Starnette83 Posted June 18, 2004 Posted June 18, 2004 I met my boyfriend when I was 17, and he was 16, we were instantly attacted to eachother, and we clicked alot! we would talk in the phone for hours every night and grew close. After 4 months or so we had sex, we were eachothers first, I knew I wanted to lose it to him because there was something about him that just felt right, and I felt so comftorable, so happy with him, he was like a gift sent from heaven. After we had sex things between us just got better, we became super close, he treated me so nice, and I'm still so happy I lost it to him and that he lost it to me, couldn't have been more perfect... Now after dating for a year things began to change, he became a little more different, and that got me confused, our 2nd year was rough, and we started having small 2-3 day break ups, then last year on 2003 we broke up for a month 1/2 because he was just being really cold and mean, he wasnt paying attention to my feelings, and would put his friends before me, or so thats how i felt, he didnt even bother getting me a present for my birtday which got me really upset because i knew he had money he just didnt think or something..anyways after a month 1/2 he came back to me and i gave him another chance, part of it is cuz i still loved him despite everything... dec 2003 we hit our 3 year anniversary, him 19 years old and me 20...i was happy that we made it to 3 years and having him close made me happy, afterall i wouldnt wanna be with anyone else... everything was fine until feb 2004 when he told me that he didnt love me, and thats why he couldnt say it to me anymore..it broke my heart, and i just remember feeling so off...we broke up for a couple of days but then i kinda went back to him...i was weak...and i did it mistake cuz i bet he mustve seen my foolishness to see how i still wanted to be with him despite the fact that he stopped loving me but only cared.... now we have had like 3 mini breakups this year...and usually i went back and thats why we got back..only once hes the one who came back. Anyways yesterday i realized how bitter i was...because it does hurt me that he doesnt love me and that im with him, loving him, and giving him my all..so i had a breaking point..where i hit reality...so i called him and told him that i was bitter...he told me why? i was crying..i was scared to say it cuz i knew that if i said it was cuz of him that he would just say "we shouldnt be together" and that we would be breaking up again..something i hated!! well i eventually told him it was cuz of him, cuz i felt off knowing he didnt love me and...i felt foolish..he then told me that he had been honest with me and that from along time he knew it be best if we broke up but that i always came back...i started crying..cuz i guess i wished he'd say..."i do love you" or soemthing like that...ugh...anyways...we broke up again...and even though its happened before...this time its partially different cuz theres no way i can see him, before we use to see eachother at school..so thats also why we would get back...but this time we are 40min away..and stuff and im going to another school...i guess this can be a good thing... anyways,...my problem is that i still love him..ALOT...and i cant hate him, or hold anything against him just cuz he doesnt love me, part of me understands cuz i was his first gf and he doesnt know what a relatiopnship is and maybe needs to explore...plus we are both young..im 20, 21 in a mont, and he just turned 20....but still even though im young...I KNOW i love him, I KNOW that hes the one i saw- and see myself with. I just wonder will he ever come around? Even though he doesnt know if he loves me..will he LOVE ME? or find out he loves me seeing that im not there anymore??? I was his first gf...and he was my 2nd bf..but my 1st serious bf... anyways any comments or suggestions would help... I can never stop loving him..i dont think...i miss him...but im trying to be strong and hope for the best..but i dont want to cling to hope cuz maybe hes never gonna come back..and im scared of him dating other girls......this sucks!! 3 years 1/2 with him..and now again...its over..i just want to have him in my future..maybe not now..but in a year or 2..i want him...i felt something so special with him, and even though he said he doesnt know if he loves me, i really felt likehe was sincere with me...i dunno ..
StartingAgain Posted June 18, 2004 Posted June 18, 2004 This was your first real love and the boy you gave yourself to for the first time. This will always be special to you. But later, a few years from now, you will look back on this relationship and view it in a whole different light. Your hurt is real and it's going to be with you for awhile. but you'll survive. Take comfort in the fact that this is the way nearly all teenaged love affairs go. They aren't meant to last forever. But they are great learning experiences and they have the special quality of being so new and exciting. You're doing OK. Hang in there.
Author Starnette83 Posted June 18, 2004 Author Posted June 18, 2004 thank you Starting again, i really hate viewing it as a love affair that was to not be forever, when i wanted it and felt like it was a forever thing, i dunno its hard to see it that way right now, cuz i still live with the hope that one day in the future we will be back together and that this time apart will help us realize that we are truly meant to be, but then again maybe im just wishing this and it will never happen...icuz i cant convince myself that he doesnt love me, even though he said he doesnt know and said he didnt think he did...but its just hard cuz i know he loved me once and he loved me alot cuz i could totally feel it when i talked to him, and was with him...ugh but it really did change i guess...well today is 2nd day no contact and i still dream of him at nights..and though i cant really cry..i just hope hes thinking of me as much as im thinking of him...and he realizes one day what a good girlfriend i was.
Author Starnette83 Posted June 18, 2004 Author Posted June 18, 2004 things i did for my bf..was it too much, or was it just fine what a gf is suppose to do: 1. gave him massages, 1 hour long if possible..cuz he loved em and i loved seeing him happy... 2. pleasured him all the time..we had a great sex life and when i was on my period i still made sure he was satisfied. 3. for his birthdays or certain events i made sure i bought him somthing nice, he always loved the gifts i got him- i got him a watch a month ago for his last bday- cost 70. Money didnt matter to me 4. washed his laundry at my house cuz he didnt have a laundry at his house. 5. listened to him when he was down and did try my best to make him feel okay 6. helped him with hw - like essays even though it was a hassle, but still tried when h e needed the help 7. cleaned his room when i came over and it was a bit messy- just cuz i like doing nice things like that 8. never expected him to buy me stuff in the store, was satisfied for him to just take us out to eat and to a movie once in a while. 9. showed him i loved him- by my actions and kisses + hugs
whatshouldido Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Starnette I am in a similar situation to yours. However, i'm 20 and my bf is 21. We have been together for over four years, we were each other's firsts..we have had many many rough spots throughout our relationship. Our first year was probably the best...after that he had tried to break up with me a couplle of times because he felt that he was not good enough for me and that i deserved better, i would never let him break up with me thoguh. i know he loves me and i love him, but even though there is someone out there who might be better for me, i would not let him go. our third year was very rocky. he was always the one who did the "breaking" up..even though we never really broke up. this last time we broke up was on valentines day,....i called him to see what he wanted to do, and he broke up with me...an dproceeded to go out with another girl...and spent valentines day, and a whole week with this other girl...i was just depressed and crying...i loved him so much how could he do this....we talked during the week...most of the time he was drunk..he was in a great depression..however he was still hanging out with this girl.. he came over to my house, and he told me that she made him feel happy, and all this other bull****...then a week later he came crying back to me...he realized what he had done..whatever....and he loved me and wanted me....and here i was vulnerable, and imediatley took him back. it has been over a year since this has happened..but i think about it all the time, and i honestly right now am struggling with our realtionship. not only does it have to do with what happened a year ago, but i am just nto that happy. i do love him thouhg, and i am scared of hurting him and leaving him on his own. a mistake i made in our relationship was to baby him. somewhat like you did with your boyfriend, you spend so much time trying to make him happy, buy him gifts, that you don't take care of yourself. my boyfriend too has not gotten me anything for my birthday before once...and it did hurt. right now i keep making excuses for myself...on why i am with him..everytime i see him i have to hold myself back from crying because i get so sad thinking about not being with him. he can tell that somethings wrong though, and he has been asking me if i'm happy..and i lie and say yes...i need to just come out with the truth and tell him no, i'm not happy...maybe that is what he is hoping to hear...he promised me he would never break up with me again, if we were going to break up that it would have to be something i wanted to do...maybe we both would be happier without each other.....we don't know any different. ....i don't know.........it is going to happen one day soon,........... sorry if my thoughts are abrupt....i have too many flowing through my head..
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