When you like someone who is taken...

[Jane2011]

i'm sort of in this position at the moment, so here's what i think

 

to put things in perspective this colleague of mine hasn't been with the bf too long, a few months i believe, and not living together so i would hardly consider myself a 'homewrecker'. but at the same time i don't believe in forcibly getting in between couples of any sort so i have absolutly no plans in making an actual move on her.

 

sigh. and here's the complex part ... the body language between us is undeniable; ie. chemistry galore.

 

regardless, i'm playing the cool detached gentleman and waiting for her to play her cards first. i'm sure she can tell i'm attracted to her; just as i can intuit that she digs my style ... if she lets me know most unambiguously that she's no longer with the other guy, game on. but until then, i'm not doing anything obvious.

 

for the moment, as we collaborate further, i'm just playing that cool sexy vibacious dude that pops into her mind as she's ****ing her "boyfriend"

 

and i'm fine with that as i continue to date others

 

Thanks for sharing. I plan to be that innocuous as well. I'm not hovering around, nor do I plan to. I just want to still exist to the guy.

 

The truth is, I don't even think I need to 'remind' him of me. He likes me and I'm sure is thinking about me anyway. He would date me except that she'll kill him if he does, and he has feelings for her and doesn't want to lose her. It's understandable. He's been with her way longer.

 

You and I are backing off as we are supposed to. It's okay for us to still crush from afar, if we feel like it. Feelings and actions are two different things.

[Jane2011]

Leigh,

 

I am neither for nor against open relationships / polyamory, etc. I pretty much think like this: whatever works for people. I think some couples can be one woman/one man for the rest of their lives and be happy. Other couples do things differently. Other couples get sexually bored and want variety. Other people believe it is 'beautiful' to love more than one person emotionally. I just think different things work for different people.

 

I guess I just believe in being flexible and open-minded.

 

I do think having one man who wants me and only me would be satisfying. Very much so. But I also think having a man who is very devoted and kind to me is also very satisfying, even if he has another woman who is also very devoted and kind to. I mean, it's like a romantic version of knowing he cares about his mother. I'd support a guy loving and caring about his mother; why could I not also support a guy loving and caring about another woman? She is a human being and, in the big picture of things, someone I should care for too.

 

I think it's a challenge to really feel un-jealous and un-coveting in one's heart. But I think it can be done.

 

Like I said, I'm just thinking of these things. I've never actually lived out a polyamorous lifestyle. I think it could be lovely. But I can't predict how I would feel. I know my intentions and attitude are nice/kind, though.

 

Also, I think your situation with your boyfriend is fine. What works for you is good for you.

 

I'm glad to say that the main thing LS has taught me -- in my five/six months here -- is what I don't want to be. That's judgmental. This place is lousy with haters, lol. I want to be the opposite of that and celebrate people having love in their lives, in whatever way that comes.

 

I even wish the best for the guy and girl in my situation. I want him, but they're good people, and I want them to be happy too. I say that, of course, with bittersweet longing for him (and it might be a year or so, or the meeting of a new guy, before I feel it with great, great sincerity), but in all fairness, I don't want to wish ill on them just because I can't have him.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[goldengirl11]

At the same time, though, goldengirl, I've had light contact with other guys who I was "finished" with, and they all took it well. They didn't treat it with some smug attitude like "hahaha...she still likes me." Often, I'd text hello, they'd text something, then I don't text back. Or same thing with email. I make a point of not attempting to prolong things. So they know I'm truly just saying WHAT UP !!! lol...

 

But like I said, I don't know what I'll do. I generally err on the side of caution about these things, so if anything, I'd contact very little as opposed to too much or even just a reasonable amount.

 

Re being "finished" with things, what frustrates me with the guy concerned (in my case) is that he spent much time teasing and often initiating contact without suggesting a date , when either I assumed there was still someone on the scene or when he appeared to come back, so I hope that one day we will actually meet again. We don't have any mutual friends you see. Do you?

Edited April 17, 2012 by goldengirl11

[Jane2011]

Re being "finished" with things, what frustrates me with the guy concerned (in my case) is that he spent much time teasing and often initiating contact without suggesting a date , when either I assumed there was still someone on the scene or when he appeared to come back, so I hope that one day we will actually meet again. We don't have any mutual friends you see. Do you?

 

Well, positive things that can come out of having light contact. It can, in a strange way, get you over a guy more quickly. While his complete absence sometimes allows you to fantasize that he still wants/needs you (and/or makes him, in your mind, 'larger than life' somehow), him disappointing you at times with lack of move to get together or lack of attention can reinforce in you the rightness of looking to other men. So...contact can have its upside if it pans out in a certain way. It can have upsides in other ways, too, depending.

 

To answer your question, no, he and I have no mutual friends. We have maybe three mutual acquaintances, but they're only acquaintances to him and to me, so none of them know what's going on with him or with me as individuals, and none of them would in any way bring him or I into the same room, party, event, etc.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[leftfordead2]

Thought you were better than this...

[Jane2011]

Thought you were better than this...

 

Yeah, it's really wrong to be friendly with people from a distance.

 

Mind you, many other posters in this thread have said "I'd still be friendly but I wouldn't do anything to sabotage the relationship."

 

Same stance I have.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[goldengirl11]

Social proof. Single guys don't have it.

 

Sorry how do you mean?

[goldengirl11]

Well, positive things that can come out of having light contact. It can, in a strange way, get you over a guy more quickly. While his complete absence sometimes allows you to fantasize that he still wants/needs you (and/or makes him, in your mind, 'larger than life' somehow), him disappointing you at times with lack of move to get together or lack of attention can reinforce in you the rightness of looking to other men. So...contact can have its upside if it pans out in a certain way. It can have upsides in other ways, too, depending.

 

To answer your question, no, he and I have no mutual friends. We have maybe three mutual acquaintances, but they're only acquaintances to him and to me, so none of them know what's going on with him or with me as individuals, and none of them would in any way bring him or I into the same room, party, event, etc.

 

So it makes it harder for you to communicate then. Although on the other hand it is easier to move on I guess.

[PlumPrincess]

Leigh,

 

I am neither for nor against open relationships / polyamory, etc. I pretty much think like this: whatever works for people. I think some couples can be one woman/one man for the rest of their lives and be happy. Other couples do things differently. Other couples get sexually bored and want variety. Other people believe it is 'beautiful' to love more than one person emotionally. I just think different things work for different people.

 

I guess I just believe in being flexible and open-minded.

 

I do think having one man who wants me and only me would be satisfying. Very much so. But I also think having a man who is very devoted and kind to me is also very satisfying, even if he has another woman who is also very devoted and kind to. I mean, it's like a romantic version of knowing he cares about his mother. I'd support a guy loving and caring about his mother; why could I not also support a guy loving and caring about another woman? She is a human being and, in the big picture of things, someone I should care for too.

 

I think it's a challenge to really feel un-jealous and un-coveting in one's heart. But I think it can be done.

 

Like I said, I'm just thinking of these things. I've never actually lived out a polyamorous lifestyle. I think it could be lovely. But I can't predict how I would feel. I know my intentions and attitude are nice/kind, though.

 

Also, I think your situation with your boyfriend is fine. What works for you is good for you.

 

I'm glad to say that the main thing LS has taught me -- in my five/six months here -- is what I don't want to be. That's judgmental. This place is lousy with haters, lol. I want to be the opposite of that and celebrate people having love in their lives, in whatever way that comes.

 

I even wish the best for the guy and girl in my situation. I want him, but they're good people, and I want them to be happy too. I say that, of course, with bittersweet longing for him (and it might be a year or so, or the meeting of a new guy, before I feel it with great, great sincerity), but in all fairness, I don't want to wish ill on them just because I can't have him.

If you're longing for someone, you don't want to share them. Everything else is a self-lie.

 

I think polyamorous relationships are an invention of cunning men to have more than one women. How many happy-hippie-romances do you know where there's one woman and several guys? Usually it's one guy and several women. It always makes me ask myself, "Are you stupid, woman?"

[Jane2011]

If you're longing for someone, you don't want to share them. Everything else is a self-lie.

 

Well, I'm not going to claim expert or personal knowledge about how people feel when they are in polyamorous situations, seeing as how I've never actually lived out the life but only just had/have willingness to try it (with good intentions). But anything you say about "self-lies," "not true love," and "it's bullsh*t", etc., etc., you know darn well that a polyamorous person who's happy is just going to tell you "Sorry, but that's not true." And then it's just a situation of "Yes it is" "No it's not" "Yes it is" "No it's not" "Yes it is" "No it's not" "Yes it is" "No it's not" "Yes it is" "No it's not."

 

I think polyamorous relationships are an invention of cunning men to have more than one women. How many happy-hippie-romances do you know where there's one woman and several guys? Usually it's one guy and several women. It always makes me ask myself, "Are you stupid, woman?"

 

I don't know of that many situations, personally, just a bunch of variations of it that I read about on the Internet, and it comes in all formats (usually of 3 to 4 people involved, not some insane chain or web of 7 or 8 people). In any case, I'll grant I don't hear about many that are fully evolved groups of people who are truly all happy with the situation.

 

In fact, the accounts I read about it are like any relationships, there are issues and challenges, etc. I don't think polyamorous relationships are easy at all, but neither are traditional ones. Look at all the people on this board who have f*cked up dating situations and f*cked up traditional relationships. Even some of the people who are happy today are, let's be realistic, very probably going to have issues in their own relationship soon enough and may or may not be with their current partner in two, three, four years, whatever.

 

Like I said, I'm not a fan of polyamorous relationships, nor am I fan of traditional, exclusive ones. To be honest, relationships in general strike me as soooo problematic in general. To me, it's not a matter of which is better or worse (poly or traditional). Nowadays, I laud what works over what doesn't work. Or rather, happy people vs. unhappy people. In other words, I'd rather be in some happy polyamorous situation and be judged by people than be in some unhappy traditional relationship yet have the blessings of society. Or I'd rather be in a traditional relationship that works well than some polyamorous situation that doesn't.

 

I'm just not convinced that "working" is a matter of relationship structure. I think it's a matter of simply...working or not.

 

As far as it being more often a man with more than one woman, and not the other way around, I'd have to agree with that. Thinking back to the majority of the accounts I've read about, it does seem that way. Might have to do with women being more amenable to it than men are. I think men are more sexually possessive in general.

 

The thing is, I think people transfer how they would feel in a situation to how other people would feel. But all people simply don't feel the same way about things. When someone says "Are you crazy? You would share a man? Don't you care about yourself?" it's because it would drive that person crazy with resentment/annoyance to have to share a man. But not all people feel things to the same degree at all. I'm open to the idea of a polyamorous situation because I think I fall on the "less" jealous and possessive side of the spectrum than the average person. Doesn't mean I am completely unsusceptible to those feelings, just not as acutely as other people. But those other people just can't fathom that.

 

We accept that we're all different in other ways, easily. But when it comes to advice-giving about what people are feeling, it's always "I know you would feel exactly the way I do and exactly the way any normal person would." But...really, not necessarily.

 

The thing is, if I'd gotten together with that guy I like, yes, I'd have been sharing him. But she would also have been sharing him. And I wouldn't be thinking of terms of "If he has another woman, I have to have another man." We don't nickel and dime our traditional relationships; why would we need to nickel and dime in others?

 

If I wanted to have another man, I'd have one. But I wouldn't want to have the mentality of having to keep things even steven all the time because I'm nickel and diming my relationship.

 

I want people in my life who enhance it and make it happier. I'm not worried about other things so much.

Edited April 17, 2012 by Jane2011

[runner]

Thanks for sharing. I plan to be that innocuous as well. I'm not hovering around, nor do I plan to. I just want to still exist to the guy.

 

The truth is, I don't even think I need to 'remind' him of me. He likes me and I'm sure is thinking about me anyway. He would date me except that she'll kill him if he does, and he has feelings for her and doesn't want to lose her. It's understandable. He's been with her way longer.

 

You and I are backing off as we are supposed to. It's okay for us to still crush from afar, if we feel like it. Feelings and actions are two different things.

 

oh absolutly ! i just saw her today again and, whoa boy, she is hot hot hot :love: ..she even cut her hair

 

i'm not super upset for being attracted to her; in fact i love it and welcome it. if anything she's just eye candy for me whilst we work together. but the fact is she's with someone else and a huge part of me (in my pants ) isn't interested in creating drama and posting about it on LS.

 

in the meanwhile i can think about the two other cuties who also flirted with me earlier

[Jane2011]

oh absolutly ! i just saw her today again and, whoa boy, she is hot hot hot :love: ..she even cut her hair

 

i'm not super upset for being attracted to her; in fact i love it and welcome it. if anything she's just eye candy for me whilst we work together. but the fact is she's with someone else and a huge part of me (in my pants ) isn't interested in creating drama and posting about it on LS.

 

in the meanwhile i can think about the two other cuties who also flirted with me earlier

 

We adore our respective taken people indeed. See my avatar? To me, the guy I like is that carton of milk, and I am the worshipful chocolate chip cookie.

 

Glad to hear about the two cuties!

 

I don't have two cuties to distract me. I'm thinking of just moving out of state eventually. Get away from it all.

[Imajerk17]

Actually I'd think the guy would be the chocolate-chip cookie, and the woman the milk. You know, phallic imagery on a couple different levels...

 

I didn't read through all 137+ posts, but this is my take reading the header: The more energy you put towards this guy, the more hooked you are going to be on him, and it doesn't look like that serves you. So I say to limit it for your sake as much as anything else.

[Jane2011]

Actually I'd think the guy would be the chocolate-chip cookie, and the woman the milk. You know, phallic imagery on a couple different levels...

 

I didn't read through all 137+ posts, but this is my take reading the header: The more energy you put towards this guy, the more hooked you are going to be on him, and it doesn't look like that serves you. So I say to limit it for your sake as much as anything else.

 

Thanks. I am limiting myself. I'm just going to withdraw into myself and be a spinster. Right now I'm just sitting at my desk, feeling infinitely sad, listening to a lachrymose song by Sarah McLachlan, and just cursing the fact that I'm way into what is essentially a married man. I'm not putting any energy toward him.

 

I have something to say to LS people: Love Sucks.

[runner]

Thanks. I am limiting myself. I'm just going to withdraw into myself and be a spinster. Right now I'm just sitting at my desk, feeling infinitely sad, listening to a lachrymose song by Sarah McLachlan, and just cursing the fact that I'm way into what is essentially a married man. I'm not putting any energy toward him.

 

I have something to say to LS people: Love Sucks.

 

hard to dissagree with you Jane. it does suck sometimes, when it goes wrong. been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.

 

but what you're locked into isn't love, it's a crush, and you're crushing hard. if it were true love then you and this guy would be together, and both be crushing on each other, nekkidly.

 

keep it within that context; keep your chin up, and save your energy for that someone who actually is available for your complete awesomeness.

 

yea it might be easier said than done, but you have to do it and not wait for it to happen. it's doable.

 

(apologies if i'm repeating what previous posters have already said; i really don't have time to read everything on here )

[runner]

We adore our respective taken people indeed. See my avatar? To me, the guy I like is that carton of milk, and I am the worshipful chocolate chip cookie.

 

Glad to hear about the two cuties!

 

I don't have two cuties to distract me. I'm thinking of just moving out of state eventually. Get away from it all.

 

you don't right now, at this moment, today. but they'll come around eventually, and notice you more when they sense that you aren't being overly hung up on someone else.

[Jane2011]

hard to dissagree with you Jane. it does suck sometimes, when it goes wrong. been there, done that, have the scars to prove it.

 

but what you're locked into isn't love, it's a crush, and you're crushing hard. if it were true love then you and this guy would be together, and both be crushing on each other, nekkidly.

 

keep it within that context; keep your chin up, and save your energy for that someone who actually is available for your complete awesomeness.

 

yea it might be easier said than done, but you have to do it and not wait for it to happen. it's doable.

 

(apologies if i'm repeating what previous posters have already said; i really don't have time to read everything on here )

 

Thanks, runner. I really appreciate the kind words.

 

Mind you, I hate hearing "it's just a crush" -- although I know you're sort of right.

 

I guess i wouldn't call it a crush (I think of a 'crush' as something where you have a fascination with someone you hardly even talk to or have never talked to). I dated the guy, was involved with him, slept with him. "Infatuation" probably fits better for seven weeks of dating.

 

I hope things go well for you, too. You seem chipper. That's good.

 

Anyway, I'm personally dead to the world now. I don't even give a sh*t anymore. I'm not trying to meet anybody. I'm just listening to music and not giving a sh*t. It works for me.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Jane2011

[Leigh 87]

Jane - I love love LOVE your open attitude! Truly, it is a joy to read about.

I am also open minded, more so thanks to you, actually - I mean, why the heck not be open to any type of love or relatioship that occus in the future?

I prefer monogomy, after meeting my current bf, but you know, that could change one day.

 

Maybe once I become ( and yes I will) super confident in myself, have my career on track, and get more fit, I will be so self assured and happy to be me more, that I WILL tollerate a guy who has another bl00dy girlfriend?

 

I say this, regarding confidence, because my boyfriends ex girl is super confident, in that she has a great career, masters degree, a model look alike, but self absorbed and conceited though.... And she has open relationships, f*cks with other couples when she is in a relationship...

I am thinking with some girls, it comes down to feeling assued enough inthemselves, to realize they are unique and more than enough to not WORRY about the other girl taking their place.

 

I think it has to be done from the outset, though; once you get in themindes of monogomy with a guy, you need to fulfill that.. and then if single again, if you are to enter into plomy, you first have to KNOW the guy is seeing another girl from the outset.

i can see myself being in that predicament, where I meet a poly guy. If he is awwwwwwesome, and just charming as hell, and I think he is definately the guy i want to be with for now; I would see where it goes with his other girlfriend LOL.

 

 

Like you said, though; you are fairly confident, cute and attractive, and yet you felt pangs of jealousy, even though u knew from the outset.

The feelings you questioned will not go away, right? You were slightly uneasy then, so why would that change now?

Perhaps you would be more suited to a relationship, in which u can f*ck with other people, alone or as a couple, once in a while? You get to be each others emotionaly bound love, but yet experience occassional varity in sex?

 

 

Haha, Ia m interested to know what you have to say about THAT. You get he guy all for yourself, but not physically at times? Can you divide between sex and emotions? Obviously, it is harder when it is LOVE the guy has for two girls! At least for ME.

[Jane2011]

Jane - I love love LOVE your open attitude! Truly, it is a joy to read about.

I am also open minded, more so thanks to you, actually - I mean, why the heck not be open to any type of love or relatioship that occus in the future?

I prefer monogomy, after meeting my current bf, but you know, that could change one day.

 

Haha, I kinda wish this thread would go away, but people keep posting in it. (Not that I'm not glad you did, Leigh).

 

Yes, I have gotten increasingly open-(minded) in the past few months, and a lot of it had to do with me being in the situation myself and then doing tons of soul-searching afterwards. I don't think it's a temporary thing, either. Even if I'm never again faced with being in a polyamorous or open-relationship situation, I will never have anything against them. Most of my friends are appalled and/or disgusted by such structures, but I do have one friend who believes they are healthy and satisfying (and she's felt that way for at least eight or nine years). I feel like I have slowly shifted to her way of thinking...

 

Maybe once I become ( and yes I will) super confident in myself, have my career on track, and get more fit, I will be so self assured and happy to be me more, that I WILL tollerate a guy who has another bl00dy girlfriend?

 

I say this, regarding confidence, because my boyfriends ex girl is super confident, in that she has a great career, masters degree, a model look alike, but self absorbed and conceited though.... And she has open relationships, f*cks with other couples when she is in a relationship...

I am thinking with some girls, it comes down to feeling assued enough inthemselves, to realize they are unique and more than enough to not WORRY about the other girl taking their place.

 

I think that is part of it. If you really like yourself a lot (and I do), you think of your partner as really really really enjoying your company and your overall self, such that the 'other woman', while probably spectacular in her own ways, can never be you. You bring something unique and awesome to the table, and no other person can duplicate it.

 

If you're super self-satisfied, you feel jealousy less. (Mind you, I don't even have the grounds, necessarily, to be super-self-satisfied; I have tons of flaws and imperfections - physical and otherwise; I just healthily like myself a lot anyway!)

 

I think it has to be done from the outset, though; once you get in themindes of monogomy with a guy, you need to fulfill that.. and then if single again, if you are to enter into plomy, you first have to KNOW the guy is seeing another girl from the outset.

i can see myself being in that predicament, where I meet a poly guy. If he is awwwwwwesome, and just charming as hell, and I think he is definately the guy i want to be with for now; I would see where it goes with his other girlfriend LOL.

 

I think what you said above is why the situation I was in was somewhat 'okay' with me. I went into it already knowing they were polyamorous. I only ever knew him as some other woman's man who I got to 'borrow,' for lack of a better word. (Although it wouldn't have stayed 'borrowing' forever; just initially, it felt that way). That does make it easier, I think, than when one has a boyfriend all to one's self for a year or two, and then has to adapt to the idea of sharing him with someone else.

 

I think it is part of the reason why, now, the girl in my situation can't bear to have me around. It feels maybe like she's "losing" a little of him if I take away some of him (via time and emotions). I, on the other hand, don't feel that I'm losing him to her because she was already there; she already had his time and emotions. I only get the sense of 'gaining' him.

 

Like you said, though; you are fairly confident, cute and attractive, and yet you felt pangs of jealousy, even though u knew from the outset.

The feelings you questioned will not go away, right? You were slightly uneasy then, so why would that change now?

Perhaps you would be more suited to a relationship, in which u can f*ck with other people, alone or as a couple, once in a while? You get to be each others emotionaly bound love, but yet experience occassional varity in sex?

 

I did feel pangs of jealousy back then. The reason I thought I wouldn't feel that so much in the future is that I was distanced from the situation for three whole months and got time to think about it. To ponder on jealousy, insecurity, and fears. I talked to a person who is polyamorous, and said person made a lot of good points about how we irrationally think someone valuing and loving another person has to somehow detract from the love that person has for us. It doesn't have to mean that. The experience a person has with another person has nothing to do with you. Comparing two relationships is like comparing apples to oranges. They're always different in nature and dynamic. A person can love another person a lot and still love you a lot; it's not less love, but more.

 

Haha, Ia m interested to know what you have to say about THAT. You get he guy all for yourself, but not physically at times? Can you divide between sex and emotions? Obviously, it is harder when it is LOVE the guy has for two girls! At least for ME.

 

I don't know what I'll do with my love and sex life in the future. I don't think I *want* an open relationship, but I'm not against them, and I see the practicality of them. I was in a relationship for five and a half years in which I became sexually bored by year four. I think it's very, very normal and even inevitable that people are gonna get bored with their partner, sexually, and crave something else. (My ex-boyfriend was handsome and fit the whole time I was with him, and I still got sexually bored, so....). Doesn't mean the relationship has to end, though. So I can see why people create a sexually open relationship. It's hard to prevent people from falling in love with others from the sex, though, and that presents a conundrum. Even if I might be "for" it in theory, it could easily have the effect of making me very nervous, too.

Edited April 18, 2012 by Jane2011