hurt.

 

What works for you....can't be applied to everyone.

[stillafool]

Guys please remember I'm just asking for advice, I don't need comments like 'does she kiss you with that mouth' at this point in time. I'm young, fragile and confused, people on forums forget that they are talking to real people I guess.

 

There's no doubt what she did was horrible and unfair on me, but she's my best friend and I don't feel closer to anyone more than her. Everyone probably thinks she's a slut, but she's not. She really cares about me and her actions hurt her so much and are still hurting her.

 

Maybe I should see a councillor about this...

 

 

Maybe. It does seem that you have already justified what she did. I will say that alcohol did not make her do what she did. It may have lowered her inhibitions so she could do what she was feeling, but believe whatever you want. Why do people always blame it on the alcohol.

[stillafool]

The fact that she cheated with her sister's ex and a group of people know this makes it worst.

 

She's probably always wanted to do this guy. Sorry but me calls it as me sees it.

[samsungxoxo]

She's probably always wanted to do this guy. Sorry but me calls it as me sees it.

Poor sister too. It would never cross my mind dating a sister, cousin or best friend's ex bf. I believe that's a boundary (code) you have to respect, even when they're exes.

 

So if the OP's gf was capable of cheating with her sister's ex, I can imagine how easy it would be for her cheating with a random man in similar circumstances.