OliveOyl Posted April 16, 2012 Posted April 16, 2012 Meh. I am if the oPinion that prior to engagement, it's just dating, in other words trying to figure out if the other person is the right one for you. From that perspective, I think alls fair in love and war. Of course, even if it's fair, you risk making a fool out of yourself and further alienating your friend, if u take it too far. Some people may not have marriage as a goal, in fact they may purposely avoid marriage for various reasons, but embrace partnership. Do you think it's "all fair" in this scenario?
Anela Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I don't recall liking anyone who's taken - unless I liked them before they got seriously involved with someone else (the feelings faded) - but it is different for you, because you were already together with his girlfriend's (initial) blessing. It's understandable - I remember you saying how much you liked him. 1
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I don't recall liking anyone who's taken - unless I liked them before they got seriously involved with someone else (the feelings faded) - but it is different for you, because you were already together with his girlfriend's (initial) blessing. It's understandable - I remember you saying how much you liked him. Thanks for understanding. I know I need to back off a lot, and I will. But it's nice to be understood. I do like the guy a lot. There's a reason why two women are in love with him.
jobaba Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Thanks for understanding. I know I need to back off a lot, and I will. But it's nice to be understood. I do like the guy a lot. There's a reason why two women are in love with him. LOL. Enlighten us. What is it?
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Jane, it's time to consider why emotionally unavailable men appeal to you. If I recall, you were very attracted to a polyamorous guy. While this may sound cliché, what was your father like?
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 LOL. Enlighten us. What is it? Lol, well, i could reel off a bunch of positive qualities, but that wouldnt mean anything to anybody. My point is just that he's very much my ideal man in both personal qualities and actions as a boyfriend, and its no surprise to me that she covets him as much as i do. Typing this on tablet. Sorry for grammar errors 1
jobaba Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Lol, well, i could reel off a bunch of positive qualities, but that wouldnt mean anything to anybody. My point is just that he's very much my ideal man in both personal qualities and actions as a boyfriend, and its no surprise to me that she covets him as much as i do. Typing this on tablet. Sorry for grammar errors Meh. Tell me. Be honest. I'm just curious.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Jane, it's time to consider why emotionally unavailable men appeal to you. If I recall, you were very attracted to a polyamorous guy. While this may sound cliché, what was your father like? Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you... lol, just kidding. But seriously, I could tell you what my father was like and how absent/present he was, but then I'd also have to tell you that my sisters were raised by the very same father in the very same way, and that they've been happily and healthily married for 10 and 13 years respectively, have kids, etc., and I'm still different from them despite having the same daddy situation. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.
threebyfate Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you... lol, just kidding. But seriously, I could tell you what my father was like and how absent/present he was, but then I'd also have to tell you that my sisters were raised by the very same father in the very same way, and that they've been happily and healthily married for 10 and 13 years respectively, have kids, etc., and I'm still different from them despite having the same daddy situation. Maybe I'm just a weirdo.There are elements of nature and nurture to different personality types. Also, dynamics between father to mother can be viewed differently per child, reliant on inherent sensitivity level of the child. There can also be different dynamics between father to child. Have you had other instances of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men besides these two?
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Other than that, his GF has indicated that she no longer wants you around, yet you intend to stay on his radar. She'll be very suspicious of that, since you did after all f*ck her boyfriend. I remember nights when I was f*cking her boyfriend, with her permission. I kept thinking, "I can't believe she's okay with this..." Anyway, yeah, I know, I'm probably a sore point for her now. But she can't exactly resent me (and she doesn't; she and I are distant friends; we went to school together and know each other; she and I are actually Facebook friends while I am not Facebook friends with him). Anyway, as I was saying, she can't exactly resent me considering she let her boyfriend loose on the adoring female public, and I became a fan. If you let your boyfriend have sex with another woman, that woman might just fall for him. I'm not saying that gives me the right to satellite too heavily (and as I've said many times in this thread, I don't plan to). But she did let me have a piece of her boyfriend that I never should have had. When I first met him and found out he was in an open relationship, I actually opted out of the date, saying, "Eh...maybe I'll pass then." He talked me into it and even said, "She doesn't mind, you know. She even prefers I date one of her friends." [she and I aren't that close as friends; I use the word 'friends' verrrry loosely. We just know each other.]
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Meh. Tell me. Be honest. I'm just curious. He's handsome, very smart/intellectual, likes doing the same things I like doing. Good social skills. He's giving and sweet. Good in bed. Loves to cuddle. I dunno..these are just basic things. I'm actually at work right now, sneaking posts in, so I'm not necessarily putting this as well as I want to. He's just hot. And very nice and warm. And giving. He's not perfect. He has some things I would consider flaws or incompatabilities with me, but they're not things that matter a lot to me. He's also Indian. I love Indian men now...
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah, there are, of course. But I'm in love with a taken one. It's horrible. Jane, Your in love with a guy, who has a girl who has strong feelings for him. I would not; YOU would not, want a guy YOU had strong feelings for, to even associate occasionally, when a girl who liked him remotely, much less love... I know you would never act on it; even if he learnt forward and kissed u, I know you would pull away, on account of it being disrecpectful to his g/f. However, it is still not something you would like done to YOU.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 There are elements of nature and nurture to different personality types. Also, dynamics between father to mother can be viewed differently per child, reliant on inherent sensitivity level of the child. There can also be different dynamics between father to child. Have you had other instances of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men besides these two? I'll answer this in a bit. Back to work.
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 He's handsome, very smart/intellectual, likes doing the same things I like doing. Good social skills. He's giving and sweet. Good in bed. Loves to cuddle. I dunno..these are just basic things. I'm actually at work right now, sneaking posts in, so I'm not necessarily putting this as well as I want to. He's just hot. And very nice and warm. And giving. He's not perfect. He has some things I would consider flaws or incompatabilities with me, but they're not things that matter a lot to me. He's also Indian. I love Indian men now... haha, I am only sexually attracted to caucasions; and only fair, blue eyed ones too! Strange, the differeing preferences us women have:) Does HE have feelings for YOU? either way - come on mann, you KNOW what the right thing to do is! You would not like a guy who YOU fancied a lot, to spend ANY time with a chick that was in love with him. SO.. Don't do it to other people.
jobaba Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 He's handsome, very smart/intellectual, likes doing the same things I like doing. Good social skills. He's giving and sweet. Good in bed. Loves to cuddle. I dunno..these are just basic things. I'm actually at work right now, sneaking posts in, so I'm not necessarily putting this as well as I want to. He's just hot. And very nice and warm. And giving. He's not perfect. He has some things I would consider flaws or incompatabilities with me, but they're not things that matter a lot to me. He's also Indian. I love Indian men now... Sounds like how every woman who has ever rejected me would describe me ... minus the hot and handsome part of course. And therein lies the difference between passionate pursuit of a taken man and flat out rejection of a single man. Meh. What can you do? I am good at sex too.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 haha, I am only sexually attracted to caucasions; and only fair, blue eyed ones too! Strange, the differeing preferences us women have:) Does HE have feelings for YOU? either way - come on mann, you KNOW what the right thing to do is! You would not like a guy who YOU fancied a lot, to spend ANY time with a chick that was in love with him. SO.. Don't do it to other people. He's the first Indian guy I have liked. He does have feelings for me; he wanted us to see each other when I got back in contact with him by phone. In fact, he's the one who suggested it, but it was before he talked to his girlfriend about it. I saw him once in the past three weeks (when we were sorting things out/a decision was being made, not after it was decided that the situation was a no-go), and we hugged/held each other, held hands while we walked and talked. No kissing. But I don't think he feels as strongly for me as I do for him, of course.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 Sounds like how every woman who has ever rejected me would describe me ... minus the hot and handsome part of course. And therein lies the difference between passionate pursuit of a taken man and flat out rejection of a single man. Meh. What can you do? I am good at sex too. lol, hardly 'passionate pursuit of a taken man.' It was stated on Thursday night that we can't see each other. I haven't talked to him (in any form) or seen him since and probably won't for a long while. I'm just here talking to y'all about it.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 There are elements of nature and nurture to different personality types. Also, dynamics between father to mother can be viewed differently per child, reliant on inherent sensitivity level of the child. There can also be different dynamics between father to child. Have you had other instances of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men besides these two? Yes, I think I have liked some emotionally unavailables before. The thing is, though, they're available when I start liking them. They're ultra sweet and ultra available. But then either they or circumstances pull the rug out from beneath me and an unavailable situation is created. But I still want the guy. FML!?
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I am good at sex too. I believe that. I think most guys in general are good at sex. in my experience, only two or so (out of 11) were not that great.
Leigh 87 Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I do not really like the fact a man HAs a girlfriend, a girl who has hopes for him... and he is holding and hugging another women. Even doing it once is dsirespectful of his girlfriend. I would be mortified if my boyfriend liked another girl; hanging out with her, worse... Holding onto her? Deal breaker. I would dump his arse. .. Although, this would not happen in all likelyhood with my boyfriend, because we are in love and very close... I think there is a strong chance your guy crush does not really like or love his girlfriend that much, if he can do what he is doing with YOU. I would tell him, if it were ME: - look, if you were that into your girlfriend, u would not be this way with me, or like other girls. I think u need to sort out your situation with your g/f, before we are to ever hang out again.
Yare Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 I am in very similar situation..I have been dating a guy (extremely hot) for 3 months who is also in an open relationship..I fell for him, he is incredible..But I had to stop it because no matter what, I'm the one who is going to lose in that situation...Unlike you I do not know his GF..I do know that they live together and she gets to go out with other men as well..they have been together for a loong time. I cut him lose because he has cancelled dates with me, and I'm wondering if it is because of her or maybe who knows someone else that he is dating on the side..I don't want to be wondering about this, and I have no right to question him since we are only dating and I am not his main girl...he text me again after he cancelled our date and I ignored it, he has not contact me anymore, and hopefully will never..I am totally infatuated with him, but it hurts to think about the whole situation..I mean he is with someone who comes first..At first I was totally cool with dating him, but then because of the way we get along, the passion and the intimacy I fell for him..oh and did I mention he is super HOT!! But is not healthy for me..and if I continue dating him my feelings will grow even stronger and THEN WHAT? He is not going to leave her for me...In your situation, you say you don't want her to leave her...but she does not want you with him...so why can't you respect that? She is his GIRLFRIEND ...not you..She has control over him NOT YOU...move on babe I know is hard ..I think about this guy everyday..sucks but time will take care of that
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 haha, I am only sexually attracted to caucasions; and only fair, blue eyed ones too! Strange, the differeing preferences us women have:) Even before I liked this Indian man, I've always preferred dark hair on a guy. I've rarely, almost never, liked a blond-haired, blue eyed guy. I've liked white men, but I've liked more ethnic ones than white ones.
Author Jane2011 Posted April 17, 2012 Author Posted April 17, 2012 I do not really like the fact a man HAs a girlfriend, a girl who has hopes for him... and he is holding and hugging another women. Even doing it once is dsirespectful of his girlfriend. I would be mortified if my boyfriend liked another girl; hanging out with her, worse... Holding onto her? Deal breaker. I would dump his arse. .. Although, this would not happen in all likelyhood with my boyfriend, because we are in love and very close... I think there is a strong chance your guy crush does not really like or love his girlfriend that much, if he can do what he is doing with YOU. Well, I understand where you're coming from, Leigh. But keep in mind that this is a girl who generally advocates open relationships. She herself is going to date other women other than her boyfriend. (She's bisexual) She has also, in the past, desired to date men other than her boyfriend. And be emotional with them. Like I said, I know where you're coming from. But I doubt even she herself thinks it's that big a deal that he hugged me and held me. She's a believer in having caring emotions for multiple people (or at least one person other than her boyfriend). Of course, she's jealous at the same time; therefore, she's conflicted.
kaylan Posted April 17, 2012 Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) Women and men, when you like (or even feel in love with) a guy/girl who is taken (not married but just in an LTR), what is your stance as far as how much contact you can in good conscience have with that person? Do you think it is "ho" behavior to still talk to the guy as a friend every three weeks or so? Or should one back off completely? And guys, what's your stance toward women who are taken but who you really really really like? Sometimes people want to stay on the other person's radar, but what's your comfort level with it? Is it "all's fair in love and war" with you or do you think anything less than backing off completely is unconscionable? Does "homewrecker" only apply if marriage and children is the case? Or does it also apply just to established couples? Just want to get your thoughts. And it is personal, yes. I like a guy who is taken. I don't want to be a ho or a homewrecker. But honestly, I want to stay on his radar in a light, friendly way in case anything changes. Think it's wrong to do so? I respect other peoples relationships. I dont want someone trying to wreck my relationship, so why would I do it to someone else? I dont want to help break someones heart. And I would have a hard time dating someone who sees nothing wrong with getting in between two people who are in a relationship. I tell myself that if Im able to have such good morals, that there must be other girls out there like me. If I couldnt depend on myself to be kind to others, Id have no faith in positive humanity, and Id be very jaded about the world. You cant expect the world to be a nice place if you arent a nice person yourself. Whenever I find out an interest of mine has a significant other, I back off. Ill stay friends, but I wont do anything thats disrespectful to her relationship.Yeah, there are, of course. But I'm in love with a taken one. It's horrible. Love? riiiight. Ive heard this before. How can you be in love with someone you havent dated romantically? What can you love? You dont truly know them in a romantic sense...so I personally think you are in lust...not love. Just my opinion though. Edited April 17, 2012 by kaylan 2
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