Can someone tell me if I my boyfriend is narcisstic ?

April 16, 2012

Help. Been seeing my bf for over a year. Something not right, but just can't put my finger on it. He comes out with hurtful, insensitive comments and thinks he's being funny. Had a pregnancy scare few months back ( he said he didn't want to know - but putting it down to shock). He was married a few years ago, for less than a year. Said she was too immature and that he knew he didn't want to marry her etc but felt pressured into it. I really feel that he doesn't respect me. He doesn't like any of my friends, doesn't seem to have any friends of his own and seems to think he's super intelligent. I feel that he's constantly criticising / putting me down ( I sometimes feel like the enemy) and my self esteem is rock bottom. Have put on loads of weight in the year and when I tried to end it earlier on, he would not have any of it. Very confusing behaviour and does my head in. Initially thought it could have been autism, but I looked up codependency and came across narcissm. Not sure about his childhood, but think he was neglected / beaten atleast once by his father. I feel that I can never do anything right and he just can't seem to see my love / kindness / affection. I'm rapidly losing patience as well as my mind. Positives - can be sweet at times, cooks for me etc - but is this enough? We're both just over 40, so surely one would know by this stage if it was heading long term?

April 17, 2012

You're so busy analyzing his behavior and conforming to him that you're forgetting to ask yourself what the hell is wrong with you for wanting to remain in such a relationship. You may never find the answers as to why he behaves this way and he will possibly be this way indefinitely. Maybe it's time to start looking at yourself.

You tried to leave but he wouldn't have it. What part of you wanting to leave was your decision and one that you should have stood by? Does he tell you when to stand and sit? You leave because you realize the situation will never change and you want more and not leave because you hope he'll come to his senses. That is why you go back and when he refutes. Leaving is an empty threat and not a decision based on a true need to want to leave, painful or not.

Should he know by now whether he wants long term? That's the least of your problems. You're in the tank now. What will become of YOU in the long term?

Edited April 17, 2012 by Zahara

April 17, 2012

Hello Dingbat,

I just dated a Narcissist. I was with him for 1.5 years.

Was your guy really charming in the beginning? Did he lavish you with attention and responded to all of your needs? Were you the center of his universe? Did he tell you all of his plans for your future, all of his dreams? He has built up an illusion. And, with time, reality comes crashing in.

They need constant love and affection. They want you to treat them as their #1. Narcissists also have a problem with empathy. They think they are better than anybody else. Another sign is impulsive spending, not having the money they claim to have. Narcissism is definitely a disorder. One that can be treated. But, they have to be willing to seek the help. "N" people can even be physically and verbally abusive such as mine was. He had jealousy issues, didn't want me going anywhere with my friends/family without starting an argument. Blaming everything on me. They can be cheaters too. They move quick in relationships. And, with an "N" you can easily be disposed of and replaced. They go from victim to victim. They crave constant admiration and attention. They have little or no regard to your feelings.

Some cases of narcissism are less pathological than others. And, if he is willing to change, he is possibly on the lesser side. But, if you are experiencing any sort of abuse, he is making you feel bad, then perhaps it is time to think about what you really want. Because it gets bad in these relationships.

Here is a link from the DSR which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Lots of information out there on this topic. Take care of yourself.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

April 17, 2012

Sounds like he is more controlling then narcissistic. Or a combination of the two. You said you tried to end it, what made you decide to stay? Did he try to convince you?

April 17, 2012

Yes, he is quite controlling too. I stayed because it seemed that he would change. Kept thinking it might have been me, but the whole thing has turned into a bit of head fxxx for me. Still civil and don't know if he's fully aware what I'm feeling.

Wildhorses - yes, in the beginning, he seemed really into me, calling me all the time etc. He's back at work now, so that's keeping him busy and perhaps he is also thinking that it's not working etc as he doesn't seem to call as much. He wanted to get married this time last year, ive been holding back due to my fears and he seems quite indifferent about it now. He's not a spendthrift at all, the opposite in fact.

Zahara - easier said than done to not analyse and wonder how it's all gone pear shaped. But you have a point. I guess I need to make sense and understand.

April 17, 2012

Hi Dingbat,

Why did you give yourself a name like that?

He might have narcississtic traits. I don't know if he actually has Narcissitic Personality Disorder, but he might have strong traits. If it's to the point where you are wondering and wondering, it might be time to get out. I pondered and pondered as to whether my ex (at the time, my bf) was emotionally abusive. I couldn't figure it out at the time. Now I know he is, but at the time I could not figure it out. That influenced me to stay. I did not know at the time that the mere fact that I had to think and and try to figure out if he was abusive was enough of a red flag that I should have been gone. I ended up suffereing blatant psychological and emotional abuse. And according to him, if he could, he would do it all over again. Nice, huh?

He wouldn't let you leave him? That's scary. Get out now. If you are afraid to get out, call a domestic hotline number in your country.

April 17, 2012

Hi CopingGal

Thanks for your Msge. I just saw somebody else using dingbat as a username on a property forum that I'm on. Not sure what it means. Yes, at first I thought it was emotional abuse. I bought a book on it and it gave me some insight at the time. Maybe I need to read it again. What sort of emotional abuse were you getting? Mine is little comments about my weight ( particularly about that actually, as I've put on 1-2 stones in the last year or so being with him), he also makes digs about my friends and goes a bit quiet / moody if I'm meeting with them. He also went through my phone the other day and found some messages that he didn't like ( my complaining about him to a make friend). But now he seems to be ok but I seem to have built a massive wall around me. I was semi friends with him before we got together and I wouldn't mind remaining so, but that may not be easy. I'm just not sure why I'm finding it so tough to make the actual break. What's wrong with me?! I seem to be losing contact with 1-2 friends who were pretty close a year ago...

April 17, 2012

Don't stay with a guy who treats you badly. Life is too short to waste on men like that. It's not worth it. I could post the diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the link posted in this thread previously pretty much sums it up. Doesn't sound like he fits that criteria, but is more likely an emotionally abusive guy with feelings of inferiority, and that causes him to have this need to put you down and this need for him to feel one up on you. You should buy the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You will see the pattern that your bf exhibits in there. But better yet, just dump the guy. No reason to stay with someone who treats you badly. It's typical of abusers to blow up and abuse, and then go through a period of being exceptionally nice to try to win you back, until their pent up negative feelings cause them to blow up again at you. They continue the cycle of abuse and remorse continually, but eventually, with many of these people, the abuse gets worse or more frequent as time goes by. You need to have enough respect for yourself to decide that you won't allow yourself to be treated this way, and leave. It's not going to get better, unless he gets long term professional counseling. You are not married to the man--you can easily leave him.

April 17, 2012

My ex husband was the same way. I stayed with him 8 years. I should have never married him or stayed. He did everything your bf does. It isn't worth it. A little of you dies everytime he puts you down and makes you feel like dirt.

You can't make the break, because he has put you down so much you don't feel you can do it. I was the same way.

You can do it. You can leave. It only gets worse the longer you stay.

April 17, 2012

Thank you both / all. KathyM - I will google that bOok and try and get hold of it. Wow04- how did you make the break? Did you need counselling to do it? Well, I just had a conversation with my bf on the phone. Explained to him that he doesn't treat me right / well, when was the last time he paid me a compliment etc and how I dont like his disrespectful comments extending to my parents too. He was also putting me down loads saying I'm not capable of x, y,z , I'm too messy etc etc. I expressed concern about our relationship and he then asked if I want to get married?! I said that after this weekend, I would like some space from him. Some time to myself and that he should also take the time as he may find somebody who CAN do all these things that he thinks I can't. For example, I said I want a baby - he said that I don't have room in my life for a baby, that my friends are all losers etc. He said that I have a point in what I'm saying re space may give us both the clarity. I just hope I can get through and become stronger. I told him that I do not like being so emotionally dependent on him ( but he said that it's fine) and that I want my identity back. Easier said than done to walk, but I can do it. Think it's partly fear of being alone.... Partly that he could have been my last chance for a baby ( miscarried last year, probably partly from the stress of his reaction to it). Oh dear, I'm such a sadcase!

April 18, 2012

Thank you both / all. KathyM - I will google that bOok and try and get hold of it. Wow04- how did you make the break? Did you need counselling to do it? Well, I just had a conversation with my bf on the phone. Explained to him that he doesn't treat me right / well, when was the last time he paid me a compliment etc and how I dont like his disrespectful comments extending to my parents too. He was also putting me down loads saying I'm not capable of x, y,z , I'm too messy etc etc. I expressed concern about our relationship and he then asked if I want to get married?! I said that after this weekend, I would like some space from him. Some time to myself and that he should also take the time as he may find somebody who CAN do all these things that he thinks I can't. For example, I said I want a baby - he said that I don't have room in my life for a baby, that my friends are all losers etc. He said that I have a point in what I'm saying re space may give us both the clarity. I just hope I can get through and become stronger. I told him that I do not like being so emotionally dependent on him ( but he said that it's fine) and that I want my identity back. Easier said than done to walk, but I can do it. Think it's partly fear of being alone.... Partly that he could have been my last chance for a baby ( miscarried last year, probably partly from the stress of his reaction to it). Oh dear, I'm such a sadcase!

I did break away. It took me 8 years, but I did it. I didn't do it with counseling, because I had a lot of family support. My ex put it all on me also. It was always something about me. It could never be anything he had done wrong. His famous saying (when I would express concerns or how I was feeling) "That would be a (my name) problem, not a (his name) problem"

It isn't going to be easy, but it is so worth it. I do have to deal with him because we have 3 kids together. When ever he starts the put downs or bringing up the past I quickly change the subject back to the kids. It would be so much easier if I could go NC, but that isn't possible.

April 18, 2012

What is NC?

Wow, 3 kids? So it must have been good at the start? Or did you always have a feeling about it? And was he ok about you breaking away/ did he try to resist it

April 18, 2012

What is NC?
Wow, 3 kids? So it must have been good at the start? Or did you always have a feeling about it? And was he ok about you breaking away/ did he try to resist it

NC is no contact.

It wasn't the greatest to start with, but I thought it would get better. Wrong!! Dont' get me wrong, he was a great provider. We had a really nice house and all that. But, it wasn't worth staying. He had me convinced that I couldn't make it without him. I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He always said that I would never be able to raise 4 kids on my own. Wrong!! I am doing a good job at it now.

He was not ok with me breaking away. It was a nasty and horrible divorce. He faught everything, except the kids. He lied in court. Eventually the judge seen what kind of person he was and it all worked out.

He still makes comments about me to mutual people that we know. I don't care anymore. I am finally happy and love myself.

April 18, 2012

I'll tell you, if he is a narcissist and you stay with him your life will become a living hell. It will only get worse. Much worse.

He is showing you who he is so please, do yourself a favour and believe him.

And no, the cooking, being sweet at times, is not enough.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Lois

April 18, 2012

Ok so it just wasn't enough then wow04, that he was a good provider / you have kids together etc. I just don't know if its narcissm lois. Anyway, I've ordered 2 books on emotional, one of them being the one by Patricia Evans that KathyM refers to in this thread. Thing is, I spoke to him this eve and he seems so normal again. Probably cos I haven't seen him for over a week.

April 18, 2012

Ok so it just wasn't enough then wow04, that he was a good provider / you have kids together etc. I just don't know if its narcissm lois. Anyway, I've ordered 2 books on emotional, one of them being the one by Patricia Evans that KathyM refers to in this thread. Thing is, I spoke to him this eve and he seems so normal again. Probably cos I haven't seen him for over a week.

He appears to have strong narcissistic traits, and him seeming "so normal again" is exactly what a narc. would do. He's behaving himself because he fears he may lose you. Narcs can be the most charming people to be around when they want to be, when it suits them, but the flipside of that is vicious, soul-destroying and manipulative, amongst other things ... and no amount of books, love, understanding and effort on your part will make a blind bit of difference. Believe me, I tried for 12 years.

I'm scared for you.

April 19, 2012

He appears to have strong narcissistic traits, and him seeming "so normal again" is exactly what a narc. would do. He's behaving himself because he fears he may lose you. Narcs can be the most charming people to be around when they want to be, when it suits them, but the flipside of that is vicious, soul-destroying and manipulative, amongst other things ... and no amount of books, love, understanding and effort on your part will make a blind bit of difference. Believe me, I tried for 12 years.

I'm scared for you.

So, is it totally over for you and how easy was the break? Do you still ever wonder whether you could have done anything to make it work? 12 years is such a long time. Did he ever get physically violent? I dont think mine would ever do that, but the verbal abuse has sometimes been really extreme and the worst thing is that I think he's oblivious to what he says. Sometimes when I've mentioned what he's said, he's completely in denial / unaware. He's really OCD about keeping his place clean. I stayed with him for a few months and had to endure lots of rules eg no eating on sofa, no walking around house in socks, shoes or barefoot ( have to wear slippers), minimal flushing to save water(?)... I really felt I had to tiptoe around him alot. I was so involved in it ( and still am to an extent) that I couldn't see the wood for the trees, yet my friends were all beginning to say it's not normal. I know I'm a messy cow, and I try, but I can't make sense of it all.

April 19, 2012

So, is it totally over for you and how easy was the break? Do you still ever wonder whether you could have done anything to make it work? 12 years is such a long time. Did he ever get physically violent? I dont think mine would ever do that, but the verbal abuse has sometimes been really extreme and the worst thing is that I think he's oblivious to what he says. Sometimes when I've mentioned what he's said, he's completely in denial / unaware. He's really OCD about keeping his place clean. I stayed with him for a few months and had to endure lots of rules eg no eating on sofa, no walking around house in socks, shoes or barefoot ( have to wear slippers), minimal flushing to save water(?)... I really felt I had to tiptoe around him alot. I was so involved in it ( and still am to an extent) that I couldn't see the wood for the trees, yet my friends were all beginning to say it's not normal. I know I'm a messy cow, and I try, but I can't make sense of it all.

Mine never got physically violent. He was also OCD. You couldn't touch the walls, couldn't sit on the furniture (had to sit on the floor), had to vacuum a certain way everyday, and so much more. He also denied when I would tell him what he had said. It is a cycle. It only gets worse, it doesn't get better.

April 19, 2012

Mine never got physically violent. He was also OCD. You couldn't touch the walls, couldn't sit on the furniture (had to sit on the floor), had to vacuum a certain way everyday, and so much more. He also denied when I would tell him what he had said. It is a cycle. It only gets worse, it doesn't get better.

Omg- why/ how did you put up with it for so long. Did you think he would change? And the 'so much more...' that he did, was it much worse? Did he try and stop you from seeing friends and family and did he have any friends of his own? Also, was he actually diagnosed as narcisstic and was he willing to seek help to try and make it work? I can't believe yours sounds so similar to mine. I wonder what causes them to become like that.

April 19, 2012

Omg- why/ how did you put up with it for so long. Did you think he would change? And the 'so much more...' that he did, was it much worse? Did he try and stop you from seeing friends and family and did he have any friends of his own? Also, was he actually diagnosed as narcisstic and was he willing to seek help to try and make it work? I can't believe yours sounds so similar to mine. I wonder what causes them to become like that.

At first I thought it was me. I then thought he would change. I did give up all my friends and went to my family's without him. He would never admit he had a problem. I was always told it is a, my name, problem not a, his name, problem.

April 19, 2012

At first I thought it was me. I then thought he would change. I did give up all my friends and went to my family's without him. He would never admit he had a problem. I was always told it is a, my name, problem not a, his name, problem.

Jeez, you're very strong... Thanks for sharing

April 20, 2012

So, is it totally over for you and how easy was the break? Do you still ever wonder whether you could have done anything to make it work? 12 years is such a long time. Did he ever get physically violent? I dont think mine would ever do that, but the verbal abuse has sometimes been really extreme and the worst thing is that I think he's oblivious to what he says. Sometimes when I've mentioned what he's said, he's completely in denial / unaware. He's really OCD about keeping his place clean. I stayed with him for a few months and had to endure lots of rules eg no eating on sofa, no walking around house in socks, shoes or barefoot ( have to wear slippers), minimal flushing to save water(?)... I really felt I had to tiptoe around him alot. I was so involved in it ( and still am to an extent) that I couldn't see the wood for the trees, yet my friends were all beginning to say it's not normal. I know I'm a messy cow, and I try, but I can't make sense of it all.

Oh it's over for sure but breaking free has been very difficult because narcs. hang on ... and I had a child for him - yes, I went that far - so NC is impossible. There is absolutely nothing else I could have done to make it work and of course, now I realise that there never was because you can't please a narcissist no matter what you do.

He pushed me once and I looked him in the eye and told him if he ever put his hands on me again, he would be very sorry. The verbal abuse is as terrible as the physical, in my opinion, because they convince you that the problem is yours and you start to believe them so you try harder and harder, only to "fail" over and over. Don't fall for it.

My advice, for what it's worth :

Don't waste your money buying books in order to help understand him better - like I did. You won't.

Don't think that you can love him out of it either. You can't.

Don't think that if you give up all of your friends he'll be happy. He won't.

Don't think that if you become the tidiest person in the world, he'll be satisfied. He won't.

Ask yourself this question: Do I want to live in a world where I will only be happy if and when he allows it? Cos that's what you'll be signing up for - that and so much more.

And please, don't kid yourself into thinking that your bf doesn't realise what he's saying and doing, he knows exactly what he's doing and he will say exactly what you need to hear in order for him to get what he wants, which is to keep you on the hook. He needs you for his supply.

You may find this helpful: Narcissism - Understanding Narcissism & Abusive Relationships : Melanie Tonia Evans

For your own good, continue being a messy cow and let someone worthy love you.

Edited April 20, 2012 by Lois

April 20, 2012

Dingbat

My best friend is married to a man that I wouldn't say is a full blown narcissist but has what we in Scotland term "wee man syndrome". He is constantly negative and derogatory to her, he makes comments on her weight when her friends are around and he contributes almost nothing to the relationship. My friend has a daughter from another relationship who is now 14, she married "wee man" 8 years ago and they have been together for 10.

He has never been a father to her daughter in any shape or manner and all he ever seems to do is take pleasure in constantly putting her daughter down. My friend is stuck in the middle of them fighting almost daily and her daughter hates him!

He is very good to himself and has a very well paid job and he frequently buys things for himself, new car, massive plasma telly, nice clothes and then I meet up with my friend for lunch and she has no money to be able to afford it as he gives her nothing! He doesn't even contribute to the weekly shop and some weeks my friend and her daughter are on beans on toast, while he is round at a mates having a take away!

I have seen my friend over the last ten years become obsessed by her wight (that's his main area to name call her in). It makes me very sad as she isn't happy at all. She knows that her family cannot stand him and only tolerate him because of he is her husband. As for her friends, there is only one friend who's husband puts up with him that they socialise with. We have been best friends for 13 years and in all that time neither my ex or my current husband can stand him and we never socialise with them as a couple, just her and I and her daughter always.

You have to think to yourself, can you ever see yourself being truly happy with this man? As a previous poster said life is too short to waste it being with a man like yours who is not even coming close to treating you as he should.

It is of course easy for all of us to say to leave him but were not you and we are not in your situation, I think it speaks volumes though that everyone is of the same opinion, you should call it of, your better than that and you deserve to be happy.

Edited April 20, 2012 by hfsn

April 21, 2012

Wow, that's amazing - thank you both so much. Lois - that article is fantastic, a real eye opener. Helps me to understand. I suppose for me, I'm feeling more sorry for him. Some time apart has helped me to assess and his normality over the last few days has made me realise that that pattern is what has been driving me mad in the last year. I feel quite emotionally disconnected from him at times, when he's upset me. Yet, sometimes when he's talked of his childhood, I end up feeling bad and want to just hold him. It's crazy. Perhaps I feel a bit guilty for thinking about turning my back, keep thinking it's not his fault he was neglected and now has this 'condition' etc, but I also know I've got to think about my happiness too. Hfsn - does your friend not want to leave?

April 21, 2012

Dingbat

My friend has tried to leave 5 times now. Every time she is nearly out he pulls the "I promise I will change card" and she falls for it every time. She is simply locked now in a vicious cycle and I am not sure she will ever leave. He is very manipulative even to the point of trying to turn her against her friends by claiming they are jealous of her relationship! I swear he's crazy, although not as crazy as she is for staying!

Good luck Dingbat.

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