the right to be picky

[Leigh 87]

.. I think, if your at least average looking, you can have something about you that stands out enough to attract girls.

 

 

 

For instance, if an average guys hangs out with a few girls....

A super nice guy, who is into some cool things, is smart enough, and is a joy to be around, will get some of the girls he hangs around, to be interested.

 

if you stand out in some way, being average looking is enough. Being fit, yet average - definate options, if you stand out, get female frriends, and are a really nice guy that they can see would be a very nice b/f.

 

 

Another thing - daring to ask and put yourself out there, and presenting yourself as confident to the opposite sex.

Plent of people have things going for themselves, but fail to confidently put it out there to enough women.

I have always just gone for guys I knew would want what I did; be it a hook up, or a date. I knew they fancied me enough, so I just was confident and went for it. EVEN THOUGH I was not good looking. And still am not really.

[somedude81]

I'll be perfectly honest with you. Being white, 6 foot tall, and with an athletic build is like being a Honda Civic.

ROFL!

 

So then what are you and I?

 

Geo Metros?

[jobaba]

ROFL!

 

So then what are you and I?

 

Geo Metros?

 

Lol. Is that car even still on the market?

 

I mean, I don't know about you, but for me, maybe a Kia or a Saturn or something like that. Not a whole lot of interest from the general populace, but if you can really SELL and convince people you are a good product, then you might get some buyers.

 

What can you do? It's just the way it is.

 

Remember though, it only takes one woman. Do I wish sometimes that I've dated dozens of people like some of my buddies and the women on here? Yes. But at the end of the day, most everybody settles down with one person.

[zengirl]

Everything I've ever heard of online dating, tells me it's a complete waste of time for men. The only exception is if the guy is really good looking for very rich, and in that case, why is he looking online in the first place?

 

I know many men who found their GFs or wives online (including hubby obviously) who were neither very rich nor really good looking -- I mean, hubby is really good looking to me, obviously, but he's not a movie star. Attraction is totally subjective. I guess the guys I've mostly dated from online in recent years all had decent jobs (as do I), but none of them were very rich. When I was in college, I met my really crappy college BF online and dated him for a couple of years; he worked in a music store and thought his band was going to make it. (They sucked.)

[fortyninethousand322]

I'll be perfectly honest with you. Being white, 6 foot tall, and with an athletic build is like being a Honda Civic. You won't get the admiration of the very best if you don't stand out, but you're going to get a lot of interest from the 'middle class' and you should never have problems finding buyers.

 

My buddy is also very heavy which I didn't mention. But even then, he'd a have more women into him if his personality weren't just ... strange. He's a good guy though.

 

I really can't recall that many white men who were 6' and in the 180-200 lb range that had too many problems with women after high school or so.

 

One of my buddies who fit that description in college was REALLY dorky and the white girls didn't really go for him and he never had a girlfriend in high school. But the little Asian girls dug him in college and he eventually had a steady GF by age 20.

 

I also worked with a guy who took the term nice guy to the extreme. I mean this guy was so nice, and proper and polite, it almost made you want to throw up. No SWAG whatsoever. He was also 6', 180 and pretty good looking. He had gotten laid since high school and had always had girlfriends.

 

I mean really being 6' tall and athletic and white is like being an average looking women. Your baseline should have options. Maybe there's something about your personality.

 

Seem like a pretty nice, normal guy from your posts though.

 

I don't know. I mean, when I was in high school I was never really great with women. The most I ever did was dance with a girl at homecoming (a pretty cute girl who was standing alone the whole night until I asked her to dance). All her friends wanted me to ask her out afterwards (like days later not the same night lol) and when I did she told me "I have to check my schedule", which obviously was a rejection. Outside of that, women didn't really show me much attention. Not until college at least when one of my classmates got really flirty with me, and then of course an underaged coworker of mine who showed interest. Neither of those situations worked out obviously.

 

So I guess a part of this thread is basically me not understanding how the whole dating and attraction thing works. I have no idea who is or isn't "in my league". Judging from online dating my league is pretty low, but if I look at the real world these "leagues" aren't all that clear cut. A friend of mine who's now married with a kid, is skinny, not very tall (about 5'8") and lived at home all through college and still lives at home. Yet he dated a string of interesting and cute women up until he met his wife. There are other examples of this form other people I know.

 

At the same time (as others have stated in this thread) I don't think I could date someone I wasn't attracted to. What would probably happen if I did is I would become one of those people who just doesn't care about their relationship. Just sort of put things in neutral gear and just coast. I don't think that would be fair to anybody.

[fortyninethousand322]

I know many men who found their GFs or wives online (including hubby obviously) who were neither very rich nor really good looking -- I mean, hubby is really good looking to me, obviously, but he's not a movie star. Attraction is totally subjective. I guess the guys I've mostly dated from online in recent years all had decent jobs (as do I), but none of them were very rich. When I was in college, I met my really crappy college BF online and dated him for a couple of years; he worked in a music store and thought his band was going to make it. (They sucked.)

 

Yeah and that's the part that I never understood. I know from reading your posts that online dating has been very successful for you and people you know. And I understand that having a decent job is a good thing and probably people my age online look for that too. But, when I started online dating back in 2010 I was still a college student and I worked part time. So I was a productive member of society, not just an unemployed layabout. Yet even then I struggled.

[verhrzn]

Yeah and that's the part that I never understood. I know from reading your posts that online dating has been very successful for you and people you know. And I understand that having a decent job is a good thing and probably people my age online look for that too. But, when I started online dating back in 2010 I was still a college student and I worked part time. So I was a productive member of society, not just an unemployed layabout. Yet even then I struggled.

 

Some people just struggle. I've had 5 different people (real friends and posters from this forum) look over my profile and say it looks fine, and I still never get any messages. (This especially hurts since as a woman, I'm apparently supposed to be bombarded with messages.)

 

Sometimes, you can be a decent person, even an attractive one, and still not have any luck. My suggestion for you would be to focus on the job right now since that IS a big factor in your success, and go to single events and meet-ups instead of OLD. If you can't bring yourself to abandon serious dating for a while, then yeah, try lowering your standards, and going out on dates with women you're not sure about.

[fortyninethousand322]

Some people just struggle. I've had 5 different people (real friends and posters from this forum) look over my profile and say it looks fine, and I still never get any messages. (This especially hurts since as a woman, I'm apparently supposed to be bombarded with messages.)

 

Sometimes, you can be a decent person, even an attractive one, and still not have any luck. My suggestion for you would be to focus on the job right now since that IS a big factor in your success, and go to single events and meet-ups instead of OLD. If you can't bring yourself to abandon serious dating for a while, then yeah, try lowering your standards, and going out on dates with women you're not sure about.

 

Yeah, I guess you're right some people just struggle with it. I have actually gotten more involved with the job issue so hopefully that gets resolved shortly. I can handle being single and not dating well enough, just as long as I stay off of facebook (where everybody has pictures of themselves with a significant other) or if I avoid public places where people are usually in couples. Which so far has meant avoiding movie theaters and most restaurants, among other places.

[zengirl]

Yeah and that's the part that I never understood. I know from reading your posts that online dating has been very successful for you and people you know. And I understand that having a decent job is a good thing and probably people my age online look for that too. But, when I started online dating back in 2010 I was still a college student and I worked part time. So I was a productive member of society, not just an unemployed layabout. Yet even then I struggled.

 

First, I think OLD does work a bit better after college years. I honestly didn't know many people who used it in college and I never saw many on it who were in college when I did, my final year of college (that was awhile back, though). So, the fact that it didn't work for you in college doesn't surprise me. Most people in college are meeting so many people IRL AND not really looking for anything in particular yet (i.e. they're still learning what they like) so online dating doesn't work for them as much, unless they're younger women looking for considerably older men.

 

Second, most of the guys I know who had success with OLD have been guys who didn't necessarily have great success dating -- at all -- in college. A lot of them are late bloomers, TBH. Some had a long-time GF in college or HS, but they met her IRL and never considered themselves particularly desirable at that age. I'd say most of the guys I know who had success with it had their success somewhere between mid 20s and mid 30s, all after they were settled with good jobs and the women they were seeking were also settled with good jobs.

 

OLD truly does work well for some, especially those who aren't as good at meeting people in person and being aggressive in that way. That's what I've seen. Guys who are still a bit (or a lot!) shy about asking women out who do really well online and get messages directed TO them, etc. I know a lot of guys like that. Some are attractive, some not particularly. (None are truly awful looking or anything.) All have jobs, though many are not particularly high-paying. It really depends on if there's a market for you. A lot of it depends on where you live too -- for OLD to work well, I think you have to live in a really urban area. Not just be willing to drive there, as many people in the urban area (like myself) immediately dismiss anyone not in the city area, etc. I think for older people OLD can work well in the suburbs, but it is slower-going.

Edited April 18, 2012 by zengirl

[fortyninethousand322]

OLD truly does work well for some, especially those who aren't as good at meeting people in person and being aggressive in that way. That's what I've seen. Guys who are still a bit (or a lot!) shy about asking women out who do really well online and get messages directed TO them, etc. I know a lot of guys like that. Some are attractive, some not particularly. (None are truly awful looking or anything.) All have jobs, though many are not particularly high-paying. It really depends on if there's a market for you. A lot of it depends on where you live too -- for OLD to work well, I think you have to live in a really urban area. Not just be willing to drive there, as many people in the urban area (like myself) immediately dismiss anyone not in the city area, etc. I think for older people OLD can work well in the suburbs, but it is slower-going.

 

Maybe you're right. Although I have messaged mostly women from the 'burbs. Not from my town specifically (because for some reason there aren't a lot of women on there from my town) but from nearby ones. But even those women didn't respond. So I don't know, maybe they preferred to live in the suburbs and date in the city I guess.

 

Regardless, I think I will have to abandon online dating and look to greener pastures for success.

[Jane2011]

49K, the last guy I met, dated, and really liked was from OkCupid. I have scored with OLD (this last time, and a time or two before, but years ago). For me, it's sporadic, though. I met someone awesome in October of last year (and dated him in November and December), but before that I was on OkCupid off and on for about a year with no positive results. I'm definitely a fan of OLD, but just not constantly. I get away from it a lot because it's just as horrible, to me, as it is great.

 

The women you were talking to were dissing you a lot, so I suggest getting from it and trying other things, but you could always just leave the profile up and just rely on it a little less.

[Jane2011]

Oh, let me tell you something else I've done. This is something good for the shy. And some will consider it very middle school or something, (maybe it sounds that way in writing, but I think the reality of it is not all that badly received). Leaving your number on a piece of paper for people you think are attractive.

 

About a year and a half ago, I ate out at some pub/restaurant with a female friend. The whole time, I was thinking our waiter was cute, and it seemed to me he was smiling at me a lot. My friend talked me into just leaving my # for him on a piece of paper. I did so. She gave it to him for me, (about 2 minutes after I'd left the restaurant ahead and of her and started to walk toward the car.)

 

He called the next day, and I ended up dating him for a while. He was so cute!

 

Granted, he might not have called, and any woman you do this with might not either. But the rejection factor (and blow to your self esteem) is minimal. You have no idea what the other person's deal could possibly be if he/she doesn't call. He/she could have a significant other already, he/she could be gay, he/she could have just had a breakup the day before and be completely messed up emotionally and therefore unable to like you even if you're cute as heck, he/she might be moving out of state in a month and know they can't even entertain the idea of dating anyone. All kinds of reasons why they might not call that have nothing to do with you. You don't have to feel with being rejected, only possibly pleasantly surprised by a call.

 

Doesn't have to be in a restaurant. Other contexts will work. Hand a note to a bank teller, whatever, and then run...lol.

 

I really think people who are single and looking and think you're kinda cute would contact you. They're not gonna judge what you did as "lame" because they want companionship too.

[zengirl]

Maybe you're right. Although I have messaged mostly women from the 'burbs. Not from my town specifically (because for some reason there aren't a lot of women on there from my town) but from nearby ones. But even those women didn't respond. So I don't know, maybe they preferred to live in the suburbs and date in the city I guess.

 

Regardless, I think I will have to abandon online dating and look to greener pastures for success.

 

Yes, if it's not working, it's reasonable to abandon it. At least for a bit.

[Jane2011]

You don't have to feel with being rejected, only possibly pleasantly surprised by a call.

 

Correction: you don't have to *deal* with...

 

(I hate not being able to edit after a certain point).

 

Also, to add to what I said, this way allows you to approach very, very attractive people if you want to. (Well, not approach them, but leave your contact info).