lemonlegs Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 So this probably sounds dumb, but I'm only 20, and I know it's a part of life that mostly anyone I date will have had past relationships before me, and that's cool. But my boyfriend (22 years old) of a few months dated his last ex girlfriend for 4 years, which I guess isn't THAT long of a period overall, but I've never had a relationship anywhere close to that. Overall, they seemed like they had more in common. I don't want to sound judgmental, but their style was more the same in comparison with mine and his style, and though I know he thinks I'm awesome, I just can't help but feel sometimes that, in certain ways, he wishes I was more like her. I feel stupid for even THINKING that, but she's all artsy and has tattoos and that just seems to be what he likes considering he always says "you'd look so good with tattoos." But that's just not my style... I love tattoos but am not the type that would get a huge one on my arm, like she has... Also, they have a dog 'together' or had a dog, which is fine. It's his dog since he lives with him and she's out of the province for school but for example, I looked at his tag and both of their phone numbers are on it... And 80% of his friends that he's introduced me to are all mutual friends of his ex that once again, are more into a specific scene than I am (her art school friends, for example) and I just feel so awkward and weird whenever he runs into them and they talk about other mutual friends and I'm left standing there with absolutely nothing to say. I'm usually a really outgoing person that can get along with anyone, but for whatever reason, whenever I've gone to hangout with his friends that I know are his ex's friends too, I feel so uncomfortable and as though I don't fit in. I feel like no matter what they'll always automatically like her more just because they were her friends first or something. I've just never been in a situation like this before because anyone I've dated, all my friends knew them to an extent before and I knew his friends before. basically, I just feel like they had so much to share and it's still such a huge part of his life, even though I might be overreacting. I don't bring it up 'cause I like to think I'm well adjusted despite feeling this way. Also, when I look at his old facebook photos, I notice that they both wore rings on their ring fingers.... they weren't engaged but obviously it was some sort of committment ring. And they lived together for 2 years... I guess it's just weird for me because I've never had anything close to that so I feel like I could never replace that in a way I guess. Please don't tell me to get over it and that I'm over reacting because I know to an extent I am, I'm just more looking for advice on how to deal with it or cope or whatever. Thanks for reading.
irin Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 sorry i have no advise but im kinda the same as you, im also 20 i get really intimidated by guys who have had ltr before. i understand how you feel!
NeverDated Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 My boyfriend was with his ex (on and off) for just shy of 3 years. I was with my ex-husband for a little over 10. It's really really hard to step into a relationship with someone when they have a deep past like that. In your situation, don't look at it so negatively. If he's 22, he must have started dating her at 16 or 17. They have so much in common because they spent their malleable years together. Common interests do NOT equate to compatible personalities - my XH and I have just about everything in common, since we were high school sweethearts, but we are entirely incompatible. You'd think 2 people who love all the same locations, foods, hobbies and media would get along great...but not so, we can't stand each other. So, while you can never "replace" her in his mind, you're the present and she's the past. I drive myself insane sometimes with similar thoughts, but at the end of the day if he's with you, you're obviously his preference despite the lack of similarities.
Desensitized Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 why don't you talk to him and tell him to accept you for you, and to stop nagging you about not having any tattoos, etc. Sounds like he's trying to change you. Red flag. Obviously he misses some of the things his ex had and he's trying to make up for missing her by trying to essentially turn you into her. Doesn't sound like he's over her, tbh... Either break up with him, or talk to him about this. It's not very fun being a rebound and not having your s/o's full commitment/attention.
FitChick Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 The longer you date the more his friends will get used to being with you. In the meantime, try to make new friends as a couple with other people. Join some sort of activity group where people like his ex are unlikely to be.
Author lemonlegs Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 why don't you talk to him and tell him to accept you for you, and to stop nagging you about not having any tattoos, etc. Sounds like he's trying to change you. Red flag. Obviously he misses some of the things his ex had and he's trying to make up for missing her by trying to essentially turn you into her. Doesn't sound like he's over her, tbh... Either break up with him, or talk to him about this. It's not very fun being a rebound and not having your s/o's full commitment/attention. I don't think that's it. I think in general, he just likes that style, not because it's his ex's style. That's just what I mean.... I feel as though she represented what he seems to like in a girl more than I do. He's done nothing himself to make me feel like that. As I said, it's just my own negative thoughts that cause me to think like this. But it's hard not to. I feel like I wouldn't even feel this bad if I had a relationship similar to his where I could say "I had that too, but know that it doesn't mean anything any more."
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