I Broke Up With Him...and of Course, the "But".

[radrluv72]

Ugh. Need to vent folks. In the end, I probably already know the answer, but I can usually get good feedback from you good people. To start off, for the first time in a reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaallly long time, I was the dumper...not the dumpee. Not that I'm looking for any pats on the back because breaking up with him was not planned at all. As a matter of fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do. I'll explain...

 

I am currently 39 years old, never been married, no kids. About the beginning of March a rather handsome 46 year old divorced man started pursuing me off the personals. We talked for about a good 2-3 weeks before we finally agreed to met, and when we did, it was instantaneous magnetic chemistry. We clicked so well that it felt like we'd known eachother for years. He was smart, articulate, talented, affectionate, treated me exactly in the way that I needed and it was so easy. We could joke around, have serious talks when needed...and while we got along so well, we had the mutual discussion that we needed baby steps & not to go too fast. I wasn't looking for any immeadiate "I love you's", and he was trying to be sensitive to my feelings because he knew that he had the big black "rebound" cloud hanging over his head because he'd only been divorced for a year (they were together for 25 years, married for 20), and he told me he didn't want that to happen to me--meaning, make me the "rebound" girl. Mkay, got it.

 

Anyways, last week, an incident came up where I wasn't happy about something that he'd done. I wasn't mad...yet not very happy about it. I very calmly made my feelings known, and said item that had caused this raise of the brow was quickly elimated on his end. The next day when I asked him about it and why he removed "said item", I found myself angry over his response. In my heart, I had somewhat hoped what the reason he had removed "said item" was because of me. But his response to me...didn't appear to be the case. So it pissed me off.

 

So those were points A (not very happy) and B (pissed off), that led me to point C...being that I had to stop & ask myself why I had gotten angry at his response to me. Well, it was clear...I was getting emotionally attached & used to having him be in my life, and this was only after almost 3 weeks of dating. Based on what a wreck I was after my last relationship had ended, I knew I hadn to make a decision. I had to respect the fact that this wonderful man who I had been dating for the past 3 weeks, was still unsure of his feelings about me. I wasm being realistic...we were still very much getting to know eachother, and even though our chemistrty was amazing, I didn't want to get in over my head so soon. So I was debating on making a very sticky decision...should I keep my feelings to myself, bite my tongue & pray that soon his feelings would catch up with mine, or did I need to temporarily remove myself from the situation to give my heart a chance to settle down, and try things again when I wasn't so emotionally entangled.

 

I'll pause in saying one thing...in no way am I saying that I fell in love with him. Not even close. But I knew that I cared enough that I was starting to want more. I didn't want to stop seeing him, but I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I needed to talk to him. So I made the decision in telling him that I needed to talk because there was something going on with me. I knew that I had to brace myself for the possibility of him telling me he still just wasn't ready for things to get more serious yet, and that I would probably have to walk away from him for a bit...worse case scenario.

 

Thursday morning I texted him from work, asking if he would be home that night so we could talk. I told him that something was a bit wrong, and that I needed to let him know what was going on with me. He immeadiately replied by saying that something that serious shouldn't wait, and asked me what was wrong. I repsonded by telling him that I didn't want to discuss it through text. I told him that I wanted to talk about some hurt feelings (my first mistake) over the said "incident" even though I really didn't think what he'd done was intentional. He said that he would be home that night, and I told him that I would call him after work.

 

Later that day, I started to wonder if maybe it wasn't just best that I go to his place & talk to him face to face, seeing how his house was 5 minutes from my office. Before I left that day, I tried calling to see if he was home, but he didn't answer. So I went straight home after work.

 

So later that night, I tried to call him to talk. He didn't pick up, so I left a message, and was starting to feel a little upset. I tried again an hour later...voice mail again. So I sent him a text message telling him that I ws starting to feel like an ass for continually calling his phone & he not answering, so I needed a good time to call, because this was important to me.

 

What happened next, left me in a state of shock for 2 days. Did I know this man completely after 3 weeks of dating? Of course not. In mentally preparing for this conversation, I knew there could very well be a negative reaction on his part, but what he did then, I never could have prepared for.

 

He promptly sent me a text--first of all, clearly meaning that each time I called, he just let it roll to his voice mail & deliberately didn't answer--telling me that he'd rather just text. He said that he didn't want a confrontation with me, and disliked that fact that he was probably going top be "scolded" for something. The man who told me that he wanted to take care of my trust, and be sensitive towards my feelings, was suddenly refusing to even have a person-to-person conversation with me.

 

I tried as many times as I could to try to reassure him that this wasn't the case at all, and it wasn't. In no way was I looking for a fight...I practically begged him to answer his phone, just to talk to me because what I had to say to him...well, there was just too much to say, and there was no way I was going to have a conversation like this through freaking text messaging. He replied back asking why I couldn't just respect his wishes & tell him what was going on...and followed with "you can't make me do what you want you know". My jaw dropped. Hell, if I had any way of making the man do what I wanted, I wouldn't have been in this situation to begin with.

 

I asked him what exactly he though it was that I had to say to him? What was he so angry about? He was treating me like I had done something wrong & I had done nothing, all I wanted to do was talk. His reply was, "I'm not angry but you don't care about my feelings about this at all. You just just make it worse by doing what I don't want you to do?!"...meaning, calling him.

 

I tried again to tell him that in no way was I looking to tear his head off or verbally bash him, because I cared too much about him to tear him down. I begged him one more time to please talk to me.

 

His reply: "Then please tell me what's up. I'm not bending. Sorry."

 

I sat there and cried for a good 10 minutes. I couldn't believe he was suddenly being so mean & so afraid...and for what reason, I just couldn't fathom. For a moment, I considered giving in, and then I stopped. And then I almost flat out said "no", and then I stopped. So this was my final reply:

 

"All I wanted to do was talk to you about a realization I had about my feelings for you because I didn't know what to do because I know that you're not there yet. But all of a sudden I'm not worth wasting breath on...so I won't bother you anymore. Didn't realize I was such a massive waste of your time. Goodbye."

 

And that was it. He never replied back. That was Thursday night...it's now Monday night, and I have recieved no calls, no texts, no e-mails...nothing. I have made no attempt to contact him either.

 

When it happened, the reason I made the decision that I did, is that no one...and I mean no one gets to take my voice away from me, especially in such a childish, mean-spirited, controlling manner. I'm too old to put up with that kind of crap from anyone. But the fact that he even did it...I still just can't believe. I can't even begin to guess where his mind went to that day...intially I would think that since he had all day to sit & stew about it, he worked himself up enough to believe that I was looking for some kind of knock-down drag-out and flipped out on me. I know that some men prefer to avoid confrontation because they don't want to feel like "mom" is scolding them...I get that, and in the few weeks that we dated, I don't think that dynamic ever happened. We'd talked about the pace our our budding relationship a number of times, even before we started dating, so we could try to stay on the same page. All I wanted to do was have a heart-to-heart with him...and instead I got a completely irrational reaction before the conversation could even happen.

 

I know that you're probably asking, she dated this guy a whopping 3 weeks, who cares if he acts like a nutjob, cut him loose, lady!! Yeah, I know. I went through 2 days of being in shellshock over how he acted, but since yesterday, that kind of faded, and now I find msyelf just....I don't know, sad. I know that I made the right decision in saying goodbye, because I won't tolarate being treated like that. A 46 year old man shouldn't be hiding behind texts on his iPhone to put more distance between himself & whatever it is that has him so freaked out. But here's my question...why the freakout? What in god's name could have had him so irrational? Anyone?

 

And then there's the other bit...the fact that he never replied to my last text. I don't want to sound vindictive...but I secretly hope that once he got the gist of what I wanted to talk to him about, that he felt like a tremendous idiot. Like sh*t. Like a fool. I'm not going to lie...I want to hear from him. I miss him awful. But deep down, I'm wondering that if he does feel like a royal jerk over his behavior, that it's so much that he just simply won't call. Or maybe he just really doesn't give a damn and has no problem in disassociating himself with me. I don't want to sit & wallow in it...but I don't know...I just still can't believe he acted like that.

 

This ever happen to anyone here? Anyone?

[radrluv72]

Well folks...there was a part two to this...and it happened last night.

 

After a week and a half of sticking to my resolve to not contact this man, Sunday night I finally caved. I sent a couple of e-mails...basically saying that this whole silent treatment bit was stupid. After he didn't respond, yesterday I dropped him a couple of text messages. He finally responded after I got off of work, and what resulted was an overdue hour-long conversation.

 

First of all, he apologized for what he did. His bottom line was this...he was still trying to get over the heartbreak of his divorce, making the comment that his ex really "f*cked him over" on a lot of things. He said that he had no idea what it was that he wanted, but when it came to me, he knew full well that I wanted a commitment. He said that everything between us was great...that I was so sweet, I had a good heart, and that I deserved what I wanted, but he was in no position to give it to me. But instead of really sitting me down & laying it on the line, he drifted, as he put it, out into "the freezing ocean darkness". He said that we were too out of sync with where we we at in our lives...I wanted a commitment & a lifelong partner, and he was out in the middle of nowhere, not knowing where he was going to be the next day. He said that he wasn't going to waste my time or allow me to sacrifice myself & my happiness when he just couldn't give me what I wanted.

 

Needless to say, I was quietly crying my eyes out while he was talking. I already knew from past experiences that you can't push a person into wanting what you want. I had wanted a second chance to go slow, but he refused. It hurt. Still does the next day. I kept asking for him to try to reconsider, but he kept saying no because his life was so up in the air, and he knew that wasn't good for me...that I deserved more. He said that right now he was doing all the dumb stuff that you're not supposed to do when you're on the cusp of the age of 47, and he knew that the next committed relationship he goes into, he's going to have to grow up. He even talked about the possibility of moving to Texas where the construction industry was booming. He said that he was sick of trying to date because every woman he talked to, it was like a job interview, except when it came to me. We just fell into things so easily.

 

Now, here's where it gets interesting. So, I finally say to him, "so you don't want me at all." He hesistated for a moment, and said the words that no one wants to hear. "We can be friends".

 

However, there was more to that statement which he went on to explain. He said that he didn't have a problem in hanging out, having a few drinks, going to a movie, ect...but the he dropped in a very frank manner that if we were go out, have a few drinks, get a little drunk & wound up sleeping together, he wouldn't make any attempt to stop it. Oh, you know this one, don't you, fair readers...

 

I'm not dumb. I won't lie, we had fantastic sex. This man was probably the most sensual man that I'd ever met in my life, and the physical chemistry between us could have caught the room on fire. But my definition of "friends" obviously doesn't include a piece of tail after a few beers. I knew that I wasn't in love with this man, but I knew that I had grown very fond of him--despite his irrational behavior from the actual split itself--and I know me. Casual sex wasn't my thing, and this was the first man that I'd slept with in almost a year and a half, and he knew it. I know that if I caved in even on just one night. I'd be right back where I started. And I'm too old for that game.

 

But I also know that I missed him. I missed his face, missed his odd sense of humor, missed his tenderness. This was a man that told me he'd felt like he'd known me for years, wanted to do "couples" things with my married friends, didn't judge me for my own wierd stuff...there was definietly more good in my experience with him than bad. What the end result was is that we agreed to be friends, and while he needed to do his drifting, he said that he would still be open to the possibility of trying again someday...just not now.

 

So I asked when I could see him, because I had missed him. He said that he missed me as well, but he needed some time before he could see me again. He said to call him next week and we could go try to have a couple of drinks, but he then told me that he wanted me to go out on a couple of dates with different men before we saw eachother again. Not *sleep* with them...but date, he specified. Oh, really.

 

After I got off the phone with him, needless to say, while we had a good talk, reading between the lines wasn't that hard. Okay, he wants me to try to let go of my feelings for him because he says he can't make me happy in the way that I need, so he says to go out & date, but don't sleep with anyone else because I want to know that I could still potentially be the only guy getting into your panties without all that commitment stuff. I get the whole thing about some exes wanting to be friends and then hoping for the "benefits"...but telling me not to go out & sleep with anyone else to get over him? Frankly, my friends who know about the whole situation, that's usually the first thing they're pushing me to get out the door & do. I don't act on it, but that's the first time any guy that I ever stopped dating ever told me anything like that. And this wasn't anything I was reading into..he said it, word for word. "I'm not talking about f*cking. I'm talking about dating. That's all, there's a difference."

 

I don't know, I have some mixed feelings about the whole outcome. Yes, there's "typical guy" BS in there. There's also the fact that he was asking for some time before he saw me again. And then there's the whole feeling a tiny bit patronized for the whole "I'm just looking out for you" thing. But I do understand & respect his need to wander & figure out where his life is going to take him next...he was with the same woman for 25 years, married for nearly twenty of those years, had two children with her, and then was suddenly ejected into a new life that he hadn't planned for or expected. Having never been married myself, I can't imagine what that must feel like. Despite his screwups--and he's had plenty with me--there's still a heart there. And I really can't hate him for being honest about the lack of stability in his life right now, and his telling me that it's just not in him to give me what could make me happy.

 

I don't know, we'll have to see where this goes. I may be potentially meeting someone new for drinks this weekend. I may not have gotten what I wanted, but for now at least the thought of still being able to talk to him & having him in my life in some capacity makes me feel a little better...but we'll see how this while "don't sleep with anyone" thing pans out. There maybe a part 3 to this that could be a doozy if I start dating someone new on a regular basis.

[maya.arrow]

Aw man, what a terrible situation. But in a way, it is good you saw this side of him after 3 weeks. Anyone can be on their best behaviour for three weeks. Now you know that there is a lot more to him--and maybe he isn't that ideal after all. I really think you shouldn't try to get involved with him anymore. He has major issues. I can't believe how stubborn and cruel and disrespectful he was about answering the phone! What a dick.

 

If there is anything you, yourself, could change, I would suggest not using the "Can we talk?" line with a guy after only knowing him for such a short time. If you want to talk, just go over there and start talking. The "Can we talk?" line makes most people freak out.

[leoc1973]

OK here it goes guys point of view. And I am not trying to be a dick here its just my 2 cents.

 

He just got out of a 25 year marriage and you really freaked him out. I have been single for the first time in 18 years. I have been single for a year now. I have dated probably 15ish women. I am not a dog I only slept with 2. Anyways... usually it seems in most cases that women go out looking for love and men look for companionship but accidentally fall in love. Thats why it always seems like after 2 or 3 weeks the woman is so far ahead of the man. I can think of on about 5 or 6 occasions after only dating a girl for a couple weeks that she moved way too fast and it freaks guys out. Not just me but pretty much most men.

 

And ok if a girl gets mad or annoyed with me after 2 weeks it drives me nuts. Like I just met you and you are already scolding me? Huge red flag to me and I usually just stop seeing them.

 

The thing with the phone has happened to me a couple times too. Girl says we need to talk and I am thinking we need to talk? WTF we just went on a few dates. Total turn off!! And he told you he didn't wanna do something but you seemed to keep it up which further turned him off and then You did the absolute worst thing you can possibly do to a guy with the exception of telling him you have an STD. You guilted him. Don't ever ever ever guilt a guy that you just started seeing.

 

You told him something along the lines of don't your feelings matter and all that other stuff. All that would make me wanna do is turn off my phone and watch sports center.

 

Here is my advice. He is a guy. He is not in love with you but he sees you falling for him. He really enjoys your company so he is trying to keep it more of hanging out with you because he is practically begging you to slow down!! He likes sleeping with you and probably loves the conversation and chemistry but he doesn't want an in you face full blown girlfriend yet and you trying to sit him down for "talks" after 3 weeks. JUST STOP!!! He's not being a dick he's being a guy.

 

I am telling you no normal guy goes out with a girl and says I am going to marry her. What happens is a guy likes your company and obviously he likes sleeping with you and after a certain amount of time the little hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he realizes he's in love but its not by design its by accident.

 

Go out with this guy and have a good time and slow way down! Play a little hard to get not too much but a little and do not I repeat do not have any "talks" with him and you are not allowed to get mad at him or guilt him either. Save that for later when your married. Have some beers and sex with this guy and just be fun and cool and I guarantee he falls in love with you!

 

Again I am not telling you any of this to be a jerk but you are moving way too fast and sharing way too many feelings and emotions with this guy way too fast. Especially since he just got out of a 25 year marriage! Dating is supposed to be fun so just let it be!

[radrluv72]

Actuallly Leo...I don't consider any of this to be bad advice at all. And I don't think you're trying to be a dick either...actually, a man's perspective, especially one who's in a similar situation is really what's needed here.

 

Honestly, freaking him out was the last thing I wanted to do, but it happened anyways. And the whole "we need to talk" thing...well, of course I found out what a bad idea it was to even say that after the fact. Lesson learned, of course...

 

I think that you've pretty much hit the nail on the head as far as how to treat the aftermath of what's happened...I do need to make myself less available to him & chill out. I admit that I have a tendency to take myself too seriously at times, and that was part of why I turned out to be so crazy about him...he has this ability to totally dial me down like no one's ever done before, and I don't get how he does it.

 

I guess I never really got how that he was still trying to get past the pain of his divorce, and now that we had this talk 2 nights ago, I finally do. I can't ignore the connection that we made with eachother, but the last thing I want to do is send him running. He's got a lot to figure out right now, and all I can do is proceed with my own life while he figures things out.

 

In the meantime...I'm actually set to meet a new guy for drinks Friday night. I sent him a text earlier tonight telling him "hey, I'm halfway to the goal you set for me...meeting someone for drinks Friday night. No f*cking. Lol..."...haven't heard back, but I wasn't exactly expecting a response because I knew he was super busy this week with work.

 

I just still don't know about this whole statement of his to not have sex with anyone else right now, but if it happened between us he wouldn't stop it...yes, we have fun together, we enjoy eachother's company, the sex was fantastic...but I don't think he should even suggest picking & choosing what parts of me that he wants & doesn't want. I would never give him an ultimatum, but I would think that sleeping with him would kind of throw a kink in my being less available to him. I don't know if he's one of those guys that only wants what he can't have, but what I do know is that he does want me around in some capacity, otherwise he wouldn't have asked for some time before he saw me again. I also am curious to see if he'll say anything at all about the fact that I already have a date with someone new set up so quickly...he might not care, or he might be a little shocked.

 

More to come, more than likely. But thank you so much for the advice.

[jphcbpa]

Frankly, you sound a bit needy from a 3 week relationship

[Million.to.1]

I think you should just accept that you are both in different places and want different things from a "relationship" right now.

 

Neither of you are right or wrong. He told you how he wants things to be... if that doesn't suit you, then don't do it. There is no need to explain or analyze anything anymore, to him, or to yourself. It will just do your head in.

 

If by giving him your energy (time, affection, company, thoughts ) prevents you from finding happiness and the things you want (a partner, a proper relationship) then politely decline invitations from him without explaination and try and dismiss dwelling on or analyzing the past or any future communication.

 

Hopefully you will have better things to do than be a fill in girl between his last big love and his next.

[radrluv72]

Frankly, you sound a bit needy from a 3 week relationship

 

I disagree with that. If I was that needy, I never would have tried to talk to him the first place about what was going on with me so I could make the decision if was a good idea to continue the relationship or not. We had agreed from the very beginning to take things slow, and that was before we even started dating. Unfortunately, the chemistry between us in a dating situation was instantaneous...when you click, you click. But the bottom line is that despite that, he's just not ready. There's a world of hurt going on with him that I don't think he wants to elaborate on, and I don't blame him. If I was needy, I wouldn't be recognizing that at all & would just continue to be selfish.

[radrluv72]

I think you should just accept that you are both in different places and want different things from a "relationship" right now.

 

Neither of you are right or wrong. He told you how he wants things to be... if that doesn't suit you, then don't do it. There is no need to explain or analyze anything anymore, to him, or to yourself. It will just do your head in.

 

If by giving him your energy (time, affection, company, thoughts ) prevents you from finding happiness and the things you want (a partner, a proper relationship) then politely decline invitations from him without explaination and try and dismiss dwelling on or analyzing the past or any future communication.

 

Hopefully you will have better things to do than be a fill in girl between his last big love and his next.

 

I don't have any choice to but accept it. The more I thought about after I posted about the conversation that I had with him after Monday night, and after the advice Leo gave, I finally realized that even though I thought I understood what he was going through, I really didn't get it at all. I realized that it's not that he doesn't want me because we don't mesh...it's that he simply just can't do it right now. The man's life is such a painful mess underneath, while on the outside he looks like he's doing okay. Like I said...I've never been married. So for a 46 year old man to be ejected from a 25-year relationship after two kids and a home...I don't know, I don't think after a year I'd be done with it either. Whatever happened between him & his ex-wife must have left him extremely broken. And that makes me feel so sad for him.

 

I don't think either one of us are right or wrong either, and I appreciate you saying that because there's no better way to put it. Yes, it hurts because based on how close we became in such a short amount of time, this guy is right up my alley. I think the same might have been for him as well, because right before we started dating he told me that he was pursuing me because of the connection he already felt to me, and normally if it's not there from the start, he doesn't bother with it. Yes, he's guy, but I agree with Leo...I think for him right now, it's about companionship. I don't think it's necessarily that whole sleazy "friends with benefits" thing, because that's a crock. If he really didn't care at all, he never would have bothered to have the talk that we did the other night...he very well could have easily just stayed gone, and I would have wound up hating him. Since we still haven't seen eachother yet since we had this talk, I don't know how he'll act when we finally do get together. I'm supposed to call him next week to go out for drinks.

 

It's a conflict for me as I think about the situation throughout the day, namely because I'm not friends with any of my exes save for one...and frankly all he is, is a Facebook friend that occassionly trades comments with me, so calling him a friend is probably a stretch. My brain tells me that I need to chill out, have fun, and maintain a little distance to give him the space & time that he needs & just be his friend. But my heart feels like a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum screaming "I want". I want my brain to win out on this one...like I commented above, I really do realize that I was being selfish about the way I felt, and really never grasped where he was at all. But he refuses to let me apologize for any of it. Not because he's angry, but because he wants all the blame. I have a hard time with that, because he can't help what he's going through either.

 

I will say though, he's not commented on the fact that I had texted him last night about my upcoming date tomorrow night. Maybe this is just a woman's way of thinking, but I would initially think that if we're really going to be friends, he would have replied, "so who is he"? But he's said nothing. It kind of makes me wonder if it goes back to the fact that he asked for some time before he saw me again, and maybe if he really doesn't want to know about it. If there's one thing that I've learned about him, he doesn't deal with anything that feels negative & immeadiately shuts it off. So maybe even letting him know was a dumb thing to do.

 

I will say about the "fill in" girl comment...he did make quite clear to me that he did not want me to be some type of rebound relationship for him and that he was trying to be sensitive towards how I felt, and I think he's still trying to do that. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt that their intentions are good, but I know I need to back off of him. I want to keep him around, not have him running any further. I do very much want to move forward & see how this newfound friendship works out...I can't predict what'll happen at this point...kind of alien territory for me.

 

Thanks so much for the input.

[radrluv72]

So, I think I've managed to give myself the "hold on just a second" talk on this whole matter.

 

Where things are at now...well, I cancelled my date with the new guy last Friday morning. Not because of this siutation, but because I woke up that morning not feeling so great. The reply I got back when I cancelled that morning was "I could have been the one"...oh, really? If guilt tripping me out because I have a legit reason for cancelling a date is the norm, I don't think I'll be revisiting that matter again. Anyways...

 

I spent the day with my best friend yesterday, getting her caught up on the details of the conversation that I had with my "ex" last Monday night. I've been trying to do my best to respect his request for some time, but it hasn't been easy. As you all know, I had mentioned earlier in the post this post that I texted my ex that I had a date set up this Friday and he didn't reply back. As it follows, I sent him a quick text Thursday night to say hello...no reply...and then I sent him a small e-mail on Friday afternoon that let him know that after a few days to absorb things, I was genuinely good after the talk we had on Monday night. I got verification that the e-mail was read & not deleted, but he's not replied to that either.

 

My best friend seems to think--even though it's not got me uspet or anything, she's just offering her opinion--that he reason he's not been responding to me is just going back to his request for needing some time. She said that he probably didn't care to know that I already had a date set up with someone else even though he offered to be friends. I tend to agree...I would tend to think that if we were truly "friends", he would have replied, "so who is this guy?" in a joking manner. But he said nothing.

 

She also seems to think that instead of my calling him next week to go out for drinks, as he said to do after this week was over, that I should leave it alone & let him call me instead. At first, I was against it because I miss him, I miss his face & I think seeing eachother for the first time in a few weeks would actually put some closure on what happened before & get on with that new clean slate. But now I'm not so sure.

 

I'm not going to lie...I want to keep this guy in my life. But I need to be smart. While I'm starting to talk to other men and pull myself away from him a little bit in the emotional sense, I'm starting to think that my calling him for drinks this next week is a bad idea. I think that he needs to call me. He's the one that needed time, not me. I don't have any questions about what I want, and it's him. So why should I go chasing someone down for a few drinks who has no idea what he wants? That makes me look like a fool, and just pushes him further away. And that's not what I want. If he comes back & wants to try again with our new "clean slate", then I want it to be because he wants to. Not because I bugged him to do it.

 

So I suppose that's my new resolve...if I want to him to come back, I need to leave him be, and really respect his request for time...no more texts or e-mails, period. Even if it's just to say hello. Inbetween the time that we first split and the talk we had Monday night, we never said a word to eachother...I don't know if he missed me or not, even though he says he did...but I need to give him a chance to really miss me. He knows that things were good and said that I treated him well. I can see from my e-mail outbox that we normally message eachother from that's he's not deleted any of the e-mails that I sent when I made the decision to attempt to reconcile last week, save for one...and that was one the where I said how sorry I was for acting the way that I did during our fight. He deleted it after our talk last Monday night, when he refused to let me take the blame for anything...anything else that I sent before or after that talk, he's kept. So maybe, some quiet time with going back & reading my prior e-mails with not a peep from me is what's needed here.

 

Would anyone else agree that this is the way to go? My gut is really telling me yes, especially since I feel so strongly that this is worth a second chance...he's never going to start to miss me if I'm so available to him. And I'm not even going to touch the subject of sleeping with him again if he does call on his own. One thing at a time, shall we?

[jennisfora]

i think you are putting a lot of thought and analysis over a relationship that only lasted three weeks, if a man needs space, you don't contact him. let him alone, and if he wants to talk to you, he will call you.

[radrluv72]

i think you are putting a lot of thought and analysis over a relationship that only lasted three weeks, if a man needs space, you don't contact him. let him alone, and if he wants to talk to you, he will call you.

 

Well, I definitely won't disagree with the analysis part...I have a naturally analytical personality. But as far as the time goes, I think time in itself really doesn't matter based on what actually happened as far as connecting as people. And we definitely connected. It was the mutual connection that we felt when we started talking that got us to dating in the first place.

 

What I'm doing is airing my thought process as this has been happening, namely because this somewhat of a new situation for me. Most men that I date, even it's one date or months of dating, when the breakup occurs there's no talk or friendship...or rather, any talk at all. My best friend seems to think that even if we hadn't talked last Monday night he probably would have eventually called me, but I'm glad that I didn't wait to find out. And I'm glad that I now have a better understanding of what he's going through on a personal level. But I feel bad right now because I should be doing a better job of respecting his wish for some time. So even though he said to call him this week about going out for drinks, I'm just hesitant to do so, even if I want to see him. He's already expecting me to call...I'm just wondering if deliberately not doing so would throw him off a bit & get him wondering why I'm not.

 

Wow, now that I just said that, does that make me sound like I'm screwing with him? Cripes...

[Melbufama]

Some people have social axiety, especially 3 weeks of dating, he is just not comfortable in sharing hes thoughts through the phone. I a huge talker but I also dislike talking on the phone unless its for a purpose. For chit chating I rather do it in person then on the phone.

 

Also your way to demanding on the first 3 weeks, stop trying to be dominating have things your way. It just go with the flow and calmly figure him out. Also I believe its pretty much game over for you in regards to this guy.

[radrluv72]

Well, here's an update...I think I have finally managed to sever whatever ties I had left with this man, namely for my own good. I did it last night, and frankly, felt so empowered again after I did it. I'll explain:

 

So after Friday, I didn't try to contact this guy for a couple days. But I was still struggling with the question of whether to call him for drinks this week or not, like he said to do. I had really believed in his request for time before he saw me again, and initially I thought nothing about the fact that he hadn't responded to mt two texts & one e-mail. But after talking to a few other people about the situation, the one reoccuring theme in their responses was "why is he getting to control the whole situation? Why should you be calling him?"

 

...Fair questions. And also valid questions.

 

I started thinking more about the talk we'd had last week. I started thinking about he told me that when we were trying to make plans for the following weekend after the last time we saw eachother, I knew I was going to be too busy to see him so I just suggested that he go hang with his friends that weekend, because he's also dropped a joke last time we went out about needing some "man time". According to him, he said that he took that suggestion as a hint that I wanted a commitment. And I thought to myself, how does a guy get that out of that? That's asinine. I made the suggestion because when I go out with the man, he wears me the hell out. And I was so busy that weekend, I knew that I couldn't handle him. So I made the suggestion that he go do whatever he does with his buddies. And I didn't recall making the suggestion by telling him that he needs to be ready to move in together the next time we saw eachother. As a matter of fact, when he told me this, I said to him quite flippantly, "well, damn I guess I gotta take the ring back, huh".

 

And then I thought about the rest of our conversation. I thought about how in the hour that we talked, he barely let me get a word in edgewise, and at this point, I'm pretty sure it was intentional. One thing that I learned very early about this man, was that he will deflect, avoid, and choose not to deal with anything remotely negative or that may have an adult tone to it. I started to think about smoothly he gave me the "I don't know what I want" speech, like he's said it a million times before. I also thought anout how many girls he's dated since his divorce, yet no actual girlfriend since then. I thought about how quickly this guy went after me, caught me, and then came up with this rediculous idea that my telling to go out with his friends was an indicator that I wanted a commitment, and then chose to start drifting away from what was going on between us. And the conclusion that I came to was this: you can sugarcoat bull**** as much as you want, but it's still bull****. And this guy was FULL of it.

 

Am I saying that I'm retracting what I said earlier about the possibility of his being still in the throes of pain from his divorce? Absolutely not. I still believe whole-heartedly that it's the base of why he freaked on me like he did. People react to bad situations in different ways, and how they react to those situations is very telling of what's going on at a deeper level. Me, I'm a thinker. I analyze, tear it apart, build it back up again...sometimes make myself a little nuts in the process and make myself miserable. This guy? Deny, deny, DENY. I think that I've been dealing with a man who's maybe just not mourning the loss of his former life and feels more sorry for himself than maybe he should be. Someone who's of the mindset that sinced they've been hurt, that entitles them to act foolishly & constantly burn down the bridges that they were so quick to build. Well...I'd had enough. Just because I'd agreed to be try to be friends with this guy, didn't mean that he was entitled to dominate the situation and call the shots just because he knew that I was jacked up over him and maybe was feeling a little smug in knowing that I wanted him back so badly. The ego was having a high old time at my expense, but part of that was my own fault.

 

So yesterday, I tried texting him, asking if he was busy. No response. I tried again an hour later, and still nothing. So after I got off work, I called him. I left him a message saying that I was calling him like he'd said to do, so to please call me back so we could talk about having drinks that week. I knew damn well that he wasn't going to answer, but I just wanted to be sure before I pulled the plug on all of this. After a few hours, I'd still heard nothing.

 

So I sat down & popped him off an e-mail. Not emotional, but very matter of fact, saying exactly how I felt in logical terms. I told him that I wasn't surpised that he hadn't responded to any of my messages, and that it had pretty much become predictable at this point. I told him that even though we had agreed to be friends & have a clean slate, that my gut was telling me that he really didn't believe it. I hated to think he would just tell me something to pacify me, but who knows. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with the fact that he had me in the awkward postion of allowing him to dominate the control of what happened between us just because I got jacked up over him. I also said that I didn't get this whole thing of telling me that he wouldn't stop any potential future sexual encounters we could have together, but he tells me to go out & date but not sleep with anyone? Last time I checked, he had let me go & didn't want to try thing again, so why would he even care about my sleeping with someone new?

 

I went on further to say that based on the conversation we'd had the previous week, it was becoming apparent to me that perhaps this whole "I don't know what I want" thing was a fall-back excuse he gotten used to using to avoid becoming emotionally entangled with me or anyone else since his divorce. It just came out way too easy. I'd had crap things happen to me in my life too, but I don't use those things as excuses to demean people who may genuinely care about me. I also said something about the whole boy's weekend suggestion, and that how in the world he took that as a hint for commitment was beyond me...opnly maybe that he'd twisted it enough in his own mind to create a valid excuse to start separating from me.

 

I told him that I was sorry for what he'd been through because it was awful, but it was all a question of how one deals with the things that have been handed to you. And in his case, all I was seeing was someone who was using people & tossing them aside based on some sort of over-inflated sense of entitlement to do so because he'd been hurt. I flat out said, "get over it". I'd never asked a thing of in the time we spent together, and for whatever reason, whatever was scaring him wasn't me, it was whatever was in his own head. I reminded him of the first time we were supposed to meet...and you know what? He stood me up that day. When I finally coaxed it out of him as to why, he admitted that he had freaked out. He'd asked for my forvgiveness and I gave it to him, but I honestly don't believe that whatever freaked him out about the idea of me ever really went away.

 

So I ended it with telling him that if he wanted his time, to go ahead & take it, but maybe he needed to spend some of it really thinking about what he just turned his nose up at. I didn't care if it was 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 days, this was a good thing, and at least I could say that I tried. And then I finished it by saying, "you are full of utter crap".

 

Considering all the confusion that I'd been going through since this whole thing blew up, I felt really good about this last message to him. Did he reply back? Oh, of course not. Do I think he will? of course not. Do I think I got to him? Frankly, I could care less. But the mere idea that I even allowed myself to let this man take control of the situation between us just because I wanted him back so badly, I ought to kick my own ass for. I had handed him the reins, and he knew it. In hindsight, if he didn't have any vindictiveness in him, I think he honestly would have followed through with our agreement to be friends. I know that whatever is driving him to act like he's been doing doesn't have anything to do with me, but I got indirectly drug into it. I still think he's not a bad guy...there really is a good guy in there. But the baggage that's he carrying around with him, I think it a lot bigger than I thought.

 

In the meantime, I'm meeting someone new for coffee next Saturday. I like the guy and I'm real excited about meeting him. If I ever hear from this "ex" again, it probably won't be for a real long time, or until his behavior gets him into some major trouble. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm just moving on.

[xpaperxcutx]

OMG can yhou not tell how smothering you can get? You backed the guy into a cornerand continued to pester him.

Men can disappear for a number of reasons one in particular being that they need space to reevaluate the relationships they,re in. Yet, instead of letting him fdigure out his feelings for you ypester him incedssantly be it texts calls or emails. You don't realize it but you did drive him away with your psychotic behavior.

And all this talk about control.. truly you didn't win anything instead you shown him the extent you'd go to to contact him. That's not control that's desperation.

[radrluv72]

OMG can yhou not tell how smothering you can get? You backed the guy into a cornerand continued to pester him.

Men can disappear for a number of reasons one in particular being that they need space to reevaluate the relationships they,re in. Yet, instead of letting him fdigure out his feelings for you ypester him incedssantly be it texts calls or emails. You don't realize it but you did drive him away with your psychotic behavior.

And all this talk about control.. truly you didn't win anything instead you shown him the extent you'd go to to contact him. That's not control that's desperation.

 

Sorry, but that's total bull. And I'm just sorry that I didn't see any of it sooner. Only reason that I didn't was because I thought I had actually done something wrong. The fact that this guy refused to let me apologize for anything that even happened was probably about the only redeeming thing that he did.

 

I don't believe, especially at this point, that he ever really intended to follow through on us being "friends". I believe that total separation was his goal because that what he's used to doing. And that's fine. And there's absolutely nothing psychotic about my behavior. Someone pulling "I want a commitment" out of "go hang out with your friends Saturday night"...if I'm psychotic, what do you call that?

 

Maybe he did start to care a little bit, which could explain why he freaked, fished for an excuse and started to bail. I don't know. But I would hardly call my bahavior as smothering. I didn't call him or text him every waking hour, I didn't drive by his house, go through his garbage, hack his e-mail, rape his friends list on Facebook...I got nothing but mixed, contradictive messages. I've been nothing but confused for the past few weeks, and what happened last night was my moment of clarity. I haven't felt this good since before this whole thing blew up a few weeks ago.

 

Take it easy with the labels there, pal.

[xpaperxcutx]

Maybe you don't see it but continuosly contacting him is "psychotic" especially when its the same result over and over again.if you were aware he was bull****ting you and backing away you do not harass him into staying you let him go. Yor need to analyze every minute detailis what drove you to over obsess and overthink.like yourfinale text/phone call/email to him.... why did you feel a need to make it drawn out? Why do you feel a need to overexplain yourself? In his eyes that does make you come across as desperate even if your intention was far from it.

Also when a guy says he wants to be friends after being intimate with you. You ditch him.

[radrluv72]

Maybe you don't see it but continuosly contacting him is "psychotic" especially when its the same result over and over again.if you were aware he was bull****ting you and backing away you do not harass him into staying you let him go. Yor need to analyze every minute detailis what drove you to over obsess and overthink.like yourfinale text/phone call/email to him.... why did you feel a need to make it drawn out? Why do you feel a need to overexplain yourself? In his eyes that does make you come across as desperate even if your intention was far from it.

Also when a guy says he wants to be friends after being intimate with you. You ditch him.

 

I'm aware of the behavior that you're talking about, but that's not at all what I did...for from it. Maybe you should talke the time to read the thread in it's entirety, back from when I first posted a couple of weeks ago. Just because someone says that they texted their ex & didn't get a response back, doesn't mean that they sat there & texted their ex every hour of every day. Don't oversimplify what happened here. It's not so much that I think he was bull****ting me, the point was is that maybe he actually started to give a crap, freaked & made up a rediculous excuse to back away from me. Could be the backlash from being hurt over his divorce, or maybe not. But the bottom line is that I'm not going to stick around to find out. He doesn't get to pick & choose what parts of me he wants just to make the whole situation comfortable for him. If he really didn't give a damn, he never would have had the talk that we did over a week ago, he just would have ignored everything. I'm not so egotistical that I think that maybe whatever I said in my last communication to him would have made any kind of difference just because it's me...I could care less. But I got out what I was really thinking, how I really felt, and I'm not sorry I did it. You seem to be missing the point that what I did here was abandon any small hope of a reconciliation so I could stop feeling miserable & like I was walking around eggshells with this guy.

 

And BTW, there appear to be varying opinions on that whole "friends" thing...read Leo's post in the thread. It's not impossible to be friends with your ex. It's just a question if both of you really mean it.