sand936 Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 (edited) Hi all. I need help! I'm a 24 y.o. straight male, who grew up in a very religious Jewish environment, that I am no longer part of (gradually drifted starting at 19.) While I'm generally considered socially well-adjusted, I'm completely deficient and inexperienced when it comes to romance. I've spent my entire life avoiding it - first because my religious community didn't approve of young relationships, and until now because I feel completely intimidated & out of my element. In terms of looks, I'd give myself a 5 out of 10 (although perhaps I'm too harsh.) I'm 5"8 but very skinny. I consider myself extremely emotionally intelligent, and I'm generally a person that people turn to when they need advice - and thank me profusely later on. Socially I have a high opinion of myself (in a healthy way), and I think I have a lot to offer as a friend, and eventually a husband/father. Someone recently told me I'm the kind of guy no girl wants to date, but every girl wants to marry. My problem? I feel totally lost in the romantic sphere of life. I'll pose my questions/issues in two parts. 1) Do people really ask girls out - cold (say, in the supermarket?) To me, it feels socially inappropriate because it's basically saying "I think you are hot. Will you go out with me." It feels more appropriate to ask a girl out after at least hearing her talk, so I don't look like a jerk. Am I wrong, and just getting in my own way? 2) As much as I value certain parts my personality, and my ability to truly be there for someone, for some reason I feel like a total 0 romantically. So the thought of asking a girl out, in my head, is tantamount to approaching a girl and genuinely asking if she'd like to eat mud. Why would I expect her to say yes?! I've never been able to pinpoint why I feel this way, but it's a huge problem. Girls have always liked me as a person, and felt that I was the kind of guy they could open up to. Somehow, I haven't been able to make the transition to viewing myself as a potential romantic partner. Thanks so much for reading, sorry for the ramble - I look forward to reading any feedback you might have (as well as offering what I can to other people's threads ) Edited April 16, 2012 by sand936 accuracy
january2011 Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 1) Yes, but you usually need to be comfortable and confident in doing this. However, you could just make an observation/smalltalk and see how she responds. If you get a conversation going then perhaps a natural step would be to ask if she'd fancy a coffee. And if she says, "yes," then congratulations, you've just asked out a girl - cold. 2) Everyone has a different idea of what is considered romantic. Sure, there are some classic standbys, such as flowers and other gifts as well as candlit dinners. However, there are some girls that aren't into these things. I suggest that you start off by doing your research on what's generally considered romantic and then tailor these to your partner. In terms of giving and receiving love, information on the five love languages is a good start - try googling for the website.
jobaba Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 1) Do people really ask girls out - cold (say, in the supermarket?) To me, it feels socially inappropriate because it's basically saying "I think you are hot. Will you go out with me." It feels more appropriate to ask a girl out after at least hearing her talk, so I don't look like a jerk. Am I wrong, and just getting in my own way? 2) As much as I value certain parts my personality, and my ability to truly be there for someone, for some reason I feel like a total 0 romantically. So the thought of asking a girl out, in my head, is tantamount to approaching a girl and genuinely asking if she'd like to eat mud. Why would I expect her to say yes?! I've never been able to pinpoint why I feel this way, but it's a huge problem. Girls have always liked me as a person, and felt that I was the kind of guy they could open up to. Somehow, I haven't been able to make the transition to viewing myself as a potential romantic partner. Don't feel bad. There's a lot of men your age in your same boat, including ones that have not been held back by religious conservativeness. A lot of them are on this board. Get friendly. Say hello. 1) A lot of men I know who have been very successful at dating many women have never had to resort to this. I have never REALLY done it either ( I have done it, but more like half-heartedly when drunk). 2) The transition from friend to lover is 90% of the time ... looks. Sorry to be so harsh. But the sooner you learn, the better off you'll be. So, if you haven't gotten much interest by now, start talking to and hitting on a LOT of women and hope one of them thinks you are cute. The other 10% comprises a woman either being non-shallow or you being able to trigger emotional attraction in her. The former you may run across while getting to know and talking to many women but is a square minority for sure. The latter is a lengthy subject which I would need another thread to cover.
JohnBons Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 (edited) You sound like the stereotypical 'nice guy' that would get friend-zoned a lot. My advice? Embrace your masculinity, work out, get active and driven in your endeavors and don't pedestal women (they are human)--- even become or embrace the non-caring 'jerk' side of your personality. This includes: putting your life in ORDER, decisiveness, taking action, ZERO tolerance for bull****, ZERO care for what other people 'think' of you, enforcing strong boundaries, having ambition, loving yourself, embracing your dark side, being outspoken, knowing where you stand and standing your ground no matter the opposition or consequences, accepting your own sexuality and how much you love women, owning your feelings about them and not being afraid of them, etc. The fact is most women can't resist that, regardless of what they say. Most of them don't want a pansy/nice guy/oversensitive advice giving guy. They want a MAN. Figure out what that means for you and be it, and you shouldn't have issues with women. 1) Happens extremely rarely. Usually connections happen through mutual friends. So...increase your social circle! 2) Not believing women will find you attractive/desirable is the number one reason they don't. You project your attitude with your manneurisms, vocal tonality, hygiene, etc without even realizing it. Work on your self esteem/core beliefs. See a therapist. Edited April 18, 2012 by JohnBons
dasein Posted April 18, 2012 Posted April 18, 2012 Hey, welcome to the forum. Not that many men ask women out cold because it requires a thick skin and lots of boring repetition. Based on your post, wouldn't suggest you start there. Most men meet women through mutual acquaintances, work, church, clubs, social networking online via shared friends, online dating. You need a mild attitude adjustment. Quality women like to meet new people, and they like to feel appreciated for their looks in a respectful way. You have to figure out some way to avoid the "asking them to eat mud" way of thinking. You will indeed meet women that react as such, but those do you a favor by allowing you to screen them out quickly. We all start as 0 romantically, well other than a lucky few. Remember the old Cyndi Lauper song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and apply that. Start there, then move to more overt flirtation. Maybe read a dating course. Doc Love on askmen.com offers excellent basic advice for men starting out. Stay light and flirty, don't care too much, they are just people many of whom are looking for the same things you are. A first step I'd suggest for you is to start getting comfortable talking to all kinds of people out and about, regardless of age, gender,appearance. Broaden your social network and get comfortable with people generally first before trying to hone in on approaching and asking for dates. People you meet generally have single female friends and relatives also. Good luck.
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