SilverLining Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I have been traveling with a guy that I've known for many years. He has always had a crush on me, and after going through many dead end dates and relationships I decided to give him a chance even though he wasn't really my 'type' and I didn't have that much attraction to him. I hoped the attraction would grow. It did grow a bit, but not enough, and I realized that things weren't going to work out. We also had sexual issues too, on his end, so everything just started going downhill. After traveling we stopped in Japan to look for work - I found a job at an international school, and he found a job elsewhere an hour and a half away. I broke up with him two weeks ago, before he found his job, to give him the option of going back home if he wanted to. He decided to stay. I am the only person he really knows here, and I also do not have any friends save coworkers, who are all in relationships and mostly men so its not like they could hang out with me. At the moment I want to meet more people but feel awkward about just dating right away, so I'm putting that on the backburner for a little bit. My issue is that I am not sure if I should go NC with my ex. I care about him a great deal, I respect him, and I feel terrible about the pain he is going through. He wants to stay friends and keep in contact because otherwise he is completely alone, but I think this might be too hard for him after awhile and it will end badly. On the other hand, I wonder if it would be worse to not keep contact and allow him to be completely alone and depressed. He literally has no one here. Can I get any advice on this?
hellodearest Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Any advice I have would just be from the information you've given us. You two know the situation better than anyone else, and maybe you should be upfront about all your feelings and fears etc. Given the situation, new town, etc. it's not like a normal breakup where you can lean back on your friends. That's a tough situation for both of you, and it seems like you two might be each others only support system. It depends on you two if it becomes toxic. Talk it out. Decide from there. Tell him the honest to god truth - everything you told us here. It's better for you to be brutal in letting him know he's not your type, you can't invest into it than for him to wonder what the deal is. 1
Chi townD Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Where are you in Japan? Well, to answer your question. When you do feel like dating again, do you think it's fair to string him along with false hopes? Are you going to lie to him when you're communicating with him that you have to go or else you'll be late for a date? Is that being fair to him? Is that a real friendship? He still has feelings for you. He can never be your friend if he's still haboring those feelings. Don't worry about him. I've been to Japan and there are A LOT of pretty ladies that are fascinated with western men. I doubt he'll be single very long. But, he'll never accept their advances on him if he's holding out on hope that you'll come back. Sorry to be soo blunt. But, it is what it is.
Author SilverLining Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Thanks. I have told him the truth - he has known about not being my type from the beginning, he knows exactly why we have broken up, he knows exactly how I feel on everything. I don't want to hurt him more by leaving him wondering.
Author SilverLining Posted April 16, 2012 Author Posted April 16, 2012 Chi town, he is not interested in Asian girls. He has zero attraction to the general body type, the personality type, the Japanese mentality. Not everyone is into Americans, and not everyone is into Asians. I agree that being friends can prevent him from dating others, but the issue is that he has NEVER dated anyone other than me. He is perfectly capable of just being single forever, and I do NOT want this for him. I would like it if he did eventually date someone. Also, I will end up dating others - maybe not here, as most western men who come here ARE interested in Japanese women. So you are right, it could get really sticky and he will be jealous. Will he be fine if I don't talk to him? Sure, if by fine you mean doing nothing but sitting around in an apt without internet, tv, or anyone to talk to. I think he would end up focusing on his heartbreak to a dangerous level without anything to occupy him. I wonder if it would be better to stay in contact for a bit, until he puts down some roots and meets more friends.
theother Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I think you should be a friend to him but make sure that he knows that's all it is. NC under those circumstances is bordering on cruelty.
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 I have been traveling with a guy that I've known for many years. He has always had a crush on me, and after going through many dead end dates and relationships I decided to give him a chance even though he wasn't really my 'type' and I didn't have that much attraction to him. I hoped the attraction would grow. It did grow a bit, but not enough, and I realized that things weren't going to work out. We also had sexual issues too, on his end, so everything just started going downhill. After traveling we stopped in Japan to look for work - I found a job at an international school, and he found a job elsewhere an hour and a half away. I broke up with him two weeks ago, before he found his job, to give him the option of going back home if he wanted to. He decided to stay. I am the only person he really knows here, and I also do not have any friends save coworkers, who are all in relationships and mostly men so its not like they could hang out with me. At the moment I want to meet more people but feel awkward about just dating right away, so I'm putting that on the backburner for a little bit. My issue is that I am not sure if I should go NC with my ex. I care about him a great deal, I respect him, and I feel terrible about the pain he is going through. He wants to stay friends and keep in contact because otherwise he is completely alone, but I think this might be too hard for him after awhile and it will end badly. On the other hand, I wonder if it would be worse to not keep contact and allow him to be completely alone and depressed. He literally has no one here. Can I get any advice on this? He's a man; sooner or later, he will have to learn to stand on his own two feet. You have a life. He wants to stay in contact with you as a crutch, it seems.
silkfox Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Any transitional period is rough, but unfortunately, he's in a myriad of them. Were I him, I think I'd feel better knowing I had at least someone I could turn to if things got truly bad. I'd say keep LC. Let him gather his bearings, and hopefully as he gets more into the flow of his new life he'll rely on you less and less. But yeah, don't muddy your intentions-- you're there for him as a friend, nothing more.
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